My Never
by RainingMonday
Summary: Addison thought she was leaving Seattle alone a few days after prom and the panties. She never returned, but now, four years later, she is missing. Derek must care for the child he never knew about and help find the woman he has always loved. AU Addek.
1. Chapter 1

**My Never  
Chapter 1**

**AN: Okay, super quick author's note. I know I always ramble in these things. This is another idea that wouldn't leave my head turned fanfiction. I was in a good mood because today was a snow day (yay!) so I decided to upload this. I know there have been some similar fics done before, but this is completely different. Just trust me. It is AU from the end of season 2. I'm not really sure what season it is when Devony comes. Season four or five, I guess. I'm not going to follow the show closely, or anything, so it doesn't matter. Oh, and Burke didn't leave. He and Cristina are married. I can't write Owen at all, it just doesn't work, so once again, I just keep Burke instead. Okay, that's it. Enjoy :D**

**Oh, and for those of you who read Beautiful Disaster, don't worry; I haven't given up on it or anything. I've got many chapters of it written, so I needed something to do in the meantime. I promise an update soon.**

**My Never is a song by Blue October that will be released in 2009. There is a clip of the song on YouTube. I do not own it, and neither do I own Grey's Anatomy.**

* * *

Mark ~ Seattle Grace ~ present

The minute Mark saw her, he knew. It was unreasonable that he should know so quickly, but when he spotted those blue eyes, there was no escaping the conclusion he made. It made complete sense at the same time as being completely unfathomable to him.

It had been a normal morning. He'd woken up and hunted for his clothes in an unfamiliar room. He crept out of the room of the woman whose hair color he could no longer remember, not to mention her face. Then he'd driven out to Derek's trailer and pretended to like the trout Derek cooked for breakfast. When he arrived at Seattle Grace he had a burn case waiting. He'd grafted and cut and sewed and graciously accepted the parent's heartfelt thanks. He tried to escape the nagging claims of his brain that each day was exactly the same.

Today, though, had already changed the course of his life. The days would never return to their exhausting monotony again because of the whirlwind of events Mark knew he would inevitably be pulled into. Seeing her made him sure of that. He thought in retrospect that maybe he should have been grateful for the normalcy, but it was officially too late.

Just a few minutes ago, he had been aglow with the triumph of a successful surgery. Now, however, he was feeling sort of shell shocked, or as if he had been punched in the stomach.

His wicked McSteamy smile disappeared, replaced with an open mouthed look usually found on goldfish. The nurses were watching, extremely amused, as the sex god McSteamy suddenly looked completely nonplussed.

Seeing her, walking down the hall as if she owned the place, an entire congregation behind her, brought back memories of four years ago, the time that life's incessant hope seemed to have gotten snuffed out.

* * *

Addison ~ Derek's Trailer ~ 4 years ago

Sometimes it's only a small one thing that turns your whole world upside down. For Addison Montgomery Shepherd, it was a pair of panties. A pair of slutty, lacy black panties that did not belong to her.

It wasn't really the panties, it was the message they conveyed: Derek doesn't love you. She had suspected something was going on with him and Meredith at prom. But things were so weird with the LVAD wire being cut and Denny dying and Izzie quitting that she'd dismissed it.

But the stupid black panties were proof of something she'd never wanted to face. She suddenly couldn't get the image of her husband fucking Meredith Grey out of her head. It made her physically sick but for some reason she couldn't stop it from playing over and over again. She sprinted the few feet to the trailer's bathroom and threw up the contents of her stomach in the toilet.

She coughed and gagged and retched and eventually just started crying. And the tears didn't stop as she packed up her shoe collection and a few more essential things and put them in Derek's car. She dug up the divorce papers, signed them furiously and decisively, and put them in her bag to give to Derek.

It had been a few days since prom. She had avoided Derek like the plague while she tried to figure out what to do. This morning she'd realized she couldn't stay here. Her stuff at her hotel was already packed. Her flight was booked. She had talked to Richard, who hadn't been happy, but had understood, and her contract with the hospital was broken.

She left Derek's keys in his locker and opened hers one last time. She opened her black bag and dumped it all in. Then she headed up to the Chief's office.

In a few minutes she would be free of Seattle forever. There was just one thing she had left to do. Might as well deliver the divorce papers in person.

She set off to find Derek, but found someone else instead. "Mark?" she called.

"Addison? Hey," he said, studying her. She would be forever grateful to him for coming out. She had called him because she'd needed a friend, and he'd been there. She knew Derek thought she'd slept with him, but it wasn't true. She didn't want to leave, because Mark had been thinking of staying to fix things with Derek, but she knew she couldn't. "What are you doing?" he asked, seeing her bag and her coat still on.

"I'm giving him the divorce papers and then I'm going back to New York."

Mark hugged her and let her cry into his shoulder. "Addison, I'm so sorry. Do you want me to – I mean, I don't want you to be alone in New York."

"No, Mark, you should stay here. Patch things up with him. He'll forgive you eventually, even if he couldn't forgive me. I have friends in New York, I'll be fine."

"Okay," he said, but she saw in his eyes that he was worried about her. "If you ever need me . . . I'll be there."

"Thanks, Mark." She kissed his cheek softly and then was gone.

It was in the middle of a mostly deserted hallway on the surgical floor that she saw Derek. He was alone, to her relief. She walked up to him, set papers in front of him, and turned to leave.

"Have your lawyer call mine once you get those signed. Don't drag it out like last time, Derek. This is over." She tried to spin around and walk away, but he grabbed her arm.

"Addison, what is this?"

"Derek, I don't have time for your bullshit. They're divorce papers. You obviously don't want to be married to me anymore and you obviously don't love me anymore. So I'm leaving."

His face crumpled when he realized she'd found out about Meredith. "How did you know?"

"Does it even matter anymore? You get what you want. And in a perverse way, I get what I want. You want Meredith, so sign the damn papers and go be with her. I want you to be happy, and you will be with her. I still love you, and I think I always will. Maybe . . maybe we just weren't meant to be together."

Her face softened for an instant. She reached out her hand, slowly, and cupped his face. Then she leaned in and pressed her lips to his one last time. She kissed him gently, slowly, lingeringly, savoring the taste and the smell of him. Soon he would belong to someone else. The thought made the tears in her eyes spill over, and when she finally pulled away from him, they were transferred to his cheeks.

Addison looked deep into his pale blue eyes. Her hand caressed the curls just touching the back of his neck. She leaned in again, just once more, and touched her lips to his. Then she was gone, gone forever.

Derek didn't know she was taking more with her than just her stuff. Addison didn't know she was leaving something behind with him – doubt.

* * *

Derek ~ Seattle Grace ~ 4 years ago

After that, Derek couldn't help wondering if he had made the right choice. Sure, he had told Meredith he had chosen wrong. But what if his initial instinct had been right? He had chosen what he thought his heart was telling him. But then his brain had gotten in the way, imagining his life with Meredith.

Derek tried to ignore his nagging instincts. They were screaming at him to run after Addison and fix what he had broken. The feeling that he was making the wrong decision and that his life was running away from him right at that moment overwhelmed him. He shook himself, determined to forget about it. He had Seattle, and he had Meredith.

But he would soon find out that the life he had pictured with her was nothing more than a fantasy.

* * *

~ Addison ~

Addison walked slowly out of Seattle Grace, her tears falling freely. She was determined never to come back, never to set foot in the accursed place again. She was done with Derek. He would always be the love of her life, but she wasn't the love of his.

"And you know what he told me? He said he chose wrong. He said the first time around, he chose wrong. He wishes he would have chosen me instead of Addison. And he came over just to say that he loves me. He loves me."

Meredith Grey's words, uttered unthinkingly from around the corner, tore Addison's heart to shreds. She walked into the parking lot, utterly broken. The bright Seattle sky seemed to mock her as she drove to the airport. On the plane, her face was illuminated by sunlight, as if she wasn't already glowing. Already glowing.

She thought the only thing she was bringing from Seattle was the vestiges of her love for Derek and whatever pieces of her heart she had managed to scrounge up. She was wrong.

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

**My Never  
Chapter 2**

**AN: Thank you to everyone who reviewed! Love you all! Okay, so obviously this story is told partially in flashbacks. The flashbacks start at the beginning of the story (when Addison first left) and work their way to the present, for the most part, although it does skip around a little. Just pay attention to the dates and years and you should be fine. Also, there are little things that may be a bit confusing until upcoming flashbacks explain them. Everything will be revealed, eventually, don't worry.**

**Disclaimer: Grey's does not belong to me :(**

Mark ~ Seattle Grace ~ present

As she walked down the hall towards him, Mark was fully able to appreciate how much she looked like Addison. Truth be told, he looked like all three of them, but most like Addison. Almost an exactly copy, except for the bouncing midnight black ringlets. There was never any doubt whose child she was, although she couldn't have been older than three. He still hadn't gotten over the initial shock when she looked up and saw him. And Mark looked into the same pale blue eyes he'd been looking into for over thirty years.

The exact shade of her eyes made it inescapably apparent. That was Derek's child, coming toward him. Derek and Addison's child. Mark found himself involuntarily looking for Addison, but there was no hint of brightest red that alerted him to her presence.

The child, Addison's child, walked straight up to him. She bared all her perfect white teeth in a charming smile. "Do you know where my mommy is?"

"Devony!" the woman at the head of the parade called. She ran up quickly and grabbed Devony's hand.

"Where's mommy?" the child prompted.

"I'm sorry," Mark said. "I don't know where Addis-mommy is."

"You're acquainted with Addison Montgomery?" the woman said sharply, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, I'm-"

"But you're not aware that she was reported missing two weeks ago." It was not a question, but it didn't matter, because Mark had frozen.

"Addie isn't missing," he said unthinkingly.

"I'll take that as a no. Dr. Montgomery left her child, Devony, in the care of Savannah-"

"Savvy and Weiss, of course. Sorry," Mark said quickly when she glared at him.

"Yes, Savannah and Weiss. She had a medical conference in LA. However, she never reached the conference, and she never returned for Devony. Savannah eventually filed a missing persons report. That's all we know, they have no new leads. Addison, however, left custody of her child to the father. I'm Janice Swanson from social services."

"Derek doesn't know about Devony. I didn't know about her until just now."

"You know Derek Shepherd too?"

"Yes, I-"

"Do you know where we might find him? If he doesn't know about the child, we need to resolve the custody situation, and also notify him that his ex-wife is officially a missing person."

"He's in surgery right now," Mark said, "but he should be coming out soon. I'll take you to the OR. You can wait for him outside."

Just then, as Janice started to walk, Devony yanked her hand away and ran off through the hospital.

"She's quite a handful."

"I can see that."

* * *

~ Derek ~

The soft light suffusing the OR matched the calm inside of Derek. He belonged here, and he was in control. It was his happy place when things were going wrong. And right then, things were going wrong.

Things were going wrong, specifically, with Meredith. They were simply not at the same place in life. Previously, he believed that they envisioned their life together exactly the same. Dating for a while, moving in together, getting engaged, then married, and eventually having some kids. He found out quickly that Meredith was not ready for all that. He also realized that maybe she didn't even want all of it.

The truth was, he had imagined his life with her would be exactly like the first several years of his marriage. Only this time, he was determined not to let work come between them. Or other sad, hidden memories either.

Derek fumbled with the ties of his scrub cap, trying not to remember how Addison had always been there to help him with it. He glanced outside and froze in shock. There was a crowd outside, waiting for someone. And since he was the only one inside, he could only assume they were waiting for him.

"Can I help you?" Derek asked, stepping out of the scrub room. He noticed Mark standing next to the sharp faced lady who addressed him. He looked like he'd seen a ghost. And in a way he had.

"Are you Derek Shepherd?" the woman asked aggressively.

"Yes," Derek answered, confused.

"I'm Janice Swanson, from social services. We're here about the custody of your child, Devony."

* * *

~ Izzie ~

Izzie yawned and rubbed her eyes vigorously. She had been on call all night, and in addition to that one of her patients had coded six times. She had gotten no sleep in-between trying to keep him alive against fate itself and an action packed night in the pit.

She stumbled into the supply closet only to find someone already there. The diminutive black head was bobbing up and down, and a tiny arm was reaching for the breathing tubes.

"Hey, there, sweetie. What are you doing with that?"

The girl whirled around, one of the tubes clutched in her fist. She gave Izzie an innocent smile, as if she knew she was in trouble and it could get her out.

"Trying to be like mommy. She saves people with these." Izzie estimated her age to be about three. She was a lot smaller than most three year olds, but she spoke like she was four or five.

"Oh, so your mommy is a doctor? I am too. Maybe I can help you find her – what's your name?" Izzie asked. She couldn't shake the feeling that she had seen the child somewhere before.

"Devony Sadiyah Montgomery Shepherd," the girl announced proudly and Izzie nearly gasped. Her resemblance to her old mentor was unmistakable know that she knew. This was Addison's child. Hearing the name Shepherd, Izzie took in the child's perfect black ringlets for the first time.

Devony noticed Izzie staring at her and met her eyes for the first time. They were the exact sky blue of a man she worked with everyday. A man who was with one of her best friends. A man, Izzie was sure, that had no idea he had a child.

Devony climbed carefully down from the stool. Izzie noted that she wore designer clothes, further proof (as if she needed any more) that this was Addison's daughter. She was just thinking about what she should do when the doorknob turned and Devony was gone.

* * *

Addison ~ Mt. Sinai Hospital, New York ~ 3 years, 11 months ago

"Hi, Mari, I'm Dr. Montgomery," Addison said to the girl waiting on a bed in the ER. Her friend, Kat, stood beside her, glancing around them anxiously. "What seems to be the problem?"

"I – I," the girl stuttered, staring at her knees. "I think I'm pregnant," she whispered.

"Okay," said Addison reassuringly. "I'm going to ask you some questions and then we can do a pregnancy test if you still think you're pregnant. Alright?" Mari nodded.

"When was the first day of your last menstrual cycle?" Addison asked.

"Um, wow," the girl said. "I'm not really sure . . ."

"I know this is confusing. Just try to remember the first day of your last period. For instance, mine . . ." Addison froze. Her lips moved soundlessly. That couldn't be right, could it? Panicked, she tried desperately to remember.

_Her _last period had been back in Seattle, over two months ago.

"Dr. Montgomery?" Mari pressed. "Are you okay?"

"I – I – I" Addison struggled. "I think I need to throw up," she said, and sprinted out of the ER. The two girls stared after her. Addison barely made it to the toilet in time.

"Looks like you're not the only one 'in trouble.'" Kat said to Mari, raising her eyebrows.

* * *

* * *


	3. Chapter 3

**My Never  
Chapter 3**

**So . . . because it's Christmas . . . or Hanukkah, or whatever holiday you celebrate, I updated both my stories. Yay. So be happy. I don't know when I'll be able to upload next. My crazy family is coming for Christmas and my house is going to be soooo full. But within a few days I'll probably be on here to escape from them, now that I think about it. Yeah . . . anyway Happy Holidays.**

**Some random trivia: The name Devony actually means dark haired. I had no idea when I picked it, but I think that's pretty cool, since Devony has really dark hair in this story.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the show. (Someday I am just going to stop writing these pointless disclaimers . . .)**

* * *

Mark ~ Seattle Grace ~ present

Mark couldn't help thinking at Derek looked like a meteor had bounced off his head. "Custody – what?" was all he managed.

"I'm sorry to have to inform you of this in this manner, Dr. Shepherd, but Addison Montgomery is missing, and she left custody of her child, of whom you are the father, to you."

"M-my wife is missing?" Derek whispered.

"Ex-wife, I believe, Dr. Shepherd." Derek didn't answer. "I'm sorry, Dr. Shepherd. Truly, I am. I realize that you didn't know of Devony's existence until today. However, we need a decision regarding custody."

* * *

~ Meredith ~

"I'm being supportive, Cristina. I'm coming to watch Burke's surgery with you. I'm being your person."

"Well, can you _stop _being all supportive. I'm fine, and Burke is fine. We just had a fight. Married couples have fights. Get over it."

Meredith sighed and rolled her eyes as they walked into the gallery. To her surprise, there was a child standing on one of the chairs, watching the surgery with unwavering intensity.

"Hey, I don't think you're supposed to be in here," Cristina said sharply.

"Hey, be nice," Meredith protested, but she stopped short when the little girl turned around. She looked innocently at Meredith, and it was the same look that Derek sometimes gave her when he didn't want to admit he was doing something wrong.

No. It couldn't be. Meredith stared at the child, who was watching the surgery like it was a cartoon. It just couldn't be Derek's child. But there was nowhere else she'd ever seen that exact shade of blue.

She wanted to deny it, or ignore it, but it was impossible to doubt.

"Hey, guys, have you seen . . . oh, there she is," Izzie said, her voice relieved. "I – Meredith," she stuttered, registering that it was her there for the first time.

"Do you know? Is she . . . ?" Meredith asked.

"Is she who?" Cristina demanded.

"This is Devony Montgomery Shepherd," Izzie told Cristina quietly.

"_What_!?!" Cristina asked.

"Come on, Devony, let's go find your mom," Izzie said, taking her hand. Devony jumped down willingly enough.

Meredith sat down in a chair in the gallery and put her head in her hands. Her shoulder shook with silent sobs. In just one minute, by one little person, her life with Derek had been torn asunder.

* * *

~ Derek ~

Derek was looking at the woman in front of him, but her words were barely registering with him. In an instant, his entire world was changed. Addison wasn't in New York, happy and safe; she was missing and possibly dead. And they had a kid. Together. In his shock it felt as if the world around him was rushing forward while he waded around in his stunned surprise as if it was mud.

Janice explained Addison's disappearance. It was just too much for Derek to take in all at once. It was unfathomable to him that Addison had a child, that the child was his, and that she had gone back to New York alone and pregnant. It was unimaginable to him that while he had been having sex with Meredith in an exam room, a few feet away a child had been growing inside his wife. It was unreal that he had a daughter running around the hospital right at that very moment. Derek sat down in an empty chair with a heavy _thump._

And now Addison was missing? There had to be a mistake. Addison was in New York living a wonderful life. She had to be. It was the only thing that got him out of bed some mornings. Especially the mornings when he expected to wake up to her red hair instead of Meredith's brown. It kept him sane when he lay awake next to Meredith, going over their latest problem in his head. Thoughts of her happiness, wherever she was, got him through the hard days when he couldn't get her out of his head.

Just then, Izzie Stevens came up, leading a dark haired child. Derek smiled when she saw how much she looked like Addison. Little Devony surveyed them all, and Derek found it unbearably cute. He began imagining Addison pregnant with her, and giving birth, and holding Devony as a baby, and he wished he'd been there.

He had missed so much, but he could have been there, if he hadn't messed up so badly. But . . . maybe this was his chance to redeem himself. He could make up for how he treated Addison by caring for her daughter. She was obviously very precious to Addison, and he could do this as a last favor to her. He realized, in that moment, that he would sacrifice whatever he needed to in order to take care of her, whether it was his friends or his job or his girlfriend.

"Of course I'll take care of Devony, for however long I need to. What – what has she been told about Addison?" he asked, glancing over at her. Devony had someone's cell phone and was pressing the buttons. Derek was unsure who the metallic red Razor belonged to, but at least she was occupied for the moment.

Janice opened the door to an empty exam room and led Derek and Mark inside. Several of the other people with her followed them. Devony walked in too, still concentrated on the phone. "Savannah told her that her mother had to go away for a little while," Janice told them softly.

"Hello? Hello?" came a voice through a speaker. Derek, Mark, and Janice turned to look at Devony, who was holding the cell phone.

"That's my phone!" Janice shrieked.

"Hello mister," Devony said into the phone. She was holding it upside down but looking very pleased with herself. Janice ran over and grabbed the phone, snapping it shut.

"Mommy's phone is better. It has fun games. Like monkey ball. It's an ipone."

"You mean iPhone?" Derek asked with a smile. He liked the little girl already, but taking care of her was going to be a chore. "Just out of curiosity, if I didn't take her, who would?"

"We would contact Archer Montgomery or Addison's parents."

"I think it's definitely best that I'm taking care of her, then."

"We'll need to meet with you and have you sign some papers, and discuss what is being done to find Addison. But then she can live with you. Do you have an apartment or a house here?"

"I um, well, I actually have a trailer. On some really nice property in the forest. I'm planning on building a house out there. Addison and I stayed in it when she lived here," he said defensively when Janice looked slightly apprehensive at the word 'trailer.'

Janice nodded. "Devony, come here. There's someone I want you to meet." Devony considered them for a moment, her head tilted to the side, before walking slowly over to stand by Janice. "This is your dad," she said, gesturing at Derek.

"Daddy?" Devony asked, looking at Derek.

"Yes, Devony, I'm your daddy." Derek wasn't sure what else he was supposed to say.

When Devony looked at him, it was like looking into a mirror. Her eyes were exactly the same shade as his. She was a painful collage of his self-hatred and his painful memories of Addison. In some ways he was glad that Devony looked like her, but in other ways it just served to make him hurt more.

"Is this Sewattle?" Devony asked suddenly.

Derek exchanged glances with the social worker. It was Mark who answered. "Yes, this is Seattle. How did you know?"

Devony shrugged. Derek noticed her clothes were all designer, and bit back a smile. "My mommy said when I turned four; we could meet my daddy in Sewattle."

So Addison had been planning on telling him about their child, maybe even letting him be a part of her life. She had been waiting until Devony turned four, maybe so she could understand better.

"She kept saying that we had to wait until I was four. She said that lots of times. But I wanted to see my daddy before that because all the kids at my preschool see their daddies allllll the time. Where is my mommy? I want her," Devony whined. Derek didn't know how to explain to her that she might never see her mother again.

"Well, Devony, you get to meet me a little early. And now you're going to live with daddy."

"But I want mommy," Devony said, beginning to sniffle. Derek was at a loss, but to his shock, he was saved by Mark.

He knelt down to Devony's level and took her hands. "Devony, your mommy is going to be away for a while. We don't know how long. You get to stay with your daddy, though. It will be fun. He'll play with you and do whatever you want."

Devony smiled and wiped her tears. "Like play princesses?" she asked, and Mark nodded. "What 'bout you? Will you play princesses with me too?" she asked Mark.

"Of course. I'm your Uncle Mark," Mark said, again surprising Derek.

"Okay!" Devony said, looking quite excited. "I will be Cinderella. Unca Mark, you can be Sleeping Beauty. And daddy," Derek jumped when she addressed him as her dad, "you can be the Little Mermaid."

Mark chuckled. "Don't you want us to be the princes?" Derek asked desperately.

"No! Then there would only be _one _princess," Devony explained. Derek and Mark exchanged nervous glances. Yes, their worlds were changed forever.

* * *

Addison ~ Mt. Sinai Hospital ~ 3 years, 11 months ago

Addison walked down the hall, clutching the results of her labs tightly. She wasn't sure what to hope for. She knew she shouldn't want to be pregnant when she was alone and the father was probably screwing his dirty-but-actually-not-so-dirty-anymore mistress. But part of her longed for a child, a part of her always had.

She also didn't think she would survive another abortion. She had felt at the time that aborting Mark's child had been necessary, but now she wasn't sure. Going back to Derek hadn't seemed to have made a difference anyway, and that child would have been in her arms right at that moment if she'd had it. The image was tantalizing. She wanted a baby.

* * *


	4. Chapter 4

**My Never  
Chapter 4**

**Well, I don't have much to say besides here's the next chapter. I'm currently hiding from my family who is visiting. They are crazy. Plus my house is so full that our living room is covered in cots and sleeping bags. Not to mention all the other rooms or the guest room. So, I'm uploading. I don't own GA. But enjoy.**

* * *

Addison ~ Mt. Sinai Hospital ~ 3 years, 5 months ago

Addison sat alone in the brownstone, holding a picture of Derek and her at their wedding. She set the picture on her eight month pregnant belly. "Here's your father, baby. He isn't here right now. I wish he was, but he isn't. He would probably love you, though. I love you. And I love him. You were conceived out of love, even if it wasn't reciprocated."

Addison thought she remembered the day her baby was conceived. It had been about a month before prom. Derek had come back from work tired and angry. He had slipped into bed next to her and just started kissing her. She was surprised but glad that her husband was finally showing her some affection.

She was even more surprised when he yanked her pajama top off, and followed it quickly with her pajama bottoms and panties. Then he undressed himself and slipped inside her with no further foreplay.

It had been wild and rough and full of pent up emotion. Addison's head had rested on Derek's shoulder, and she pressed little butterfly-light kisses to his neck and back. He hadn't noticed, he had just kept up his unrelenting pace. He was having sex. But she was making love, and she remembered thinking that if only she loved him enough, some of her love would be transported to him and he would love her back.

It hadn't worked that way, though. She had tried to talk to him and cuddle him afterwards, but he fell right asleep. She remembered how empty she had felt, and how desperate, and how alone, even though there had been a person lying right beside her.

It was like she was invisible, and he could see right through her. Right on through her to Meredith Grey.

He was probably with Meredith right at that moment. Was she laughing with him? Kissing him? Telling him all of her dramatic problems, or about her latest surgery? Was she telling him she loved him? Was he telling her he loved her back?

Addison knew that she wasn't over him. She hadn't been on a date since she got here, even before her pregnancy was evident. And even with the baby, she had been asked out twice last week. Once at Starbucks, and the other time by a cute male nurse. But it didn't feel right, especially carrying Derek's baby. She knew that every time she kissed anyone, she would think of him.

She had debated about calling Mark, but knowing him, and being in this depressed state, he would probably get the truth about the pregnancy out of her, and then he would be honor bound to tell Derek. And Derek was happy without his pregnant ex-wife. So she didn't pick up the phone.

Slowly Addison got up and walked to the nursery. It was painted light lavender. She was pretty sure that the baby was a girl. She would be happy with either a girl or a boy, but she kind of hoped it was a girl, so she wouldn't have to repaint the nursery. She insisted to Nancy though, her OB, that she wanted it to be a surprise.

It had been harder than she expected, doing the pregnancy thing alone. She had a few friends at Mt. Sinai, but nobody super close. She bought her own ginger ale, threw up all by herself, and went to her prenatal appointments alone. She was a strong person and she knew she could do it, but even with Savvy and Nancy's help it was hard.

The rest of the Shepherd family all thought she should tell Derek, but Addison was hesitant. She had seen the way he looked at Meredith. Despite all he had done to her, she loved him enough that she only wanted his happiness. She knew it didn't make sense, but when you love someone that much, it often doesn't.

* * *

Derek ~ Seattle Grace ~ present

"Okay, Derek, I put her stuff in the mail. There's a lot of it. I shipped it to the trailer, so try to be there to sign off on it, okay?"

"Alright, Sav," Derek said into the phone while trying to keep an eye on Devony. He was taking his daughter to his home for the first time ever. "Is she always . . . this much of a handful?"

"Yup," said Savvy, laughing. "The only one who had any measure of control over Devony was Addison. With anyone else, she's a wild child."

"I don't know how to do this, Savvy," Derek said quietly.

Savvy sighed. "I know, Derek. It'll be hard, there's no doubt about that. But I know you, and I believe you can do this. There's nobody better for Devony right now."

"I wish I had been there, for everything."

"You can't go back and change what's already happened, but you can go forward and be there now."

"Yeah . . ."

"Call me if you need anything. Devony hates crust, so you have to cut it off and cut her sandwiches diagonally. Let her watch a Disney movie before bed if you need to calm her down. Make sure her outfits match, or she'll throw a fit. Her favorite type of ice cream is birthday cake, her favorite color is purple, and her favorite food is macaroni."

"Thanks, Sav." Derek blinked rapidly, suddenly feeling like he was going to cry. "Addison . . . I can't believe – she can't be . . . how did this happen, Savvy? It's not fair."

"I know, Derek, believe me. You just have to believe she's going to be okay. It's the only thing that keeps me going."

"I have to go," Derek said, wiping a tear off his cheek quickly. "Bye Sav."

"Bye, Derek. Call me again tomorrow, or if you have any problems tonight."

"Daddy! I want . . . to go . . .watch . . . the doctors!" Devony said, trying to pull away from him as he hung up the phone.

"Devony, we have to go home now. I'll show you my house – it's in the woods, like Sleeping Beauty," Derek told her, his voice pleading.

"No! I want to find mommy! Where's mommy?" Devony screamed, starting to cry. Derek took her in his arms. She struggled for a minute, and then relaxed. "I want mommy," she sobbed.

Derek stroked her hair gently. "I know," he whispered. "I know, I know, I know." A few minutes later she finally calmed down, and Derek lifted her, tucking her against his hip. He was surprised at how natural it was to him, being Devony's dad, as if it was something he was always meant to do.

"Hey, man, how's it going with the kid there?" Mark asked, walking over to them.

"Okay," Derek said.

Mark hesitated. "She reminds me so much of Addison, but she looks like Evelyn too, you know. She looks like all three of you," Mark whispered.

"I know, Mark, but do you really think that makes this any easier?"

* * *

Addison ~ Mt. Sinai Hospital ~ 3 years, 4 months ago

"I can't – I can't do this," Addison sobbed. "I can't.

"Yes, you can, Addie," Savvy encouraged, squeezing her hand.

"On three, Addison, I need you to push," Nancy said.

"I can't do it alone!" Addison yelled. "I can't, I can't."

"Come on, Addie. Push for your baby. You can do this."

Two hours later, Addison held a teeny baby girl in her arms. She lifted the baby's head to press a kiss to her damp black curls. "Devony," she said. "Devony Sadiyah Montgomery Shepherd."

Derek and Devony. The two people she loved the most in the world.

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**Review!  
:D**


	5. Chapter 5

**My Never  
Chapter 5**

**All I have to say is: Happy New Year! Well technically New Year's Eve. But you get the picture.**

**I know that everyone wants Addison to be found, etc, and that will happen, don't worry. But not quite yet. Not for a few chapters, that's all I'm saying. Also, if it seems MerDer-y, don't worry, that's just for now. This is _so _an Addek story, just wait.**

**I think I've already written enough disclaimers.**

* * *

Later that night Derek took Meredith out to talk about Devony. Derek was forced to bring the central topic of conversation along with him, because he wasn't sure what else to do with her. He managed to get her dressed in a fairly nice silk lined grey wool dress, white tights, and Mary Jane's without too much trouble.

Meredith was already sitting down when they arrived at the restaurant. "Hey," said Derek, kissing her cheek softly. She just looked at him. She refused to even speak until they ordered and their food came.

"Derek," she began. "I know that you didn't know about Devony, and what happened to Addison _is _terrible, but I just don't think our relationship can survive a kid right now."

"So . . . what exactly are you saying? You want to break up?"

"No, no! I don't want to break up. But how are you going to take care of her and be a surgeon, Derek? Isn't there someone else who can take her?" Meredith asked.

"You want me to give my daughter, the only thing I have left from Addison, to _someone else_?"

"See, this is always where we start having problems, Derek! It's always about Addison! Sometimes, I'm not even sure after _four years _that you're over her!"

"I _care _about her, Meredith! I can care about her without being in love with her!" Derek said loudly, frustrated.

"That's the thing, though, Derek, I think you are in love with her, still."

"I'm in love with _you_! You, Meredith. But even if I was willing to give up my daughter, which I'm not, she has nowhere to go! Archer Montgomery has no idea how to care for a kid. I will not subject another child to Addison's parents and the upbringing she received. My sisters have enough on their plates with their own families to worry about. Savvy and Weiss are considering adopting a child of their own. Sam and Naomi already have a daughter, and their practice is in financial trouble. There is no one else."

"Well, Derek, I don't know how we're going to survive a kid," Meredith said angrily.

"Can't we try, Meredith? At least try? I'll take care of Devony, you won't have to do anything. Just don't give up," Derek pleaded. Meredith was about to answer when Derek looked over to find that Devony's cheeks were ballooned out like a chipmunk's.

"Devony? What's that in your mouth?" he asked, momentarily forgetting Meredith.

"Nothing," she said, giving him a huge smile.

"Where are all the sugar cubes?" Meredith asked suddenly. She was fixing her coffee and the little dish full of sugar was empty. Slowly they both turned to look at Devony. Derek put his head in his hands.

He reached over, grabbed a plate, and set it in front of her. "Devony, don't swallow all that, you'll be sick. Spit it out onto the plate, okay?" Devony slowly opened her mouth and spit sugar and saliva all over the clean white plate. Derek sighed and turned back to Meredith.

"Meredith, every time I bring up something big, you get skittish. You're a third year resident now. You don't want to build a house. You don't want to get engaged, or married. You don't want kids. What do you want?"

"I want a healthy relationship. I don't need all the rest," she said.

"Have you ever considered that I might?"

"That doesn't mean that we should do it that way. Not all relationships can be like yours and Addison's was."

"But, Mer, it's all about you and what you want. We live in your house with your friends and we do things how you want," Derek told her. He was getting frustrated. They were stuck, him and Meredith, and that forced him to consider that maybe they were never meant to move forward.

Suddenly he was distracted, once again, by Devony. "No, Devony, please don't do that. Don't mix th – oh no. Okay, it's okay. I've got a napkin." Derek tried to mop the mess she'd made of her food off the tablecloth.

"The food here is yucky," Devony whispered to him. Derek had to admit she had a point. This was Meredith's favorite restaurant; he didn't really care for it. And they didn't have a kids menu, so poor Devony was forced to eat the blandest pasta dish Derek could find, which was not very bland at all and not food a normal three year old would enjoy. She had mashed it up and poured her water into it and made a kind of soup instead of eating it.

"I can't do this," Meredith said suddenly. Derek looked up, confused. "We can't even carry on a conversation. I can't do this right now. I'll see you later, Derek," she said, and walked out.

Devony obviously didn't completely understand what was going on, but she understood enough. "Sorry, daddy," she said in a small voice.

It broke Derek's heart. "No, sweetie, there's nothing to be sorry about. Meredith is mad at me. Now, why don't we order some dessert instead?"

"Okay!" Devony agreed excitedly.

A few minutes later they both surveyed dessert menus. The waiter asked for their orders, and Derek got apple pie. He was about to lean over and help Devony when she said, "I want cho-co-late ch-ip cake", sounding out the words slowly. Derek's mouth fell open in shock. She knew how to read. She knew how to read, and she was three.

After the waiter left, Derek appraised his daughter in surprise. "You already know how to read?" he asked her.

She nodded, if it was no big deal. "After I learned the abc's, mommy taught me the sounds and how to sound out words."

"Wow," Derek said. Both he and Addison were smart, they were surgeons, but a child reading at three? That was rare.

They finished dinner and Derek took Devony back to his trailer. She only had a few clothes with her and no pajamas. He gave her one of his tee-shirts and socks to wear, and helped her put them on. When it was time for bed she just stood there looking at him in the too big clothes, her blue eyes wide. The expression on her face was so like Addison's it felt like someone was stabbing his heart.

Already, at age three, she was beautiful. Not just cute, like most kids were, her face was almost angelic. Her doll-like features were tiny and perfect, and she looked like Addison as a child. Smiling, still astonished that he and Addison had created such an amazing little person, he scooped her up and put her in the bed beside him. Within a few minutes she was curled up in a ball by his side, asleep.

* * *

Addison ~ the brownstone ~ 3 years ago

As Addison studied her daughter, sleeping on the bed beside her, a wave of calm washed over her. Devony somehow made the world seem all right. She found herself wondering, even after only four months with her, how she had survived all those years without her.

Little Devony was lying on her back and breathing softly. Her hair was dark, darker even than Derek's, although she had his eyes exactly. Addison reveled in Devony's unconditional love, although she wished that her daughter's father had loved her the same.

Derek. It still hurt to think of him. She sometimes thought that the hurt would never go away, although hopefully it would subside at least slightly.

She had already dealt with balancing motherhood and her career. The Chief at Mt. Sinai was very understanding, especially since he liked her and she was a single mother. She was able to pass off some of her textbook surgeries to the many residents at the hospital.

She wanted Derek to meet their daughter, their miracle they had created. He might still hate her because of Mark, but he deserved to know, and she wanted him to. Someday, she vowed, he would meet Devony.

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**Reviews are lovely, lovely things :D  
**


	6. Chapter 6

**My Never  
Chapter 6**

**Thanks you for the reviews, everyone!! I'm glad you're enjoying the story. Seriously :D Here is the next chapter for you.**

* * *

Derek ~ Seattle Grace Hospital ~ 4 years ago

Addison is gone. Addison is gone. Addison left. She left me. She's gone, how can she be gone? Derek repeated the words over and over in his head as he sat beside Meredith, who was chatting away happily.

His _wife _was gone. How had he let that happen? They had been through so much together. Med school, their internships, Evelyn, residency, and every other problem and bump in-between. And now he had just let her go?

It wasn't like he thought it was going to be, having Addison gone. She had left two days ago. He had thought he would be relieved and happy and in love, but he felt none of those things. He just felt empty. Like he had when first coming to Seattle.

The shrill beep of a pager broke through his thoughts. "Oh, Bailey is paging me. Sorry, Derek, I've gotta go. I'll see you later," Meredith was saying. She leaned in and pecked his lips lightly. Derek's mind went into overdrive.

Forty-eight hours ago, Addison had been kissing him. Her lips moving with his, her tongue dueling his. He remembered her eyes had looked green. Sometimes they were blue, sometimes green, sometimes a mix of both, but on that fateful last day, they had definitely been green. It had been her tears on his cheeks when she pulled away.

As she turned away from him and left, not looking back, it was though a glass pane in Derek's brain had been shattered. The moment she was leaving, he didn't want to live without her. The minute they were done, he forgave her for Mark.

But it was too late. He had to let her go.

Meredith seemed to notice the distant look in his eyes, but she mistook it for desire. She went off to find Bailey, giving him a seductive smile.

* * *

Derek ~ Seattle ~ present

The next morning Devony and Derek stepped out of the elevator to find themselves face to face with an already pissed off Dr. Bailey. She frowned in confusion when she saw Devony.

"You brought her to work, Shepherd? Shouldn't she be in preschool? What's she going to do here all day?"

"She can already _read, _Miranda. What's she going to do at preschool?"

"I don't know. She can already read? I can't believe it. Tuck's four, and all he does at school is eat crayons."

"She seems to like the hospital. She must have been there a lot, with Addison." Derek saw the look of pure pain on Bailey's face when he mentioned Addison's name, but she composed herself quickly.

"Well, Shepherd, I'm still not exactly sure what you're going to do with her all-"

They were interrupted by Richard, who was talking with the police while he walked down the hall. He looked up and saw Derek and Devony. "Evelyn?" Richard blurted out unthinkingly, seeing her.

Derek felt his heart constrict.

"I – sorry, Derek," Richard said quickly. "Who is that?"

"This . . . is Devony. Addison's daughter," Derek told his old mentor.

"Addison has a child?" Richard asked the police.

"Dr. Shepherd, we were looking for you. There are some things we need to discuss concerning Dr. Montgomery's disappearance."

"Okay, Richard, do you think you could watch Devony while I . . ."

"Uh . . . sure." Richard was clearly still in shock, and Derek couldn't blame him, but he needed to speak with the police.

"Dr. Shepherd, we contacted the airport, location of the conference in LA, and the hotel where Addison Montgomery had reservations. She got on the plane and reached the airport in LA, but she never made it to the conference. We have no proof that she was kidnapped, but the evidence points that way."

Another officer took over. "We called Naomi and Sam Bennett, who we understand are friends of Addison living LA. Addison was planning on having lunch with them after the conference before flying back. She arrived in LA at about eleven twenty at night. Her hotel reservations were for that night only, and she had a flight booked for three o'clock the next day. The last contact she had with anyone was her daughter, who she called before her flight to say goodbye."

"We've already spoken with Devony. Her mother told her she would be back the next day. They had tickets to go to a children's theatre, so she was clearly planning to return. That indicates that she's being held against her will."

_Well, obviously_, Derek thought, but he didn't say that. He knew they were just doing their jobs, but nobody who knew Addison would ever think for a minute that she would just get up and leave. "Well, she must have disappeared between landing in LA and the conference. Do you know if she took a taxi, or rented a car? Did she even leave the airport? It was dark out, after all. Could she have been taken at the actual location of the conference?"

"Dr. Shepherd, we'll tell you when we know something more," an officer told him shortly. "We do know how to conduct an investigation and we're doing our best to find Addison Montgomery."

Derek, however, couldn't let it go. "I know you must have talked to Savvy and Weiss and Sam and Naomi, but what about Archer? Or her parents? Or my sister, Nancy, they're friends, maybe she knows something, _anything _else that could help."

"I assure you we are taking care of this, Dr. Shepherd. Now if you would actually like us to work on _finding _Addison . . ."

Derek sighed and let them walk away. The police knew what they were doing, he was sure, but nobody knew Addison better than him. He could call Naomi, Archer, and Nancy himself. He did not really want to contact her parents, but he would do it if he had to. There wasn't anything he wouldn't do to find her.

A few minutes later he realized he hadn't seen Meredith yet that morning. He found her writing post-op notes at a nurse's station.

"Hey," he said, coming up behind her.

"Hey," she said. He could tell she was still mad at him.

"Look, Meredith, I didn't know about Devony either. And I know this is going to be hard for you. It's going to be hard for me too. But please don't just give up on us. We can do this. Just try. Please?"

She looked at him, a calculating look in her eyes. "Fine, Derek. We can try. But I don't know anything about raising kids, and I have lots of other things to worry about. So as for that part of it – count me out."

* * *

Addison ~ Mt. Sinai ~ 2 years, 9 months ago

"Addie, you need to go home and sleep."

"I can't, Nancy, I just can't. I can't lose Devony. She's all I have left. I've already lost Evelyn and Derek, and I can't lose Devony!" Both of them glanced over at the sleeping seven month old baby. Addison could see the beads of sweat on her tiny body from across the room. A rash covered her skin, and Addison had been told earlier that day that she was in shock because her brain was swelling.

It had been hard not to panic, that first time Devony seized. But Addison was a trained doctor, and she had known what to do. Once they got to the hospital, however, other doctors took over because Devony's illness was nonsurgical. Addison found out later that Devony had viral meningitis. There was nothing to do except let it run its course and keep her fever down.

Addison had sat vigil in Devony's room for the past two days. Long shifts gave her the stamina to stay up the entire time, although Nancy had to force her to eat. She watched her baby the entire time, as if she could will her to get better. It was times like these that Addison missed Derek the most. He would know what to say, and even though Addison knew all about meningitis and Mt. Sinai had some of the best doctors in the world, she wanted Derek helping their daughter.

* * *

**Obviously, Devony does not die, or else there wouldn't really be a story. So that wasn't a cliffhanger. Anyway thanks for reading **

**:) :) :)**


	7. Chapter 7

**My Never  
Chapter 7**

**Okay, sorry, I got a little confused and posted the wrong story chapter here. But it's fixed now, my bad.**

**This isn't super long but I think it answers a few questions and clears up a few things. (I know you've probably been wondering who Evelyn is, she's been mentioned a few times.) I wasn't actually going to upload today, but it might be a little while before the next update so I decided to. Thank you to all my wonderful reviewers!**

* * *

Derek ~ Mt. Sinai ~ 14 years ago

He knew it caused gossip. He knew all the older doctors were looking disapprovingly at the girl who had foolishly gotten pregnant during her internship. They thought they knew so much better, and it made Derek so angry he wanted to punch the smug looks off of their faces.

The only supportive one was Richard. Derek knew he was a little disappointed in them, since their careers and entire lives would be affected greatly, but that he cared about his two young interns deeply.

Derek sprinted through the crowded halls, trying to get to Addison's room soon enough to see his child born. He still wore his scrubs and scrub cap, as he had been in the middle of assisting in a surgery when they had paged him to tell him his baby was coming.

He was nervous, as all new fathers had a right to be, but Derek was especially so. Just two weeks ago they had found out that their baby had a congenital heart defect. And now Addison was going into preterm labor, and their baby was only 25 weeks old.

The odds weren't good, but Derek was young and optimistic and he believed that if he and Addison could be strong and trust that their baby would live, then it would. He would later curse that optimism and the naivety that made him believe such things.

When he held Evelyn Grace Montgomery Shepherd in his arms five hours later, he was so full of hope and light and laughter and love he felt as though he might burst. She would need numerous surgeries if she survived the night, but she was alive and well in his arms right then.

He visited their daughter while Addison slept, and then fell asleep himself in a chair outside the NICU. That night changed everything.

* * *

Derek ~ Meredith's house ~ present

"Is this the last one?" Meredith called from her mother's old office.

"Well, I've got more at the trailer, but those can stay there for now." Derek was moving some of his excess stuff into Meredith's house. He took the scissors out of his pocket and cut through the tape of a box. It was filled with old photos. Derek smiled at a picture of him, Addison, and his family in New York.

He was glad to have the day off, because on his third day with Devony, he was still unsure what to do about work. She could go to the hospital daycare, but Derek was afraid of what she would do there. And if she got thrown out, he wouldn't have anywhere for her to go in an emergency. He could take her to consults easily if he needed to, but of course she could not accompany him when he went into surgery. So far some of Meredith's friends, their interns, and Mark, Bailey, and Richard had taken turns watching Devony when Derek needed it, but he wasn't sure if this arrangement would last forever, especially since Devony needed constant attention.

As if to prove this point, there was a sudden screech from Meredith. He ran out of the room to see Devony standing in front of a wall, purple popsicle juice dripping down her arm. She was wearing someone's t-shirt with the words 'party like a wok star' and a wide smile. Derek accessed the damage. Devony had used the popsicle as someone else would a crayon or marker, so there was a large person draw in purple juice covering Meredith's wall. Derek sighed.

Meredith was not happy. "Derek, can you not control your kid?"

"She's only three, Meredith, and she's going through a rough time. Her mother is gone and she's living in a strange city with strange people," Derek defended.

"Still, do you have no control over what she does?"

"The only one who could control her was Addison," Derek said softly.

Meredith rolled her eyes and stomped off. He heard her ranting while she went through the boxes. "Let's get you cleaned up," he said to his daughter. "And, Dev, I like your drawings, but let's find some paper next time, okay?"

"Okay," Devony agreed happily, wrapping her sticky arms around his neck.

"Here, Derek, I can take her so you can talk to Meredith," Izzie said, coming down the stairs with Alex behind her.

"Yeah, hey, kid, want to come play with us?" Alex asked. Derek looked at Devony inquiringly. She nodded, so he set her gently on the floor.

She ran to take Izzie's hand immediately. "Be good," Derek told her. She smiled innocently. "Thanks, Izzie, for doing this. I'll clean up the wall later. 'Cause you kinda have to watch her every minute." Izzie nodded and picked the little girl up.

Derek walked back into the office. "Meredith," he said quietly. She didn't say anything. Derek decided to give her a minute, but then he noticed she was bent over a box, something in her hand, and she wasn't moving. "Mer?" he asked.

He went to her side. In her hands was Evelyn's baby album. There was picture of him and Addison picnicking in the sun, his arms around her huge belly and his lips on her hair. There was a picture of them with Mark at the hospital where they were all interns, and both Derek and Mark had a hand on her bump. There was a picture of the day Evelyn was born. Addison was holding Evelyn with Derek by his side, while Richard looked on. They all looked much younger. Derek remembered Adele taking the picture.

"You have _another _kid you didn't tell me about, Derek?"

"That's Evelyn. She was born when Addison and I were interns. She was born at 25 weeks old and had a heart defect, and she only lived for nine hours."

"You could have told me," Meredith said softly.

Derek didn't say anything. Evelyn was a taboo topic. He and Addison never talked about her, and others followed their example.

At first the loss of Evelyn actually made Addison and Derek closer. They bonded through the terrible experience and depended on each other. They had one of the most happy, thriving marriages of anyone they knew for years. But then they had started to get more and more successful. Derek was ready to have more kids, but Addison never was. Derek threw himself into his work, trying to escape it all. The truth was, Evelyn was the beginning of the end.

* * *

Derek ~ Mt. Sinai ~ 14 years ago

He cried out so loudly in shock and pain and disbelief when he went in the next morning that all the teeny preemies started to wail piercingly. But it didn't matter because all Derek could see was the cloth covering Evelyn's body as they wheeled her out. She hadn't survived the night, despite all his hope and the best care in the world.

Later that morning, Derek walked into Addison's hospital room, broken, defeated, and furious at the world. But when she saw him, she smiled.

"Derek, did you go see Evelyn? She's beautiful, huh? She has your hair and your eyes. Isn't she amazing? I know they said she was pretty sick, but late last night she was doing better. How is she this morning?"

"She's . . . dead, Addison." He was forced to watch the utter devastation of the love of his life as she broke down, unable to even look at him because he reminded her of what she had lost.

* * *

**Well, so the deep dark secret of DerekandAddison is out. I hope you liked the new chapter!**


	8. Chapter 8

**My Never  
Chapter 8**

**Hmm, I rather like this chapter. I hope you all do as well! Oh yeah, and this is sorta cheesy, but I wrote the end part of the chapter to the song So Close by Jon McLaughlin. I think I actually managed to get the right chapter of the right story up this time (unlike last time, haha.)**

* * *

Addison ~ Evelyn's grave ~ 2 years, 4 months ago

Addison stroked Devony's silky, mist kissed curls as she stared down at the grave of her other child. It had been almost eleven years, and moss was starting to creep up the pure white marble.

_Evelyn Grace Montgomery Shepherd_

_Beloved daughter, granddaughter,  
__  
and godchild for too short a time._

"_Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,  
__  
love leaves a memory no one can steal."_

Addison sniffed softly, trying not to alert her daughter to her tears. They ran silently down her cheeks and fell off her chin onto her collarbone, warm at first but soon cooled by the frostbitten air.

Addison could imagine Evelyn if she had lived – a larger version of Devony, her black hair reaching farther down her back, and her pale blue eyes even more mischievous. She would be nearly eleven.

"Why are you crying, mom?" she would ask, skipping up to her mother. She would give Addison a hug, and Addison would wipe away her tears because her daughter was not lost after all. Devony would reach out a hand to tug her sister's midnight colored curls, just like she pulled her mother's red ones. And then, maybe, just maybe, Addison would feel a hand on her back, and she would turn to find Derek behind her, beaming with happiness.

But it was not meant to be, and Addison blinked and it was gone. She shifted Devony's weight, making a crinkling sound as she bumped the brilliant red roses she'd brought for Evelyn. She knelt and set them next to the grave. Involuntarily, she rested a hand on the moss covered stone. Devony stirred and opened her eyes.

"Mama?" she asked.

"Hey, Dev. Say hello to your sister," Addison told her softly. Devony waved a tiny hand at the grave. "Daddy says hello too," Addison whispered. She squatted in front of her lost child until her thighs began to burn, and then she straightened up and walked back into the mist.

* * *

Derek ~ Seattle Grace ~ present

"Alright. Thank you. You have my number if you find anything more. Bye." Derek groaned in frustration as he pressed the end button on his cell phone. He had just gotten off the phone with the airport. They did not know anything more about Addison's disappearance and they had gotten quite annoyed with his questions, probably because the police already had an investigation going on there.

Derek didn't know what else to do, though, or where else to look. He had called Savvy again, and then Naomi, Archer, Nancy, Kathleen, his mother and his other sisters, and Addison's coworkers and Mt. Sinai. Nobody knew anything.

The only people he had not called yet were her parents. He didn't know how much they knew about the demise of their marriage, but he had gotten the impression from Savvy that Addison had not been in close contact with them. He knew he would have to call them eventually, if only to inform them that their daughter was missing. The police had wanted to do so right away, but Derek talked them out of it, explaining that it would not help anything.

It was four in the morning, and the hospital had a comfortable, quiet ambiance, as if it was asleep. Of course, if he journeyed down to the action packed ER or the surgical floor, it would be different, but Derek enjoyed the few minutes of relaxation.

Devony slept beside him. This was only his fifth day with his daughter. Only the fifth day. Addison and his family had known her for her whole life. He remembered a conversation with his mother the night before.

After she assured him she unfortunately knew nothing more about Addison, Derek asked about Devony, and what she had been like as a baby and a toddler. When his mother told him, Derek couldn't help the feeling of loss that swept through him.

"_You didn't think, just once, that maybe I would want to know I had a child?" he said angrily._

"_I didn't know anything, Derek, much less how you could do the things that you did."_

"_I had a right to know, mom."_

"_We tried to convince Addison to tell you, Derek, but it was her decision. She was planning to let you meet Devony eventually. But, Derek, you never called, you weren't in contact with her or your family. I found out news secondhand from Mark. You didn't want her, you didn't want New York, you didn't want your family, and you didn't want your old life. You came out here once since you moved out there. All you wanted was Seattle and your girlfriend. How was Addison to know that you would want a child that embodied of all the things you didn't want?"_

"_I – I don't know. But I would have been there for Addison and Devony."_

"_Yes, maybe you would have, but until you could bring yourself to forgive Addison you would have resented her for it."_

"_I still would have wanted to know I had a child. I missed so much of her life, mom."_

"_You could have been there for it, Derek. I know you wanted kids again after Evelyn. You could have been there for every single moment of Devony's life. Addison could have bought you a baby spoon to tell you, like she did with Evelyn, instead of coming to my doorstep sobbing. It could have been your hand Addison was holding while she was in labor instead of Savvy's. Devony's first word could have been 'dada' if she'd known her dad. You could have had that life, Derek. Addison got pregnant with Devony while you two were still married. She would have found out soon. If you hadn't been with your girlfriend at prom . . ."_

"_I know, mom. I know I screwed up. That was one of my worst mistakes. But did I really deserve this? I'm glad for the opportunity to be a father, but it's hard like this. And do I deserve to have the love of my life kidnapped?"_

_There was silence on the other end of the phone. Then, "Derek, do you still love Addison?"_

"_What? I – no, I let Addison go. I just still think of her as the love of my life sometimes out of habit. I did think that for fifteen years. But I'm in love with Meredith now."_

"_Are you really? Are you sure? It's been four years; you should be over Addison by now if you truly don't love her anymore."_

"_I don't know, mom. I don't know what I feel anymore. I just need to focus on finding Addison, and then I'll work it out."_

"_Okay, Derek, I'll let you go. You probably have to get Devony to bed."_

"_Yeah, I do. Bye mom, I'll love you. I'm sorry for not calling more; I'll try to do better. And mom . . . thanks."_

Derek was roused from his thoughts by the approach of Meredith. She smiled at him tentatively; they were still on thin ice as a couple. Derek worked his face muscles to reciprocate the smile, but it was fake, as none of the emotions assailing Derek were worthy of a smile. There was something his mother had said that kept coming back to him.

"_You could have been there, Derek. You could have been there. You could have been there . . ."_

* * *

Addison ~ The Shepherd house ~ 10 months ago (Christmas)

"Wow, Dev, look how big you are now! How old is she again, Addison?" Nancy asked, tickling her little niece.

"Two and a half," Addison told them proudly. She set Devony down in the Shepherd's beautifully decorated living room. She carefully fixed the pale blue ribbon holding her daughter's hair in a little ponytail on top of her head. Devony toddled off through the many presents to play with the other Shepherd grandchildren.

Addison smiled at the kids, and then walked into the kitchen to open the wine she'd brought. She wrestled with the cork in front of the sink, gazing out at the winter wonderland outside. She frowned when she saw a car enter the driveway and make its way to the house.

"Mom," she called to Derek's mother, who was giving the kids fresh baked cookies, "we weren't expecting anyone else, were we?"

"No, why?" Carolyn Shepherd asked.

"Because there's a car in your driveway."

"Hmm, maybe one of my friends decided to stop by."

Addison continued to watch curiously as the door of the car opened. Suddenly she froze. It was Derek. Derek was here. Derek was here, and so was Devony.

As if Addison wasn't panicked enough, Derek walked around to the other door and opened it for Meredith. "Oh, no," Addison said faintly.

"What?" Nancy asked, walking over.

"It's – Derek and . . ." Addison said in a strangled voice.

"And the slutty intern!" Nancy said in outrage, forgetting, of course, that there was no way Meredith could still be an intern.

"_Derek _is here?" Kathleen asked in surprise.

"I have to go!" Addison said quickly. She walked over to Devony, picked the little girl up out of the sea of toys, and put on both of their coats. "I have to go. I can't . . . he can't . . . I have to go." She shook off Carolyn and Nancy's attempts to convince her to stay.

"No, mommy! I don't want to go!" Devony yelled.

"Sorry, baby, we have to," Addison said. She had lost all rational thought when she saw her ex-husband. The last time they had even spoken was while negotiating the divorce. And now he was here. If it had just been him, maybe Addison would have considered staying, but he had brought his girlfriend. This couldn't happen, not now, not like this.

Addison ran out the back door and into the snow. She got Devony bundled into her car seat and had closed her own door before she summoned up enough courage to look back. But Derek hadn't seen her; he and Meredith were already inside.

* * *

Derek ~ Shepherd house ~ 10 months ago

"Hey, everybody," Derek said in a falsely jolly voice as he walked inside. He was met with absolute silence. His family stared at him and Meredith as they stood by the front door awkwardly.

"Derek, hi," his mother said after a minute, coming to hug him. The rest of the family said still-shocked hellos after that. Derek couldn't remember the last time he'd been home for Christmas. Even the last year he lived in New York he had been at the hospital on Christmas, although he knew Addison and Mark had come.

The door was still slightly ajar and Derek heard a car start and turned to see it pull away rather quickly. "I'm sorry, did we interrupt . . . was someone here?"

"Yeah, just a friend. She had to leave," Nancy said shortly.

"Oh," Derek said. They were all still staring at him. He got the impression he was missing something, but he tried to forget it as he and Meredith were finally welcomed in.

All of his family was painfully polite to Meredith, but Derek thought it was the best he could have hoped for. It was truly a Christmas miracle in Nancy's case. He was just glad that everybody was being nice to each other. Soon it felt like old times as the celebration began, although one key element to the traditions was missing. How could it truly feel like Christmas without Addie?

Derek noticed a ribbon lying on the floor while they watched the kids open their presents. It was light blue, the same color of his eyes. He forgot about it abruptly when he heard the children's gasps of delight, but somehow the ribbon ended up in his pocket that night.

Soon the floor was littered with wrapping paper and the kids were excitedly showing off their new toys.

"What about D-" one of the kids started to ask, but he was cut off by Nancy.

"Okay, time for dessert!" she called loudly.

"Wait, guys, there are more presents under here!" Derek said, ducking under the tree.

His mother came over quickly. "Oh, what are those doing there? I was supposed to take those to the homeless shelter last weekend. I bought them for the kids there that don't get presents." She gathered up all the presents and slapped away his hand when he tried to help. "I got it," she said, taking them upstairs. Derek saw her exchange a relieved look with Nancy. He puzzled over it until Meredith came over and put a hand on his arm, handing him some cider.

Derek ~ present

_Oh my god – They were there_, he thought. _Addison and Devony were there that Christmas. I was so close to my daughter._ That had been Addison, running away when she saw him coming with Meredith. Those had been Devony's presents under the tree that his mom hid. And he had a feeling it had been Devony's ribbon also.

Now he fully understood what his mother had meant. _You could have been there._

* * *

**I'm not sure who the quote from Evelyn's grave is from, so I can't give credit. It was found on a tombstone in Ireland, that's all I know. So, yeah, anyway, I hope you liked it!**

* * *


	9. Chapter 9

**My Never  
Chapter 9**

**This is kind of just a cute, fluffy chapter. Both Addison (in the past) and Derek (in the present) have mommy/daddy moments with Devony. And I know everyone wants to get to the Addek stuff, but I want to do this right and not jump right into it. So there will be a few more chapters of Derek/Devony bonding before anything else.**

* * *

Derek ~ Seattle Grace ~ present

"Alright, Dev, ready to go home?" Derek knelt down and picked up his daughter.

"Back to the trailer?" she asked.

"Yes, why?" Derek asked curiously.

"I don't like the trailer," she whined.

Derek chuckled. "You _so _your mother's child. She didn't like the trailer either."

"Mommy was here?" Devony asked.

"Yeah, before you were born." Derek grinned, remembering that the trailer was where Devony had been conceived. "She always hated it, though. But I'll tell you what: If you come back to the trailer with me, I'll make you whatever you want for dinner. How does that sound?"

"Can we have pancakes, daddy?" Devony asked him excitedly, her big blue eyes widening in excitement.

"Um, sure, if that's what you want. I'll have to pick up some pancake mix from the store."

A few hours later Devony sat on the bed, watching a movie on the new DVD player Derek had bought while he worked out how to make the pancakes. He could hear the music of The Little Mermaid coming from the bedroom, and it wasn't doing much for his concentration.

He carefully stirred up the batter, water, and chocolate chips. Then he poured them into the pan. They were not gorgeous, as Derek hadn't mastered the perfect circle thing yet, but they were pancakes. Clumsily he flipped them, spread some butter, and scooped them onto two plates. He carried them into the bedroom and sat beside his daughter.

"Thanks, Daddy," she said, her eyes still trained on the movie. Derek tried to pay attention so he would know what to do when he would inevitably have to be the little mermaid. He felt like groaning as Ariel began to sing what felt like the hundredth song. Devony started to sing with her. She hadn't, apparently, inherited Derek or Addison's cringe-worthy singing voices, although Derek couldn't imagine who she'd gotten her bell-like voice from.

When Ariel sang her last note, Derek helped Devony clean the chocolate off her face, take a shower, and get into her pajamas. Then he sat on the bed, combing her long black hair, and was grateful, for the first time in his life, that he'd had four sisters.

"Daddy?" Devony asked as he parted her hair for French braids. "I miss mommy. Is she coming back soon?" Her sad little voice broke Derek's heart.

"I'm sorry, baby, it might be a while," he said quietly.

"Oh," she said softly. She wiped her eyes quickly, and Derek realized she was trying not to cry.

He picked her up and settled her on his chest. She buried her head in his scrubs, which he hadn't had time to change out of yet, and he carefully stroked her smooth black hair. "Dev, it's okay to miss your mom. You're a brave girl, but it's okay to cry."

"I want to go home," Devony said, looking up at him with tears streaming down her cheeks.

"I know, I'm sorry. I'm sorry." It was all Derek could think of to say.

* * *

Derek ~ Seattle Grace ~ 2 years ago

"I don't understand."

"I'm not ready for that, Derek."

"I thought that we were together. I thought we were moving forward. I thought this was what you wanted," Derek said, frustrated.

"I'm just not ready," Meredith told him.

"When will you be ready, Meredith? Every time I try to move forward in this relationship, you get scared and run away. I used to think it was because of your past, but now I'm not so sure. I don't think we ever wanted the same things. Did we?"

"So, we're living together. I don't want to think about marriage or kids, Derek."

"You don't seem to care what _I_ want, Meredith!" Derek yelled.

"All you do is push me, Derek!"

"And all _you _do is run away! What do you want from me? We're together when you want to have sex, but the next day, you ignore me. I'm working at this, and you're not. You don't want to work, you won't compromise. Addison compromised, she moved out here for our relationship, she gave up everything, and you can't even commit!"

"STOP _TALKING _ABOUT ADDISON! You bring her up every time we have a problem! It's always Addison this or Addison that. If she's so fucking perfect, why don't you go back to her, Derek?"

"I want this to work, Meredith, I do! I just need you to try as much as I do!"

"You are forcing this to work, Derek. And you're trying to make our relationship into what you had with Addison. You're trying to turn me into her! I don't want to get married right now! I just want a stable relationship!"

"I've had stable relationships. I've done the roommates thing. I want more, because I'm running out of time!"

* * *

Addison ~ Target ~ 6 months ago

Addison walked through the bright red doors of Target, holding her daughter's hand tightly. She had never shopped at Target before she'd had Devony, but now she bought everything here, except clothes, of course. It was nice to have everything in one place.

Devony's bright eyes, so like her dad's, took in the store eagerly. Addison could only imagine the trouble her daughter could get into here. She sighed, grabbed a cart, and started off through the store.

"Do you want to ride?" she asked Devony after a minute.

"No, I want to help push!" Addison smiled and let Devony stand on the frame of the cart so she could reach the handle. She maneuvered through the crowded store to the snack isles, and stood in front of them, trying to decide what to buy.

"Mommy, daddy, look!" she heard a little boy say from an adjacent isle. "They have the new one! They have the new one!" Addison turned to see a little boy running up to his parents and handing them a toy. His cheeks were flushed and his light brown hair was in disarray from running so fast. He looked about Devony's age, maybe a little older.

The dad had his arms around the mother, and they both peered at the toy their son was holding out to them. The mom looked hesitant, but the dad gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and put the toy in their cart for their son. The little family walked off, looking unbearably happy from Addison's point of view. She knew that families like that weren't perfect, but it looked pretty damn good to her. She had somehow missed out on that. There was no Derek standing beside _her,_ no Derek coming home at night to help with Devony's bath, no Derek to hold her when it all got to be too much.

She blinked her eyes rapidly and turned back to Devony, who had filled their cart with seven types of fish crackers. "Dev, let's just pick two, okay?"

Devony smiled and took the extra crackers back to their respective places. Addison lifted her daughter back onto their cart. Then she adjusted her new trench coat that went perfectly with her several inch heels. She was aware that she did not fit it at Target, but it didn't matter, because she wasn't sure where she fit anymore.

She and Devony continued to the shampoo isle. Devony walked down, taking each shampoo off the shelf and smelling it before putting it back.

In the next isle, Devony stood innocently off to the side and snuck various items into oblivious people's carts.

Addison groaned, massaged her temples, and ran over to grab Devony's hand just as she slipped a banana flavored condom pack into an eighty year old lady's cart.

"Devony," she said, raising an eyebrow. She sincerely hoped that Devony did not know what condoms were and her choice to put those particular items in the woman's shopping cart was random. Addison was pretty sure that it was, because condoms weren't the only things that had found their way into people's carts today.

"Sorry, mommy," Devony said. She looked appropriately contrite, as she only did when talking to her mother. Savvy, Carolyn, and Nancy were all unable to take Devony shopping, as the only person she would listen to was Addison.

"It's okay, sweetie, but please, _try _to behave yourself at least until we leave the store." Devony smiled innocently, a look Addison knew well, and she sighed again.

"Mamma, are those diapers?" Devony said loudly as they continued down the isle. Addison wished she could turn invisible.

"Yes, Dev, those are diapers. They're for adults, okay? Now, please, baby, lower your voice," Addison begged.

"Why would grown-ups need diapers?" Devony asked curiously. "Diapers are for babies."

"It's hard to explain, Dev, but let's just forget about it alright? I'll buy you an Icee when we leave."

"A red one?"

"Sure," Addison promised, relieved.

As they finished their shopping and got in line, they spotted the old woman from earlier. She was squawking about the banana condoms. "Oh my god," Addison moaned. Devony was watching, delighted. Addison glanced back at the scene, and she couldn't help laughing. Devony started laughing too, and they both dissolved into complete hysterics while the other people in line stared.

_I wouldn't trade anything for this,_ Addison thought. _I don't have Derek, and I never will, but at least I have this._

_

* * *

_

**I thought it would be good to show what Addison and Devony's relationship was like before she disappeared. And also the problems that Derek and Meredith had once Addison was gone. Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed it :D**

* * *


	10. Chapter 10

**My Never  
Chapter 10**

**I just looked at the promo pictures for the big crossover thing coming up in Feb, and I'm really excited. Unfortunately, after I post this I have to study for finals. Bleh. Disgusting. :P  
Anyway . . . Derek and Meredith have problems, both in the past and present, Derek adjusts to being a dad, and part of the story is told from a new point of view.**

* * *

Derek ~ Meredith's house ~ 1 year ago

Derek heard Meredith come in and set her keys on the counter. He was sitting on her couch, reading a medical journal. Izzie was in the kitchen, baking one thing or another. Alex, George and Cristina were probably somewhere around the house, although he wasn't sure where. The couch slumped slightly as Meredith sat beside him.

She started to snuggle up to him, but then pulled back abruptly. "You're reading that _again,_ Derek? Seriously?" she asked incredulously.

"What? It's interesting," he said, keeping his eyes on the page, searching for some bit of hidden information that just wasn't there.

"You've read it at least five times, Derek."

"What, exactly, is the problem, Meredith?" He knew what the problem was, though. The problem was that the article he was pouring over featured Addison. The problem was that Addison was on the cover of the journal, the first time he'd seen her in three years. The problem was that he could not seem to put the article down.

"What could you _possibly _have missed the first four times you read that, Derek?" Meredith demanded, her voice rising in anger. Izzie glanced at them from the kitchen and then carefully put the cake in the oven, as if making a lot of noise would set one of them off.

"Meredith, it's about a baby with two heads. The doctors on the case removed one of them. So what if one of them is my ex-wife? It's a really cool case, but this article isn't very informative."

"I've read it, Derek, and it's plenty informative, in the medical sense. It's just not informative in the sense that you'd like."

Derek sighed, trying to convey that he thought she was being ridiculous without taking the time to say the words. Meredith went upstairs after a minute, but Derek felt Izzie's eyes on him. Internally, he groaned in frustration. There was no more information to find in the article about Addison. There were several quotes from her about the case, and she explained the procedure precisely, but there was nothing about her life, no details about how she was doing, no little snippets for him to treasure. It was strictly medical. The only information Derek gleaned was from the picture on the cover, and that was that she still liked to wear designer clothes to work and her hair was still impeccably styled. He wouldn't have expected anything else. He threw the article aside, it was useless.

* * *

Derek ~ the trailer ~ present

"Okay, Dev, what shoes do you want today? Wait, let me guess. Your purple crocs?"

"Yes!" she said, laughing delightedly. "You're smart, daddy."

"I beg to differ, Dev. You're just predictable," Mark said, laughing. He ruffled her hair as he passed her on the way to the tiny fridge.

"Daddy, can we play princesses?" Devony asked him.

"No, baby, we've got to get to the hospital. When we get home, we'll play, I promise. You can eat your pop-tarts in the car, okay?" He quickly scooped the pop-tarts out of the toaster and wrapped them in a paper towel. He was getting better at the dad thing. Then he, Mark, and Devony walked quickly through the light rain out to his car.

"Hey, you poked me!" Devony squealed from the back seat.

"What? I don't know what you're talking about," Mark said innocently.

"Yes, you do, Unca Mark. I _know _you did it."

"Look, a bird!" Devony gasped and looked out the window, and Mark prodded her side again. Devony poked him back. He frowned, and poked her arm. Devony retaliated quickly, and soon a poke-war had broken out.

"Alright, children, settle down back there," Derek said fake sternly from the front. Devony started laughing as Mark began tickling her.

"Stop it, Unca Mark, that tickles!" she giggled.

"And . . . we're finally here. Thank god," Derek said. "I can get away from your infernal racket. I know why me and Addison never had more kids in New York. We were too busy taking care of you," he said to Mark. "You were our child. At least until you slept with her; that changed things."

"Funny, Derek," Mark said sarcastically.

Meredith met them in the entrance. "You didn't call me last night," she said to Derek.

"Sorry, Devony had trouble going to sleep," he told her.

"You could have at least called, Derek," she said petulantly.

"I said I was sorry. But being the best dad Devony could have is the number one thing on my list right now, Mer."

"You're doing this for _her_." Meredith said disdainfully. "We both know it."

"I'm doing it for my daughter _and _Addison, Meredith." Derek found himself wondering how much longer they were going to last. Were they going to survive this? Did he even want them to? Had Devony woken him up to what was really important to him?

All he knew was when they found Addison, no matter what state she was in, he was going to want to be there for her every minute of the day, except for those he needed to take care of Devony.

He cared about Meredith. But was that enough? He wasn't sure. Was it love? He didn't know that anymore, either.

After leaving Meredith, Derek once again ran into the police. Holding Devony's hand tightly, he asked quietly, "Do you know anything, _anything _yet? It's been two and a half weeks since I found out she was missing, and a month since she was reported missing. She was gone for two weeks before that. Please tell me you know something."

"It's been on the news and everything, Dr. Shepherd, but nobody knows anything."

Derek was about to make an angry retort when he got an emergency page. "Shit. I mean – um, shoot. Devony, you didn't hear that, okay?" He looked around desperately, trying to figure out what to do with Devony. Mark was probably already in surgery and nobody else was there yet. It was too late to take her to the daycare.

To his relief, Cristina came around the corner at that moment. "Here, can you watch her?" he asked, handing her Devony's small backpack. "Thanks," he said, without waiting for an answer.

"Wait, but – I don't know anything about kids, except where surgery is concerned!" Cristina yelled after him.

"You took care of Bailey's baby, didn't you? How hard can it be to watch a three year old?" Derek asked, walking off.

* * *

~ Cristina ~

Why did she always get stuck with everyone's kids? She didn't even like kids. Cristina sighed in extreme annoyance and met the eyes of the three year old staring at her.

Normally kids didn't really like her either, but Devony wasn't afraid of anybody. Cristina had already heard horror stories about this child from Meredith. Izzie, George, and Alex had told her things too, although they made Devony's crimes sound endearing rather than nightmare-worthy.

Cristina glanced at the child once more before walking off. Would she follow her? Whatever. It didn't matter. There were probably extremely interesting cases hiding around somewhere, and she wasn't going to miss them just because Derek had dumped his kid on her.

Devony, it turned out, did indeed follow her when she walked away. Cristina was forced to go slower than usual in order to compensate for Devony's short legs, and it did not endear her to the kid. Her fellow residents were probably getting all the good surgeries right at that moment.

Finally Cristina reached the room of her first patient. She wasn't really sure where her interns were, but she knew they weren't getting into any more trouble after what she had nicknamed 'the Sadie disaster,' so she didn't really have anything to worry about.

"How are you feeling this morning, sir?" Cristina asked her patient.

"Is he sick?" Devony asked.

"He has a problem with his heart. Now, please, either be quiet or go find someone else to annoy." Cristina worried the second after she said the words that they were too harsh and Devony would start crying. But she didn't. She just watched Cristina carefully, her face full of insatiable curiosity.

"What's wrong with his heart?" she asked after a minute.

"What did I say?" Cristina growled.

"Hey, cut the kid a break," her patient told her.

"I'm sorry, sir, but you don't know this kid," Cristina said, gritting her teeth. "Devony, I don't have time to explain to you what is wrong with the people in this hospital, and most of them probably don't want you to know anyway."

"Why?"

"Because it's private," Cristina explained.

"Like mommy's treasure box? She keeps my surprises in there. I know. I found my Christmas presents in there last year."

"No wonder you're a devil-child," Cristina muttered. "You're Satan's kid. What did I expect?" She sighed. "Sort of like that, I guess," she said a little louder. "It's a secret. Now can you be quiet for a few minutes so I can finish?"

Devony followed Cristina to the rooms of the next five patients before getting into trouble. Cristina was beginning to get creeped out. Every time she turned around, the child's perfect little face was staring at her. It didn't help that she looked like Addison Montgomery. That just made it even weirder.

When Cristina reached the room of the sixth patient, she realized Devony was no longer behind her. Swearing loudly, she turned around and walked back the way she'd come. Now she would have to waste even _more_ time looking for the troublesome little girl. She was tempted to just go on without her, but her conscience wouldn't let her. Addison had saved her life a few years ago, and the least Cristina could do was find her kid.

After half an hour of fruitless searching, she found Devony in the cafeteria with Derek. "I thought I told you to watch her," Derek said, frowning when he caught sight of Cristina.

"I did, Dr. Shepherd, but then she ran away and-"

"How hard can it be not to lose one kid, Dr. Yang?" Derek asked. Luckily they were interrupted by Dr. Bailey, who needed Cristina. Devony, apparently, had snuck down to the cafeteria and gotten into the chocolate pudding.

_Hmm, what am I going to call that child? _Cristiana thought. _Evil Spawn is already taken, although that would have been perfect, considering she is the spawn of Satan. Satan's spawn, maybe? It's a possibility._

* * *

**If you liked it, or didn't, or are just feeling like it, please right me a little something about what you thought. It may motivate me to work on this even though I have finals . . . :D :D :D**

* * *


	11. Chapter 11

**My Never  
Chapter 11**

**Super Bowl today! My brother bribed me into watching with pizza and candy, so I'm going to pretend I know what's going on while I eat all his food. Well I do _kind of _know what's going on. I just enjoy making him explain it. Both my brothers and my dad are rooting for the Steelers, so my sisters and I are like, okay, whatever, as long as we get to eat your food.**

**I apologize if this is a bit choppy, it was originally two chapters. I decided to combine them because they were both rather short and also because I know you want Addison found quicker. All I can say is that you finally find out what happens to her in I think two or three chapters. Please stay with me – I promise it will happen soon and I think it'll be worth the wait.**

* * *

Derek ~ the trailer ~ present

"Daddy! Daddy, wake up!" Devony said loudly, jumping onto the bed. Derek groaned and put a pillow over his head. "Daddy, I want to play! Daddy, you have to wake up," she said in her high, shrill voice.

He and Devony had been together for two months. He'd gotten used to being a dad. The trailer was filled with blankies and snacks and toys. He knew how to calm her when she cried, and how to play the Little Mermaid.

But that didn't mean that it wasn't hard sometimes. Devony was a very early riser, as she was demonstrating once again. She also got into all kinds of mischief unless someone was watching her 24/7.

Derek played with Devony for a few minutes, cooked her breakfast, and then got her ready to go to the hospital.

He was hailed the minute he walked through the doors, holding Devony's hand. "Dr. Shepherd? Dr. Shepherd!" Derek turned to find himself facing two policemen. "We have new information on the disappearance of Addison Montgomery."

"Really? What is it? Did you find her?" Derek asked quickly, talking a mile a minute.

"No, but it appears she disappeared outside LAX airport. Her phone was found, smashed and half buried in the parking lot. We spoke to the airport again. Addison rented a car the night she disappeared. Several flights had just gotten in, and the rental service was all backed up. The valet system was so slow that they were giving people the option to go out and find their rental cars themselves. Addison elected to do this. It was a short walk to her car, and her phone was found fifty feet from it. We suspect there was someone waiting outside and she was taken on the way to her car, although how they escaped notice by security we're still unsure."

Derek nodded slowly. "Okay, so . . . now what?"

"We're still waiting to hear from anybody who might have seen something that night. The area is roped off, but since it's been 3 months, we're not exactly sure if there'll be anything to find."

"Daddy, is mommy coming back now?" Devony interrupted.

"I'm not sure, Dev," Derek said.

"Daddy, I want Pluffie," Devony told him.

Derek rubbed the side of his face. Lately, she'd been asking for her Pluffie, but he was unsure who or what Pluffie was. Whenever he asked her, she'd only say, "He looks like Pluffie, Daddy."

"Devony, I'm sorry, but I'm really not sure what a Pluffie is, much less where he is."

"Then _find _him!" Devony said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Did Aunt Savvy send him?" Derek asked, remembering the boxes of stuff he'd been unable to open because he didn't have enough room. Devony merely shrugged.

"Honey, I got the groceries," Mark said sarcastically to Derek, walking into the toy explosion that was his trailer later that night.

"Did you get bowties, Unca Mark?" Devony asked, running up excitedly and tearing through the bag to find the bowtie-shaped noodles.

"I sure did, kid. And I got strawberry ice cream. And . . . I even went to the bookstore and got you a princess book."

"The Princess and the – what does that say, Unca Mark?" Devony asked, looking at the cover. Derek still thought it was strange to see his three year old reading.

"Pauper. Barbie's Princess and the Pauper. Is that a good one, Dev?" Mark asked.

"Yes!" Devony shouted breathlessly. "Guess what, Unca Mark? Daddy is going to find Pluffie for me!"

"Pluffie?" Mark asked. "What's a Pluffie?"

"A Pluffie," Devony said simply.

"Is it an animal?"

"A girfaraffe," Devony tried to say.

"A giraffe. Derek, Pluffie is a giraffe!" Mark called to Derek, who was going through the boxes.

"Like this one?" Derek asked, holding it up.

* * *

Derek ~ New York ~ 30 years ago

Two small boys sat on the old church pew. One had hair as black as night, and the other had a head of short gold curls. Both stared at the coffin in front of them in the empty church. Little Derek knew that everyone else was outside, at the funeral reception, but he couldn't leave. Mark loyally stayed at his side.

Derek's arms were curled around his stuffed giraffe, although he knew he was far too old for such toys. The purple and blue pattered fuzz was worn thin, since Derek's father had given the toy to him when he was two. And now his father was dead, and all Derek had left was his giraffe, who he'd named Ernie.

Mark, thoughtful for once in his life, didn't say anything about Ernie. Both boys had eyes full of tears, although neither of them let their tears fall. Mark was quietly mourning the man who had pretty much raised him. But Derek was fighting his tears furiously, not wanting to let anyone see him cry. Especially his sisters. So he clung to Ernie as tightly as he could.

* * *

Derek ~ the trailer ~ present

As Derek handed the giraffe Ernie, now named Pluffie, to Devony, he had to once again fight tears. No matter how much she'd hated him, Addison had dug Pluffie out of the attic of the brownstone to give to his daughter.

"Daddy, ready to play princesses?" Devony asked as soon as she was done hugging Pluffie to death. Derek sighed.

"Okay."

Devony smiled and delight and ran to get her Cinderella dress on. She handed Mark a pink crown, and Derek his purple seashell bra, which he resignedly pulled on over his tee shirt.

"Now, Unca Mark, you have to dance. And Daddy, you sing, okay?"

* * *

Addison ~ the brownstone ~ 6 months ago

"Okay, Dev, blow out your candles!" Addison told her daughter.

Devony grinned and took a deep breath before puffing on the three candles stuck into her pink frosted cake. Addison smiled and clapped. "Did you make a wish?"

"Yes!"

"I suppose you can't tell me, or it won't come true, right?"

"I guess I could tell just you, mommy," Devony said doubtfully.

"Okay," Addison laughed. She bent down, and Devony put her mouth next to Addison ear. Her warm breath tickled, but Addison didn't pull away. "I wished for Daddy to come to my birthday party on Saturday."

Addison sat back in shock. "Dev, I'm sorry, but I don't think that's gonna happen."

"Why not?" Devony asked, her eyes filling with tears. "All my fwiends get to see their daddies."

Addison hesitated. "Daddy lives far away, Dev. In Seattle. I'm sorry," she said, bending to give Devony a hug. Devony wrapped her arms tightly around Addison's neck.

"Sewattle?" she asked. "Can we go see him there?"

Addison bit her lip, torn. She did want Devony to meet Derek. She just wasn't ready. But he needed to know he had a daughter. "How about we go visit Daddy when you turn four, sweetie?"

"Is that a long way away?" Devony asked.

"Not, not really."

"You promise, mommy? You promise we'll go see Daddy when I turn four?"

"I promise, baby," Addison said, picking Devony up to twirl her in a circle.

* * *

Derek ~ a Christmas tree farm somewhere in Seattle ~ present

"Daddy?" Devony's piercing voice broke through the early morning mist.

"What, baby?" Derek asked distractedly.

"When's it going to be Cwistmas?"

"Hmm . . . let me see. Only twenty-six days. That's why we've got to pick a tree."

Devony tightened her mittened hand around his and stood up on her tiptoes, trying to see all the trees. "How about that one, daddy?"

"That one? Seriously?" Derek looked at it doubtfully. It was puny, no more than three feet tall, and squat. Probably the most dysfunctional tree in the place. "You don't like that one?" he asked, pointing out one he'd had his eye on.

"That one?" Devony asked, as if it was the most ridiculous idea ever.

"What's wrong with that one?" Derek demanded. Christmas trees were a sensitive topic. Addison had always mocked his choices, and made him search for hours until they found the perfect one.

"Daddy, that one is a loser. Plus, it's ugly."

Derek laughed and picked her up, setting her on his shoulders. "I have an idea. We'll make a deal: you can get your tree if I can get mine. How about that?"

Devony considered him suspiciously for a minute. "I suppose," she finally conceded. Derek sighed in relief and got to work cutting down their trees. Finally, he got them onto his car and went to pay the man who owned the farm.

"Hey, cute kid," the man behind the counter said to Derek, handing Devony a candycane.

"What? Oh – yeah, thanks," Derek said. "She, uh, looks like her mother." Some moments, even now, the fact that he was a dad still surprised him. He handed the man his money and got Devony strapped into her booster seat before climbing into his own seat and starting the car.

As were driving back through the lush green forest, Derek's cell phone began to ring. It wasn't a number he recognized, but thinking it could be something about Addison, he answered it anyway. "Derek Shepherd."

"Derek." He recognized the ice cold voice of Bizzy Montgomery right away.

"Hello, Bizzy," Derek said politely.

She cut across him, "How dare you not inform us that our daughter is missing?"

"That's funny," Derek retorted angrily, "I didn't know you would care."

"Don't be ridiculous, Derek Shepherd." She sighed. "I suppose she got herself into this mess, did she?"

"She was kidnapped, for god's sake!" Derek yelled. He heard a little gasp from Devony in the back and internally cursed himself. "And I _know _she hadn't talked to you guys for a long time, so don't pretend that not telling you was the crime of the century. As for Devony-"

"Who's Devony?" Bizzy asked.

"Who's – when's the last time you even talked to Addison?"

"Well, I've talked to her a few times on the phone. The last time I saw her was once I heard about the affair, of course. She never did make good decisions."

"Shut up!" Derek growled, gritting his teeth. "You never cared about her; you never paid any attention to her and her father . . ." Derek was unable to finish that sentence. "She was raised by a nanny; she told me all about it. And she didn't turn out like you; she's a good person, so just shut up about her, alright? I messed up. Not her, me."

"Don't be preposterous, I know exactly what happened in your marriage. Are you going to tell me who Devony is?"

"Your granddaughter," Derek said, and snapped the phone shut. Bizzy didn't call back.

"Mommy was kidnapped?" Devony asked from the backseat, sounding quite panicked.

"Devony, we don't know that. You don't worry, okay?"

"You won't leave me, right daddy? 'Cause Miss Janice said if you didn't want me, I would have to go to other strangers far away."

"That won't happen, Devony, I promise. I promise."

* * *

Addison ~ John F. Kennedy Airport ~ 3 months ago

"Sav, can you put Devony on the phone, please?"

"Alright, Addie, I'll see you tomorrow. Take care," Savvy said.

"Mommy?" Devony's voice came on the phone.

"Hey, baby," Addison, smiling. She was sitting and watching the planes take off, waiting for her flight. "Mommy is getting on the airplane soon. I won't be able to talk to you for a while, and by then you'll be asleep. But I'll call you tomorrow morning, okay?"

"Okay, I guess," Devony grumbled. Addison laughed.

"Be good for Savvy and Weiss, alright? Promise?" she asked.

"Fine," Devony said petulantly.

"Don't worry, I'll be back soon."

"Where are you going, mommy?" Devony asked.

"Well, I have a doctor thing, but then I'm going to see Sam and Naomi and Maya, in Los Angeles. Hey, I have an idea. Maybe sometime next summer we can both visit them. How does that sound?"

"Good!" Addison could picture Devony smiling and jumping up and down.

"And when I get back tomorrow, we can go see the play."

"Cinderella, mommy?"

"Yeah, Cinderella," Addison said softly. Devony loved Cinderella and had been asking her to go for months. She was not personally keen on Cinderella, she suspected because she was the evil estranged ex-wife in a certain someone else's Cinderella story. Except that story was worse. She wished Meredith Grey had left behind a shoe instead of panties in her quest to get her Prince McDreamy.

"So, eat your vegetables, listen to Savvy, and don't cause trouble. I mean it, okay?"

"Mommy, I miss you already."

Addison felt her eyes involuntarily fill with tears. She rarely left Devony, only because she could never find anyone to watch her. Still, she didn't want Devony to ever feel like both of her parents had abandoned her. "I miss you too, Dev. But don't worry; it's just for one night."

"Okay. Bye mommy. I love you."

"I love you too, Dev. More than anything. Tomorrow will come in no time, alright? Bye, honey." Addison sighed and hung up the phone.

* * *

Derek ~ the trailer ~ present

"So, Dev," Derek said as he started unpacking Christmas ornaments, "have you made a Christmas list yet?" He hated to get more stuff out because the trailer was a mess and he never had time to clean it, but he wanted Devony to have a good Christmas.

Devony looked up from her coloring and pushed her dark hair out of her eyes. She was wearing Beauty and the Beast pajamas. "No," she said.

"Well, Santa and the elves have to have enough time to make your presents. Can you think of anything you want?"

"I want mommy to come back," Devony said, biting her lip in the same way Addison always did. "I'll be really good if she does, daddy, really." Her voice was heartbreakingly sad.

"I – Dev, I want your mommy to come back too, believe me. But I don't know if that's going to happen. I have an idea – why don't we go to the store tomorrow after work and you can get some ideas?"

"Shopping?" Devony asked excitedly.

"Right, I almost forgot whose kid you are. Yes, shopping," Derek said unenthusiastically.

* * *

**I hope you liked it! Write me any suggestions or comments you have :D!**

* * *


	12. Chapter 12

**My Never  
Chapter 12**

**Part of this is from Devony's POV. It was weird to write, because it is from the perspective of a three year old, and most people don't remember being three all that clearly. But hey, I tried. And . . . that's all I have to say.**

* * *

Devony ~ Social Services Building ~ 3 ½ months ago

Devony sat alone in a waiting room, swinging her legs off the edge of the too-tall chair. There were people rushing by in the hallway beside her, all seeming to have somewhere to go or something to do.

Savvy had left her here about a half hour ago, after saying she was sorry over and over again. Devony wasn't exactly sure what she was sorry about. Maybe that she had to leave. The woman with the face like a mouse had said so.

Devony wiped her eyes vigorously when her thoughts turned to her mother. She had promised that she would come back, and they would go see Cinderella, but she never came. She had stayed with Aunt Savvy and Uncle Weiss for a long, long time.

The mouse faced woman came back, this time with a man with skin as dark as chocolate. Devony watched them curiously. They said stuff about guardianship and parents and many different places Devony had never heard of. She wanted to ask if they knew where her mom was, but she had learned that adults didn't like being interrupted. Well, some of them didn't mind. But she thought the mouse-faced woman would.

The building where she was sitting was _so _boring. They had lots of dull adult magazines, but no toys and no kids. Devony slid off the chair slowly, glancing back to make sure no one was watching her, and set off to explore her surroundings.

Exploring was not nearly as much fun as she thought it was going to be. She had been hoping they had brought her here because her mommy was here, but apparently not. The halls were all the same, and Devony was soon lost. Everyone's glances slid right past her, and on to their next important job or chore.

"Hey, there she is! Stop! Stop, Devony!" The mouse haired lady and three other people were running towards her. She couldn't help feeling scared. She turned and ran, shoes making tapping noises as she went.

She managed to get into a cupboard without them finding her. Devony sat in the dark for ten minutes . . . then twenty . . . then thirty. Finally, the black man from earlier found her. "I found her!" he called to the others. "Devony, you don't need to run. It's okay."

"You're strangers," Devony told them. It was what her mom had told her to say.

"We're good strangers, Devony."

"Where's my mommy? I want her!" she said loudly, trying to pull away.

"Devony, I'm sorry, but your mom won't be coming back for a while."

"Why not?"

"It's hard to explain. It's going to be okay, though, Devony. I'm Janice."

* * *

Derek ~ Seattle Grace ~ present

"Daddy! Looked what I drawed, daddy!" Devony called excitedly, running out of Richard's office.

"Drew," Derek corrected automatically. "Good girl for using paper this time, Dev. Let's see it."

Devony held out a crayon drawing of four people. One was small and had long, dark hair, and a dress identical to the one Devony was wearing. There were two figures holding hands. After a moment, Derek recognized himself and Addison. Addison's hair in the picture was bright red. Their hands were touching and they both had a few too many fingers. Derek found himself getting choked up. "This is – this is nice, Devony. Wait, who is this?"

"My sister," Devony said, indicating the fourth figure. "She lives in heaven, with the angels." The drawing of Evelyn was floating in the sky, above Addison, Derek and Devony. She had pink angel's wings and a halo.

Derek nodded and smiled, but the drawing of Addison reminded him that he might be mourning her soon too. He'd had Devony for three months, which meant Addison had been taken four months ago. He couldn't be sure she was still alive, although he tried to believe she was. The police had no new leads, and told him to prepare himself.

He had come to terms with the fact that he might be a single dad. He loved taking care of Devony. It filled his days with purpose and meaning, something they hadn't always had before.

"Hey, there, Devony," George said, coming up to them. "Hey, Dr. Shepherd." Derek merely nodded. "Devony, your daddy was just coming to check on you. He has one more surgery. Why don't you go back and color in Richard's office? I'll come with you."

"No, Georgie, I want to do surgery with daddy today." George had long ago given up on stopping her from calling him Georgie.

"Dev, I've already told you, you can't come to surgery with me."

Devony pouted. Derek waited for the explosion. Despite his best efforts, he hadn't gotten her to bed until midnight the night before. George, sensing this and trying to help, reached for Devony's hand. "It'll be fun, Devony, I promise."

Devony bit him.

"Devony!" Derek said instantly. "I'm so sorry, George. Devony, you know that's not okay."

"Rawr. Rawr, daddy. I'm a tiger. You can't tell me what to do, or I'll _eat you_!" Derek only sighed. Her tricks no longer worked on him.

"Well, tiger, you get to go color in Richard's office. Make us all some pictures with those crayons you got for Christmas. And make George a card telling him you're sorry. Right now, young lady."

"Rawr," Devony called, walking back into Richard's office.

* * *

~ Meredith ~

"She bit me!" George's indignant voice echoed all the way down the hallway. "She bit me!"

"Who?" Izzie asked him, finally looking up from her food as he approached. Meredith turned to him for his answer, although she already knew.

"Devony!" George yelled.

"Why'd she bite you?" Izzie laughed.

"It's not funny!" George told her angrily.

"Of course not," Izzie said, rolling her eyes. "But why'd she do it?"

"She didn't want to go color, I guess," George said, shrugging and examining the bite again.

"Vampire-child. That's what I'm calling her!" Cristina said triumphantly. "And by the way, George, you only have to watch Devony a few times a week. But every time Meredith wants to see her boyfriend, she has to see Devony too. So I don't think you should complain."

"Well, she hasn't bitten me yet," Meredith said. "But that's surprising. I don't think she likes me."

"You shouldn't be complaining either. If anyone should be, it's Addison, because somebody freakin' kidnapped her!" Izzie snapped.

"What is your problem?" Meredith asked. "What, is it that time of month or something, Iz?"

Izzie shook her head. "I'm just sick of hearing you complain about McDreamy and his McKid. Devony doesn't like you because you don't like her and you don't make an effort. She likes everyone else, even Alex, who's an ass."

"Hey," Alex protested, his first time speaking since the start of the conversation.

Izzie ignored him. "Seriously, Mer. If you can't deal with the fact that he has a kid, just end it. You guys have had problems for ages."

"I don't want to end it!" Meredith said frustratedly. "Derek is like the first good thing to happen to me, ever. He's a great guy, a white hat. They're rare, for me, okay? We just have problems to work through. And this kid thing. I don't know," she said, exasperated.

"Meredith, just because Derek is a good guy doesn't mean he's the right person for you," Izzie said gently.

"Whatever," Meredith said.

* * *

~ Derek ~

"Still mad at me?" Derek asked as he lifted his daughter onto his shoulders a few hours later.

"About what?" Devony asked curiously.

"Never mind," he laughed as he opened the door and walked out onto the roof of the hospital. The sunset looked like something she would draw; random splashes of bright colors dotted the horizon. Devony stretched her arms toward the heavens, as if she could touch the first star from his shoulders, and Derek inhaled deeply. He closed his eyes as the cool night air flowed through him.

She was _everywhere._ How could one person be so everywhere? Images of Addison bled in through his dreams, and half of the hospital held some inherent reminder of her. It was ironic that thoughts of his ex-wife wouldn't leave him alone now that he knew she might be gone forever.

The inside of his eyelids seemed permanently tattooed with her bright smile. His neck hurt from the number of times he'd jerked his head around at the sight of red hair, hoping it was her. He'd been drinking his coffee leaning on the counter this morning when he remembered her bringing him juju there one time. He'd left abruptly, trying to blink away his tears. Last week he'd been called to the exam room where he had sex with Meredith at prom. Richard had to come ask later why there were surgical tools sticking out of the wall. Derek had said it was because he was an idiot. Just a few minutes ago he'd stood in the spot where he watched Addison socializing with a patient so many years ago because he was ignoring her.

And every single _freaking _time he walked out the front doors, he remembered her words.

"_Hi. I'm Addison Shepherd. And you must be the woman who's been screwing my husband."_

Despite how angry he'd been with her at the time, he had almost laughed. It was so Addison. Her next comment had been, _"Your hair is different."_ And then the Russell Crowe line, and, _"She's young. The whole ooh-he's-a-brain-surgeon thing happening, but still sweet. Which is what you were going for, right? The anti-Addison?" _She had been right. She had been on thin ice, like he'd told her, but she was still right.

Her words echoed in his head every time he passed that spot. He didn't know what he'd had back then, he hadn't known until she was gone. _"I did. I flew all the way across the country to reminisce over wedding photos, get drunk, fall into bed and make you realize you can't live without me." _It was so true. He couldn't live without her. Not _really _live.

_Don't take her. Please, don't take her from us. We need her. Me and her daughter, we need her, _Derek pleaded silently to the heavens. He used to go to church as a kid but now he wasn't even sure what he believed anymore. He was tired of being the subject of everyone's hushed whispers. Doctors, nurses, even the janitors would only talk quietly when he was around. Still, he knew what they said. That he was a mess, that Addison had left him a kid and run off, that she was most likely dead and that they were sorry for the little dark haired child without a mother, that McDreamy was regretting having anything to do with Meredith Grey. Precious few still acted normal around him, even Meredith was cautious when she wasn't angry with him. But Richard gave his full support, Bailey yelled at him like usual, Mark had completely changed his life to help out with Devony and even Burke donated an occasional comment in support of Derek.

He was worried that he'd had his chance. Chances, actually. He got to be married to Addison for eleven years. Then he got another chance to fix their marriage, he'd screwed it up and now he was out. He knew that maybe he didn't deserve yet another chance but he was begging God not to take Addison away from him. She was gorgeous and hilarious and slightly neurotic and smart and kickass and completely adorable. She was Addie. Of course Heaven would want someone like her. _Please don't take her yet._

* * *

**Not the longest ever, I know. A few things just have to happen in the story before Addison is found, but in the next chapter you finally start finding out what exactly happened to her. I would love to hear any of your thoughts :D**

* * *


	13. Chapter 13

**My Never  
Chapter 13**

**Update! Loved all the Addie-Derek-Mark-Sam-Naomi in the crossover last night. If the show was centered on them, it would totally dominate. And as you can see, the flashbacks are getting closer and closer to the present ... Hmm ... I know I have more to say but my Calculus test killed me so very dead. So just read :D It's a fairly long one. **

* * *

Derek ~ Seattle Grace ~ present

Being a dad wasn't like Derek had thought it was going to be. It was better. He smiled as he scooped his daughter up off her tired legs and set her on his shoulders, her new favorite spot.

She giggled. "Whoa, daddy! I'm tall!"

Derek laughed too. "Yep, you are."

"Daddy?" she asked.

"Yeah?"

"I love you." Yes, being her dad was definitely much better than he could have ever expected. "How many more sick people do you have to see?"

"Just a few more, Dev. Then me and Uncle Mark will take you to the park. How does that sound?"

"Good." Devony said, her voice coming from above him. He gripped her legs tightly so she wouldn't fall. "Look, daddy, Pluffie is flying!"

"I didn't know giraffes could fly, Dev."

"Pluffie can," she said simply.

"Alright, squirt, we're here," Derek said, lifting her off his shoulders. She walked over to the single chair in the room and climbed up on it. Derek began talking to his patient. At first Devony sat patiently like usual and played with Pluffie, making him walk all over the chair and up the window. But after a few minutes she walked over.

"Sorry," Derek apologized to his patient quickly. "Walt, this is my daughter, Devony."

That's okay," Walt said. He smiled at the little girl, who grinned back.

"Want to pet Pluffie, Walt?" she asked.

"Devony, Walt has a serious head injury. This isn't really a good time."

"It's alright. I'll pet – Pluffie, wasn't it? I'll pet Pluffie." Devony held the purple and blue giraffe out to Walt. His face was contorted with concentration, but nothing happened.

"Walt? Walt?" Derek asked, concerned.

"I – I can't move."

"Get me another CT. He might be paralyzed," Derek said quickly. He looked at his daughter. She'd just saved a man's life. Neither he nor Walt had realized that Walt couldn't move anything lower than his neck. Devony met his eyes innocently; unaware of what had just happened.

"Thank you, Devony," Derek said seriously. "You just helped save Walt. But now he needs my help. He probably needs a surgery. So I need to take you to the daycare, okay?" he asked, grabbing her hand.

"No, daddy! I don't want to go to daycare!" Devony yelled as they walked down the hall.

"But Dev . . . why not?" Derek asked in surprise. He knelt down so he was at her level in front of the daycare doors.

"Nobody will play with me there," Devony said tearfully.

"What do you mean?" She'd only been to daycare twice, as Derek only did it in emergencies. He really needed somewhere for her to go, but he didn't want her to be uncomfortable there.

"Nobody likes me there," she whined, starting to cry.

Derek hugged her quickly. "I'm sure there will be nice kids today. And it will only be for a few hours at most, and then we can go to the park." Devony nodded, and Derek got her a tissue to wipe her tears.

They entered the daycare together. She stood by his side as he signed her in. After he was done, he tried to leave, but Devony clung to his hand. Her lip trembled and she hid her face in his pants. He attempted to detangle her a few times, but she only clung tighter. That only made him feel guiltier for making her come.

"Hey! Do you want to play?" Derek's head snapped up quickly to see his savior. An adorable black boy stood in front of them. He looked maybe four years old, and had freckles and curly hair.

"Okay," Devony said cautiously, peeking her head around Derek's leg. She walked over to the boy slowly, and he led her over to some toys. But Derek couldn't help thinking that the boy looked extremely familiar.

"Hey, what's your name?" he called after him.

"Tuck," the boy said. Well, no wonder he'd recognized him.

Three and a half hours later, Derek lifted his bright green daughter out of the car. He set her on the grass of the park. She immediately ran off to the playground, getting green handprints everywhere.

"Dude, what the hell?" Mark asked from beside him.

"Bailey is going to kick my ass when she sees Tuck," Derek moaned. "He's bright blue. They painted each other at daycare today."

"Wow," Mark said.

"Yeah, you should have seen the day care lady," Derek said, starting to chuckle.

"Only Addison's daughter could get into trouble like that kid can," Mark said. His words reminded Derek that it had been three and a half months. Three and a half months with Devony, and four and a half months since Addison went missing.

They watched as Devony was quickly bored of the playground and began chasing pigeons. When she was done with that, they all sat down and had sandwiches Mark had packed in a paper bag. After a while Derek became aware of an old woman watching them strangely. He pointed her out to Mark, who was lifting Devony above his head making airplane noises. Mark set Devony down to stare back at the woman. Devony crawled into his lap and finished eating her peanut butter and jelly.

"I'm sorry," a quavery voice said. Derek looked around and saw the old woman. "It's just that you two have such a cute daughter."

Derek and Mark started at each other in horror. "Oh no, we're not -" Derek began.

"We're not together," Mark said in a panicked voice. They exchanged another uncomfortable glance. Great, so now people were assuming they were gay.

"You know what? We're leaving. Devony, time to go," Derek said, cleaning up their picnic.

Back in the car, Derek and Mark shared an uncomfortable silence.

"So now-" Mark started.

"Yep," Derek said.

"And they think-"

"Looks like it."

"Great," Mark said sarcastically.

"Daddy, why isn't mommy coming back yet?" Devony asked suddenly from the backseat.

Derek sighed. "She can't, sweetie."

"Why not? Doesn't she love me?"

"She does. She loves you so much, Devony, I promise. But she can't come back right now."

"Will she ever come back, daddy?"

"Yes," Derek said firmly, but he was no longer sure. The chances of Addison being found alive were dwindling with every day that passed.

"Can Tuck come to the trailer and play?" she asked.

"If his mother lets him," Derek said.

"So what's up with the green, kid?" Mark asked.

"Me and Tuck wanted to be Rainbow People. But nobody else wanted to play. So we tried to paint them anyway, but the mean lady in there got angry. So we painted her instead."

"Devony, you can't paint people who don't want to be painted. And remember what we talked about? We do art on paper, not on our body or on the wall."

"But daddy, that's boring."

"Sorry, that's the way it has to be. If you want to get to play with Tuck more, you need to behave."

Devony frowned but didn't argue.

"What are you guys watching?" Derek asked after getting off the phone with Meredith later. She had wanted him to come over, and got upset when he explained that he had to de-green his daughter. Normally he would have agonized over such a fight, but lately he found he just didn't have the energy to care about Meredith or her problems.

"Enchanted," Mark answered, not taking his eyes off the screen, almost as absorbed in the movie as Devony was.

"Hey daddy, Robert looks like you," Devony said, studying an image on the TV.

Derek walked around to look. "No, he doesn't."

Mark laughed, "Yeah, he actually does, Shep."

"Does not!" Derek argued, embarrassed.

"Does so, daddy!"

"I don't know what you guys are talking about." Mark and Devony rolled their eyes simultaneously.

* * *

~ Mark ~

As he watched Derek's daughter sleep, he found himself wondering what it would be like if it was him. True, his child would be older than Devony, at least four now. But what if that was his kid? Why had Addison kept Devony, but not his child?

He knew the answer. She wanted Derek's kid, not his. They were AddisonandDerek. He knew that.

Derek was sitting beside him, watching Devony's small chest rise and fall. Her dark curls surrounded her head like a halo, and Mark could see part of her Tinkerbell nightgown sticking out from under the covers. He cared for that kid like she was his. Not exactly in the same way Derek did, but she was family.

What if there had been another little girl sleeping beside her? Maybe with his dirty blonde hair instead of Derek's black? What then? He couldn't get the picture out of his head, so he voiced his thoughts. "Why do you think Addison kept your kid but got rid of mine?"

Less than a second later, Mark realized the true impact of his words. "What did you say?" Derek asked softly, startled. "Addison was never – what are you – Addison was pregnant with _your _child?"

Mark had not meant for Derek to find out like that, but he figured honesty was the best policy. "Uh Derek . . . I know you didn't know about this, but . . . after you left, Addison stayed with me in New York. You were never there even before she cheated, and we spent a lot of time together, and I fell in love with her. She didn't really know what she was doing, because she was so distraught, but she needed someone, you know? And even though I cared about her, I couldn't keep it together, even for her. She got pregnant, I cheated, she got an abortion and flew after you. End of story."

His best friend was sitting there, looking stunned. He seemed to be grappling with several emotions before he shrugged. "It doesn't matter," he said quietly. Mark raised his eyebrows in surprise, used to his friend blaming everything on Addison. Maybe he really had changed. "She forgave me, even after all I did, and so I'm forgiving her. That's it."

Mark nodded slowly. "I just – I know you always wanted kids, and I'm happy for you, I really am . . . but sometimes, I wish I'd gotten the chance to be a father too. I know I'm a screw-up, but . . . maybe I could have done it."

Derek's face softened. "It wasn't you," he told Mark quietly. "It wasn't because it was your kid. She was scared; scared because I left her and scared that it was _your _child she was pregnant with after Evelyn. I know her. When she first got here, she'd watch the babies in the NICU all the time, even more than she used to. I couldn't figure it out, and I always knew I was missing something, a part of the puzzle, although I didn't really care at the time. But now I know what it was. She was regretting terminating the pregnancy, Mark. No matter whose baby it was, she wanted it. That's why she kept my kid and not yours. Honestly, that's all it was. I screwed up worse than you."

Mark nodded, and they both sat in the soft twilight for a while. "You wouldn't have been a bad father, Mark," Derek said firmly a few minutes later. "Like I said, I did worse things than you, but I still got the opportunity to be Devony's father, and it's one of the best things that ever happened to me."

Mark sighed in acceptance of Derek's statement. Maybe there was hope for him yet. Addison was never truly his, but maybe there would be someone else, another chance.

* * *

Addison ~ LAX airport ~ 4 ½ months ago

The thick LA air made her feel like she was suffocating. Addison walked quickly out into the humid night. Something about the parking lot was giving her the chills, although the warmth of the night was like a blanket around her and streetlights lit up the dark every few feet.

Initially, she'd been pretty pissed about the stupid rental car service being so slow, but now exhaustion was clouding the annoyance. She thought she should call Savvy, maybe tell her that her flight had gotten in okay and remind her to tell Devony she loved her. The phone was in her hand at once, the screen flashing in the ink black night with all of Devony's favorite games, but she didn't make the call. First she had to find her rental car in the maze of the airport parking lot and make it to the hotel with a big white bed. Then she'd call. Devony would already be asleep anyway, and Savvy too, probably.

Strange the things you think of before disaster strikes.

Addison smiled as she thought of Sam, Naomi and Maya. It had been over a year since she'd seen them. But thinking of her two best friends made her think of them and Derek and Mark in an apartment in New York, drinking and laughing and acting as immature as the interns they were. She missed those days. She missed thinking she'd be with Derek forever, she missed Evelyn and the unbroken future she'd seen in her baby's angelic face, she missed believing in love and goodness and fate. Mostly she just missed him, though. Just Derek.

Four years ago, she swore she'd stop thinking about him. _Fat lot of good that did_, she thought. Addison sighed; the truth was that while Derek was never far from her mind, she was farthest from his heart. No amount of wishing or hoping was going to change that.

Something else did.

When Addison later looked back at the event that changed her life forever with pain and horror and abuse and torture, she still couldn't regret walking under that one particular lamppost. If she'd known, she would still have done it again, sick and masochistic as it was. Because although wishing and hoping for Derek couldn't have brought him back to her, one cataclysmic event brought her to him.

But Addison never saw the men leaning against the dark van, just waiting for such an opportune moment. She never heard the soft, appreciate whistle of one of them as they beheld her three inch heels, glimmering red hair, and perfect features. She never knew about the look that passed between them, or the nods, or the silent scrambling in the dark to get into place. She walked right into their trap.

"Hey there, sugar," a man's voice came from behind her. Addison had no way of knowing he was just the bait. She threw him a scathing look and continued on her way, right into the four men waiting behind her. An engine revved and a van swerved around behind them.

Her desperate scream only lived for a fraction of a second before a hand was clamped over her mouth. In the same second, another latched onto her hair while vice-like grips imprisoned her arms. She struggled, trying desperately to pull away, but they spirited her out of the light and edged closer to the waiting van. It was five against one but Addison still managed to catch one of them in the groin and another in the stomach with the toe of her pointed heel. An angry fist connected with the side of her face and she hit concrete, her grip on her phone lost. There was barely time to think as yet another blow shoved her head back into the ground as she tried to lift it.

The world was spinning with stars and dizziness and mocking laughter. Each blink of her eyes made her head feel like it was about to split in two. Still she tried to rise, thinking about Derek and Devony and Savvy and Naomi and Mark and how she had to get back to them, how she could get back to them if she could just stand up.

Addison barely had time to register that the scratchy cloth pressed to her face smelled terrible before the world began to fade away, stretching away from her. She was pulled into the distance as another reality tugged on her with greedy fingers. There was only time for one more thought. She wanted to make it good, in case it was her last.

Derek's face swam before her eyes, looking exasperated but endearing. _What are you doing now, Addison?_ he seemed to be asking. _I don't know. I'm sorry, _she tried to say, but he just shook his head before he too was gone. And as she lay bleeding, the world going black, she had to wonder: Would he care now?

* * *

**I know, I know, probably not the full explanation you were hoping for. But I _can _promise you that Addison's story continues in the next chapter. Also, I just wanted to mention a thing with the time and flashbacks. Although her kidnapping was 4 ½ months ago _now, _after Derek's had Devony for a few months, it was only a month before Devony was brought to Seattle. Just thought I'd point that out so nobody got confused. Anyway, things really pick up in the next one, that's all I can say. My heartfelt thanks goes out to my reviewers - you all rock! **

* * *


	14. Chapter 14

**My Never  
Chapter 14**

**This is definitely a long one. Probably the longest yet. Oh well, a lot has to happen. A lot is going to be happening in the next few chapters ...  
I also warn you that Addison's flashback in this chapter is rather dark. Yes, you finally get to know what happened to her. It isn't pretty, however, so here's your warning because I didn't want to bump the rating. Definitely some discussion of mature subject matter.**

* * *

Derek ~ the trailer ~ present

"Mer?" Derek asked, walking in the trailer with his daughter. She was still slightly green from the day before. He'd seen Meredith's car outside.

"Hey," she called from the bedroom. "I didn't know where you were, which, I guess, is what I should expect these days."

Derek sighed. "I took Devony to the movies. I shouldn't have to check with you to be able to do that."

She ignored that comment. "A woman called today, while I was waiting here for you. She asked about Devony. Said her name was Bizzy? Bizzy Montgomery? Addison's mother, I assume. Yeah, well, I talked to her and she guessed who I was. Gave me a lecture about sleeping with other people's husbands."

"You talked to Bizzy?" Derek asked, horrified.

"Yeah, she's a freaking ray of sunshine, isn't she? She would've gotten along with my mother, and we all know what a joy she was. Anyway, she asked how you were balancing your job and your kid, and I told her how you were trying to watch her at the hospital while still doing surgeries. She's said she's coming out here."

"Why the hell would you say those things, Meredith!? You have no idea what you've done. Bizzy could try to get custody. Do you know how horrible Addison's childhood was? Do you even care? Because I don't think you do. You could get my daughter taken away from me!" Derek yelled.

"I was just trying to help!" Meredith screamed back.

Devony started to cry, her wide eyes flashing back and forth between Derek and Meredith. Derek knelt down beside her. "Devony, I need you to go into the bedroom, okay? Go play with your toys. I bought you a new Littlest Pet Shop toy. It's a seahorse, and I was going to save it for a surprise, but why don't you go get it now? I hid it in the dresser." She nodded tearfully and wrapped her arms around his neck. He gave her a quick hug and she walked slowly into his room.

Derek stood up. "Maybe you were trying to help, Meredith, but that wasn't all you were doing. You're not ready for a kid, so you thought that maybe Addison's mother would come here and take Devony, and then we could ride off into whatever stupid sunset you were imagining! I explained to you that I was taking care of Devony, and I explained why. You had no right to do what you did," he said, his voice quiet with suppressed rage.

"Did you ever think that that could be what's best for Devony?" Meredith asked.

"_I'M _WHAT'S BEST FOR DEVONY!" Derek yelled. "Not Addison's mother, who didn't give a shit about either of her kids, or Addison's father, who hit her as a kid."

Meredith took a step back, wordless apologies in her eyes. "I didn't – I didn't know," she whispered. "I didn't know that about Addison. And she has a sibling?"

"Yeah, her brother Archer ended up in the hospital one time from trying to protect her from that bastard. Bizzy didn't even have the decency to divorce him to save them."

He looked at Meredith, really looked at her, for the first time in years. "I don't know you," he realized. "I know you had a bad childhood too, and that you have commitment issues. I get that. I get that far too much because I was the one who helped Addison overcome that. But, Meredith ... this hasn't been working for a long time now. We've both been ignoring that fact, but it's time to stop now. I wanted to fix you. I wanted us to be right, but we're not."

"No, Derek! You can't break up with me now! We're not breaking up! Everybody has problems. We can get through this!" Meredith yelled desperately.

"No, we can't. Not when my daughter is afraid of you. You never even talk to her. Izzie, Alex, and George, your friends, they all help watch her at the hospital. Even Cristina did once. But you're always too busy. What if she was our kid, Meredith? Would you have time then? What if it had been you pregnant instead of Addison? Would you have kept the baby?"

Meredith didn't answer. Derek watched silently as she broke down. He felt bad, he truly did, but that was part of the problem. People in a relationship had to be equal. One couldn't always be repairing the other, and one couldn't always be chasing. So, he had to ask himself why he was still with Meredith. The truth? He hadn't wanted to hurt her again. But when he thought about it, he realized that Meredith was the one breaking up with _him _over the years, while he continued to follow her. It wasn't fair, and it wasn't right, but Derek had been doing it for the simple reason that he did not know what else to do. He had done it to keep himself from chasing after Addison and disturbing her new world.

He remembered, nearly four years ago now, buying a plane ticket to New York, after he and Meredith had broken up the first time. He remembered going all the way to the airport, all the way to the gate, and standing by the window, watching the planes.

He almost boarded that plane. He should have. But he didn't. Addison had pretty much said she never wanted to see him again, and Derek had tried to respect that. He wished he hadn't.

If he had boarded that plane, and gone to New York like he was picturing, what would he have found? His nine month pregnant ex-wife, her belly huge and round with his child. And she would have hated him at first and slammed the door in his face but he wouldn't have given up. And eventually she would have forgiven him because they were DerekandAddison, no matter how many nights he had to sleep on her doorstep. He could have a family. Maybe they'd even have more kids. Maybe they'd visit Evelyn together. Maybe she wouldn't be missing. If only.

Meredith had allowed him to escape from the haunting regrets of his past, which were, unfortunately, many. She took away the rage-inducing image of his best friend and his wife naked on his bed. She helped him forget the look on Addison's face as he left. She allowed him to forget the vows he took to love Addison forever, and the way he'd ignored her in New York and mistreated her in Seattle. She gave him relief when he looked at his daughter and cursed himself for not being there for her. But she was like a blanket over his large problems, a blanket that eventually had to be pulled away so he could face the world for what it was and deal with it as best he could. That blanket was a comfort from harsher realities, but only a temporary one.

But now. Oh, but now, that didn't matter. She needed him. Addison needed him, and Devony needed him. There was never any contest. He picked her the first time, and he was picking her again. Whatever it took, he was going to do it. She wasn't going to trust him, or want him back, so it was going to be a long, hard road. Derek didn't mind.

Addison saved him. She was his light at the end of a dark tunnel, a little spot of heaven amidst hell. He needed to break up with Meredith.

"Meredith," said Derek softly. Even after all they'd both said and done, he didn't want to hurt her. "I'm not saying this to hurt you." _I've used that one before,_ he mused. _When I was telling Addison I still loved Meredith. And now I'm telling Meredith I still love Addison. How ironic. _"I really, really don't want to hurt you. But this relationship has been nothing more than a hope and a scam for a long time now."

Meredith looked like she was about to punch him, and he smiled sadly, remembering his comment about her tiny ineffectual fists. "No. You are not giving up now. I won't let you! You need time, I get it. I'll give you time. We can take a break. Just a break," she said quickly, walking towards the door. "That's all this is."

"I'm sorry, Mer," Derek called as she ran out to her car. "But it's over. You don't want this. You think you do, right now, but you don't." She pretended she didn't hear him, but Derek knew that she had. "It's over," he whispered to himself, and a huge weight was lifted from his shoulders. He felt freer than he had in years. Now he could focus on the one thing truly important to him: Finding his ex-wife and the love of his life.

* * *

Addison ~ unknown location ~ present

It could have been hours, days, months, years, or decades. When she was actually conscious, she was still never able to tell how much time had passed.

The world was black. Occasionally there were pricks of light; when someone opened a door, thoughts of Derek, a few minutes where she couldn't feel the pain, the few seconds of sun when they switched buildings. Figurative and literal light blurred together, and light was like diamonds in a pig trough in the most godforsaken country.

Sometimes she wondered if she'd died and gone to hell. The filthy, dark warehouse where she was kept was too hot, too cold, and stank to high heaven of sweat, vomit, urine, and every other unpleasant human smell her muddled brain could think of. When she actually managed to hold onto consciousness when she found it, she heard the screams of the women they tortured without a care in the world. The pain was enough to damn herself to hell. What on earth could cause pain like that?

She wasn't exactly sure what she had done to get to hell. Besides, there was no pit of flames, and no devil, although plenty of his accomplices. Maybe it had been cheating on Derek. Or aborting Mark's baby. Those were her worst crimes in her mind. Did they really make her a bad person in God's eyes? She was sorry, so sorry for them. She was a doctor. She helped people. She loved her daughter, her friends, and her ex-husband.

No, she didn't actually think it was hell, although it felt like it sometimes. That was when she actually had feeling. Whatever drugs they pumped into her usually sent her spinning into dreams that were so freakish she woke up screaming. Meth, cocaine, marijuana, ecstasy, the date rape drug, they had plenty of all of it, as they were drug dealers. The warehouse served as their stash for more than just kidnapped women. She thought that maybe if the drugs didn't make the world so confusing, she would be able to figure out what was happening. But she was often kept unconscious, and when she woke it was in seemingly permanently bewildered state or else covered in sweat and completely panicked.

Her last clear memory was of LAX airport. After that, she had a few recollections of the van she'd traveled in for days and the six men who'd accompanied her. She remembered them breaking her leg in a sharp flash of pain. She remembered them plunging the knife in her shoulder for fun. She remembered hands creeping up her ripped top and reveling in her shivers. She remembered trying to escape on her broken leg at a gas station and not waking up until days later. The rest was just a painful blur, except for one incident.

When Addison was able to open her eyes, she always saw the lumps of the bodies of women surrounding her, proof that she wasn't alone. They screamed in the night when they were raped, and variations of, "Shut up, bitch!" always echoed throughout the warehouse. They did it to her too, although she rarely remembered it. The first time, she waited for nights in terror of her turn, but she'd been unconscious, she supposed, when they started. When the cover of her dreams slipped away, she remembered the cold metal of a gun being pressed to her head in addition to one of them pounding their hips into hers, as brutally as possible. Then she'd faded out again. That was the first time. Many more followed, but she was always stuck between the worlds of dreams and reality when they targeted her.

Several times, she knew she'd been close to death. Sometimes, she even wished for it to end, when she could wish at all. Only thoughts of Derek and Devony kept her sane.

Sometimes she imagined him. He was always beside her, stroking her hair gently, whispering soothing phrases, telling her it was going to be all right. He smiled his bright smile, favoring her with the McDreamy look, and she could never help smiling back, despite her bloodied and bruise covered face. She tried to touch his crisp blue shirt, or his perfectly styled waves before remembering her hands were tied. And that he was with Meredith.

The only time she'd cried throughout the whole ordeal was when apparition Derek had been yelling at her, telling her she was a filthy whore and she deserved it. That had hurt worse than anything they had done to her, and luckily it had only happened once.

Evelyn, her beautiful dark haired angel, came with Derek sometimes. She was always suffused in light. "It's okay, mommy," she'd whisper, kneeling beside her half-dead mother. Each time she came Addison thought Evelyn was going to take her with her, but she'd always say, "Hold on a little longer, mom. For dad. Just a little longer. You can do it." Occasionally she saw Devony too. Once the Dream-Devony had left Pluffie with her. Mark came a few times. One time a translucent white child stood behind him, watching her, his eyes big and pitiful, as if asking why she hadn't wanted him. She also saw a man she'd never met, a man who'd died long before she'd gotten the chance to meet him. Still, he looked exactly like Derek. "Hold on for my son," he told her. "He'll be devastated if you die. Please, don't hurt him." She tried her best to listen to them all, even when the blackness threatened to overwhelm her.

All she could do was hope Derek had Devony. That he had agreed to take her despite not even knowing she existed. That he would make her laugh, and wipe her tears when she cried, and run with her in the tall green grass outside the trailer. It would be the perfect place to catch fireflies. And when her daughter realized something was wrong, that her mother might not be able to come back to get her, she hoped it was Derek stroking her long back tresses, almost exactly the same shade as his. Devony would understand far more than she should at age three, Addison knew that. And if she didn't make it she hoped that at least Devony would know that she loved her. If this was the last segment of her life, she was going to spend it picturing the two people she loved most. Hopefully he'd take her to Disneyland. She'd been dying to go, but Addison was worried she'd be too short for all the rides and she'd throw a fit or bite the workers or something. Hopefully he'd show her the pictures of their wedding before he walked her down the aisle someday. Hopefully he'd tell his redheaded grandkids that their crimson locks were from their grandmother.

So she endured. Memories, some invented, of Derek and Devony allowed her to endure. She endured the lack of food, the scant supply of water, occasional molest, and the torture of being unable to help the severely hurt women around her.

The days were all so the same that she never expected change. But today, or perhaps tonight, was different. The men were in a panic, and they were packing their captives and drugs into the vans and leaving. There was a mix of languages, English, Spanish, and a few others. Addison knew enough Spanish to determine they were heading into Central America and to South America to avoid detection by the American police. Mashed between several bodies, she felt the last of her hope leak out of her as they headed farther and farther away from rescue.

* * *

Derek ~ Seattle Grace ~ present

Derek hands were shaking uncontrollably under the conference table at the hospital. Devony's head rested against his chest. He could see a little bit of blue through the slits of her barely open eyes. It was just past three in the morning. He knew she was exhausted, they'd been at the hospital all day, but just when they'd been about to leave, Richard had said the police had new information. He knew Mark, Miranda, and Richard were receiving the same information he was about to hear in another room. From the looks on their faces, it wasn't good.

"Dr. Shepherd, I think you'll be happy to hear there have been some advances in Addison Montgomery's case. We think her disappearance is linked to several other disappearances, all women, across the country. We also have a suspect who has been arrested for similar crimes but never convicted," one of the policemen told him.

"Maybe it's best that the child doesn't hear this," another policeman interrupted.

"I agree. Dr. Shepherd, is there anywhere your daughter can go?"

"I can take her," a voice said from the doorway. Derek turned to see Miranda Bailey and her son. She had a pitying look in her eyes.

"Tuck!" Devony said excitedly, turning to see her friend.

"Dev, do you want to go to Tuck's house? Daddy has to talk to the police," Derek told her. She nodded, and he handed her backpack to Miranda. He watched her walk out, and then turned slowly back to face the police, his entire body shaking now.

"We have no proof that Addison is still alive, but we also don't know that she's dead. Although we're closer, she's been missing for four and a half months, so don't get your hopes up, Dr. Shepherd."

Derek nodded, feeling as if he were in a dream. This wasn't happening, was it? He was dreaming. Addison was fine, right? He'd wake up and find out the last four and a half years had been a dream. Addison would be walking down the hall. He'd hear her from a mile away because of her ridiculous heels. He would do better. He would apologize. _Just please, please, please let this be a dream . . . _

He should be so lucky.

Of course it wasn't a dream.

"We guess that the suspect is working with many others, and that they're running some sort of black market drug business, but he's the only one we've been able to identify. He has been linked to gang activity, drug manufacture and sale in the past, as well as human trafficking."

"What's that?" Derek asked in a small voice before he could stop himself. He was sure whatever the answer was, it was bad.

"I'm so sorry, Dr. Shepherd. I'm sure Addison didn't deserve this."

"What is it?" Derek asked again.

"We don't even know if Addison is with her original kidnappers anymore . . ."

"WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?" Derek yelled, getting angry.

"Human trafficking, specifically sex trafficking . . . well, they kidnap women and . . . sell them as sex slaves or force them into prostitution."

"No," Derek whispered. "No, no, no, no, no, no. That didn't happen to Addison. It didn't. It didn't. It didn't." It was all he could do to deny it. To even accept the fact that it might be true . . . was beyond him.

"We don't know for sure if that's what happened, but if it is, then we don't know if Addison's been sold yet or exactly what's happened to her. However, we're following a new lead down to Mexico. That's what we came to tell you."

"But . . . I thought they usually targeted young victims for that sort of thing," Derek protested. He felt sick. This was all his fault. He should have been there to protect her.

"They usually do. But Derek, think about it. They didn't know how old Addison was; it was dark when they took her. And no offense, but I've seen pictures. Your ex-wife is extremely attractive. They make the most money off the pretty ones."

"Shut up!" Derek snapped. "Shut up, shut up, shut up! This isn't happening. You're lying! You should have . . . you could have found her sooner. If she's dead, I swear to god I'll . . ." He paused. Unable sit still, much less in the room with people who had told him he might never see Addison again, not to mention that she was in grave danger in addition to possibly being raped and used, he ran out to the front of the hospital, where he lost his dinner next to the wall. He felt a hand on his shoulder and jerked around to find Richard.

Addison was like Richard's daughter, Derek knew that. The man looked haunted. Derek thought about how he would feel if something even _remotely _similar happened to Devony, and once again lost the battle with his stomach.

"It isn't fair," he whispered to Richard. "This isn't happening." The two men stood and watched the sun rise as the hours blurred together. The cold morning air had numbed him inside and out. But there was something about the sun peeking over the distant buildings . . . he thought that Addison might never get to see it again. Never. Never was too long a time.

He sank to his knees, his body shaking with pent up emotion as sobs wracked his frame. He wasn't sure how long he cried. Eventually he was aware of Mark and Richard hauling him up and ducking under his arms to drag him into the hospital. They both looked like they felt almost as bad as he did, but he couldn't think about that. News traveled fast. The horrified faces of Meredith, Izzie, George and numerous other doctors flashed past him as he was pulled through Seattle Grace, no longer able to function on his own. He could see that the entire hospital knew the possible plight of his ex-wife. They left him to curl up in a hospital bed in an empty room. Eventually Devony joined him. She snuggled up to his side, and he held her while she slept, trying to cry quietly so she wouldn't wake up.

* * *

**Yes, rather dark, I know. And not so pleasant. But the only way that Addison wouldn't return to Devony was if she absolutely couldn't. Anyway the police are getting closer . . . (hint hint)  
I hope nobody was confused by Addison's flashbacks. The one in the last chapter (13) was just her getting kidnapped several months ago. The one in this chapter was what was happening right now. If you want to know more about sex trafficking you can look it up on the internet, but once again I warn you of what you might find. I didn't want to go into too much detail since this is, after all, rated T, but it is a terrible thing that really does happen.  
And so I leave you until next time, with those lovely, happy (_not) _thoughts swirling around your brains ... I apologize :)**


	15. Chapter 15

**My Never  
Chapter 15**

**Gosh I know it has been forever … I'm super-sorry. I hope the Spanish below isn't too confusing. It was a middle-of-the-night idea to set the scene or something, I don't even know anymore. Also I suck at Spanish. Anyway, just read the translations.  
And we have a reappearance of an old character in addition to getting to meet a new one. Now read already :D (If you haven't already decided to skip this, lol)**

* * *

Mexico ~ present

Under the insistent, flaming Mexican sun five children ran to find relief in their favorite river. The sandy, orange ground flew away beneath their feet and sweat dripped from their brows. Their parents were all taking siestas, and they finally had a break from their various chores to go rafting.

"¡Date prisa, Paco, o nosotros no llegaremos al río hasta mañana!"  
"_Hurry up, Paco, or we won't get to the river until tomorrow!" Ricardo yelled back at his little brother._

"¡Trato de correr rápidamente, Ricardo, pero usted y Lola y Fabian y Sebastian todo tiene piernas más largas!"  
"_I'm trying to run fast, Ricardo! But you and Lola and Fabian and Sebastian all have longer legs!"_

"¡Somos casi allí, Paco, yo puedo ver el río!"  
"_We're almost there, Paco. I can see the river."_

¡Por último! ¡Estoy tan caliente que my ojos cocinando! ¡Tú es muy lento, Paco!"  
"_Finally! I'm so hot that my eyeballs are frying! You are so slow, Paco!"_

"¡Mira, Ricardo, Sebastian, y Fabian! ¿Qué es eso?  
"_Look, Ricardo, Sebastian, and Fabian! What is that?"_

"Es una mujer."  
"_It's a woman."_

"¡Mira, Ricardo! ¡Su cabello es rojo, como chiles!"  
"_Look, Ricardo! Her hair is red, like chili peppers!"_

"Cállate, Paco."  
"_Shut up, Paco."_

"¿Está ella muerta?"  
"_Is she dead?"_

All five children knelt around the woman's broken, still body. Ricardo, the oldest, gingerly picked up her wrist and felt for a pulse. The other children waited anxiously. Paco carefully touched her tangled red hair, as if to be sure she was real.

"No sé."  
"_I don't know."_

"Necesitamos ayuda. Ricardo, toma Paco y va encuentra alguien. Permaneceremos aquí con ella."  
"_We need to get help. Ricardo, take Paco and get someone. We'll stay with her."_

Ricardo heaved his younger brother onto his back and took off running into the desert, his earlier complaints all but forgotten.

"Vamos, hermanito. Ahora debemos ir realmente rápidamente."  
"_Come on, little brother. Now we really must go fast."_

Thousands of miles away, in a city with more rain than sun, more depended on the speed of Ricardo's footsteps than he and his brother would ever know.

* * *

Derek ~ a dance studio

Derek sat in the waiting room of the dance studio, trying to look like he was absorbed in a magazine. He avoided the stares of the desperate single mothers. He had talked Devony in to taking dancing once a week by telling her that all princesses knew how to dance. The class wasn't exactly ballroom or ballet, more like hip-hop, but it was the best he could find. _Addison would have found something better,_ he thought, but then quickly jerked his thoughts away from his ex-wife. He needed to learn to do this himself now, in case she never came back. It had been two weeks since he'd received the news and broken down. Each day he pulled himself together a little more.

Suddenly he heard a commotion and his head snapped up quickly. What could Devony possibly have done in dance class?

"Dr. Shepherd?" the receptionist asked a minute later. The single mothers stared at him even more intensely when she said the word 'doctor.' _Great, _he thought.

"Yes?" he asked the receptionist, but Devony answered his question a second later.

"I HATE Hannah Montana!" she yelled at the top of her lungs, stomping down the hall from the dance room.

Derek hurried over to her. "Dev? Are you okay? What happened?"

"I hate this dance class, daddy. We have to dance to Hannah Montana songs, and I hate her."

"Oh. I thought you bit someone again. What's the matter with Hannah Montana? Lots of girls your age like her."

"Well, I hate her. Mommy said to Savvy that she was an obnoxious slut," Devony said haughtily.

"You don't even know what that means," Derek laughed. Devony stuck her tongue at him. "What exactly happened, Dev?"

"I'll tell you what happened!" The frizzy haired dance teacher stomped out with her finger pointed at Derek. "Everything was fine, all the girls were all ready to dance, but the minute I turned the music on your daughter started screaming. I paused it and asked her what was wrong, but all she said was that she hated Hannah Montana, and all the other girls started crying!"

Derek sighed. The sight of the crazy, angry dance teacher was pretty funny, but he knew it would be inappropriate to burst out laughing. Instead, he said, "She's been having a hard time. Some stuff happened with her mother, and then she had to move out here and . . ."

"I don't care," the teacher snapped. "I don't ever want you guys coming back to my class again."

"Fine," Derek said, taking Devony's hand. "Dev, we're going. And for the record," he said, glaring at the teacher, "I hate Hannah Montana too."

The drive back to the trailer in the rain was silent. Devony played with her toys on the seat beside her, and Derek tried not to think. There was too much he didn't want to think about. "Please don't be dead, Addie," he whispered softly to the heavens.

"Daddy!" Devony shrieked.

"What!?" Derek asked, slamming his foot down on the brakes.

"A deer, daddy! A deer is out there!" Derek followed her gaze out through the pouring rain. Before he could do anything more than make out the faint outline of an animal in the rain, Devony had unbuckled her seatbelt and was opening the car door. Derek quickly got out too and grabbed his daughter's hand as she hurried over to the deer.

"Is it dead, daddy?" she asked, bending over it. He caught the slight movement of the deer's chest.

"No, baby, it's hurt."

"Do we take it to the vet?" Devony wanted to know.

"No, we'll just call someone."

"But, daddy . . ." she whined. "What if it gets more hurt?"

Derek sighed. "Fine. Okay. I'll put it in the back. Alright?" She nodded. He wouldn't have normally given in to deer rescuing, but he thought Devony needed some hope, something to hang on to, in case he had to tell her that her mother was joining her sister. Luckily, he knew a vet.

"Dr. Shepherd! How are you doing? I haven't seen you since . . ."

"Doc," Derek finished for Finn Dandridge.

"Actually, I was thinking when _she_ picked you, but that works too," Finn said. Derek could tell he was attempting to make his voice sound light. "So what are you doing here?" he asked.

"Well, my daughter forced me to rescue a deer. I was just going to call someone, but she wanted to make sure it was okay and everything . . ." Finn raised his eyebrows but followed him out to the truck. Devony was whispering to the deer, which appeared to be sleeping. Or maybe stunned. He wasn't an animal expert, after all.

"Oh. Um . . ." Finn seemed at a loss for words when he saw Devony. "Is that . . .?"

Derek knew what he was asking, although Finn was unable to finish his sentence. He was asking if Derek had the audacity to bring Meredith's daughter with him. "No, this isn't her child," he said, and Finn understood what he meant. "Devony, this is Dr. Dandridge. He's a vet. Finn, my daughter Devony."

Finn was studying Devony. "She's your ex-wife's child, isn't she?" he asked a minute later. Derek nodded. "I always liked her. Where is she?" Derek closed his eyes in sudden pain. Finn got the hint and didn't push farther.

"Bad men took her," Devony informed Finn. "They took her far, far away and she isn't coming back."

"What are you talking about, she isn't coming back?" Derek demanded; his attention fully focused on his daughter. Where would she get the idea Addison wasn't coming back? He'd never said that, had he? "Devony, I know your mommy has been gone for a long time. But she'll come back. Don't worry." As the words poured from his lips automatically in an instinctive attempt to sooth his daughter, Derek hoped he wasn't making a promise he couldn't keep.

"I'm so sorry," Finn said. Derek could only nod. Together he and Finn lifted the deer out of the back. "I truly hope that Addison is okay, and that whoever you're with, that you're happy," Finn said as he shook Derek's hand before starting to work on the deer.

"Thanks, um, Finn. And for the record, I'm not with Meredith anymore. I'm not with Addison either. Fate is finally making me repent," he said with a bitter laugh.

"Well, your daughter is beautiful," Finn said with a smile.

The trailer ~ morning

Derek rolled over as the sound of someone pounding on the trailer door roused him from his dreams. Devony was sleeping fitfully beside him in Minnie Mouse pajamas, her tiny arm thrown across his chest. He smiled and took a minute to smooth her hair back. But the knocking didn't stop, so he rolled out of bed and stumbled to the door, wearing only a pair of pajama pants.

"Hello, Derek," the elegant ice queen in front of him said.

_Shit. _"Hello, Bizzy."

* * *

Derek ~ Forbes Montgomery house ~ 15 years ago

"I don't know if I can do this, Derek. I haven't been back here since I left for college." Derek's fiancée bit her lip in the same way she always did when she was nervous.

"You _can _do it, Addie. I promise. Don't you want your parents to hear about your engagement from you?" She merely shrugged. "Addison, listen to me. If he even _touches _you, I swear to god I'll kill him, do you understand me?"

"You won't be able to stop him," she whispered.

"Yes, I will. I will, Addison, I promise. Besides, you said stuff like that only happened when he was really drunk. If he gets drunk enough to be dangerous, we'll leave."

"Okay," she said quietly.

Derek took her hand and kissed her softly. "I love you, Addie. I know this is hard, but I'll be right here, okay? We'll deal with this together." He reached out his hand and rang the doorbell, still clutching Addison's hand tightly. He was nervous for her but this was something they had to do.

The door opened to reveal Bizzy Montgomery. "Addison? What the hell are you doing here?" she asked coldly.

* * *

Bizzy ~ Starbucks ~ present

Bizzy studied her daughter's child closely as the girl licked the whip cream off the top of her hot chocolate, getting it all over her nose and generally just making a mess. Truth be told, she'd never had much patience for children. She had two herself, but she'd had Archer to carry on the Forbes Montgomery line and Addison had been a mistake.

"Do you know who I am?" she asked her granddaughter after a minute. Devony shrugged without looking up. The only sound besides the soft music of Starbucks (she _hated _chain franchises, but it was the closest place to Derek's trailer in the middle of nowhere) was Devony's feet tapping against the too-tall chair. "I'm your grandmother," Bizzy informed her.

Derek Shepherd's eyes met hers as the child looked up. "You're not my grandma! Grandma lives far, far away, in New York!" Devony said loudly. Bizzy resisted a shudder at her volume. Clearly, her ex son-in-law was a softy and let Devony get away with whatever she wanted, like screaming in public.

She didn't want to take the child, but Devony was technically family and a Forbes Montgomery. Bizzy didn't exactly fancy the idea of her cheating ex son-in-law raising the girl. Unfortunately, if she tried to get custody, she could get her husband put in jail if Derek brought up that Archer and Addison had been abused. There was no proof, and for a long time Bizzy hadn't believed it herself. She thought Addison just wanted attention, especially since she was taken care of by the nanny, so Bizzy didn't have to see her too often. She'd ignored the bruises, hoping that if she ignored the situation they'd go away. But then Archer had ended up in the hospital. She couldn't ignore what her husband was doing any longer, but what was she supposed to do? Abandon their house and their nanny and their childcare? She would have had to leave the city, find a new job, and think of something to do with Addison and Archer. It was too much, back then, so she stayed, and told the nanny to call her if her husband ever got like that again.

Maybe she should have left. The abuse had lessened after her husband saw his son in the hospital, but Bizzy knew that Addison had had to deal with it at least a few more times. She also knew Addison considered her a bad mother and hated Bizzy's interference. But how could Addison not have told her she had a grandchild?

Bizzy knew it was unfair for her to get annoyed at every single little mistake her daughter made, but she had wanted Addison to be better than cheating on her husband, running after him after staying with a manwhore, getting cheated on herself, getting pregnant and having a kid, and then disappearing. Maybe it was unreasonable. But she couldn't help it.

All that was left of her grandchild was a spilled cup of hot chocolate. Bizzy looked around Starbucks quickly. Devony had abandoned the hot chocolate and opened a bag of cookies for sale. "You can't eat those! You have to buy them first!" Bizzy said angrily, hurrying over and grabbing them. Devony started to cry, not, Bizzy suspected, because she'd yelled, but because she'd taken the cookies away.

"I want cookies! I _want _them! My better grandma always makes cookies. And I asked you for some but you didn't even say anything!" Devony shrieked. Just then Derek walked in the door. He had presumably been spying from outside.

"Nice job, Bizzy," he said sarcastically, going to pay for the cookies. "Just great. Now, you had your time with her, please leave."

Bizzy stared after father and daughter. Derek was hugging the little girl tightly. She couldn't take care of Devony like that, and Derek would do a better job than her, despite the fact that he was a surgeon too. She had chosen long ago not to be part of the mess that was Addison's life.

* * *

~ Derek ~

After dropping Devony off at daycare so she could play with Tuck, Derek attempted to concentrate on his cases. It was futile. He couldn't get her off his mind. "Derek?" someone asked, and he spun around. It was Richard, and the look on his face practically screamed bad news. His mouth went dry, and he found himself unable to speak.

"Derek, several of the other kidnapped victims were found. All . . . they were all dead, Derek. I'm so sorry. Some of them died from drug overdoses, some of them were killed by the kidnappers, and some of them drowned when the kidnappers dumped them in the river to get rid of them." Richard's voice was gentle, but Derek would have almost preferred it if he had yelled. It would have been a distraction from the pain, at the very least. His mentor laid a hand on his shoulder and then walked away quietly, leaving Derek to his thoughts.

Dead. The other women were dead. Gone. Gone forever.

He remembered the sun illuminating her face, and the brightness of her smile. The way her brilliant hair shone even in the dimmest light. Her willingness to risk her career and her life for her patients. Her changing eyes, blue one minute, and green the next. The lines on her face that showed she'd lived and who she was. The funny way she pursed her lips when she pouted. Her many pairs of $1000+ shoes. Her funny glasses perched halfway down her nose. Her favorite bluish scrub cap. The indescribable scent of her perfume.

He couldn't forget. He wouldn't allow himself to forget. "I can't forget," he whispered. "I can't forget, I can't forget, I can't forget. I have to remember."

He quickly racked his brain, allowing his mind to revel in the memories that were never far from his thoughts. He danced through a forest of happier times with the redheaded love of his life. Then he picked up a pen and grabbed a piece of paper. He knew he was going slightly insane but the memories were plunging their sharp spikes deep into his heart and it was all he could do. He wrote. Derek looked deep into his heart and wrote exactly what he found on that paper.

_The Last List_

_The last time I saw her: on the cover of that medical journal  
__The last time I was near her: Shepherd Christmas  
__The last time we kissed: right before she left Seattle  
__The last time we had sex: conceiving Devony  
__The last time we made love: in the trailer shower after the morning of bad sex  
__The last time I saw her cry: as she was leaving  
__The last time I saw her smile: when her last patient at SGH got to go home  
__The last time I cried: when I found out she was missing  
__The last time I smiled at her: when I asked her to Prom  
__The last time I held her: at Prom  
__The last time we went on a date: our eleventh anniversary  
__The last time we fought: about Meredith on the balcony  
__The last time I took time for her: the cute little viewfinders  
__The last time I thought she was happy: before Devony came here  
__The last time I truly believed she was alive: just a minute ago, before I heard about the other women  
__The last gift she gave me: our daughter  
__The last time I broke her: when she found the panties  
__The last time I made her think I hated her: too many to count  
__The last time I told her I love her: ??_

He couldn't remember. He couldn't remember the last time he'd told her he _loved her. _He was pretty sure it wasn't in Seattle. What kind of a husband had he been? He'd told her he loved Meredith, but not that he loved _her. _He went through half-blocked memories of New York, trying to remember saying those words, but was furious with himself when it still didn't come to him.

"Can you _please _shut that off!" Derek snapped at Izzie and Meredith. They were listening to the latest hit love song out loud at a nurses station, and it was killing him. He felt like he was about to throw up. He wanted to yell and scream and throw things, just to ease the pain for a second. He wanted to go to Joe's bar and drink his life away under the neon lights, but he had a responsibility to his daughter now. So instead, he found himself crying, the incontrollable tears dripping down his cheeks.

Izzie turned it off quickly. "Sorry," she whispered. The pain didn't stop. It just continued on, picking his heart apart precisely minute by minute, memory by memory.

"No, no, this can't be right," he muttered. "I never got to tell her I love her one last time. I didn't get to. She didn't know. She didn't know I loved her."

He didn't even realize he was talking out loud until Meredith said his name. "Derek." Her voice was gentle, but he turned away from her. "Derek, please. I want to help you. I know we're on a break, but I want to help."

"We're _NOT _on a break, Meredith! We are _broken up._ That was the end; it's over, so please understand that already." All the hospital staff in the direct vicinity stared at him.

"Derek!" a voice said, and he turned to find an out of breath Dr. Bailey. She put a hand on his arm and turned him to face away from all the staring people. "Derek, they found her. They found Addison."

* * *

**Ha ha, yes, I am very evil, I know. You can tell me how much you hate me or threaten me and tell me Addison better be alive, or what you thought of this chapter and I _may _update sooner. We'll see.  
And yes, Finn is there for a reason. Most of the stuff I put in here is there for a reason. Not all of it, but most of it, even if the purpose isn't immediately clear. For instance, I choose the flashback scenes very carefully.  
Sorry for the Hannah Montana cracks. I couldn't resist.**

* * *


	16. Chapter 16

**My Never  
Chapter 16**

**Well, I'm glad we all agree about Hannah Montana (it disgusts me to even type her name ...) My sisters like her, and I'm like, There is definitely something wrong with you. Anyway, enough about that! You probly have already skipped this because you want to know if Addison is alive, and I can't really blame you. But just in case you're still reading - Thank you for the amazing reviews, it is great and really inspiring to hear that people are enjoying the story! Okay, I'm done for today, go read!**

* * *

Callie ~ Seattle Grace ~ present

When Callie sank down into a chair after her five hour ortho surgery, the last thing she expected to find was a crying Mark Sloan. She was about to fall asleep but she gently tugged the hands that were concealing his tears away from his face and looked into his bright blue eyes. His shoulders still shook with sobs.

"Mark?" she asked, seeing the tortured expression in his eyes. "What's wrong with you?" Mark was one of her only friends at Seattle Grace. After the George thing, Meredith and her gang ignored her, not that they had been overly nice in the first place. But through their strange sex arrangements she'd found a true friend in Mark Sloan. And he'd helped her through her ruined marriage, so she was here to help him.

"It's not me. It's Addison."

Addison. Callie hadn't known the redheaded attending well at all, but Addison had been the unwilling star subject of the gossip mills while she'd worked at Seattle Grace. And now she was again, even though she wasn't here, because she had a kid with McDreamy and she was missing and he was trying to find her. Despite the obvious connection between Addison and Derek that everyone knew about, and the seeming inevitability that they would be together, Callie knew that Mark had loved Addison too.

"What is it? Mark, do you still love her?" Callie asked gently, ignoring the twinge of hurt she felt when she asked that.

"I'm not in love with her anymore, if that's what you're asking. I was once, but I'm not anymore. She's Derek's. But . . . I was friends with her for years and she might be dead, Cal."

Callie sighed sadly and wrapped her arms around Mark's shoulders. "Hey, come on, you don't know that. You have to be optimistic and believe that she's going to be okay, Mark." She wasn't sure, but she thought she felt him nod. He looked like a little boy so broken and devastated like this that she couldn't let go of him.

* * *

~ Derek ~

"Is she – Miranda, tell me – what – is she alive?" he choked out, barely able to talk.

"Yes, Derek, she's alive, but she's not doing so well."

The rest of her sentence floated off meaninglessly. Addison, his Addie, was alive. She was alive! She was going to be okay!

"She's alive?" he asked, his eyes filling with tears. Bailey nodded again. Derek felt his knees go weak with relief, and he sank to the floor, not caring what anyone thought of him. Bailey just let him be for a minute, and looked away when his tears turned to sobs. He was so relieved that he was literally shaking and although people were staring at him, on his knees in the middle of Seattle Grace, his behavior did not indicate whether the news was good or bad.

"Yes, Shepherd, she's alive, although there are some things you should know. She went into surgery a few minutes ago because of a traumatic brain injury. Her skull was fractured and she was seizing. She also fractured her pelvis and two ribs, and her leg had to be rebroken and set. She had some internal bleeding and was hemorrhaging pretty badly. Her spleen was ruptured, and she had kidney and liver damage. She's covered in lacerations, including one serious on her shoulder. They pumped so many drugs into her, Derek, that we just don't know if she'll pull through. And she's not breathing on her own."

Derek nodded, sobered by her words. A long recovery lay ahead of Addison, but he would be beside her for every minute of it. Maybe he would get to see her soon. That would be amazing. Maybe he'd get to hold her hand. That would be extraordinary. She was finally coming back to him. He'd finally get to see her perfect features and bright hair and blue-green eyes and amazing body. He'd get to see Addie again, and it was exhilarating. He hadn't realized how grey and dull life had been before. After she left, the colors had faded, but now, even from hundreds of miles away, she was painting his world in bright hues once again. Love and hope and trust and meaning were making a return.

It was difficult to picture her so broken. Whenever he imagined Addison, he saw her walking down the busy streets of New York confidently, maybe pulling Devony along beside her. He could see her on the beach with Naomi, laughing and letting the water swirl around her legs, the sun lighting up the planes of her face. But he couldn't see her lying nearly dead in a hospital bed. Addison was not a person associated with weakness or sickness. People thought of her as strong and independent, because that's what she always pretended to be.

"Derek." The reluctant tone of Miranda Bailey's voice snapped thoughts back to the present. She looked like there was something else she needed to tell him, but that she didn't want to. What other knowledge could be too terrible for him to know? She wasn't dead, but she had suffered nearly every other injury he could think of and a fate he wouldn't wish on his worst enemy. Not even Mark in the instant he saw him and his wife actually _having sex _on his bed and hearing her soft moans. Not even then.

"Derek, I really hate to have to be the one to tell you this. But you need to know. Derek … Addison was raped. Multiple times. I'm so sorry."

The bottom dropped out of his stomach, down into the floor, and continued through several layers of concrete and foundation until it reached the soft earth below. He let out a ragged breath as the nausea swept over him.

When he'd learned what they were planning to do with Addison, basically sell her as a sex slave, the idea that she could have been raped entered his head. He'd dismissed it because he didn't want to deal with the insanity that accompanied that reality unless he had to. Unfortunately he was facing it right at this moment. "What – what exactly happened? How did they find her?" he asked in order to distract himself.

"She's the only one they've found alive so far. You know the kidnappers were trying to get down to South America with their drugs, which they deemed more valuable than the kidnapped women. They dumped the victims out of their van and into a river in Mexico. Many of them drowned, but they think Addison somehow ended up on her back and she was able to float. She was carried a ways down the river, where she was discovered by some kids going rafting. They Life Flighted her to a hospital in San Diego, where she is right now. She went into surgery almost right away because of her internal injuries."

"_I_ should be the one operating on her, not some second rate nobody."

"Derek, no one in their right mind would let you operate on Addison right now, or ever really, no matter how good you are."

"Then I want her up here," he said firmly.

"We have to wait until she's stable. Fortunately for you, it seems that when they found her she kept muttering your name. They found it significant enough to tell me and ask if Addison knew a Derek . . . so getting her up here shouldn't be too difficult. We can call them again later, once she's out of surgery."

Derek grinned widely and hugged Bailey. Her mouth fell open but after a minute she gently patted his back a few times.

Adrenaline was being pumped through his system with fervor. The rape thing still made him feel a little sick, as well as the laundry list of injuries. But Addison wasn't lost. As long as she was alive, she could heal. He could heal her.

He ran through the hospital, nearly skipping, his eyes watering as the sun filtered in through the windows. A new beginning, a second chance. That was what he was getting, and to Derek it was like he was a completely new person. He felt like singing, but he hummed instead, just various melodies from songs he had no names for.

When he couldn't remember anymore, he took to yelling. He knew his behavior was uncharacteristic, but at the moment, nothing mattered other than that Addison was alive.

"She's alive. She's alive. She's alive. She's alive," he said loudly, happily, for everyone to hear. He needed to find his daughter and tell her that her mother was coming. He needed to see Mark, Richard, call his mother, sisters, Archer, even Bizzy.

"Derek?" Preston asked, grabbing his arm. "What are you doing?"

"She's alive," was all he could say. "Addison, she's alive." His sometime-rival's face broke into a wide smile.

"That's great, Shepherd. Seriously."

"She's in San Diego right now, but when she's stable we're going to have her Life Flighted up here. Dr. Burke . . . Preston, if there's anything wrong with her heart, will you be the one to operate?"

"Of course. Is she alright?" he asked in a concerned tone.

Derek sat down in his favorite spot on the overpass, and Burke sat next to him. "She's got a lot of injuries . . . internal bleeding, broken bones ... and she was ... raped." His voice broke on that word.

"I'm sorry, Derek. But at least she's alive."

"Yeah, she's alive," he said, still wonderingly. "And I'm never letting her go again."

"You still love her," Burke stated. It was not a question, just speaking a truth out loud.

"Yeah. I have a lot to make up for, but I'm going to do it, whatever it takes."

Burke nodded thoughtfully. "You and Addison were always sort of meant to be together. If you're removed from the situation, not like you or Meredith or Addison or Richard or Mark or even Cristina, but like me, you'd be able to see that. You're meant to be, and you're getting another chance, but Derek . . . you're in for the fight of your life."

"I know I am," Derek said with another grin, "But somehow, I don't mind. I'm going to appreciate every moment of it, just being with her. Even if she doesn't want me there. Even if she hates me. And now," he heaved himself up off the floor, "I need to go tell my daughter that her mother is coming back." Burke nodded as he watched Derek walk off.

Devony had been with Richard, but he was in surgery, and Patricia told him that Mark now had her. Derek found them playing with Callie in a lounge on the surgical floor. They both looked up when he approached; Mark sad, Devony hopeful, and Callie sympathetic.

"Devony, Daddy has something to tell you," Derek said, kneeling and taking her hands. Her blue eyes met his solemnly. "Your mother is coming back soon."

Devony stared at Derek, her expression becoming more and more delightedly surprised by the second. She looked more excited than she had on Christmas morning. "Mommy's coming back!" she yelled. Several of the other families turned to stare at them, at smiling Devony and crying Derek.

"Yeah, baby, she's okay. She's coming," Derek said, hugging her tightly.

"Addison is alive – she's okay?" Mark asked quickly.

Derek nodded at his friend. They exchanged a silent look of relief that said more than they could have with words. He was surrounded for the next few minutes by various staff members coming to congratulate him, Devony, and Mark. It still felt unreal, but it was in a good, on top of the world way. The road ahead was long and winding, but Derek would walk it gladly.

Eight hours later, he joined Bailey while she made the call to the hospital in San Diego. Addison' s initial surgeries had gone well, and she was stable.

Bailey was explaining the situation to them. "I'm sure you've taken great care of Addison Montgomery, but we have one of the best hospitals in the country, and the best neurosurgeon and cardiothoracic surgeon in the world." She listened for a minute.

"Tell them her husband and child are up here," Derek whispered to her.

She raised an eyebrow at the word 'husband' but did as he said. "Yes, his name is Derek. Is she still saying that? Okay. Alright."

"What's happening?" Derek asked desperately after several minutes. Bailey only handed him the phone.

All he could hear was the sound of a helicopter taking off.

* * *

~ Meredith ~

"It's over," Meredith said to Cristina. "It's over between me and Derek."

Cristina rolled her eyes. "It's never over between you two."

"No, it is, this time. You should have seen the look on his face when they told him Addison was going to be okay. He's never truly been mine, and I didn't realize that until now."

"Now?" Cristina asked, her voice gentler.

"He's trying to get Addison flown up here, and when he was talking about her he said he was her husband. Her _husband, _Cristina. They've been divorced for four years and he still accidentally refers to them as husband and wife."

"I'm sorry, Mer."

"I know. I'm not even – I knew this was coming. We've been having problems. No . . . I think I knew the minute I saw Devony standing on that chair in the gallery and realized she was Derek's. That's when I knew my claim was void."

* * *

**You didn't really think I would kill Addison, did you? I had to make it dramatic, but of course she was never going to die. That would be like super-angst, and I'm a happy ending kind of person. After a bit of angst, of course. And if she was dead, there would be no Addek, which would make me a liar, cuz I did promise Addek :D  
I must say, I super-like the helicopter line near the end. Not to compliment my own work or anything.  
So, what did you think? I would love to anything you have to say! Other than that ... I think that's all. Until next time :)**

* * *


	17. Chapter 17

**My Never  
Chapter 17**

**So Addison is _finally _back ... are you excited? I bet you are, so I'll keep this short. Thank you, thank you, thank you to all the wonderful people who read and review this story. It means so much to me. And we're on chapter 17, guys! Don't worry, there's still a lot more to go!**

* * *

Derek ~ the trailer ~ present

"Devony? Devony, baby you have to wake up," Derek whispered to his small daughter.

"What, Daddy?" she mumbled softly.

"We have to go to the hospital," he whispered, scooping her up. She clung to her blankets and Derek wrapped them around her as he jogged out into the cool night. Her blue eyes were wide in her doll-like face as he placed her carefully in the back and buckled her in. Then he got into the front, still struggling into his shirt.

The only light in the car was from the streetlights and the dashboard as Derek drove to the hospital. Devony sat up, completely alert, as if she knew something important was happening. The blankets hung loosely around her thin shoulders, and Derek saw her shivering. He reached around the car until he located her tiny pink Uggs and handed them to her.

Derek had been awoken late that night, or early that morning, really, by Richard's phone call. He and Devony had gone home to get some sleep before Addison arrived. Richard had promised to have someone call when she landed, and now his heart was pounding and pumping his blood too fast through his veins. He drummed his fingers against the steering wheel at stoplights and tapped his foot impatiently. Devony only clung to Pluffie tightly.

He walked quickly through the halls when they arrived, trying to find someone who would tell him where Addison was. He was too preoccupied to notice Devony's curious cerulean eyes taking in everything. Suddenly her warm hand was yanked from his and she ran into a room yelling, "Mommy!"

Derek hurried in after her. He nearly ran into her as she stopped abruptly, staring in horror at her mother. "Mommy?" she whispered.

There was nothing Derek could have done to prepare himself for seeing Addison like that. Seeing her there, in the hospital bed, intubated and not moving, changed Derek's world forever. She was deathly pale and hooked up to way too many machines. The sight was only made worse by the fact that Derek knew exactly what those machines were for. The only movement was her shallow breathing as her chest rose and fell gently. There was a thick white bandage wrapped around her head and she was so thin that he could see the bones under her skin. Dark circles under her eyes suggested that the drugs were still poisoning her body. Numerous cuts marred her face and other visible skin. He knew if he lifted the blanket he'd see her other bandages from the surgeries and the thick white splint on her leg and her immobilized pelvis.

Devony was shaking. "Devony, Mommy is sick," Derek told her quietly. "That's why she was away for so long. She's sick, and so she's going to have to stay in the hospital for a while. Alright? She'll get better soon."

"Is she sleeping Daddy?" she asked, twisting to look at him.

"Sort of. She needs to get better, so she might not be waking up for a while," Derek said.

"Hey, man, I came as soon as I heard," Mark said behind him, rushing into the room. Callie was behind him, but she hung back a little.

"Mark, can you take Devony for a while? She's having a hard time – she shouldn't have to see her mother like this."

Mark nodded. "Come on, squirt, you're going to come play with me and Callie."

"What about Mommy?" she asked.

"You can come back later," Callie told her with a smile. "Maybe when she's awake and feeling better. But right now your Daddy needs to see her." Derek smiled gratefully at Callie. Devony walked shyly forward to take Callie and Mark's outstretched hands.

"We'll be back later," Mark promised.

The minute they were gone, Derek hurried to Addison's side. "Oh, Addie," he sighed. He ran his thumb gently across her cheekbone, just under the purple circles. She was absolutely beautiful, even damaged like she was. Her face was angelic and peaceful. She was always gorgeous, but when she slept, her face looked much more innocent and childlike than it did in real life, and Derek found himself unable to look away. She looked helpless and utterly irresistible.

He sat there, just watching her sleep, for hours. He hadn't seen her in so long. "I'm sorry, Adds. I'm sorry this happened to you and I'm sorry for . . . before. I just realized that I'd never apologized, at least not to your face. I'm sorry for being absent. So sorry. You should have been the most important thing in my life. I was sad that you weren't ready to have kids after Evelyn, and I know we fought about it, and that hurt you just as much as it hurt me. And I'm sorry that the fact that I was never there pushed you into the arms of Mark. I'm sorry I just left you there. I'm sorry about Meredith. I'm sorry for treating you like crap and chasing after Meredith and saying you were an obligation and calling you Satan. I'm sorry about Prom and the panties and not being there with you for Devony. I'm so sorry, love."

Addison stirred slightly in her sleep, but didn't wake up. Derek carefully peeled the blanket back until he found her hand. He could see the white of the bandages covering her body, but he tried to just focus on her hand. It was cold and her nails were ruined and there were bruises and cuts covering her arm, but Derek hugged it close to his chest. Her skin smelled clean, but too clean; hospital clean. He supposed they'd wiped her down after they found her.

He couldn't imagine how she could be okay after all she'd gone through. He wanted to believe, so badly, that she would wake up and be just fine, but he knew, after watching patient after patient succumb to Death's relentless clutches that no matter how much he loved her, there was only so much he could do. At some point, she would either get worse or better. "Don't quit, Addie. Remember what you said before I left? We're Derek and Addison, and we don't quit. So don't quit on me now, baby, please." His voice was hoarse by the end and he was blinking furiously. "Please," he gasped one last time before holding her hand to even closer to his heart.

A few hours later Richard silently joined him. He sat on Addison's other side, and neither man said a single word. The two continued their soundless vigil well into the morning before there was a soft knock on the door.

"Hey," Izzie Stevens said softly. "Hey, I'm so glad she's okay. Well, I know she's not okay right now, but she will be."

"Thank you, Dr. Stevens," Richard said. He took the extra blanket Izzie was holding and laid it over Addison with extreme caution, so as not to hurt her anymore than she already was.

Izzie hesitated before pulling up a chair. "Devony fell asleep, and Mark and Callie are taking care of her," she told Derek. "Carolyn, your mother, called, and so have all your sisters, so you should call them back when you get a chance. We already contacted Addison's parents and her brother, who's flying out here. We have her full lab workups if you want to see them."

"Thank you so much, Izzie," Derek whispered. She smiled at him and left.

When he woke up the sun was shining through Addison's window. He blinked rapidly and rubbed his eyes. Richard was gone, and he'd fallen asleep over Addison's still form. He glanced at her heart rate monitor. It was the steady beat of the heart he loved so much that had put him to sleep last night.

On the chair next to him was a note. He recognized Mark's handwriting.

_Derek, took Dev to breakfast. We'll be back soon to see Addie. Brought you some clothes._

He sat watching the golden sunlight caressing Addison's face for a few more minutes. She looked a little better; slightly less pale, the dark circles not quite as prominent. Still watching her, he flipped open his phone and dialed his mother's number.

"Derek?" she asked an instant after the phone started ringing. "What's going on, why did you call?"

"Mom, they . . . they found Addison. She's alive, and she's lying right beside me. She's here, and she's going to be okay." He felt himself getting a little teary at the end, but his mother didn't comment on it.

"Oh my God, Derek. That's great – I'm so glad," she said. Derek could hear the raw relief in her voice. She did, after all, still consider Addison one of her daughters even though they were divorced.

"The thing is, Ma . . . she's not in the best shape. She's got a lot of injuries and she's already had surgery and I'm afraid to even know the full extent of it all."

"Derek, I'm flying out there. In fact, I'm booking my ticket right now. I'm going to call your sisters and we're coming out there. But honey . . . if she's okay, what do you mean you don't want to know the extent?"

Derek took Addison's hand again. "She was raped," he said, his voice raw with pain. She was raped several times, brutally, and if you knew what those men had planned to do with her . . . I can't tell you over the phone, I just can't, but when you get here . . ."

"Okay, Derek, it's okay. We're coming."

"Thanks, mom."

"See you soon, honey. Tell Addison and Devony to hang in there."

Derek had just barely hung up when the door opened to reveal Preston, Mark, Bailey, Callie, Meredith, Izzie, Cristina, Alex, George, and their interns. There was a collective gasp when the ones who knew Addison first laid eyes on her and then silence.

"Shep, Dev's with Richard," Mark said to break the silence. "We got you this," he said, handing him a box with the smell of eggs and bacon emanating from it.

"Dr. Shepherd, here's Addison's chart," Dr. Bailey said, handing it to him.

"I – I can't," he whispered desperately. He didn't want to know more about her injuries that he already did.

Small hands tugged the clipboard away from him gently. "I got it," Meredith told him. "Dr. Addison Montgomery, post-op day one, admitted late last night. TBI and skull fracture, repaired by a craniotomy, still slight swelling but the operation went well and seizures have stopped. Ruptured spleen and torn liver both repaired in surgery. A fractured rib that penetrated her kidney was fixed as well. Her pelvic fracture is stabilized, and we're waiting to cast her re-fractured leg until the swelling has gone down. The laceration on her right shoulder is slightly infected and is being monitored closely. Still intubated, but may be able to breath on her own soon. We also ran a tox screen and her body is slowly but surely filtering the drugs out of her system, but we are also watching for liver failure." Suddenly Meredith stopped. She looked up at Addison, fear and compassion in her eyes. She continued in a shaky voice, "Rape kit done in San Diego was positive, pregnancy and STD tests negative. Some vaginal tearing and risk of infection."

"Thank you, Dr. Grey," Burke said when she was done. Derek buried his face in his hands, secretly hoping if he stayed like that it would all go away. "Dr. Yang, will you read off the treatment plan?"

"Monitor all aspects of her condition closely. If the infected cut gets worse she'll need intravenous antibiotics. She already had one blood transfusion but may need another. She has ICU status and will be moved to the actual ICU in a few hours." All eyes turned to Derek. He'd requested that she be put in a room where she could see the sun, at least for one night, since she'd been locked up in a warehouse for months on end. "Continual CTs and X-rays are recommended to keep track of progress. Some internal problems may not be apparent until later, as her entire body suffered severe trauma. Intestinal, heart and other kidney or liver problems could possibly develop. Internal bleeding from torn iliac and femoral blood vessels were also corrected in the aforementioned surgery. Abdomen is no longer distended and though the patient lost a lot of blood she is now stable."

Derek only stared blankly at the wall. _Why her? Why her? Why her?_

* * *

~ Addison ~

The pain was getting worse. It was eating her stomach, devouring her from the inside out, and there was no escape. The rest of her body that she could actually feel felt as if it were resting on a cloud. Light, numb, and barely there. But there was definitely something wrong.

First she dreamed ants were eating her stomach. She tried to scream for help, but she couldn't form the words. Next, a giant plant took a bite right out of her abdomen. She tried to move, to talk, to yell, to do something, but she still couldn't. Next, someone stabbed her. The blood spurting from the wound turned to ash and devoured the whole lower half of her body. This time her dream didn't end. The pain went on, making her increasingly uncomfortable in her blanked out paradise.

She wanted to wake up. She felt like there was something waiting for her, just out of reach. She tried to touch it, taste it, smell it, but she was unable.

Maybe she was dying. That would make sense. Why else would Derek's face be swimming above her? Why else would his voice be surrounding her? He sounded angry, and then defeated. Was she going to Heaven or Hell? The pain suggested Hell. But then why was Derek there?

Later, an unidentifiable amount of time later in her muddled state, she decided it didn't matter. Derek was here with her. That was what she wanted, what she needed. Just him. His smile, his eyes, his perfect voice. His dulcet tones sent her deeper into dreamworld. She couldn't truly see him; Dream-Derek wasn't very clear. But Dream-Derek's voice was just right. It brought back memories of whispered promises and secret rendezvous. Of him whispering to her as his talented fingers made her come. The sound of that voice as it whispered her name in ecstasy. She changed her mind. Maybe this was Heaven after all.

The men were gone. She had vague memories of being dumped out the back of the van, and of speed, and of falling and hurting and water, but that was it. Now it was gone. The hurt was gone too, although she couldn't move. There was only the gut-wrenching agony coming from her stomach. Not even Derek's voice could alleviate that.

He wasn't the clearest in her dream, but at least she got to see him one last time before she died. She felt the end coming. It was too much. She was tired of fighting. She'd fought for so long and fought so hard and now she was just too exhausted. It was best to die now, with Dream-Derek, than to live on in endless torture.

She faded out, still smiling as she looked at Derek. Her soul mate, the love of her life. With her last thoughts, she wished him happiness. Happiness without her, but with Meredith and Devony and Mark and everyone else. If he was happy, she could go.

Unbeknownst to Addison, a frantic beeping started as she thought these thoughts. And over twenty people gathered around her, hurrying and worrying and trying their best to diagnose.

Code Blue.

* * *

~ Derek ~

His nerves were completely shot. He was not allowed in the OR, or the gallery, or even to see his patients. He had to sit tight with Mark and Devony and it was destroying him.

Apparently Addison'd had a pancreatic injury. They were difficult to diagnose and she was now undergoing reconstructive surgery. It was her second major surgery in twenty four hours.

Devony, for once, was sitting quietly with Mark not causing trouble. Neither one had said much for a while. Mark's eyes were closed and he looked nearly asleep, but Devony was making Pluffie walk up and down his legs. He took to watching the patients, unraveling the little telltale signs of relief or anxiety or anguish. He could be any one of them in the next few hours. Watching them, however, gave him an idea.

He gently lifted his daughter off Mark's snoring body and secured her against his hip. He stroked her hair as they rode the elevator down to a place in Seattle Grace Derek had never been. Devony grinned when she saw all the toys of the gift shop. She ran off to look at them while Derek approached the counter. He looked at all the flowers lining the displays. Lilies were Addie's favorite, but the all the delicate blossoms somehow reminded him of her.

"Can I help you, sir?" the cashier asked after a minute.

"Yes. I'll take a pink balloon and all those flowers."

The cashier spluttered in surprise. "All of them?"

"Yes, all of them! My wife . . . um, ex-wife actually, not that it matters, but she's getting out of surgery in a few minutes so I suggest you hurry up. I'll pay you whatever you want."

In the end, they had to lend him a cart for all the flowers. He paid for them, not even noticing the price and hurried back upstairs, his daughter and her pink balloon following close behind him.

When he reached her new room he began setting them up quickly. There were lilies and roses and carnations and tulips and daffodils and hundreds of other flowers Derek knew he'd have to be female to know the names for. When he was finished her room looked like some sort of rainbow jungle.

"What the . . . what the hell is this, Shepherd?" Bailey asked as they wheeled Addison's painfully still body into the room. He stared at it anxiously until he saw the slight movements of her chest, and realized that if she was dead they wouldn't have brought her back to her room.

He breathed a sigh of relief. "How'd it go?" he asked Bailey, ignoring her earlier question.

"Surgery went well, no complications. She's even breathing on her own now. She could wake up at any time."

"Really?" Derek asked excitedly. "Anytime?"

Bailey shrugged. "She seems to have taken a turn for the better. Not sure what she's going to think of the menagerie you got in here, though."

"She's a fighter," he said proudly. Bailey only smiled and shut the door quietly. Derek spotted Meredith and her friends staring at the display of flowers through the glass ICU walls, but he didn't care. They could say or think whatever they wanted about him, but he had Addison. How could anything else compare?

He pulled his chair close to Addison's bedside and set Devony on his lap. "Devony, I know it's scary seeing Mommy so sick. It's scary for Daddy too. You've been very brave. But . . . Mommy's going to have to stay in the hospital with those machines for a while. They're helping her, okay? Soon she's going to wake up and you can talk to her, but we have to use soft voices and be very gentle. Okay?"

Devony nodded. "Can I give her a kiss, Daddy?"

"Sure. But be very careful." He was relieved that she seemed to understand. Devony leaned hesitantly forward before pressing her lips to Addison's cheek.

"Feel better soon, Mommy," she whispered.

"Maybe you could make her a card?" Derek suggested. Devony nodded happily and got her crayons out of her backpack. She colored on his lap while he watched Addison breathe; making sure her chest rose and fell the right amount each time. Twice he thought he saw her hand twitch, but then convinced himself that he was imagining it.

It was many hours later, in the blue cover of twilight, that it happened. Devony had long fallen asleep, she was resting curled up in a chair. Derek's eyelids were beginning to droop but he just wanted to watch her for a few more hours. Just a few more minutes.

He started when her head moved a fraction of an inch. She stirred again, messing up the red hair spilling out the white bandage around her head. Her eyelids fluttered, and Derek swore his heart stopped. He watched, transfixed, barely able to breathe, and her head turned toward him and he saw the irises of her azure eyes for the first time in over four years.

She shivered and blinked and looked endearingly confused. Then as she saw him her eyes met his and Derek felt the instant connection. Her mouth fell open and her lips trembled. Still she stared at him, and he at her, as if they could see into the depths of each other's souls. "Derek?" she whispered, and he was home.

* * *

**I know, it probably wasn't the complete Addek reunion you were hoping for, but that takes place more in the next chapter. Addison is back, though, and not dead, and now she's awake, so yay! And at two this morning, I thought of an idea for a sequel. I have no idea if it'll happen or not, but hey, you never know. So anyway, didja like the update? I hope so, but lemme know! :D**

* * *


	18. Chapter 18

**My Never  
Chapter 18**

**I apologize, I know this has been a bit dark lately. I'm doing the best I can with this type of subject matter – I mean, I wouldn't want to make light of it. When I set out to write this story, I was like: okay, so Addison gets kidnapped. But writing it sensitively and realistically is a little more difficult. I mean, angst is good and all, but I know everybody wants happy, fluffy Addek too. Don't worry, Addison is just beginning the slow healing process.  
And YAY for spring break! I'm going to have a bunch of time for writing (when I'm not on the beach :D), I'm so excited! So expect more updates, hopefully soon. Also a million zillion thanks yous for all my reviews!**

* * *

Derek ~ Seattle Grace ~ present

She was still staring at him as if he was going to suddenly disappear, but he couldn't help grinning so big that he felt like his face would split in two. Tears filled his eyes and he made no effort to hide them. "Addie," he whispered. So much was contained in that one little word. All of his love, and his heart, which was hers. And all that he needed.

But apparently they weren't exactly on the same page. "You're here," she choked out, her voice painfully hoarse. He had to lean closer to even hear her.

"Yes, baby, I'm here," Derek told her tenderly. One of her bruised hands was lying on top of the covers. He extended his own hand across the scratchy blue blanket toward it slowly, but Addison yanked hers back with a wince.

"Go away, Derek."

He didn't move. He was frozen.

"Go away!" she said a little louder.

Well, he hadn't expected it to be easy. "Addison," he said slowly. "I'm not going to hurt you. I promise."

"You already are, Derek," she said tiredly. "Just go away. Go back to Meredith so I can pretend this was a dream."

"No," he said simply. Obviously she didn't realize that he loved her yet. Well, he was going to tell her. Or show her.

"I don't want you here, Derek!" she yelled.

* * *

~ Addison ~

It was all so much, too much, for her to process at one time. Simply being safe and wrapped in warm white sheets would have been a bit overwhelming.

But seeing _him _here, after more than _four _years and after thinking that she was going to die was far, far too much. Already she couldn't stop shivering, or thinking of the dark hellhole where she'd been kept. What if this was just another dream? Granted, it was more real than her other dreams, she could smell the hospital, and Derek (did he really still use the same aftershave?), but most of all she could smell _them. _She could feel _them. _They would never be truly gone.

Though in her memories they were only faceless demons, they hovered continually at the edges of her vision. When she looked, they'd be gone quicker than if they'd never been there. But Addison knew they were there. Perhaps they waited for the perfect chance, or for her to sleep, or for Derek to leave. Whatever the reason … they were waiting.

Derek. He looked the same and not the same at all. The blue eyes were the same, but the ever-present twinkle in them seemed to have gone out. There were more grey strands in his hair than there ever had been before, he had lost weight, and he looked exhausted, as if he hadn't slept in a while. There was another look about him … one not so easily identifiable … he looked almost, to Addison, _haunted. _Like he'd seen a ghost, or something horrible had sucked the life out of him.

When he caught her staring, he attempted a weak smile for her, but it was really more of a grimace. Addison wondered at the effect of her words on him, because he was not leaving. Derek _always _left. Not always in the literal sense. He could be physically present, but emotionally somewhere else. It was a skill of his. So why wasn't he leaving?

If Addison was perfectly honest with herself, which she wasn't feeling inclined to be, his presence eased the knot of tension in her stomach like no one else could. Terror, horror, and paranoia were her dominant emotions at the moment, but a small part of her could just appreciate and revel in the man whose mere existence had gotten her through her ordeal.

"I thought you were dead," he whispered to her, and his voice cracked. "I thought you were dead, Addie, and I swear to God if it wasn't for Devony … I have no idea what kind of a state I'd be in right now. Probably passed out at Joe's or something. The thought of you dead … it nearly killed me too." He looked about to reach for her hand again, but restrained himself quickly. "If you want me to go because you don't feel comfortable with me being here because of what happened, I understand and I'll walk out the door right now. But I don't want me here because of all the times I've hurt you … that's what I'm here to make up for, Addie."

His words washed over her as though they were being spoken in a different language. The idea that Derek was there because he wanted to be, not out of obligation, was unfathomable. Hadn't he made it clear he didn't care what happened to her? Now he wanted to make up for it?

Then the truth dawned on her, and tears filled her eyes. He was here because she was sick and had nearly died, and he felt _guilty. _He always had to be the good guy. If it was up to him, he'd probably be screwing Meredith senseless right at that moment. No, that wasn't right. Derek didn't say screw; he would probably call it 'making love' or something like that, like he used to make love to _her._

Maybe … she could pretend for a few hours. Pretend that Derek was here for her, and get some sleep. It would hurt worse in the end, but the idea was enticing. Before she could sleep again though, because she was unbelievably exhausted … she needed to see her daughter. "Where's Devony?" she asked Derek. Her breathing accelerated and she nearly threw up as something dark danced in the farthest reaches of her vision. When she focused her eyes back on Derek's face, however, it was gone.

"She's right here," he said, leaning to the side so she could see Devony curled up on a chair, wrapped in a blanket and clutching Pluffie, fast asleep. A sort of peace came over her upon seeing that sight, and she closed her eyes.

Derek. Derek was here, really here.

Devony was as beautiful as ever.

The men were gone, gone, gone. But they were still there.

Derek. He'd probably be gone when she woke up.

And sleep. Sleep won.

* * *

~ Meredith ~

"It's scary, isn't it?" Izzie asked in a horrified whisper beside her.

Meredith nodded slowly. Seeing Derek in there with Addison, watching him watch her sleep so intently, stung less than she thought it was going to. Derek had been right about their relationship, she'd just been too stubborn to see it.

And although she had never been friends with Addison Montgomery, seeing one of their own in there, a Seattle Grace doctor, shook her more than she'd ever admit to anyone. Nobody deserved that. She'd never forget the look on Derek's face when he ran through the hospital after finding out what happened to Addison, looking like he was about to hurl any second. And he had, and the man Mark and Richard hauled back inside was someone Meredith had never met.

For the next few days, Derek Shepherd had been a ghost. _"What's wrong with Daddy?" _Devony asked anyone who would listen, but nobody knew how to answer her. _"He's crying again,"_ the little girl admitted to Izzie. _"Why is he crying? Daddy isn't supposed to cry." _

Meredith was unsure how much Derek's three year old understood, but he slowly picked himself up off the ground to take care of her. And then his moods alternated between darkest night and brightest day, depending on the news he received. Right now, he was shining as he stared at his ex-wife. Worry was present in his wrinkled brow, but despite many sleepless nights, he looked better than she'd seen him in years.

"Yeah. It's awful," Meredith whispered back to Izzie.

Alex and George made their way over to them through the thick crowd outside Addison's door. Their expressions were extremely grave as they took in the scene in front of them. Meredith could hear the interns talking softly behind them. The rumors had reached them, and they knew who was lying in the bed in there. The gossip mill was running completely wild, but she didn't have the energy to neither help nor hinder it.

She watched Derek closely._ He never felt that way about me,_ was the conclusion she was forced to make. He was aware of Addison's every movement; his eyes tracked the rise and fall of her chest. Apprehension and relief were mingled on his face. Addison was alive, but she was certainly not out of the woods yet. Physical problems were only the surface. How could anybody ever recover from what had happened to her?

The redheaded object of Derek's obvious affection still had an emaciated look about her; she was so skinny it was almost scary. The dark circles under her eyes, the result of the drugs injected into her, had not completely faded. She was a mess, but the way Derek was looking at her … it was like she was a treasure trove of brightest gold, or a star fallen to earth. Glowing in the pale moonlight, it somehow made her beautiful even though she looked like hell.

She could have had that. Why wasn't she ever happy when Derek was hers? Her only conclusion was that she didn't belong there. It was hard to see him there beside her, looking like the happiest man on earth, but it wasn't as hard as it had been the first time, finding out that he had a wife. They'd had their chance, and they hadn't worked out. He was meant to be with Addison and Devony, always. She had just been an obstacle in their way.

Maybe she truly was masochistic, standing there watching the light and bliss amidst the ridiculous number of flowers Derek had bought his ex-wife. Like a fly drawn to deadly luminosity, she couldn't turn and run from the perfect picture. She couldn't go in and be a part of it; she didn't belong there, but something inside wasn't letting her leave.

There was a presence behind her, someone besides her friends, probably wondering why she was staring into an ICU hospital room with such concentration. She didn't want to deal with them now. She didn't want sympathy, or comfort, or even Derek. She just wanted that – what Addison had. A family. She'd had her chance; she could have stepped up, tried to be a mother to Devony, married Derek and gotten the white picket fence. But she hadn't. Half of her regretted it, but the other half was telling her that wasn't her path.

When she heard the voice behind her, she thought that other half might have actually been right. "Mer?"

She spun around. "Finn?" she asked incredulously. She hadn't seen him since a few days before Derek had last seen Addison. He was standing there hesitantly; his hair cut short, holding flowers and two bags that smelled of food.

"Hi. I, um, heard about Addison and brought these for her. And I brought food for Derek and Devony, as well as a picture of the deer." She had no idea what he was talking about but somehow, it didn't matter.

"Hello, Finn," she said with a smile. "It's been a while." And then an earsplitting scream broke through the suffocating silence.

* * *

~ Derek ~

He felt his heart jump to his throat as a scream tore out of Addison. Her eyes were still closed, but she was moaning and twitching and shaking violently. He jumped up to try and keep her from hurting herself further, but she clawed him in her sleep. He held on, knowing that if she twisted the wrong way or fell that her injuries could go from life-threatening to fatal.

A squeak of terror sounded from somewhere behind him, and the ICU door sprung open. Other hands joined his, until Addison finally lay still. He exhaled slowly in relief, and turned to find Devony with her head buried in Richard's lab coat. Three other nurses stood there, and a psyche consult entered a second later. As a surgeon, Derek didn't usually put a lot of stock in psychoanalysis; especially since Kathleen had been spouting it at him for years, but he was a bit relieved to see the man.

"Is she okay?" he asked the man quickly.

He shrugged. "Physically, it seems she's healing very well Emotionally? She's in a pretty bad state right now. Not surprising, considering what she's been through." Unfortunately, pretty much everyone in the hospital knew what had happened to Addison. "The nightmares, which are probably flashbacks, are a symptom of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. They often continue for months, sometimes years, after the incident but talking to someone can often alleviate them. When she's fully conscious I suggest she talk to a close friend, family member, or a counselor about what happened."

Derek nodded slowly. It was actually better than he'd expected. She wasn't afraid of him, she wasn't completely freaking out. Yes, she was afraid, that was to be expected. But Addison was strong. He knew she'd get through it, with or without him. Although preferably with him.

Addison stirred and cleared her throat painfully. Panic shone in her ever-changing eyes for a moment at the sight of so many people in her room before she calmed. Derek gave her an encouraging smile, but her eyes sought Devony.

"Momma?" Devony asked, struggling in Richard's arms. "Momma!" Her voice was loud, and Derek saw Addison jump a little. He watched apprehensively as Devony ran over to her mother, but Addison reached slowly for her daughter. Belatedly he noticed the others stealing out slowly so as to give mother and daughter some time alone. It was hard, nearly impossible, to leave her, but Richard patted his arm and Derek followed him slowly out. He looked back to find Addison's eyes following him. Her expression turned pleading, and he knew she was begging him to come back in the only way she could. He nodded and then glanced at the door, indicating that he'd be right outside.

* * *

**So, a fairly happy chapter. Tthis story is going to focus on Addison's healing process and Derek's part in it for a while. I think it's going to be good, and you will probably like it (because it involves Addek!) Anyway I am headed to Cabo for a few days, and I do accept reviews as send offs! :D (although I have no idea what the situation will be with internet :O)**

* * *


	19. Chapter 19

**My Never  
Chapter 19**

**Aw, guys, your reviews make me smile so big! You are like the most amazing reviewers a girl could have. Keep it up, and I'll keep the updates coming as fast as I can! This is pretty long. I didn't mean for it to get this long, but you like long, right? I think I'll go take a nap now, I spent all of yesterday on plane :P**

* * *

Addison ~ Seattle Grace ~ present

Comfort was personified in the small arms of her daughter as Devony enfolded her in a tight embrace. Addison hugged her back just as fiercely. Touching her was okay in way that touching anyone else was not. Devony smelled like Derek's mint shampoo instead of her usual coconut, her hair was a little bit longer, and Derek apparently couldn't match children's clothes any better than his own. But the little girl that made up practically Addison's whole world was in her arms again. In that moment, it didn't matter what had been done to her or what was yet to come. All that mattered was Devony.

When Addison finally pulled back to look at her daughter and push the curled black tresses out of her eyes, she noticed that Devony looked somehow older. Information that no three year old should have to deal with had been shoved upon her, and something in her face had aged. Guilt suffused her, and she pulled Devony to her chest again. Luckily some things were the same: the mischievous gleam in the eyes she'd inherited from Derek; she could only imagine the hell her daughter had put him through. Derek's old blue and purple giraffe, Pluffie, was still being clung to as tightly as ever.

"Mommy, I missed you," she whispered softly.

"I missed you too, baby, so much," Addison barely choked out. Tears formed in the corner of her eyes, and Devony's eyes glittered with them as well.

"I got to meet Daddy," she said proudly. "And I'm not even four yet."

Addison managed a weak laugh. "I should have known, huh? You never follow the rules."

"Rules are for lame people, Mommy," she said, snuggling her head in tighter to Addison. She winced as the pain in her ribs flared, but was unable to pull away. "Why didn't you come back for a long time?" Addison sighed when her daughter asked the question that she knew was inevitable.

"Mommy tried to, sweetie. I wanted to, I'm sorry." How could she explain in a way that Devony would believe her, but also understand? She would rather Devony think that she had abandoned her than have her daughter know what really happened. Someday she would find out, there would be no hiding it forever, but Addison hoped to conceal the truth for a while longer.

"I just missed you. It felt like you were gone for years and years! And Daddy is not very good at matching outfits," Devony said, sounding upset.

Addison couldn't help the laugh that escaped. It surprised her that she even could laugh anymore, but Devony was like a healing balm. "I know he's not," she agreed. "Did you have fun with him though? I bet you liked seeing lots of new places."

Devony launched into an explanation of all that she and Derek had done. A few times he had let her eat ice cream for dinner, and when he was super busy sometimes he let her watch surgeries from the gallery, something Addison had rarely allowed. Addison also heard about all her other new friends: Unca Mark, Grawmpa Richie, Callie, Izzie, Georgie, Miranda, and, most of all, Tuck.

Interposed between Derek's many flowers and the chocolate, stuffed animals, and balloons of other well wishers that decorated her room were numerous pictures. Addison could not tell what all of them were, but Devony showed her them, explaining which ones were done by her and which ones were done by Tuck, Miranda Bailey's son. Most of Devony's pictures featured Addison, Derek, Devony, and Evelyn as an angel, although some showed a baby brother or sister as well.

It was the best welcoming gift she'd ever been given, and the terror and dread that had frozen her heart began to melt in earnest.

* * *

~ Meredith ~

It felt good to finally laugh again, to light up the hospital that had a blanket of darkness covering it. She had poured so much effort into making her and Derek's relationship what she wanted that she hadn't realized they weren't working out. She and Finn worked well together, and she hadn't truly appreciated in her thoughtless quest for McDreamy. But McDreamy, the true McDreamy, didn't actually exist. Derek did, but he was not her storybook prince, and he didn't belong to her. He belonged to his very sick ex-wife and beautiful daughter.

She was captivated by the way Finn's teeth flashed when he smiled, by the glint in his eyes, by his kindness and understanding. She hardly noticed as Derek walked into the cafeteria, but when she did, she watched him. Addison's screams had not only haunted the man who loved her, concern and anxiety for her was felt by all. Both Addison and Derek had long paths to walk, but she was forging a new path that went in a different direction, and in the new life she would make she would no longer define herself by a man known as McDreamy.

"Where's Devony?" Meredith heard Izzie ask Derek as he fixed the coffee he purchased.

"Still with Addison," he answered.

"If you need any help, let me know," she said, and Derek nodded.

"I will. My mother and sisters should be here in a few days, but thanks." Finally, Derek looked up and saw her, and as their eyes met, she had ultimate confirmation that things had changed. There was no longer a ghost of jealousy in his eyes, or a hint of longing. As he approached, all she could see was acceptance and exhaustion.

"Dr. Shepherd," Finn said with a nod as Derek reached their table. "I'm glad to hear that Addison's doing okay. I thought you might be hungry, so I brought lunch for you and Devony, flowers for Addison, although it seems she already has quite the collection, and a picture of the deer for Devony."

"Thanks, Finn," Derek said, his eyes widening slightly. He looked too surprised to say anything else, but also grateful through his weary exterior.

Finn was looking between her and Derek, and as much as she wanted it to be over, for there to be nothing more to say, she knew that full resolution had not yet been reached. "I'll be right over here," he said, pointing at the table where Izzie and Cristina sat, and she nodded vaguely, sensitive to the unspoken words between her and her now ex-boyfriend.

"He's a good guy," Meredith blurted, to fill the silence. "He brought lunch for the ex-boyfriend of the girl who didn't pick him, he's a good guy."

"He is," Derek agreed, holding up the lunch sacks in affirmation. "I want to you be happy, Mer, whether it's with him or someone else. A lot of stuff happened, but I want you to know I'm still here … I mean, we can be friends if you want. Not friends like last time. But real friends, eventually."

"Maybe someday," she said with a small smile. "But I don't quite think we're there yet." This elicited a peal of laughter. "I hope you're happy too, with Addison, and that she gets better quickly and Devony gets to live with both of her parents. We did try, and I did love you, Derek."

"Yeah, me too," he said, but she could tell his thoughts were elsewhere, probably up with a woman who he could not yet touch, but who she knew he could heal through his goodness. "I have to go check on Addison, I just came to get coffee," he told her after a few seconds of awkward silence. "See you later, Mer."

* * *

~ Addison ~

She and her daughter had created a small, protective bubble of comfort, but that bubble burst as soon as the door slid open. Addison involuntarily sucked in her breath. She still remembered the door to the warehouse opening, a tiny portion of light spilling in for a few brief seconds, and then the terrible, damp darkness.

Eventually her eyes would adjust, and she could see them moving about like twisted insects, scuttling back and forth between the bodies littering the floor and their precious drugs. Her body would be bumped and jostled by women so starved they were barely human, fighting tooth and nail for the water they dripped out of a hose and the old tortillas they threw casually out into the sea of bodies. Sometimes she joined them, if she was strong enough. Other times the bite of a needle would interrupt her fantasies, and her heart would beat faster and faster until the drugs took their effect, either enveloping her in silky darkness or coloring her thoughts in rainbows and crystals until coherent thought was nearly impossible.

And some nights, if she was really unlucky, she would feel a brush of cloth and she would know. A dirty, grubby hand over her mouth would follow soon after, the other brushing aside her ruined, tattered clothes easily …

But no. Addison wretched her mind away from the poisonous memories seeping through her skull. That had happened, but it was no longer happening now. Devony was truly in her arms, it wasn't just a dream. And the person at the door was Richard and another vaguely familiar dark haired doctor, not the bastards who had nearly killed her. She forced her clenched muscles to relax.

"Oh, Addie," Richard sighed as he saw her, the pity that was becoming all too familiar present in his eyes. She tried to smile at him but failed utterly, her mouth twisting into what would better be described as a grimace.

"Richard … I need to know …"

He understood what she was asking. Richard would not sugarcoat the truth of her injuries, like Derek would involuntarily do, and she didn't feel comfortable asking anyone else. "Addie, it's pretty bad, although there shouldn't be any permanent damage. But before Dr. Torres over here does _me _a permanent injury, you need a cast on that leg."

She couldn't feel the pain, whatever meds flowed through her bloodstream prevented that, but she did remember … _them _… breaking it. Slowly she sat up, her muscles almost too weak to support her, mindful of the brace holding her pelvis in place. It allowed her to sit up but kept the bones perfectly aligned. With shaking hands, she slowly pulled down the sheet, like a butterfly emerging from its chrysalis for the first time. What was underneath was far from the beauty of a butterfly, however.

Addison gasped and swallowed, tears stinging her eyes. She wondered if she could ever wear any of her dresses again or if she would be comfortable ever being naked around anyone again, because the damage to her body was terrible. She had figured she looked awful, but not this bad. Bruises of every color decorated her skin, ranging from black to blue to purple to green, visible even through her thin hospital gown, some larger than baseballs, some forming blotchy patches on her skin. Cuts and scrapes were distributed nearly as evenly as the bruises. White bandages covered the worst of it, including the places they'd cut into her to save her life, but she could imagine the scars already forming underneath.

Her broken leg was in a hard white splint, and she remembered the flash of pain as one of them broke, and the excruciating feeling of trying to walk on it at a gas station in a desperate bid for escape. Worst of all, though, were the bandages between her legs. She shrank away from Richard and Dr. Torres as they approached, holding onto Devony tighter. She knew she'd been raped and violated, but visible, tangible proof of if just made it that more real. She was an OB/GYN, she'd seen it all before – if it was bad enough that they had to bandage her, she must have had severe vaginal tearing, brought about by numerous rapes.

She shook so hard her body nearly vibrated. Addison didn't want anyone to touch her, if they did she thought the memories would truly take her over again and not let her go.

"Shh, Addie, it's okay now," Richard said soothingly. "You've been through more in the last few months than anyone should be, but you're okay now."

Addison looked away from Richard, and down at the sheets, ashamed. She knew that it wasn't her fault, and that she wasn't supposed to feel ashamed, but she still did. And what tortured her more were the sounds from the other women that she'd been unable to save. Her eyes burned, and she bit her lip, trying to keep from crying. "It wasn't just me, Richard. There were so many others . . . with families and people who loved them. They were hurt just as badly, some worse, than I was, and I couldn't do _anything._ I fell asleep to the sound of them screaming, when whatever crap they put in me actually allowed me to sleep. And I heard the nurses talking . . . they said that they'd found most of them and they were dead. And they said that they were trying to sell us as prostitutes."

"It's over now, Addie. It's almost over, I promise," Richard told her, and she wished she could believe him. But how could it be over when dreams of those men and what they did haunted her even when she was awake?

Before she could put this question to words, however, Dr. Torres cleared her throat and Richard said quickly, "Right . . . your leg. I forgot. Do your thing, Dr. Torres."

"What color cast are you getting, Mommy?" Devony asked from by her side. She had a tight hold on Addison's arm, as if her mother would disappear again if she let go, but she craned her neck to see what Dr. Torres was doing.

"I … I don't know, baby," Addison choked out. There was a reason she wouldn't let anyone but Devony touch her: Devony's hands were small, tiny, and warm, but any other hands evoked memories that were best left deep in the darkest recesses of her mind. "Why don't you pick," she said to distract herself. At this point, she didn't even care if Devony picked bright pink.

Addison could tell Dr. Torres was trying to be gentle and respectful as she carefully wrapped Addison's leg first in soft, firm white bandages up to her knee. "You broke this just above your ankle, so if you stay in bed, you won't have to have a full leg cast," she told Addison kindly, and she was vaguely aware of nodding, but much more aware of exactly how thin her hospital gown truly was. She longed for this ordeal to be over, to be able to curl up under the sheets, away from prying eyes, and never move again, but she tried to keep calm for Devony. Her daughter shouldn't have to endure any more fear or soak in any more knowledge far too advanced for her three years of age.

When she was done wrapping Addison's leg in white, Dr. Torres held up several colors for Devony to choose from. "Tell Dr. Torres what color you want Mommy's cast to be," Addison told Devony.

"Callie," Dr. Torres corrected firmly, and Addison once again attempted to smile.

Devony's eyes roamed over the cast packages, between electric green and neon orange and dark purple, finally settling on bright blue. "Blue!" she said, pointing at it excitedly, and Addison felt, for the first time in a long time, a true smile spread across her face.

* * *

~ Derek ~

In the months since Devony had first appeared, walking through the hospital with the same amount of confidence as any doctor, the people trailing behind her waiting to tell him the news that would change his life forever, Derek had experienced an overabundance of emotion. First shock, when he learned the raven haired child wreaking havoc on the surgical floor was his and that his ex-wife was missing. Then fear as he tried to be the father he'd somehow never gotten the chance to be when Evelyn died, and fear that when Addison was finally found, she would be dead. Disappointment and frustration as the months passed without any news, and an all-consuming desperation and sadness when he learned about the other dead victims. Joy when she was alive, relief when he could watch her sleep, deep concern when he heard her scream in the nightmares he could not save her from.

Now, however … now, standing at her door and watching her jump at loud noises and shudder while Callie casted her leg, Derek's predominant emotion was anger. Hearing her injuries repeated out loud every day during rounds was bad enough, but seeing them was a whole different story, and Derek battled furiously with the nausea rising in his stomach.

He had always hoped, always believed with all his heart that Addison would live, but now he wondered how she had. He was a doctor, and he thought he knew the limits of human beings, the maximum that a body could take before it gave out. For the first time, he truly appreciated what a miracle her survival was.

This fact, however, did not cause jubilance and gratefulness, but rather a rage such as Derek had never felt before. It was directed at the men who had hurt Addison beyond belief, and in that moment, Derek would have given anything to be allowed to hunt them down. The police were still looking, but Derek's personal involvement gave him an edge they didn't have. He warred with himself, wanting to be there for Addison but also wanting to run and rant and scream and _do something. _

He would personally inflict every injury his ex-wife had suffered on those men, multiplied by ten. They would feel his fury as well of that of the families of so many innocent victims dead. They would … but no. As much as these thoughts were tantalizing, he had a promise to keep. He had promised himself he would never leave Addison's side again, that she would be his number one priority for the rest of his life. His place was here. So Derek swallowed his anger and walked into the room.

The soft light illuminated Addison's still silhouette as she finally laid down, a bright blue cast now encasing her leg. The hospital gown she wore did little to conceal her skeletal form, and Derek breathed in deeply, still battling his anger.

Callie and Richard melted out of the way when they saw him, and Derek approached Addison's bed. Her eyes, brilliant blue chips of fear and panic when they were open, were closed. Devony, however, looked up at him from beside her mother, confusion lighting her eyes, and Derek knelt and carefully lifted her.

"Mommy is very glad to see you, Devony, but she needs to rest now, okay?" Derek asked her softly, and she nodded, still looking down at her mother. She reached one tiny arm down over Derek's shoulder, and he bent down one more time so she could brush her tiny hand against her mother's bruise covered one. Soulful blue eyes met his, and Derek didn't want to leave her, but he knew a three year old could not hear the things he and Addison were about to discuss.

"Why don't you ask Richard or Callie to get some ice cream with you?" Derek suggested in a whisper, and Devony nodded reluctantly. "If you ask nicely, maybe they'll take you to the place across the street where they have birthday cake ice cream. How does that sound?"

"Okay, Daddy, but I need a kiss first," she said, and Derek obliged and then set her gently on the ground. She ran to take Richard's hand, pulling her sweater tighter around her shoulders over her ribboned sundress. "What kinda ice cream do you want, Grawmpa Richie?" Derek heard Devony ask as they left, and Richard looked back once, an unreadable look in his eyes.

"Is this real?" Addison after a few minutes of silence spent in the chair by her bed.

"What?" he asked; startled. "Yeah, Addie, you're really here. It's real, I promise." He knew her best. He had no idea how to deal with what she was going through, but he had best chance at trying to. He had known, for fifteen years, her deepest, darkest secrets. No person could truly understand the darkness that was Addison at this moment, but he had to try.

"I keep thinking this is another dream. That I'll wake up and be back there again and this will all be gone. I used to dream about . . . you while I was there. Sometimes I was so high on drugs that I didn't even know it was a dream."

Silence met her confession as Derek struggled with his emotions. "I'm so sorry," he whispered finally. "You'll never know how sorry I am that that happened to you. But you're safe now. It may take you a while to get used to it and believe it, but it's true."

"Sometimes I feel like it's my fault."

"You know that's not true, Addie."

"Yeah, but sometimes I do think it. Maybe God is punishing me for being an adulterer."

Derek's eyes, which had been roaming her face, met Addison's as she finally opened them. "Don't you ever think that again, Addison," he said fiercely. "It was _not _your fault and it didn't happen because of anything you did. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. But nobody is punishing you, Addison." How he longed to touch her! How he longed to be able to say something, anything that would make a difference! Would she feel safer in his arms? Could his touch take the nightmares away?

She nodded, he suspected, to placate him, but it seemed she still secretly harbored a few doubts about that. "I still see them. I can't see their faces, because I never did, but they whisper to me in my sleep. They chase me and touch me and Derek . . . I'm scared. I see that place in my dreams and it looks so real."

Her words tortured him. Derek, if he was perfectly honest with himself, liked things he could fix, not things he had no idea how to remedy. Being a famous brain surgeon did not endear you to helplessness when it came along. "I'll be here," he finally offered. "You said once, a long time ago when we were first married, that I kept the bad dreams away, so I'll be here. I'm not sure if it'll help anymore, but it's all I can think of. They'll fade in time. And you should consider maybe . . . talking to someone. It could help."

She was silent after this, but Derek found it extremely encouraging that she was talking; best of all that she was talking to _him. _Once he had feared that they would never talk again. How quickly life could change! And how quickly she painted his dull, monotonous life in emotion and feeling and love once again!

She needed to know that she wasn't alone. She needed to understand that he was going to be there with her every step of the way. He opened his mouth, but was unsure exactly how to phrase his feelings.

"What is it, Derek?" she asked, as if she knew he was about to speak. She didn't sound annoyed, only unbearably weary. Her eyes were closed, but Derek could see them moving beneath their lids.

"I know you're tired, Adds, so I'll make this quick. I love you. I love you and I have always loved you and I will always love you. I know that's near impossible for you to believe, considering the way I acted. But I'm going to be better, and I'm going to make it up to you. Meredith isn't in my life anymore, at least not like that. I made a terrible mistake, but I'm hoping you'll find it within yourself to forgive me. Whether you do or not, I'm going to be here, taking care of you. Nothing you say will stop me. I will never leave you again."

She didn't move, and Derek wondered if she'd fallen asleep, or was pretending that she had. When she finally spoke, she sounded as if she had the whole world on her shoulders. "I always loved you, Derek. Always. Even when you did the things you did. But I thought that that was a one-way thing. You never called me once in the last four years. So why should I believe that you love me now? Why now? Because I almost died and I'm sick; something you can fix?"

"I didn't come after you, Addie, because I thought that was what you wanted. I wanted you to be happy, and I thought you were, without me. I didn't want to disturb you and hurt you again."

She was silent again. Then, "That was why I didn't tell you about Devony. I thought you wouldn't want her." Her voice broke at the end, and Derek barely restrained himself, wanting to take her in his arms and kiss the tears away. But she'd probably smack him. Or kick him with her bright blue cast.

"I would've wanted Devony. Of course I would have. And if I'd had even an inkling that you wanted me too, I would have been on a plane in a second. You have no idea how many times I looked at plane tickets to New York. But I wanted what was best for you. I know it's hard to believe me and give me another chance. But can you think about it?"

She sighed. "Fine. You can be here, or whatever, and maybe we can be friends. But that's it. I want Dev to know her dad and I want you to be a part of our lives. But if I'm ever going to trust you with my heart again, I've got to be surer than anything else in the world. So you can have your chance. But I can't stand being hurt again, Derek. I don't know how I'd survive. So you better mean it." It was the most she had spoken to anyone, probably in a very long time, and he treated each of her words as if they were made of gold.

And she was going to let him be there, going to let him prove himself! She didn't hate him, she was forgiving him. "I mean it more than anything before, Addie, except our wedding vows. Now get some sleep, okay?"

Their faces, for the first time in over four years, were only inches apart, and Addison didn't flinch away like she did when others were near her. Despite her earlier sentiments, Derek realized that she did trust him, probably more than she realized. After fifteen years of being Derek and Addison, the feelings still lingered. And he felt confident in that moment that they would get back what they once had.

She would dance again in the sunshine, holding his hand, if he had anything to say about it. She would fall asleep with her head in his lap again, exhausted from endless surgeries, if he had anything to say about it. And someday, she would complain about her expanding belly because she was once again carrying a child of his, if he had anything to say about it.

Derek leaned forward slowly, his arm bracing himself against the side of her bed. As their living, breathing bodies drew closer, Derek could feel the old feelings heating up once again. He felt again what had drawn him to her on that cold night at med school once again. And although the fear would not leave her eyes for a long time, she was letting him be near her.

He was close enough to feel the warmth radiating from her, to see every cut that marred her face, to feel her slightly accelerated breathing. He closed the distance and pressed his lips against her forehead, just under the white bandage that was a result of her brain surgery. It was the first time he had touched her and she had allowed him to, and he felt a familiar jolt of pleasure and connection. She closed her eyes, looking finally peaceful, and he pulled away, not wanting to push her too far.

A few minutes later, the sound of matched breathing came from the man in the chair and the woman in the bed. Though a few inches separated them, their heads were turned toward each other in their sleep, and briefly all was well.

* * *

**Well, we had some sorta fluff there at the end, huh? Addison allowing Derek to touch her and kiss her forehead was a step for her. And we had some MerDer closure. So review, and I'll start writing the next one after my nap :D**

* * *


	20. Chapter 20

**My Never  
Chapter 20**

**Today is a super bad day for me ... so I won't drag you down with my depressing thoughts. I do want to say that you are all excellent readers and reviewers, though.**

* * *

Addison ~ Seattle Grace ~ present

The world sparkled, glittered, glowed, and she flew through it like she weighed less than air. The brightest of colors stood out, and events reeled by like they were on instant replay.

She and Devony stood in the kitchen of the brownstone making brownies. Addison thought it was a good thing to bake for Christmas, although she wasn't sure that adding eggs, water, and oil to brownie mix exactly qualified as baking. But then she remembered what had happened when she'd tried to make chocolate chip cookies from scratch and sighed. She and Devony ate a _lot _of takeout.

White flakes of snow obscured the winter wonderland outside, and although the Christmas music was cheerful, Christmas had become her least favorite holiday instead of her favorite. Derek's absence was too noticeable during Christmastime.

"Can I taste, Momma?" little Devony asked, standing on her tiptoes in order to see the chocolatey batter.

"Sure," Addison replied, sticking her finger in the pan and offering it to her.

"Now you taste," Devony commanded, mimicking her actions and holding her finger out to her mother.

"Yum, you did a good job," Addison told her with a smile, but it was an empty expression. She couldn't help wondering how things would be different if Derek was there. She and Devony were happy in their beautiful New York world, but the space next to Addison was always vacant, drawing attention to Derek's absence.

But as much as she thought about Derek, she was sure he was not thinking of her. Maybe he and Meredith were married now; maybe Devony even had half brothers or sisters she'd never met. The temptation to fly out to Seattle and see was overwhelming, but she remembered the results of her last trip to Seattle, that hadn't done any good.

"I did do good job. But why we have to take the eggshells out, Momma? They were pretty," Devony said, and Addison bestowed a smile upon her daughter. Then she glanced at the calendar; they were supposed to drive to Derek's mother's house for Christmas in a few days …

The scene melted away and morphed into something new, the white of snow turning into the green of grass, and the house around her disappeared …

The spray of water hit her face as a peal of bell-like laughter sounded from above her. Central Park came into view, the brilliant greens predominant in her vision. A much smaller Devony giggled as her mother twirled her around the fountain, her hands outstretched toward the pure blue sky. Somewhere across that azure expanse Derek existed, although the sky he saw was probably decorated with falling raindrops …

And once again the vision changed, this time darkening, the images twisting into more sinister forms …

And she was on her back in the warehouse where she'd spent the worst five months of her life. At first she was alone in the shadows, but slowly the men began materializing from smoke all around her. Their menacing smiles came into view as they came closer and closer, like predators stalking an animal that knew it was surrounded.

When she screamed no noise came forth, and she discovered her throat was too sore to make any noise at all. Her limbs were too heavy to move, and excruciating pain shot through her body as she tried to clamber to her feet.

There was no one there, no white knight to save her, no smiling Derek to chase the bad dreams away. The men seemed to grow as they approached her, and she knew what came next although she wished with all her strength that she didn't. They were faceless except for the smiles visible underneath their hoods, and Addison closed her eyes before realizing they were already closed …

She turned her face toward the stone below her and laughter sounded around her. A cold hand touched her shoulder, and one of them crouched beside her as the others looked on.

"Don't!" she managed to squeak out, and laughter echoed throughout the warehouse again.

"Oh, Addison," the man sighed, and in this context she didn't realize there was no way he could have known her name. "You know you deserve this, so why fight it?"

She tried to back away, to crawl into the shadows, but it felt like she was trying to move through molasses, her body utterly betraying her.

"Derek," she moaned, but they all shook their heads.

"Derek isn't here now. He doesn't love you, and he doesn't want you. Who would?" he asked.

"Nobody likes adulterous bitches who cheat on their husbands," another told her.

"You're pretty, though, Addison, so I suppose we could find some use for you …" one of them laughed, and they all leaned closer, reaching for her ruined clothes and she was finally able to scream …

"Addison! Addie! Wake up, it's okay!" someone was saying, and she opened her eyes to see Derek's handsome face in front of her. But Derek wasn't here, was he? Where was she?

And then her hospital room came into focus: the soft light filtering through the glass walls of the ICU, the vivid, dazzling colors of the flowers, mostly lilies, surrounding her, Derek in his navy scrubs, bent over her where she was nearly falling off the bed.

Derek gave her a questioning look, his head cocked to the side, and she nodded in response to his silent query. He gave her a sympathetic look that Addison barely saw because it was chilling to fall so easily back into their wordless conversations that were built on absolute understanding of each other.

"You were trying to get up," he said quietly, and she noted the tangled blankets and her proximity to the edge of the bed. "But with your broken leg, pelvis and ribs, recent invasive surgeries, and muscle weakness, I didn't think you'd be able to support yourself. Plus, I don't think sleepwalking is recommended for critical patients."

His attempt at humor was lost on her, and she watched as his eyes traveled down the thin silver chain around her neck to the wedding rings now exposed by the neckline of her hospital gown.

"You're wearing your wedding rings?" he asked, wonder present in his voice, and she blushed because she knew he'd probably thrown his away. He extended his hand to catch them, and the chain pooled in his palm as he lifted them up to examine them. He was grinning again. "You know, within the first five seconds of meeting you, I was determined to get you to marry me," he laughed.

* * *

Columbia University ~ 16 years ago

Addison swore as the wind blew her papers out of her hands, dropping her books on the ground also as she bent to grab the papers. It was late Friday night and she was supposed to meet Naomi and Sam to go to some party they insisted that she attend, but she had gotten caught up finishing a lab and she was late.

The light shining above her illuminated the snowy hill in front of her, making the ice sparkle. She was so concentrated on the scene that she didn't notice someone kneel beside her and gather up the papers.

"Is this a habit of yours? Dropping things?" the man teased with a grin as he handed her a stack of slightly damp papers and books, but she couldn't answer, could only stare. Usually Addison was very confident around men, but something about him brought back the geeky-ness of high school and early college, and she blushed.

Wavy black hair, perfectly styled, framed an attractive face currently wearing a slightly arrogant expression. She was soon lost in brilliant blue eyes, the color of the sky of the brightest day of summer, and as he smiled even wider she felt butterflies erupt in her stomach.

"Addison, right?" he asked, and she managed a nod. "Well, Addison, you're staring. That must mean you like me. Can I take you out?" he asked cockily, as if already anticipating her answer.

"I don't like you," she said as she finally found her voice. "You're arrogant. And I barely know you. I don't date men I don't know."

"I'm Derek. Now you know me," he said, straightening and pulling her up with him.

"How did you know my name?" she asked suspiciously.

"We're in a few of the same classes," he told her, his voice casual. "And I've been watching you. I tried to ask you after class several times, but you were always headed to the next one. Very academic, aren't you?"

"I guess," she admitted with a shrug.

"So how about that date, then, since I've been waiting to ask you for so long?" he said, and she rolled her eyes. She had to give him some credit, he was certainly persistent.

"I'm not dating you," she said firmly. Yes, he was hot, and his arrogance wasn't entirely unwarranted, but she knew his type. Boys like him had teased her all throughout high school.

"Coffee, then?" You look cold, beautiful."

"You don't give up, do you?" she observed.

"Please?" he asked, his puppy dog eyes disarming.

"Fine, but –" she started, but he interrupted.

"Ha! You said fine!" Derek yelled in triumph, and she fought a smile.

"I was _going _to say I promised I'd go to a party with my friends."

"Forget your friends. I'm much more fun to hang around with. You'll love me once you get to know me," Derek said smugly, and again she rolled her eyes.

"Alright, coffee. But coffee does not count as a date," she said, trying to retain a bit of dignity.

"Whatever you say," he whispered, leaning in close, and the butterflies in her stomach started a war.

One hour talking at the coffee shop just off campus turned into two, and two into three, until she realized it was six in the morning and she and Derek had been talking all night. Apparently he'd had his eye on her since they'd watched a procedure over the same cadaver. He had four sisters, a dead father, a mother who was the best cook in the world, and a best friend named Mark. She told him, in turn, about her absent, alcoholic, career-obsessed parents, her whore of a brother, and her desire to be a surgeon, and found she had more in common with him than she'd ever suspected.

When the sun rose, flooding the coffee shop in light, she finally left, saying her best friend would kill her. "I thought you said you weren't going to date me!" he called as she backed out the door. "I would definitely call six cups of coffee and talking all night a date, Addison Montgomery!" and she blushed as she glanced at him one last time before leaving, not knowing he was already imagining their life together.

* * *

Seattle Grace ~ present

"I was trying to imitate Mark, you know," he said, still laughing, caught up in the memories just as much as she was. "He always got the girls, so I tried to act like him, but I blew my cover the next weekend when we went to Central Park and I played catch with those two little boys."

"What went wrong with us?" she asked spontaneously, and shrunk back as he studied her intensely.

"We both made mistakes we knew better than to make," he said, and when she pondered his answer she found it to be true. "I still have my ring too, you know. I always had it, even though I didn't wear it. It's in my tackle box," he told her, and she gasped because she knew that Derek and his dad had made it together not long before he died. "It's with me every time I go fishing."

"I hate fishing," she reminded him, as if a few years apart could make him forget the little pieces that summed up into her, into Addison.

"I know. I had to have some way to take you with me though, didn't I?" Derek asked, and she wondered how this man could break her so utterly and then begin to glue her back together when nothing else could. Despite his declarations of love, however, a large part of her still suspected that this side of Derek wouldn't last. She wanted it to, but she had learned long ago that simply wanting something in her life did not guarantee it would happen, in fact, it often caused something completely opposite. And she honestly thought that if Derek left her again, the fragments of her shattered heart would never be repaired.

"You can sleep," he whispered, and this time when his hand inched toward hers, lying limply on the covers of her hospital bed, she let his fingers touch her. It was so light she could barely feel it, his pointer and middle fingers barely grazing the back of her hand, but it made her heart pound. They both turned to look when the beeping of the monitor accelerated, and Derek grinned when he realized he was causing it.

The degree of love she saw in his eyes was frightening, because it could elevate her to the top of the world but also push her down to the depth of despair. The intensity between them, buried for so long and just now breaking free, scared her because she'd been feeling too much lately, her mind still felt fragile, as if thinking or feeling too much would overheat it and cause failure.

So Addison closed her eyes, and she hoped that perhaps the smallest contact between her and Derek would keep the nightmares at a manageable distance, because his hand was still touching hers. It was a long time, so long later, that Addison heard the door slide open. She was barely awake, almost sleeping, or maybe she was sleeping and it was a dream.

"How is she?" came the voice of Izzie Stevens.

"Sleeping," Derek whispered. She could still feel his hand on her hers, and his other gently laced in her hair, being careful not to nudge her white bandage.

"Dr. Grey . . . Meredith needs you for a consult." Addison heard the rustling of fabric and guessed that Izzie was holding out a clipboard. She prepared for Derek to leave her, for the cold and dark to flood in from all angles.

"I can't right now." _What? When have I ever heard Derek refuse an excuse to leave me?_

"It's a pretty important case. She requested _you _specifically." Izzie's tone was calculating.

"There are plenty of other very capable doctors around this hospital. Tell Dr. Grey to ask one of them. Addison needs me most, and I'm not leaving her." His words were heaven, and the gentle waves of sleep finally overtook her.

* * *

~ Derek ~

Exhaustion weighed down on him like a ton of bricks, but he tried to dismiss it, because she was still so fragile and she needed him. A surgery with Meredith was easy to turn down, but fatigue's creeping, insistent fingers were much more reluctant to loosen their hold on him.

It was silly, really, because as an intern he'd stayed up for days on end with coffee as his only sustenance. But now coffee or food of any kind sounded extremely unappetizing, he felt so weak he could hardly move, and all he wanted to do was join his ex-wife in slumber. But he couldn't, because he was so tired he was worried he wouldn't wake up in time to help her if she had another nightmare.

Addison shifted slightly in her sleep, spilling red hair all over his extended arm, and he watched her, concern tinting every moment he cherished in her presence. She was so fragile, he doubted he would have to be more careful even if she was made of glass, and yet even though he was barely allowed to touch her he knew he was falling again, falling just as fast as the first time. He'd always been in love with her, he'd realized he'd never stop when she made her exit almost five years ago now, but the love he'd hidden in exchange for temporary feelings for Meredith were returning in full force.

She was like a flower whose delicate petals were wilted as a result of abuse and neglect. Derek could only hope that if he watered love and affection onto her, it would help emotional injuries as well as physical ones, because she was in bad shape in both ways. All her surgeries had gone well, her broken bones were on the mend, but there was just so many _hurts _that he wasn't sure which needed to be soothed the most.

But his love shone brighter every day, like a rapidly expanding star. Some would have called Addison's day to day progress slow, nearly inexistent, but he was able to see it all, see the fight against death and destruction and depression taking place within her, and he loved her all the more for it.

Her pale skin had taken on a slightly healthier hue, the circles under her eyes fading fast, the cuts scabbing over and the bruises turning from deep black and purple to blue and green, and then to yellow and nothingness.

Every word spoken to him was precious, every expression documented and treasured, every inch she allowed him to scoot closer prized. As Derek mulled over the memories, assessing them and filing them away in his collection of all the times, good and bad, of DerekandAddison, the calmness that overtook him pulled him closer and closer to sleep.

When she was better, when she could stand and walk and run and leave the hospital, they would be Derek and Addison and Devony this time. They would dance in the sun and kiss in the rain and he would never choose work over them again. Delightful imaginings of the life he hoped would come finally pushed him over the edge and he joined the love of his life in dream-world.

When he woke, he could tell many hours had passed, and he was surprised to find Addison's room full and his back resting against a cot that had apparently been brought in for him. Devony and Tuck sat on the edge of her bed, demonstrating their best three and four year old behavior. Still, Derek noticed an air of mischief about them, and wondered exactly what they had done this time. Richard and Mark were both in chairs by Addison's side, and she was watching them chat, occasionally adding a comment of her own, and Derek deduced that they were talking movies. Izzie sat near Devony and Tuck, knitting a fuzzy lavender scarf that Devony could not keep her eyes off, except when she was watching Alex, who was doing magic tricks with a quarter for Tuck. Callie stood behind Mark, her hand suspiciously resting on his shoulder, and Derek made a mental note to grill Mark later about what was going on with that. Miranda was talking to Adele off to the side, George chatting with Cristina and, to Derek's amazement, Meredith.

He smiled, thinking for the first time that it would truly be all right. Not right this second, nor this hour, probably not even this month, but as Addison turned to him, a small smile gracing her features, he knew in his heart that someday it would be. Although she was not ready to reveal to everyone all that had happened to her, they were here in support anyway, letting her know she was not alone. She was still withdrawn, he could see it in the tense set of her shoulders and the way her eyes darted back and forth, but like he said, it was getting better every day.

"What are you thinking about?" she whispered to him when Richard and Mark's conversation turned to sports.

"You," he answered truthfully. She did not react visibly, only studied him more closely, and Derek wondered what exactly it was that she saw. She still looked so small tucked into her white hospital bed, so vulnerable with tubes and machines surrounding her, so broken judging by the expression on her face.

But she answered, "I'm thinking about you too."

* * *

**Okay, I'm having a super awful day. My hermit crab, Melvin, died and then my iPhone randomly decided to quit on me. I wasn't going to post today (more like go cry) but I decided that I shouldn't take my bad mood out on my fanfics.**

**Also, I just wanted to let you know that Blue October's new album, including the song 'My Never,' where I got the title for this story, is finally out. It's called Approaching Normal. Yeah, I think that's it for today. Hope your day has been better than mine! :/**

* * *


	21. Chapter 21

**My Never  
Chapter 21**

**Thanks, everyone, for all the sympathy about my awful day. Sometimes you just have those days, you know? Anyway your reviews mean the world to me! :D Sorry, I know it's been a little while. I had a little trouble with this chapter, but it's done now. So what are you waiting for? Read!**

* * *

Derek ~ Seattle Grace ~ present

He was worried that he was failing.

Perhaps he had overestimated his abilities, or underestimated the damage done to her. It was torture to think it, to even be able to fathom it, but what if she was never healed? What if she always smiled the broken, dead smile he saw nowadays? What if her eyes were always empty, dark memories growing like weeds, wreaking havoc on her already fragile state of mind? What if, what if, what if?

Derek allowed himself an instant of weakness in which he buried his face in his hands in front of the microwave. It was not that he minded caring for Addison, in fact, he couldn't think of anything he'd rather be doing. He was hyperaware of how lucky he was, because every morning the news featured more stories of other victims who had been found dead.

The embers that had smoldered, hidden, for four years apart were reigniting, reminding Derek of all the things he loved about Addison. Some were things of the past, like her killer heels and tough-as-nails demeanor. But others, the most important things, the things that screamed Addison, were things she could never loose. The way she asked Alex about the babies in the NICU, offering up advice when possible, the way she put on a brave face for their daughter so Devony didn't have to be any more scarred by this experience than she already was, the way she could look at him and see past all his bullshit and pretenses and know exactly what he was thinking.

Even half dead in a hospital bed, nobody could compare.

The beeping of the microwave roused him, letting him know that life went on while he stood there like he was made of marble. He opened the microwave unthinkingly, hurriedly, only focused on getting back to Addison. "Shit! Ouch, ow!" Derek yelled as burning sauce spilled all over his hand when he dropped the piping hot container. "Dammit," he muttered as he bent to clean it off the floor and salvage what was left.

He'd made the sauce himself, from scratch, to go over Addison's favorite mushroom ravioli. So carefully concocted in the trailer last night, with Devony's eager assistance, half of it now coated the floor of the attending's locker room.

Leaving her alone in her hospital room to face the demons of her nightmares was like physically ripping open his chest and pulling his heart out. But he was only human, and much as he tried to deny incessant needs such as food, rest, and even oxygen, he was of course unable to.

"_You're not God, Derek," Addison had laughed once upon a time._

"_Excuse me?"_

"_I'm sorry, honey, but you're not -"_

"_Wait, did you just call me honey? Don't call me honey!" he'd snapped, jaded beyond belief that she had the nerve to use such an endearing term, although deep down he knew it was only habit._

"_Fine, you're not God, Dr. Shepherd," she'd corrected while rolling her eyes._

But he would be, for her. He'd resurrect legend of old and decipher their secrets so that he could stay by her side, always. So he could protect her and never let her fall again.

"Shepherd, Addison wants you. She – holy shit, what the hell happened?" Richard asked, poking his head inside the door only to see his star neurosurgeon covered in red.

"It's just sauce, Richard," Derek told him tiredly. "What was that about Addison?"

"She woke up while you were gone. Izzie and Alex were in there, just checking her stats, but she didn't recognize them at first and freaked out. They tried to calm her down, but … she fell out of the bed."

"Shit," Derek breathed.

"Yeah. We had to get another CT, to check out her head since she just had surgery … but we had a hard time getting her to leave the room."

"Why?" Derek wanted to know.

"Why do you think, Derek?" Richard asked, as if it was obvious. "She wants to be Addison the best neonatal surgeon in the damn country, not Addison the kidnapped rape victim."

Derek ran a hand through his hair, trying to gather himself enough mentally to deal with what had happened to her. It was a fight he was constantly losing, a fight not to go insane every time the pain and humiliation made her eyes overflow. He followed Richard mindlessly, trying not to dwell on Addison's fragility, which rivaled that of glass. How long before she shattered?

"Addie, are you okay?" he asked as the door to her ICU room slid open, revealing her emaciated form propped up on several pillows.

"Yeah," she said hoarsely. "Tell Izzie and Alex I'm sorry, will you? I didn't mean to fight them, or to fall, but I didn't realize it was them at first …"

"Hey, hey, it's okay," he soothed, walking quickly to his chair by her bed, where he spent the majority of his time these days. "They understand. I made you something," he said with his best McDreamy smile when she displayed a lack of reaction, and unearthed two bowls of the ravioli, placing one on her tray and one on his lap.

"Mushroom?" she asked, and he nodded.

The significance of the gesture would have been lost on anyone else, but much as she loathed admitting it, Addison was a terrible, burn the toast, destroy the kitchen kind of cook. When they dated, Derek always cooked, and he continued to do so throughout most of their marriage. However, in later years when the walls began to crumble and the hospital became more his home than his own house, him not cooking had been the first sign of the deterioration of their marriage.

"_I'll always take care of you,"_ he had told her so many years ago. He had been determined to do the things her parents never did, to light up the girl who never smiled unless someone else was around. Him leaving her to her own devices in the case of food had been the second crack in the foundation, Evelyn the comparatively larger first.

Addison surveyed the bowl silently, as if she had forgotten how to eat. He shuddered to think of what her kidnappers had fed her, or even if they'd fed her at all. It was pitiful watch her gingerly pick up the fork, hand trembling, and try to feed herself.

"Here," he said, leaning forward to stab a ravioli on the fork for her. Her movements were slow and jerky, the entire process of eating almost painful, but Derek observed attentively; ready to help where he was needed.

"Why aren't you eating?" she wanted to know when she looked over and saw his full bowl.

"I'm not hungry, I don't really feel that good," he admitted."

"You can leave if you want to," she offered, and he guessed the true meaning behind her words. He didn't have to sit here and help feed her shipwreck of a self.

"I'm not leaving, Addie," he said calmly, and although he'd told her the same thing many times now, he knew he'd have to say it many times more before it truly sank in. They sat in silence as minute after minute ticked away slowly, both unsure of the future they were heading toward.

Finally she spoke. "It was dark."

"Sorry?" Derek asked, bewildered by the out-of-context sentence.

Addison inhaled deeply, and then winced as her hand flew to her ribs. She seemed to be struggling to speak, to find words, and Derek didn't find out why until they'd started down a path on which they could never retrace their steps. "It was dark, that night. In LA. I was tired and hungry and I missed Devony and you and I was just trying to get to my rental car …" Here her voice broke, and Derek was struck again by the unfairness of it all. Why Addison?

This was not a discussion he ever really wanted to have, but he knew Addison needed to have it, needed to release some of the poisonous memories lurking inside her. Hearing her talk about being beaten and abused and touched and raped was one of the hardest things he ever did, harder than hearing about it from other people or seeing her injuries himself. He wished there was a way to shield her, to force a barrier between her and the ordeals she'd endured, but none existed. All he could do was listen in agony.

"And … I was almost there. It was dark, but the streetlamps were on, and when I walked under one this guy came up behind me. He said something suggestive, I don't even know what anymore, and in my impatience to get away I didn't realize there were others behind me, just waiting for me to turn around."

He just nodded, sensing that it would be hard for her to continue if she was interrupted. "And one of them hit me and I fell and then they were all doing it and it hurt so bad that when the darkness came I welcomed it. I tried to get away, but they were so strong and they just laughed. And before I blacked out, I remember wondering … if you would care. If you would notice that I was gone."

A soft clanging sound filled the hair, and he realized it was from her shaking hand bumping her spoon up against her empty bowl. He wanted desperately to say that of course he would have noticed, but it wasn't true. He hadn't found out she was missing until a month after she was taken, when the daughter he'd never met showed up in the hospital, overturning the life he'd carefully crafted out of desperation, infatuation, and denial. So he let her continue spinning her sad tale, guilt slowly rotting his insides until he literally felt nauseous.

"When I woke up, I was lost, and for the longest time I couldn't remember what happened, and I was alone. But then they noticed that I was awake, and they crawled into the back of the van. I tried to stand up, to fight them off … but they broke my leg. It was so easy for them, they snapped it like a twig, and then they laughed, because somehow my pain was really funny … And we drove for a long, long time. I pretended to be asleep most of the time so they would leave me alone, but sometimes they'd wake me up on purpose. Sometimes they'd try to make me scream. Sometimes they'd touch me, even when I was sleeping, and I could feel it even in my dreams …"

Each word was torture, anger overtaking him like an unstoppable flood. Although crisp white sheets covered her, he knew her body was covered in bruises. He was trembling just as violently as she was now, but while Addison struggled to find the strength to go on with her story, Derek tried to dissuade himself from punching a hole in the wall.

"The warehouse was worse," she whispered, and he had to lean in closer to make out her words. "It was Mexico, so the warehouse was hot in the day and cold at night, and it was so humid that the air felt as thick as honey … sometimes I could barely breathe. They gave us just enough food and water to keep us alive. They say you can only live for three days without water, but that's not true. I know they didn't always give us water every three days."

"I was scared, the first time, because it felt like I had lost control and was suddenly flying through the sky. I never did drugs, Derek, but eventually I realized that was why they poked us with needles every couple of days. They're terrible, they turn your thoughts into twisted nightmares and make everything so sharp and glittery … and they make you powerless, too dazed to fight or flee."

Here she paused, and Derek knew the bad part was coming, and there was no way for him to avoid the rapidly approaching storm. It was horrible to have to hear her reliving it, but if she'd been strong enough to experience it, he could be strong enough to hear about it. He hadn't held her hand since the first time she'd let him, almost two weeks ago, but when she relinquished her death grip on the bowl and her hand fluttered towards his nervously, he knew it was what she wanted.

Their skin connected, forming a link between souls. And Derek discovered it wasn't only Addison who had get through this and heal, they had to do it together. It was the only way. They were too weak on their own, mere mortals when apart, but together, there wasn't anything that could ignore their love. Old love and new love, endurance and rebirth, flowed through him as surely as it flowed through her. After waiting for her for months, years really, Derek was ready to accept it, ready to rebuild what they once had. But Addison was nowhere near ready. She had to stitch herself up before she could open up to him again.

Still, unrecognized as his love was, it enabled her to tell him the hardest thing he ever had to hear. "They were busy selling their drugs during the day, but at night? That warehouse became the ninth circle of hell. The only way I can explain what happened is that to them, we must have been less than human, because they were unaffected by the screams of their victims. I heard them screaming while they were raped, Derek, because they weren't gentle. I know from experience. I wish I didn't know. But I do."

He would have given anything to spare Addison from having to tell him what she said next. He also wondered how she'd be able to tell anyone else, because how could anyone who understood her less achieve the modicum of comprehension he did? "The first time, I woke up in the middle of it. I knew it would happen eventually. I can't decide if it was better that way or not. There were lots of them, I don't know how many, taking turns. I also don't know why they needed a gun; it wasn't like I could have done anything to stop them. Sometimes it was just such an effort to breathe. And I woke up and I could feel him in me and inside I was screaming … and that was only the first one. I don't remember all of them, or how many times they did it, or even their faces, because sometimes I was unconscious. But somewhere along the way, I think I died."

"But you aren't dead, Addie," he reminded her gently, trying to conceal his sudden alarm.

"No, Derek, I'm not. But I think my soul might be."

"Please don't say that, Addison. You have no idea – _I_ die a little more each time you say something like that! You can heal from this – you can recover from it!"

"Are you sure?" she asked skeptically.

"Of course I'm sure," he said in a voice that boded no argument. He would not let Addison defeat herself before she even tried.

They could not undo that which time had already woven. But he could melt the fear that entrapped her in hope of a better future.

* * *

~ Addison ~

Was he really there to stay? Could she truly trust in that? Because if he left again, he'd be leaving behind irreparable ruins of a person who had slowly wasted away. Hurt the first time he left her, damaged the second, dead the third. If there was no Derek, who would push away the darkness? She'd been doing it for so long that it had built up resistance to her. Derek was a good person, radiating life and love. Without him, she would be utterly destroyed.

She wanted to believe they would never be separated again, save by death in the last days of their lives, just like she wanted to believe she could heal. But wanting to believe and actually being able to did not walk hand in hand, one did not guarantee the other.

And she still remembered what it was like without him, all the times she needed him and he wasn't there.

* * *

New York ~ 7 months ago

Rain fell softly on the streets of New York, creating shimmering puddles in the dim light cast by streetlamps. Addison clutched Devony tighter to her chest, trying to juggle the three year old and her bag as well as keep them both as dry as possible. Carrying an umbrella was out of the question, and unless she woke Devony up so she could walk, which she was loath to do because her daughter was sleeping so peacefully, there was no avoiding getting wet.

Finally mother and daughter made it out of the rain and into the brownstone, the warm air and scent of old Chinese food, products made in Devony's Easy Bake Oven, and kid shampoo rushing out to meet them. She thought about waking her daughter then, but after an impossible day at the hospital she didn't think seeing _him _in her eyes would make her night any more bearable.

_Why? _she would occasionally demand of whatever god existed. Why did _Derek's_ eyes have to light up Devony's angel-worthy face? Every time she looked into those heaven colored orbs she saw her ex-husband, and the memories were so painful they loosed her grip on life just a little bit.

She'd adjusted, changed over the four years since leaving Derek. The liquor in the cabinets was replaced by juice boxes, caviar by fruit snacks, and the once spotless floors were littered with Devony's many toys. Instead of spending her Saturdays reading the latest medical journals or at the hospital, she spent them playing fairies with Devony in Central Park, or dolls in her princess themed room. Derek's side of the sink was taken over by her daughter, and bubble gum toothpaste took the place once held by shaving cream, and earrings and hair things poked out of the drawers instead of Derek's plethora of hair products.

That didn't mean that his nonexistence in her life hurt any less.

Sighing, Addison began the long trek up the stairs of the brownstone, praying that the sound of her heels against the marble would not wake Devony. She managed to get to the softly lit lavender bedroom, decorated like a princess's castle in the hopes that Devony's prince, unlike her mother's, would actually love her.

Devony woke as Addison pulled her lime green boots off (she was always dressed the best of any kid) and felt for Pluffie. Once the giraffe was located, Devony watched as Addison hunted for pajamas in her white dresser. But when it came time to actually put them on, Devony demonstrated her stubborn streak. She had never been an easy child, blessed or cursed, whichever way you looked at it, with Derek's pigheadedness and Addison's strong willed, commanding personality.

"No, Mommy, I don't want pajamas."

"Come on, Dev. They're footie pajamas, your favorite," Addison coaxed to no avail.

"No. I don't want to go to bed. I want to stay up forever and ever," she said, flashing the smile that more often than not resulted in her getting her own way.

"Sorry, baby, but it's eleven thirty at night. You have to go to bed," Addison sighed.

"No!"

"Pluffie is tired. Pluffie is walking toward his bed," Addison said, walking toward the bed with Pluffie in her hand. "The sun is sleeping, and it's time for you to sleep as well."

"But the moon isn't sleeping, Mommy. I want to stay up with the moon."

"Devony Montgomery Shepherd, I said time for bed," Addison said in a firm voice. She hated to reprimand Devony, to deny her more things than just her father, but that was the impossible line all mothers walked. How much to give, how much to take.

"Mommy, no!" Devony whined as Addison carefully undressed her. She struggled, and Addison tried to hold on while still being gentle.

"Dev, please," Addison begged, at the end of her rope after a full day of surgeries. She'd operated on a baby named Evelyn, and the baby lived, but she was still unsure how she'd lived through it without Derek.

"No!" Devony said, giving one final pull and tumbling away from her mother, grinning as she rolled all around the floor. "You can't catch me, Mommy!"

Addison fought the tears building up in her eyes, but eventually she could restrain them no longer and broke down sobbing. Devony watched, surprised, as Addison sank down beside her, tears making deep black streaks down her cheeks. She was sure Derek would have known what to say to get Devony into bed, but Derek wasn't there. Only she was.

* * *

Seattle Grace ~ present

Loud giggling interrupted her reflection of times minus Derek, and the object of her recollections ran into the room, black curls flying as she and Tuck ran in to hide behind Derek.

"Dev, what did you do?" Derek asked in slight horror. She and Tuck only smiled innocently, and Addison found herself smiling as well, knowing that whatever they had done couldn't have been good.

Two sets of eyes rife with mischief, one pair brilliant blue and the other warm brown, peered around Derek's legs as Richard, Mark, Miranda, and Izzie entered the room.

"Tuck! What has Mommy told you about drawing on Dr. Richard's surgery board?" Miranda scolded.

Tuck only grinned, revealing pearly white teeth to his mother.

"We drew lots of things," Devony announced, and Addison groaned in playful dread. Devony had the same ability her father did: to diminish the darkness surrounding Addison just with her presence. "Gwampa Richard's board looks much prettier now."

"We drew flowers and animals and Spiderman and princesses – I didn't want to draw the princesses, but Devony said I had to," Tuck informed them.

"Who was supposed to be watching them?" Derek wanted to know.

"Unca Mark," Devony giggled. "He fell asleep, so we made him pretty."

"What do you mean you made him pretty?" Addison asked cautiously, and actually laughed out loud when Mark turned to her and she saw lipstick smeared all over his face. Everyone turned at the sound of her laugh, and even she was surprised. Still, telling Derek her most sinister secrets had had a liberating affect – now that they shared the burden, it seemed much smaller and easier to bear.

"Yeah, look what your kid did to me. She's more of a troublemaker than you were," Mark muttered to cover up the awkward moment.

"I'm not a troublemaker," Addison protested.

"Ahem," Richard said. "Let me think, you and Derek as interns: held a party in the basement of the hospital, started a drinking contest on hospital property, TPed my office, tried to fix up patients together, had sex in every on-call room in the building … I know there's more I'm forgetting."

"What did she do to you?" Mark asked Izzie.

"Oh, uh … nothing. I just came to tell Addison that a Bizzy Montgomery is here to see her," Izzie said nervously. Clearly, she'd met Bizzy.

The light, playful mood evaporated instantly, and Mark, Richard, and Derek exchanged bleak looks. Addison felt like she herself was about to throw up – she hadn't seen Bizzy since she burst into the brownstone the day after Derek left, telling her how ridiculous and stupid she was, never mind that Bizzy herself had had several affairs. Not to mention that Addison had never told Bizzy that she had a granddaughter, hoping to protect the little girl from both her grandparents.

"It's okay, Addie," Derek said after a quick conversation with Mark, who left to presumably get rid of Bizzy. "You don't have to see her."

"Yes she does," said a voice from the doorway, a voice that had routinely told her over the years what a failure she was and how she wasn't good enough. Bizzy walked in, clearly enjoying the effect she'd created. She shook her head when she saw Addison, and all the old feelings of inadequacy came rushing back. "So. You're alive," she said, and Addison was unable to answer through swamping shame and dislike.

The only good thing about the situation was that she'd had the sense not to bring Addison's father.

"Is that Cruella de Vil?" Tuck asked upon seeing Bizzy enter the room, designer labels complementing perfectly coiffed white curls.

"No, that's my bad grandma," Devony answered.

* * *

**So, I know it wasn't the most exciting chapter ever, but Derek and Addison had a lot to deal with. Things really pick up in the next one! Anyway, I'd love to know what you thought!  
****One a side note, has anyone ever seen the movie Three Below Zero? I found it on YouTube at like three in the morning last night … or this morning, really, I guess. Anyway Kate Walsh is in it (which is why I watched it) and it was made in like 1998 … and yeah it was a strange, strange movie.**

* * *


	22. Chapter 22

**My Never  
Chapter 22**

**So sorry about the long wait for this … This chapter is mostly just filler, kind of a transition chapter, setting up what's going to happen next. Also, I think I should put a warning: Addison examines some of her darker memories in detail, and there is description of rape and torture. It's not too graphic or anything, just be forewarned.**

* * *

Derek ~ Seattle ~ present

He'd always been the good guy, the knight in shining armor, even before he was crowned 'McDreamy.' So wanting to punch a woman was an unfamiliar impulse for Derek. There was no question that Bizzy Montgomery made the list of top 10 people he hated most in the world every year, but this was a new low, she'd finally gone too far. How, after her daughter had been kidnapped, missing for five months, raped and abused, and had almost died, could she simply say, _"So. You're alive."_

Who did stuff like that?

Tuck's assertion that she was Cruella de Vil was not really so far off the mark. The best thing she had ever done for Addison was probably leave her alone. Yes, it had resulted in a lonely childhood, but at least Addison wasn't as monstrous as her mother.

Addison had shrunk back against the pillows, somehow even more dwarfed by the big white bed. It looked like she was trying to keep as much distance between her and her mother as possible. Not out of fear – even after all she'd been through, Addison didn't back down – but for the simple reason that she just wanted to be left in peace for a little while. She was constantly being poked at, having bandages changed and fluids taken from her, her ICU room was in the middle of all the action.

But her feelings about her mother were clearly being overshadowed by confusion, and Derek remembered that Addison didn't know that Bizzy had ever met Devony – it had been him who told her who Devony was when she called him.

"How do you know her, Devony?" Addison asked. Of course, her first concern was for her daughter, not herself. Despite the silver spoon that'd fed her since birth, Addison was anything but selfish.

"Funny you never mentioned I had a granddaughter … I came out here when I found out," Bizzy snapped. Her eyes, crystalline in their hardness, bored into her daughter without a hint of pity.

Addison's voice barely reached his ears it was so soft, but it was not for lack of trying. He winced in sympathy as he heard her struggling to rasp in reply. "Why would I tell you?"

"Maybe because I'm your mother?" Bizzy's tone was sharper than a shard of ice.

"Yeah, you did a great job too," Addison said, and there was a little more strength in her voice, a little more fight, and Derek couldn't help smiling in encouragement, although she didn't look at him.

"Oh, stop with the pity party, Addison. So, you didn't live in a sugar-coated world as a child, didn't have the perfect family. So what? That's real life, and it probably did you good, realizing that life is not a fairytale. Not that it mattered, once Derek came along. Some prince charming you turned out to be," she said to Derek, but he had been rendered speechless. He did not know what such bitterness and hatred stemmed from, to inspire her to say what she did. "And look at your daughter! Look at the situation she's in now!" Bizzy said, gesturing at Devony. Everyone except Mark, Derek, and her had snuck out and Devony was rifling through her toys, seemingly unaware of the argument. But Derek knew better. She was hearing every damaging word.

He watched Addison's hand grip the side rail of her bed, clinging to it like it was her last tie to sanity. Addison didn't need this. How did months of suffering constitute more suffering? Why couldn't the world leave her in peace to search for fragments of her shattered heart, and somehow find a way to put them back together?

"How can you say stuff like that?" Derek asked. "After all she's been through – Addison's a great mother to Devony. Much better than you were to her."

"Poof, Daddy! You a frog now!" Devony said, distracting him from an angry glaring match with Bizzy.

"Okay," he said while his daughter stabbed him with a wand multiple times.

"Daddy, you're a frog! You have to hop!" Devony said, frustrated. When he didn't respond, she moved to Mark, waving her wand at his legs, which were the only part of him she could reach. "Poof! Poof! Unca Mark, you a fairy!"

"What would you know about it, Derek Shepherd? You've been out here with your ridiculous 12-year-old girlfriend, so stay out of it," Bizzy said, watching him closely to see how the mention of Meredith would affect him.

"Like hell I will!" Derek responded, stepping closer.

"I'd like to talk to Addison alone," Bizzy announced loudly.

"I don't think so," Mark snapped. He had been standing off to the side, eyes burning with fury, but he joined Derek in front of Addison's bed.

"Derek, Mark …" Addison protested weakly.

"She needs to recover, and you're not helping," Derek said, never taking his eyes off Bizzy.

"Poof! Bad Gwandma, you a cow now!" Absolute silence followed Devony's words, and Derek, despite the tension of the situation, barely restrained his laughter. "You have to say 'moo'"

"Be quiet, child!" Bizzy said loudly, and Devony pouted, tears forming in her eyes.

"Mommy, nobody will play with me. And my bad gwandma is a meanie!" the little girl said, running to her mother's side. Addison smiled and stroked her hair, but her eyes were riveted on the battle of wills taking place between him and Bizzy.

"I think you should leave now," Derek said to Bizzy, his voice menacing.

Bizzy's eyes swept the room, but Devony was attempting to do magic on the flowers, Addison was rolled over on her side, facing away from them all, and Derek and Mark stood, arms crossed, in front of her bed. "Very well," she said, sweeping out of the room, looking down her nose at them all. And although she disappeared down the hall without a trace, leaving only disappointment, anger, and unburied memories in her wake, Derek sensed that they had not seen the last of her. He began to believe Fate had a conspiracy against him, using grief and pain and fear to make everything harder.

"Addie," he said, moving to her side, but she did not respond.

"Come on, Dev. I'll be a fairy," Mark promised, a hint of reluctance in his voice.

"Kay. Your name is Toadstool, and my name is Sparkle Blossom Magic," Devony giggled happily, placing her hand in Mark's.

"Addison," he tried again, but still nothing. No reaction. Her slim form was completely still, her eyes open but seeing nothing.

"I think I want to be alone for a while, Derek," she finally muttered. He extended his hand to touch her shoulder, but she pulled away, so he stepped back. Worry dribbled slowly into his thoughts, and he walked slowly toward the door before it got so overwhelming that he would not be able to leave. Throughout this entire ordeal, or at least the portion he'd been a part of, she'd always wanted him. What torment would her thoughts put her through when she was alone?

But she said nothing more, so he left and lingered outside the door, peering through the glass that separated them. Mark joined him, and they stood watching over her like two guardian angels. Behind them Devony and Tuck played, and he envied them their naivety, their ignorance of problems without solutions.

"No! Your name has to be Rainbow Pixie Marshmallow!" his daughter yelled, and he was sure the surrounding patients did not appreciate the shrillness of her voice.

"No, my name is gonna be Mud Man!" Tuck argued back, and he briefly considered intervening before they got their fairy wands out.

"That's stupwid name!" Devony's annunciation and grammar got increasingly worse when she got excited or upset. Although her ability to read at a young age often made her sound much older than she was, she was still only three, although now approaching four.

"Rainbow is a stupid name!" Tuck argued, using a variation of his mother's famous Nazi tone.

Despite Devony and Tuck's loud argument, which was resolved when Tuck agreed to be Rainbow Mud Man, slumber eventually overtook Addison's exhausted body. Watching her sleep, without the nightmares … He tried with every fiber of his being to stop time, to freeze this instant in which she lived without pain, and he was finally there to watch over her.

When she was awake, though … every minute was a struggle, and while recovery was happening, she was gaining an inch a day, still, "She's a shadow, Mark, slowly wasting away … and I'm helpless. I can listen, and I can be there, but I can't take away what happened to her," Derek admitted to Mark, hoping his friend could cast some light on the situation.

"Actually, Derek … she's been fading for a long time now. Every time you snapped at her for no reason, every time you ignored her or said you didn't have time … she's been slowly falling apart, little bits being weathered away, for years now." Mark made an effort to keep his voice neutral, but Derek could hear strains of anger in it.

He opened his mouth to refute Mark's statement, but the truth rung so soundly in it that he was unable to. So he gulped and nodded, knowing he would have to accept his own fallibility in order to change and be what Addison needed. He could hardly remember what had transpired in New York, but his memories of how he'd treated in Seattle … he tried to hide them, conceal them, deny their clarity … but the truth was that ever since she had left, they had been restored to crystal clearness, their sharp edges chafing against his consciousness.

Calling her 'Satan', exchanging looks with Meredith in front of her, all those nights in the trailer. The trailer. He'd made her live in a metal tin in the middle of the woods. Stylish, classy Addison, with her designer clothes and walk in closets, in a trailer. And Devony, with her mountain of toys … Savvy had said she'd had a princess room in the brownstone in New York …

He pulled out his cell phone, turning away from Mark and the kids. "Watch them, will you?" he asked.

"What are you - " Mark began, but Derek waved him off.

"Just watch them."

"Dr. Shepherd, this is going to take a while."

Two hours later, Derek stared down at the house plans, slightly overwhelmed. He'd called a builder and a contractor and _demanded _that they come down to the hospital so he could get some house plans redone for his sick wife and daughter without being too far away from them. They'd ended up in the lobby.

"I'll pay whatever you want. I need it done in the next few months for when my wife comes home." _Ex-wife,_ his brain reminded him. She wasn't his wife anymore, but for some reason he seemed to have slipped back into that pattern of thinking.

He'd had a sudden epiphany as he'd stood by the window with Mark, pondering how he'd treated her. He was imagining when he'd get to take her home when he realized that home was still a trailer. Addison hated that trailer. He remembered the half-forgotten house plans. He remembered a house he'd seen in one of Devony's movies, a beautiful little cottage tucked away in the woods. Brown wood and stone, surrounded by rose bushes, a true fairytale. Addison would love a larger version of it. So he was building it for her.

"That's going to be costly, with a house this size in the location you described. How many months are we talking here, Dr. Shepherd?"

Thoughts of Addison's frail body upstairs surfaced. "Um, I'm not sure. We have at least three months, I'd say. Possibly more. And I don't care how much it costs. It just needs to be done and it needs to be perfect." The guy leaned back a little upon hearing the intensity in Derek's voice, but Derek didn't break eye contact.

"Well, we'll try to have an estimate for you in a few days. And we'll be out to see the property at the time we scheduled."

"Fine. That's fine," Derek said distractedly. He gripped the table as nausea overtook him, teaming up with exhaustion and trying to battle him down … but he would not lose. He could not afford to get sick now, not while Addison needed him.

* * *

~ Addison ~

There was so much she wanted. What she wouldn't give to live in a big beautiful house with Derek and Devony, alive and well and free from the haunting nightmares? What she wouldn't give to be the best neonatal surgeon again, saving babies and mothers every day? What she wouldn't give to chase Devony through the halls of the hospital, happy and free, just them together?

She wished that she had not sent Derek away, but there were some things she had to deal with. If she wanted the images of a happier future to someday be real, she couldn't just curl up and hide from the world. Derek, Mark, Richard … they would all say to give it time, that healing and reparation would come eventually … but patience, virtue although it was, had never been a strong point in her personality.

She couldn't walk, could hardly move, so Addison knew she had to tackle her emotional problems first.

Yes, she had been kidnapped, taken away from her daughter. Yes, she had been abused for her own disablement. She had been tortured for the sake of other's amusement. She had been … raped; it still hurt to think the word … for the pleasure of others.

It was easy to pretend that these events had happened to someone else, while she'd merely been observing, but that wasn't true, and eventually she'd have to accept it. She dived back into the memories, swimming in darkness and the stench of pain and desperation. Haunting screams filled the air, tugging at her heart.

They were innocent women, just like her, probably with their own families and their own lives. And much as she had wanted to save them, there was honestly nothing she could have done. Sometimes she wished she'd been a bit stronger, been able to lift her heavy head off the floor, able to shake off the lethargy and drug-induced coma … but it was simply not possible.

For a surgeon, accepting that non-action was the only course available … it was tough. Her brain rejected it. Because recognizing that she was helpless meant admitting that she had been a victim too.

And yes, she'd been violated in the worst way possible. That was easy to deny, because there were no present witnesses besides herself, and all but the most basic details escaped her. She could pretend it hadn't happened, but there was medical evidence that it had. When she thought about what they had done … well, she felt angry, and ashamed, and unable to understand how or why … except that somehow it had been her fault, somehow something that she had done had brought it upon herself.

In those deep buried memories, their murky blackness misleading … she'd been on a hard, cold concrete floor, her clothes so torn they were nearly nonexistent. They laughed, picking through the half-dead bodies, until they spotted her red hair. It drew them toward her like a siren's call, and they joked around in English, Spanish, and other unidentifiable languages before hands crawled all over her body …

Addison felt her eyes fill with tears; she did not want to think of this. But she would not get over it unless she did. She saw them looming over her, pushing her battered limbs and torn clothes aside, shoving her legs apart as easily as if she was a doll. And taking turns pushing inside her, each one hurting more, thrusting inside her until she bled, her fingers shoving against them weakly, the gun pressed up against her head.

Breaking bones, pulling hair, kicking her broken body aside … it was not treatment of a human, but of something less than that. The tears poured in earnest now, taking away a little of her pain as they dribbled down her cheeks … and it was a struggle, every day, to find the will to live …

"Addie?"

And he was there, her savior, and he ran to her side as she sobbed. It was simply impossible without him, but his touch reminded her that there was good in the world. The times of laughing and teasing in the brownstone had existed, and so had the mornings spent in bed, muted conversations accompanying the tingles of bare skin, and other long-past happier days.

"I want to dye my hair," she told him through her tears as he sat beside her.

"Addie, why?" He loved her hair, had always loved it, and used to run his fingers through it lovingly. But now he didn't, he rarely touched her, and she wondered if it was because he didn't find her attractive anymore or he was just being careful.

"Because. When they were looking for women to rape … they saw my hair … it's just so bright, I hate it!" she said.

"No, no, Addie, it wasn't your hair," he soothed.

"Then what was it, Derek? Why me, of all people? Why that night? Why that airport? What did I do?" She struggled to understand, thinking that comprehension would bring relief.

"It wasn't your fault, Addison."

"Then whose fault was it?"

"Not yours," he said, desperation in his voice as he tried to convince her.

"I must have done something … I didn't think my skirt was that short … maybe it was the shoes …"

"Addison, I'm telling you …"

"There's no one else, Derek!" she said, pulling away from him. "So don't lie to me! I did something, something to deserve this."

"It wasn't your fault, all right, Addison?!" Derek snapped, exasperated.

She was shocked by his harsh words, because McDouche had been absent since she got back, there'd only been McDreamy. But there was something about Derek … he didn't look well. His skin was cold against hers, the scrubs hugging his limp body unable to conceal his thinning physique. She wanted to ask if he was okay, but the iciness of his tone, had frozen her, bringing back the days of their marriage where she'd lingered in the hope that the real Derek would come back, but she was rewarded with the dark, dismissive version instead.

"I'm sorry," he said, burying his face in his hands. "God, Addie, I'm so sorry. I swear, I didn't mean to yell," he said.

She shivered when he reached for her, because _they _had yelled, the warehouse had echoed with it. Was this finally the return of the old Derek, the one that had ripped her heart to shreds with a single comment and then walked off to another surgery or Meredith Grey?

"I shouldn't have yelled. It isn't your fault, none of it is, and none of it ever was, okay?" Mournful blue eyes met his, and she couldn't help believing him.

"Sorry too," she muttered.

"No, no, you don't need to be sorry," he whispered.

"I just want it not to be real," she moaned.

"I know, Addison. I know." He hesitated, standing in front of her, and then peeled the covers back swiftly. Their eyes met as he reached for her, and he knew by her mere expression that she trusted him. He slid one arm under her legs, his strong arm brushing up against the tender skin under her knee and the roughness of her cast. His other cradled her back, strength and warmth emanating into her as he lifted her gently, careful not to aggravate her broken pelvis. And as he slid onto the bed beside her, her head bumped up against his chest, attuning herself to the steady rhythm of his beating heart.

Addison's breath caught as he pulled her closer, his arms encasing her in a stronghold which the darkness could not penetrate. Derek's eyes were closed, but he smiled at the inevitable increasing of her heartbeat as heard on the monitor, but she didn't mind, because here, she couldn't be touched. Here, cradled against Derek's chest, with one of her legs on either side of her, the feeling of his warm breath on the top of her head … here she was finally safe.

Derek her castle, Derek her sky … Derek, pushing the darkness away.

Derek kissed the top of her head, fingers stroking her scarlet locks lovingly, and he kicked off his shoes and pulled the covers over her thin hospital gown. And they both succumbed to the beckoning calls of sleep.

* * *

~ Meredith ~

She didn't mean to notice, did not even want to. She wasn't a masochistic person, and Meredith was only too aware that no part of Derek Shepherd belonged to her anymore. But old habits die hard, and after being with him on and off for four years, she couldn't help noticing.

Derek looked like hell.

Not in a normal way. Not in a 'the love of my life is severely damaged and abused and I have to stay up for all hours to help her' kind of way. No, while Derek was nowhere near as skinny as Addison, he had definitely lost weight, and his eyes had acquired a sunken look. At first she had suspected that he was simply working himself too hard, trying to take care of his ex-wife and daughter and surgeries at the same time, but now she knew it wasn't that.

Three times she'd watched him nearly fall asleep filling out post-op notes, standing up with the loud bustle of the hospital surrounding him. That was when she'd began to watch closer. He didn't eat, frequently stopped because he seemed dizzy or nauseous, and once she'd been sure he was about to faint.

So that was why she'd called this impromptu meeting.

"Dr. Grey, I don't have all day," Richard said, glancing at his watch.

"I know. It's just … it's Derek." She watched as Mark, Bailey, and Richard's expressions turned wary, displaying a mix of sternness and pity.

Mark Sloan had never exactly been known for eloquence. "Derek's moved on," he told her bluntly, his words and gruff voice slightly offset by the princess crown he wore, courtesy, she was sure, of Devony.

"I know. It really has nothing to do with me. It's just that lately, he's been … Well, I think something's wrong with him. I think Derek is sick," she said, and the weight of her words bore down on all of them. They knew, instinctively, that she did not mean 'sick' as in a cold or the flu. She knew wheels were turning in their heads, they had watched him walk, gripping the counter for support, and they were forced to acknowledge the truth of her words.

* * *

**Sooo … what is wrong with Derek? I've been hinting that something is up for a couple chapters …  
Well, anyway, I really hope you liked it, and I will get the next one out quicker. You can bug me until I do. In fact, if I get inspired I'll start it today ...**

* * *


	23. Chapter 23

**My Never  
Chapter 23**

**Thanks to everyone who has supported me throughout this story! Your reviews are amazing. I know that Addie's progress is a little bit slow right now, but I want to do her recovery justice ...**

* * *

Derek ~ Seattle Grace ~ present

Her hair was a bleeding sunrise against the colorless pillow, but her ashen face lit up when he moved Colonel Mustard forward three spaces.

"You're going the wrong way," she claimed.

"I am not. I almost know who did it," he insisted, although in truth he didn't have any idea. However, Addison had won the last five games of Clue, and he was determined to beat her this time. "Clue isn't meant to be played with two people," he protested.

"Shut it, Derek Shepherd. You're just jealous that I keep winning," she said, a ghost of her old smile gracing her face. He smiled back, and for an instant, they were the people they used to be, her the beautiful, brilliant know-it-all and him the lucky fool who somehow convinced her to marry him.

"I suggest the crime was committed by Miss Scarlet in the library with the rope," he said with false bravado.

"Oh, so you think I did it? Well, you're wrong about at least one thing," said Addison, showing him a card with the depiction of the rope. As she extended her arm, he noticed scars marring the thin skin stretching over her elbow, making the place where drugs had been forcibly injected numerous times. "Der?" Addison asked, eyes following his gaze and pulling her am back involuntarily.

Some days, like today, were good days. On good days, she was a shadow of her former self, and he was able to glimpse fragments of her personality shining through. But the bad days were intermixed in with the good ones, and they were the ones when she refused to speak, the ones where only he was allowed in her room, the ones were she still woke up screaming in terror. Her progress was delicately balanced on a fulcrum of fate, and the tiniest occurrence, he knew, could disturb it completely.

"I accuse Mrs. White, with the candlestick, in the kitchen," she said, reaching for the envelope lying on her tray and distracting him from his somber thoughts. "I win again," she announced with a grin, waving the card in his face.

He was about to express his incredulity and accuse her of cheating when their private utopia was interrupted by Richard sticking his head in the door. "Derek? Can I talk to you for a minute?" Richard's voice carried a hint of iciness, and Derek bit back a groan. He'd been confronted by Richard and Bailey two weeks ago, who demanded along with a threat of physical violence, that he get tested because Meredith had said he looked '_sick_.' Needless to say, he hadn't been happy. His life was none of Meredith's business anymore.

He vehemently refused on the grounds that he was fine, and that as a world renowned neurosurgeon, he could certainly take care of himself. They agreed to back off, but he had caught Miranda's eyes on him more than once, not missing his shaking muscles or drooping eyelids.

Maybe, in more normal times, he would have taken a few days off, but he couldn't. Addison couldn't leave the hospital, she was still in intensive care, and he hated to think what she would do without him.

But to his surprise, it wasn't an angry Bailey by Richard's side. Instead, Richard had been pushing the wheelchair of a girl in her early twenties. Chestnut curls spilled down her back, framing a pale, pretty face that was dusted with freckles. Confused, Derek looked from Richard's grave expression to the girl's unwavering chocolate eyes, and shivered slightly at the intense scrutiny he received.

"Derek, this is Casey Fitzgerald," Richard said, and Derek extended his hand automatically. Casey shook his hand firmly, and as she did, his eyes traveled up her bruised forearm, focusing on the damaged skin on the inside of her elbow, and he gasped.

He automatically began examining her more closely, noticing bruises on the side of her face that he had previously missed, and that her left arm was encased in a purple cast. "Nice to meet you, Derek," Casey said politely, but Derek couldn't speak. He thought he knew to whom he spoke, but he had to be sure, because the police had believed no one else would be found alive …

"You – you too?" he finally choked out.

"I, too, survived the same ordeal as Addison, if that's what you're asking," Casey said briskly. Mirrored in her eyes was the same pain that affected every aspect of Addison's life, and yet he could not help noting that Casey was in undeniably better condition. Addison's fragility was easily palpable, but Casey, in her youth and determination, had a backbone made of iron. Just like Addison had once had, before he broke her.

He hesitated. Would rehashing the details of her torture with this unknown stranger actually be beneficial? "I don't know," he said slowly.

"Derek, it would probably be good for her," Richard encouraged.

"Okay, as long as it's okay with her," he hedged. The truth was, sometimes he didn't know how to help her. He watched her struggle through emotions he would never experience, and work to somehow overcome what had happened to her, and he found that he was the helpless one, not her. There was no outlet for _his _rage, no relief for _his _pain, no way for him to make it all better. Maybe talking to Casey would really would be good for Addison.

"Addie?" She jumped when he called out her name, although she'd heard his voice say her name so many times. Addison, rolling it over his tongue the first time they met, and deciding it was quite possibly the most beautiful name he'd ever heard, at least until he learned his daughter's name. Addison, saying that name, his voice laced with reverence, on the day he asked her to marry him. Addison, whispering it as a mantra into her ear as they made love.

"You have a visitor," he continued, his voice full of false cheer. "This is Casey. She survived like you," he said, and watched as her eyes widened as Richard pushed Casey into the room.

"Hello, Addison," Casey said, and Addison offered up a wan smile in response. "Is it okay if I talk to you for a while?"

Addison's eyes darted to his, and then back to Casey. She nodded slowly.

"I'll let you two ladies talk," Derek said respectfully, leaving behind only an unspoken promise to Addison that he would be by her side the second she needed him.

* * *

~ Addison ~

It was strange … she had been so sure, so convinced that for some odd reason; she had been chosen to survive. That belief had resulted in what Derek identified as survivor's guilt, but in truth she had just needed someone to blame it all on, even if that someone was herself.

But now there was Casey, who looked far too young to have been exposed to the same horrors as she had … she was nearly forty, had been married and had a child, and lived life, to be succinct. But to think of some twenty-or-so girl living through it? It was hard to absorb.

"I'm sorry," Casey said, her voice ringing out through the room in contrast to Addison's hoarse rasp. "I didn't mean to interrupt anything. I just thought, if you had some time …" Their eyes met, and Casey seemed to be taking in her many injuries, both visible and not. "I mean, we don't have to talk about _it _if you don't want to."

Addison swallowed. It was easy to talk to Derek, because his love for her was present in every fiber of his being, and it would not be diminished, no matter what had been done to her or how she had been damaged. But opening up and sharing her darkness to someone else meant trusting them with a glimpse of her fractured soul.

But Casey had sought her out, presumably been flown into Seattle to see her specifically. "What do you want to talk about?"

"I guess I just wanted to let you know that someone is here for you, who understands," Casey said thoughtfully. "I mean, we're the only ones who know what the other is going through. But we can talk about something else, if you want. Who was that guy, Derek?"

"He's my ex-husband," Addison said.

"Damn, girl, why the 'ex'?" laughed Casey. "How'd you let a guy that fine get away?"

"Long story, but … well, we had some problems and couldn't work them out, and I left and we got divorced. I still loved him, and I had his child, but I thought he was in love with somebody else …" she trailed off and blushed, wondering why she was sharing her convoluted romantic history with Casey.

"He seems really committed now," she observed. "I need to find me a Derek. The only person I have is my sister … she's great, but she's only nineteen and she tries, but she can't fully comprehend what happened … I don't think anyone can until it happens to them personally."

"Do you ever wonder why?" Addison asked timidly.

"I try not to. Sometimes things just happen, and they affect our lives in ways we can't foresee … the worst thing in the world can turn out to be the best," Casey said.

Addison watched as confidence and happiness bubbled forth from Casey. There was something special about her, if she could bounce back like that, or maybe she herself had been too broken already, before the destruction of her life. Still … she had Derek _and _Devony now, not to mention Mark, Richard, Miranda, and get well cards from all the Shepherds (who promised to visit soon), Savvy and Weiss, and Sam and Naomi. Had it really taken such a catastrophic event to bring her and Derek back together? Were they really that stubborn, or was this simply the way it was supposed to be?

"How do you do it?" she asked. "No offense, but you seem fine. Even if I could leave this room, I probably wouldn't. And I can't … I see their faces everywhere, even in people I know."

Casey shrugged. "My parents died in a car crash when I was two, and I took care of my sister as we were shuffled from relative to relative. I guess I just learned not to let things affect me. Not that I don't see them too … but the thing is, Addison, I wasn't raped, or if I was, I don't remember it. Not at all. I remember the warehouse, sure, but that's about it."

"I remember all of it. Well, not all of it, but the particularly bad parts, and I wonder if it will ever go away so I can live a normal life again."

"I don't think it will ever truly go away, but it fades a little every day," Casey said. "What were you doing … before all this?"

"I was a neonatal surgeon in New York. It was just me and Devony, my daughter. What about you?"

Casey sighed, sweeping back her bangs impatiently. "Well, I was trying to get into law school. I didn't have much of a life, really. I'll probably go back, eventually. But you … you get better so you can help people like us, okay?"

Addison managed a small chuckle. "You're a force to be reckoned with, Casey. Good luck."

A male nurse appeared at the door and gestured to Casey, who turned back to Addison reluctantly. "I guess I have to go. But it was nice meeting you, Addison."

"Yeah, you too," she echoed faintly.

"Listen, you don't let that hot ex-husband of yours get away, you hear?" Casey asked.

"If you ever need anything …" Addison trailed off, feeling obligated to extend the offer to her. She was slightly amazed by Casey, there and gone so quickly, shrugging off the experience like it was nothing. Well, not nothing, but still, she was right. There were lives to be saved, while she lay in bed.

Casey was proof; there was a way to be okay after all this. And it would probably take her months, rather than mere weeks like the brave twenty-year-old. But she would do it, with Derek by her side.

* * *

~ Derek ~

"Daddy!" A whirl of flying curls, bright clothes, and the smell of bubble gum assailed him as his daughter launched herself into his arms. "Guess what, Daddy?"

He chuckled, tucking her against his hip as he continued through the halls of the hospital. He had no real destination in mind; he was walking only to be doing something. _Addison's fine, Addison's fine_, the rational part of his brain told him over and over, but he could not truly believe unless he saw it with his own eyes.

More than that, though, he had to do what was best for her. True, his heart swelled with love every time he looked at her, which made it difficult to leave her in a room where she could be terrorized by her memories, and it was difficult to brave the outside world without her, but her needs ranked number one on his priority list.

"What, baby?" he asked as Devony continued tapping his shoulder.

"Guess what I did at daycare, Daddy!"

"Do I want to know?" he asked with some trepidation.

Devony ignored this statement and plowed on. "Me and Tuck played zoo! He found a froggie at his house and then he snuck it under his shirt and his mommy didn't even see him, Daddy! And so then we made a home for the froggie, but some of the kids didn't like him. So the mean lady tried to take him away, but I said if she did, I would eat all the legos. And then you would be mad at her and fire her."

"That sounds like an exciting day. But you can't go around telling people I'm going to fire them," he said, trying to be stern but unable to be in the face of her innocent mischief.

"Why not?"

"Because you just can't."

"Guess what, Daddy," she asked a few second later.

"Hmm?"

"I love you," she whispered in his ear.

His heart swelled at the simple statement, and he clutched his daughter to him tightly, and he was about to respond in turn when his phone rang. "Derek Shepherd," he answered it.

"Hello, Dr. Shepherd. I'm calling to schedule a meeting next week to go over your house plans. We should have an estimate by then, and we're sending someone out to take a look at the land tomorrow."

"Great, thank you," he said as he entered the cafeteria and was subject to Meredith's not-so-subtle stares. He shot her a look, annoyed, he was not about to collapse in the middle of the cafeteria. "Let me check my schedule for next week," he said into the phone as Devony began kicking him.

"Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" Devony repeated over and over in a battle for his attention.

"One second, please," he said into the receiver, shifting Devony and holding the phone with his shoulder as he fumbled in his pocket for change.

"Cookies!" Devony squealed, pointing at them, and Derek nodded at the man behind the counter, who took his money and handed Devony two frosted bunny rabbit cookies.

"Yes, I'm so sorry. What were you saying about the … oh, okay. Alright, that sounds good. I'll talk to you …" He paused as the world spun, but continued walking, thinking of all the post-op notes waiting in his office. But they suddenly seemed far away, and he could no longer remember what he was doing as the corners of his vision were obstructed by fog.

"Daddy!" Devony shrieked, but he was falling, falling, falling …

* * *

~ Mark ~

He entered hesitantly, like one might a funeral, not sure if he was supposed to be in her room. Her husband and child were the only ones allowed inside without the presence of others, but neither Derek nor Devony were present and Addison hated being alone nowadays.

"Mark?" she called when she saw him standing irresolute in the doorway.

"Hey," he said with false cheer, and he worried that she could see right through him. But how else could he act? All grim and gloomy? Wouldn't that just make things worse? Who really knew what to do in a situation like this?

Well, Derek knew, but Mark thought that Derek was reacting out of pure love for Addison, just being whatever she needed every second of the day. There was no handbook for dealing with rape victims, no band-aid for those held against their will, and Mark Sloan was particularly inept with dealing with emotional crises.

Still, once upon a time they had all three been the bestest of friends, and such bonds took much more than multiple affairs and years apart to corrode. So he took Derek's usual chair by her side.

"How're you doing?" he asked. It was a stupid question, and he hadn't heard Derek ask it once, but he figured it was the best start he was going to come up with.

"Okay," she responded, and he had to read her lips to figure out what she was trying to say.

"You know, we're all here, Addie," he said randomly, searching for something to say. "We're all going to support you through this."

"Thank you, Mark."

"I know we have a past, Addison, and I just want to say I'm sorry for hurting you."

"I'm sorry too," she said, and with the exchange of apologies he felt their old friendship emerge out of the painful awkwardness. "Friends?" she asked, holding out her hand, and both knew no more needed to be said.

"Friends," he agreed with a grin. He opened his mouth to update her on the hospital's current gossip, and tell her about Callie, and reveal the sorts of trouble Devony had caused Derek, but his pager went off. "Sorry, Addie, I'll be back in a minute," he promised.

What he saw next would haunt him for years to come. Responsibility stared him in the face in the form of Devony Shepherd, and he lifted her, muffling her sobs against his scrubs, knowing that it was now his duty to care for her.

The surrounding crowd was thick, but he could just make out Derek's limp form, out cold in the hall of the hospital. Random words invaded his shock, "Got a pulse … collapsed … what could be? … just standing here, holding his kid …"

Devony clutched a cookie in an icing-covered hand, tears pouring down her porcelain cheeks as she watched her father be lifted onto a gurney. That kicked Mark into action. This man, who he'd known since they'd shared Derek's lunch in second grade (his mother forgot to pack him one), was now being carted off for tests, while his wife lay in bed, just as sick or sicker than him and his daughter watched in horror.

"Meredith was right," Richard Webber said, coming up beside Mark. "Damn it. Shepherd swore he was fine, that he was just tired … and now …"

"He'll be fine," Mark grunted with conviction. There was no other alternative. Derek had responsibilities, Addison, his daughter; Devony couldn't lose both her parents, not when Addison's sanity and health were suspended by a fine thread as it was …

"What should we tell Addison?" Richard asked, worry etched into every line of his face.

"We can't tell her. This would destroy whatever progress she's made. Because if Derek dies, then we've lost her as well." His words released a harsh truth that settled over both men and the little girl, who asked:

"Is Daddy dying, Unca Mark?" He had no answer.

* * *

**So, I feel like Addison and Casey's meeting was a little rushed ... but it wasn't really what Casey said that will affect Addison, it's how she's handling everything that inspires her to be stronger. And Derek ... I can't tell you what's wrong, only that I think it will be pretty surprising. It's not cancer, BTW. You're free to guess if you'd like, and if you do I'll give you a prize (or a hypothetical prize), but I seriously doubt anyone will guess.**

* * *


	24. Chapter 24

**My Never  
Chapter 24**

**Thanks for the reviews, everyone! I know Addie and Derek are in a huge mess right now but they will get out eventually ... I promise. **

* * *

~ Addison ~ Seattle Grace ~ present

There was something wrong.

Her first clue was the whispers in her sleep. When the stars melted, leaving the sky bleak and dark, and the shadows surrounded her, boxing her in, the nightmares that had lain dormant for weeks returned.

Her second clue was his absence. Derek had been her only constant in her recovery, and unmoving statue of peace, light, and hope. A part of her had worried that he would morph slowly into the old Derek, discarding her in favor of rare surgeries and intriguing consults. Now she worried that it had all been too good to be true. But how could Derek abandon her now?

Addison's third and final clue was the look on Mark's face when he settled to wait in the chair beside her, and later the look on Richard's whenever he passed her door. Everyone seemed to be avoiding her, like she had some sort of repulsive force emanating from her; even the nurses wouldn't meet her eyes.

Mark shifted in the chair, clearly uncomfortable, and frustration bloomed inside her: Did they assume she was too fragile to hear about whatever had happened? Yes, she had been broken, but she was still, to some degree, the person she'd always been.

"Mark?" she ventured from her spot in the bed. "Do you know where Derek is?" The moment she uttered the words, she knew she'd struck gold. Mark flinched and stared at his shoes.

His silence confirmed her worst fears. She was a fool to think it was real this time, that her hold on Derek could not be broken, that he loved her as fiercely as she loved him. Addison knew it wasn't exactly easy to be around her, and she had tried, since meeting Casey, to be stronger … but the truth was, on the inside she was in ruins.

"He left, didn't he," she sighed. "I always knew he'd leave again. Why reason would he have to stay?"

"Addison, Derek loves you," Mark finally answered. She could tell he was alarmed by her hysterical tone.

"Then why isn't he here, Mark? He promised he would be here and he's not. That's Derek, I guess. Good at making promises but lousy at following through."

"He didn't leave, Addie."

"Then where the hell is he, Mark? I can't do this without him!" she yelled. "I can't, I can't."

The look on Mark's face told her she had never been more wrong. "Derek's sick, Addison."

Darkness descending, pulling her down along with his words. Derek, sick? What did that mean? Surely, surely, Mark had made a mistake. Derek would walk in here, smile on his face, and kiss the darkness away. He would tell her about his latest procedure and the patient he had saved and their grateful family. He'd tell her about Devony's latest misdemeanors, because she couldn't see him for herself. He would talk away the fear, his honeyed voice healing mind and soul and body alike, knitting her back together like no one else could.

"He collapsed in the hall yesterday. We still don't know what's wrong. We've done all the standard tests, Addison, but there's just … nothing. We're getting some more in depth blood work done, and he's conscious but very weak."

Derek, her knight, struck down. The world slipped out beneath her feet, burying her, and she fell down, down, down. Until there was only blackness.

"Derek?"

_Derek?_

* * *

~ Devony ~

She stepped forward hesitantly, wide eyes searching for monsters in the dimly lighted hospital. Her mother had promised numerous times that they did not exist, but her eyes caught flickers of them hiding in the darkness, and she buried her head in the sleeve of her striped purple hoodie so their glowing eyes would not be able to see her.

"There are no monstwers. There are no monstwers," she whispered. "Pluffie, don't be scared." She cradled the giraffe. "There aren't any monstwers."

At the end of the hall, Unca Mark talked with Gwampa Richard and Tuck's mommy in hushed voices, about grown-up things that they wanted kept secret. In fact, they were so intent on their discussion that they didn't even see her as she slipped into her mother's dark hospital room.

"Mommy?" she called into the inky blackness, but she received no answer. Slowly her eyes adjusted, and she walked forward to the end of the bed. Her mother's body lay slumped to the side, facing for the wall and for one terrifying instant Devony thought she was dead … but then her chest rose and fell and Devony sighed aloud.

First her mother was gone, then she was sick and laid in bed all the time, and now her father was sick too. Was she next? How could they both leave her to be shunted from person to person throughout the day?

Devony edged around the end of the bed until her mother's still face was visible. "Mommy?" she whispered, afraid. Addison's eyes were open, and reflecting the dim light from outside, but she did not move or otherwise indicate that she had seen her daughter, standing right in front of her.

"Mommy, are you sleeping?" she asked fearfully, but then eyelids closed briefly over flecks of azure. "What's the matter? Mommy?" Her mother screamed in her sleep these days, but she always woke up, and was always ready to engulf Devony in a hug whenever she skinned her knees running at the trailer or was tired of waiting for Daddy to be finished with his surgeries.

"Don't you want me?" she asked. Her father had told her that her mother hadn't left because of her, and hadn't wanted to leave at all … but then why did she go? Why was she so scared all the time? Devony felt like there was a piece of the puzzle missing, that the grown-ups were keeping things from her, because her three-year-old brain just couldn't make sense of it …

She fought the tears pooling in her eyes, wiping her face on her sleeve impatiently, but they continued to pour. "Please, Mommy?" she begged, reaching out her hand to brush the thin cotton of her mother's hospital gown. "Mommy! MOMMY!"

Her yells alerted Mark and Richard, who came running. "What's wrong," she asked as Mark lifted her gently. "What's wrong with Mommy?"

* * *

~ Mark ~

As he lifted Devony Shepherd, trying to be careful of her flailing limbs, he realized he knew that it would come to this the second he saw Derek lying on the floor. It had always been the three of them, him, Derek, and Addison, and now he was the only one left to care for the child they had borne.

Sickness curled in his stomach, twisting it in knots, as he stared down at Addison's body. Throughout her ordeal, Devony had been the only one with the master key to her heart, and now she wouldn't, or couldn't, acknowledge her daughter. Her skeletal frame was frighteningly still, it was difficult to believe she was still breathing, and Mark realized she wouldn't move again until there was news of Derek's plight.

"What's wrong with Mommy?" Devony asked again, her small hands tugging on his scrubs.

"She's sick, Dev," was all he could think of to say.

"But why are Mommy and Daddy both sick? What about me?" The three-year old's sky colored eyes were wide, and Mark found that he had no answer for her. What about Devony? What would happen to her, in the absence of her parents, the only two people Mark had truly ever cared about, besides Callie?

"You're gonna hang out with me today," he said slowly, and although it was only a short-term solution, Devony seemed satisfied. She didn't have to worry about the vague, shrouded future he did. Must have been nice.

Devony ended up on his back, and he gave her a piggyback for the remainder of the day, which downsized his ego quite a bit. She was a high-energy child and easily bored and although he'd watched her before, usually Derek was there to help. And Derek was a natural who always knew what to say. He, Mark, rarely had any idea.

"Unca Mark?" she would ask, teenie little legs swinging in front of him. "If you was an animal, which one would you be?"

"A shark."

"No! Shwarks are scarewy!" she squealed, pounding her small fists on the back of his head in protest.

"Okay, fine. How about a bunny?"

"No, Unca Mark, you can't be a bunny!"

And so it went. The little girl asked questions about his patients, about past girlfriends, about his friends (she was surprised when he said he didn't have any besides Addison and Derek), about his favorite color (he didn't have one), about his pets (he didn't have any of those either.)

"Unca Mark, you're boring," she finally moaned. "Daddy is much more intwesting than _you_."

There finally came the moment when he had nothing more to do and no patients left to see, and Mark had no idea what he was supposed to do. Devony would hate the hotel where he still stayed and it wouldn't feel right to take her out to the trailer, where Derek was imprinted on every surface and sunk deeply into every seam.

He finally found himself outside Callie's apartment. Callie, he had a feeling, would know what to do. They had babysat Devony together several times before, and although this was a little different, he hoped she would help him out.

"Cal?" he called as he pounded on the door.

"Unca Mark, I'm tired," Devony whined from his back.

"I know. Callie," he sighed in relief when she opened the door.

She laughed when she saw Devony clinging like a monkey to his back, hands fisted in his hair. "You are in _waaay _over your head," she said, but moved aside to let him in. She had apparently been having dinner with Burke and Cristina, who were sitting at her table.

"Any news of Derek?" Burke asked in his deep voice.

"No," Mark sighed, setting Devony down on the floor.

An hour later, Devony was dressed in a t-shirt of Cristina's and fast asleep on the couch. He and Callie had managed to get her bathed, not, however, without getting very wet themselves, and Callie had braided her long, midnight hair. The child had apparently liked whatever Burke had cooked for her, and she fell right asleep after eating the ice cream that Callie had dug out of the freezer.

"I love kids," Callie sighed as she pulled the blankets tighter around Devony's sleeping form. "I mean, they're crazy and all, but I can see myself doing this."

"Right," said Mark doubtfully. But the funny thing was, he kind of could too.

* * *

~ Addison ~

It amazed her that time could pass, and yet it did. Her measurement of time, however, was not second by second or hour by hour, but rather by the vague observation of the hospital filling up and emptying out as the sun and moon chased each other across the sky.

It astounded her how every particle, every cell, every atom of her body seemed to need him. Derek was a lantern in the darkness that had become her life, and without him she couldn't find her way. Without him she couldn't heal, because without him she was afraid.

If she reached out of her cocoon of safety, the blackness would rush in, enveloping her again. She was aware of Mark and Richard and all the others, talking to her and around her, but it seemed as if they were speaking from the other end of a very dark tunnel, and she couldn't quite understand what they were saying.

Days, she wasn't sure how many, flew by. It felt like an eternity without Derek, although in reality it couldn't have been that long. She tried to tune out the voices, because they could carry bad news just as easily as good. If Derek died, she would fade and cease to exist also, because living without him wasn't truly living.

One day there were new voices, and Addison learned of the arrival of Carolyn, Nancy, Kathleen, Elizabeth, and Kristin when they entered her room in a whirlwind of sound.

"Oh my God, Addison," Carolyn said, rushing to her side.

"She hasn't moved since we told her about Derek," Mark's rumbling voice said from off to the side.

"Mommy is sick," Devony contributed, a hint of protectiveness coloring her tone.

"Addie, Derek will be okay," Nancy said soothingly.

"I sure hope you're right," Kristin retorted. "Cause if not …"

"Shut up, Kristin!" Kathleen snapped. "She's laying right there! And if you ever want her to, I don't know, _move _again, I suggest you …"

"Girls," Carolyn said warningly.

"This is so typical of Derek," Elizabeth sighed. "We finally make it over here to Seattle, and he's lying around in a hospital bed." It was a brave attempt to lighten the mood, but it fell flat, evaporating in the tense atmosphere.

"How were things going … you know, before?" Kathleen asked softly.

"Well …" said Mark in a hesitant voice. "It was mostly Derek who was with her, you know? Derek and Devony, that is, so I'm not exactly sure. Things were real bad at first; she screamed in her sleep and wouldn't let anyone touch her. But it was getting better, recently … Derek sure picked an excellent time to collapse," he said sarcastically. "Apparently the only reason that Addison was even remotely okay was because of him."

"He's been going for years and years," Carolyn sighed. "I told him to slow down, spend time with Addison, maybe start a family, but he didn't listen. It lost him his wife and child, and now it may lose him his life."

Silence settled over the room for several minutes, but Addison couldn't summon enough curiosity to open her eyes and see what was going on. Eventually she heard voices again, but they were muted, and she deduced that they had moved outside. She was afraid to fall asleep, because without Derek the dreams would surely come again, so she stared at the wall, imagining she could see patterns in its flat whiteness. But when those patterns turned to faces, familiar faces cast in shadow, she shut her eyes tight.

* * *

**Sorry, next time you will find out what's wrong with Derek. Nobody guessed it, but some people were kind of close ... anyway reviews = update sooner! :D**

* * *


	25. Chapter 25

**My Never  
Chapter 25**

**Okay, I have to say that I know that this has been rather angsty and depressing, especially lately. Hang in there. Things will turn around soon … possibly very soon.**

* * *

~ Addison ~ unknown location ~ present

Ash fell from the bleak grey sky, coating her and Devony's shoulders in soft grey fluff. Her daughter's hand was limp in hers as they both took in the scene in front of them: sinking sun, somberly dressed figures, and an open casket.

Her heart began to thump rather painfully, but, try as she might, she couldn't see who was in the coffin. The people around her wore identical black suits, their faces set in appropriate expression of grief for a person they barely knew.

"Excuse me?" she asked the man beside her. "But do you know who …" The man's colorless eyes lingered on her for a second before turning away. Panic mounting, Addison turned instead to a woman, walking quickly forward and pulling Devony along with her.

"Excuse me, but could you tell me whose funeral this is?" she asked. The woman gave her a strange, pitying look before slowly backing away. Her breath came unnaturally fast as she tried, fruitlessly, to get enough air in her lungs. And the people melted away, Devony included, as she sprinted forward toward the closing casket. She managed to catch a glimpse of Derek's still, cold face before the lid slammed shut and she fell to her knees in front of it, staining her perfectly tailored grey pencil skirt.

"No, no, Derek, no, please," she sobbed, tugging on the lid until her nails were bloody and ruined. "I need you," she cried, and she found that she was once again dressed in the flimsy hospital gown, and her leg was broken again, and she fell to the ground, her fractured pelvis unable to hold her weight.

Mist gathered in the corners of her vision, closing in, and a man appeared, his face hidden in shadow. "Who are you waiting for?" he whispered.

"Derek," she said, gesturing at the coffin. "My ex-husband. But I can't get the lid open."

"Derek's not here," he said.

"Yes, he is. I saw him, he's in there," she insisted, fingers scraping uselessly over the ice cold wood.

"Derek's not here," the man repeated, reaching out and throwing the coffin lid open effortlessly. It was empty. Addison stared down at the stark black velvet, where Derek's body had lain mere minutes ago …

"Where is he?" she asked, her voice a quavering warble in the frigid air. "I need him!"

"He isn't here. But we are," the man said, his voice turning dark with lust, and then he multiplied into ten, fifty, one hundred, and she backed up quickly, falling over the coffin as she screamed …

"Addison!" Her eyes flew open, blinking rapidly in the sudden light, and she discovered the arms restraining her belonged to Kathleen and Kristin, not her faceless nightmare terrors. In her hospital room, chaos reigned. Carolyn was attempting to calm a squirming, frightened, but no longer crying Devony, Nancy was interrogating Meredith, who had come in to switch her IV, Kathleen and Kristin had her arms pinned to the bed, Callie was looking for Mark, Elizabeth was yelling over the phone at her nine year old son, Ryan, Richard was trying to quiet everyone down, and Alex Karev was looking like he wished he'd never come in.

"Quiet!" Richard finally thundered, and there was silence. "What are all you people _doing _in here?"

"That's an excellent question," Nancy said, eyeing Meredith suspiciously.

"Nancy, lay off," Elizabeth snapped. "Derek broke up with her."

"Well, then what is she doing here?" Nancy demanded.

"How am I supposed to – no, Ryan, do not touch the lawnmower!" she shrieked into the phone.

"Does anyone know where Mark is?" Callie asked.

"He's with Derek," Carolyn answered. "Devony, honey, it's okay. Your Mom was just having a nightmare."

"Why was she scweaming? Was there monstwers?" the three year old wanted to know.

"Umm … Carolyn stuttered. "Kathleen, you're the shrink, what do I tell her?"

"Well, I'm kind of busy at the moment. Addison's being strangled by these sheets. Addie, can you please, please just talk to us?"

Addison opened her mouth, but before the words died in her throat and she turned away, sweaty and shivering, just wishing they would all leave.

* * *

~ Mark ~

Derek's face, although not near as gaunt as Addison's, had taken on an unhealthy cast, but there was still a hint of the boy who had put frogs in his sister's beds, had suffered through hours of football practice with him, and who had stood beside Mark, terrified, as their first patient as interns flat lined.

There wasn't much to be said, because while Derek was conscious and aware of Mark sitting beside him, his eyes were closed and his breathing shallow. And it was not so long ago that he'd been holding the paddles to his best friend's chest, hoping he wouldn't leave Addison and Devony behind, because if he did, he sensed Addison wouldn't last long and the bright, shining little girl would be orphaned.

He stood up, intending to go check on the silent Addison, when the door burst open and Preston Burke fell inside, breathing heavily. "We've got it," he said, gasping for air. "It was hard to diagnose, considering his symptoms are pretty vague. Weight loss, muscle weakness, fatigue, low blood pressure. But then we noticed his low levels of cortisol."

Mark racked his brain, trying to remember what exactly that was. He hadn't really dealt with anything besides Plastics in a long time.

"Cortisol is a hormone produced by the adrenal glands that regulates many bodily functions," Burke said. "Derek's body isn't producing enough, which seems to be being caused by the destruction of the adrenal cortex, the outer layer of the adrenal glands, by his body's own immune system. Cortisol can be replaced orally with hydrocortisone tablets. Derek should be fine, now that we know what's wrong, in no time."

Mark didn't say anything for a minute, digesting the information slowly. Derek was going to be okay, he should be jubilant, but instead all he felt was shell-shocked. "But why – what caused this? I don't understand …"

"It's the autoimmune form of the disease," Burke said.

Endless diseases, symptoms, patients cycled through his head, and when he finally realized what was wrong with Derek, his mouth fell open. "What … no. That-that's just …"

"I know," Burke said. "But it's true."

"Derek has Addison's disease. You've _got _to be kidding me."

* * *

~ Addison ~

Despite her earlier wishes, her room remained full of discordant voices, her head full of the endless things that could have happened to Derek. She wanted him, wanted, at least, to be allowed to go and see if he was okay, but he had to stay in his hospital bed and she in hers. She could have begged Richard or Mark, she supposed, but she couldn't make herself say the words out into the empty air. It was fear, irrational but present, that somehow _they _would hear her, and _they _would find her. Silly, ridiculous, yet so completely vivid, it killed the words as soon as she summoned them to her throat.

"It's not his fault, Nancy," Carolyn was saying sternly to her daughter.

"You would think he would have noticed something," Nancy muttered.

"He was never exactly observant," Elizabeth commented. "Look what he did to Addison while they were married."

"We're been over this!" Kathleen snapped. "Addison may not be saying anything, but she's laying right there!"

"And he _is _sick. He can't help it; he certainly didn't want or mean for this to happen," Kristin said in a placating voice.

"He," came a voice from the doorway, "is right here."

"Derek!" The word burst from Addison's lips, an explosive she could not longer contain. It felt like a load had been lifted from her shoulders, and like her soul was being stretched and lengthened in order to reconnect with his. The seconds it took for him to walk from the doorway to her bed seemed like an eternity, and his footsteps were slow, halting, careful.

But he made it. Everyone who had stared as she finally spoke, had whirled around to find Derek in the doorway, faded away until it was just her and him, the emotion between them stingingly pungent.

Addison moved, so quickly her pelvis tinged with pain, and he moved at the same time, enveloping her in a warm stronghold. He handled her with the utmost care, his fingertips roaming over her cheekbones, her jawline, her nose, and her lips. Derek's lips met her temple, lingering there and breathing in the scent of her skin. "I love you," he whispered.

"I love you too," she responded, running her fingers through his mussed curls as he pressed kisses to both her temples, her forehead, her nose.

"Scoot over," he muttered in her ear. He carefully helped her shift her broken body to the side, his cool hands giving her a familiar but long-lost tingling feeling in her stomach. Then he lifted himself up beside her, his strong body cradling her back and his legs tangling with hers. "Ouch," he complained jokingly when he felt her cast.

"Mommy, Daddy, you match," Devony giggled, pointing at their identical hospital gowns. Richard joined in the laughter, along with Mark, who had followed Derek in, and Carolyn, Nancy, Kristin, Kathleen, Elizabeth, Meredith, even Alex joined in as well. And her daughter skipped around the room, smile bright enough to light up the entire city of Seattle.

"Der," she said finally when everyone had made various excuses, she realized later, in order to give them some time alone. "What happened? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," he said quickly, brushing a tangle of hair off her forehead. Their bodies moved together, perfectly synced as they breathed at the exact same tempo. She was slightly surprised; she had suspected, although she admitted it to nobody, that after what happened, she would never feel safe around a man again, not to mention feeling what she felt about Derek right now. Their chemistry had been detectable ever since that spark in the cold New York air the day he helped her pick up her stuff. It was nice to know that nothing could damage that, not even the worst thing that had ever happened to her.

She didn't say anything else, just waited for Derek to talk like she knew he eventually would. Why he was hesitating to tell her, she had no idea, but she thought she would know if it was something really bad, the connection of their skin would alert her. Finally he sighed. "I have hypocortisolism."

She thought for a moment, wondering what was so significant about that. Then it hit her. "Addison's disease?!" she asked, choking on the laugh that unexpectedly bubbled up. Fate, or God, was certainly laughing. "Well, nobody can say it's not ironic," she said after a minute.

He chuckled, the movement rippling through both their forms. "Figures, doesn't it? But it could be worse. I just have to take hormone supplements."

Just hormone supplements. All that loss, all that terror, just for a couple of pills. "Promise me something," she insisted.

"Anything," he vowed.

"I can't live without you Derek. I can't breathe, I can't function, I can't do anything. I've lived without you before but sometimes nowadays even breathing takes an amazing amount of effort. You're the only one who can chase the dark away, for good or for bad, so I need you to promise … that you'll never leave me again."

"I never will," he vowed.

"Whatever happens?"

"No matter what happens."

"Even if I'm broken forever?"

"Addie … I don't know exactly what you're going through, but I do know you will recover from this. I also know I'll stay no matter what." His voice was soft, persuasive, sure, and she believed him, but she couldn't help remembering what it was like without him.

* * *

Addison ~ New York ~ 4 years, 3 months ago

"Good morning, Dr. Montgomery," the secretary sitting behind the polished desk called as she entered her attorney's office. "How are you this morning?"

"Morning sickness is a bitch," Addison muttered, and then bit her lip. Pregnancy had sure brought out some odd traits in her. Before, she had always been perfectly poised, able to handle any situation with grace and composure, and now things like _that _spilled out of her mouth.

The secretary smiled at her sympathetically. "Well, at least you'll get a good settlement, there's no way Mrs. Molina will let your ex get out of supporting a child."

"I'm not telling him," Addison told her with a sigh as she settled in one of the comfy chairs in front of the fish tank. "This isn't going to be some kind of war. We can still manage a civil divorce, I hope. Of course, it might be _more _civil if he hadn't been just a few feet away from me when he … Never mind. I don't want to cause him trouble. When all is said and done, I want him to be happy."

"You still love him," the secretary guessed. Addison supposed it wasn't hard, she probably saw many people come through here in similar situations.

"Unfortunately," she said, and then stood quickly and almost sprinted to the office's small bathroom. There she crouched, sweaty and feverish, as she lost what little breakfast she managed to persuade her temperamental stomach to accept. When she emerged, Mrs. Molina was waiting.

"Hello, Addison. How are you this morning?" she said politely.

_Fine, _would have been an appropriate response. _Well, thank you,_ would have been even better. Instead she said, "Shitty."

"Well, you might be feel a little better after you hear this. There was an interesting development in your case last night. Derek's lawyer called, and he admitted, rather grudgingly, that Derek wants you to have the brownstone and the house in the Hamptons, he just wants his land in Seattle." Mrs. Molina's tone suggested that Addison ought to be ecstatic at this new progress; instead, she felt rather empty, of more than just food.

Why did it matter, without Derek? Why did anything matter, when he wanted to erase all traces of her and pretend she didn't exist? Why should she live, when he didn't care whether she lived or died?

"Great," she said, unable to summon up enough energy to make the words sound even halfway sincere.

"Okay, then, I'll just get those papers for you to sign, and then I'll fax them to Derek's lawyer," Mrs. Molina said, puzzled by Addison's lack of response.

As she waited, she dug through her bag for something to do. She had research she could have been doing, but instead her hand gravitated toward the baby name book she'd bought last week, not having any idea what she wanted to name the child growing inside of her. She flipped through it, pursing her lips in annoyance when she kept going back to the 'D' section …

* * *

Derek ~ Seattle Grace ~ present

"Okay, okay, out. Shoo," Nancy said as she, his mother, Devony, and his other sisters stomped into the room. "You've had your time, now it's our turn, now that Addison is finally talking."

"What? But –" he started, but Kristin cut him off.

"Out, Derek," she snapped. "You're hogging Addison."

He looked to Addison, who simply smiled and shrugged. The women took seats around her, Elizabeth with a bag full of nail polish, and Devony climbed up onto the bed wielding a sharpie. Recognizing defeat, he climbed carefully out of Addison's hospital bed. "You're okay?" he whispered in her ear, eyeing his sisters apprehensively.

She nodded. "As long as you come back soon."

He was about to pull back when he noticed the proximity of their faces, her delicate pink lips were only inches away. He had purposely been so careful with Addison over the last few weeks, but in that instant, there was nothing he wanted to do more than kiss her. Her slightly parted lips were tantalizing, weaving a spell of memories around him, but he restrained himself, pressing his lips to her cheek instead.

He tottered carefully out of the room, still feeling rather weak. So much had happened in so little time, he was still catching his breath, adjusting, trying to take it all in. As he left the room reluctantly, he heard Devony saying, "Bat … cow … butterfly … whale … seahorwse …" as she drew on Addison's cast, and he smiled.

"Dev, what are you doing?" Addison laughed.

"Drawing animals," Devony sighed in exasperation, as if it were obvious.

"Addison, your cuticles look terrible," Elizabeth said, holding up a casted blue foot in despair.

"Hmm, I wonder why," Addison responded sarcastically. This life had turned out differently than he'd always imagined it. It wasn't a bad thing, necessarily, but when he he'd started out he hadn't thought this was how it was going to go …

* * *

Derek ~ Fiji ~ 15 years ago

"Tell me again," Addison whispered as she stretched her long, bare body over the sand, rolling over onto his chest and pecking his lips. "Tell me how our life is going to go."

Her words were nearly lost in the warm sea air and the surrounding sounds of the jungle. Behind them rose a small beach hut, the only mar in the flawless stretch of beach before them. Turquoise water, color hidden by the dimness of twilight, rose and fell behind them and he inhaled, breathing in paradise.

"Well," Derek said to his new wife, running his hand over her bare collarbone, "we're going to buy that house overlooking Central Park, the one you toured last week. You're going to become the best neonatal surgeon in the field, and I'm going to become the best neurosurgeon, but I'll still come home and ravish you every night. In a few years, we're going to fill that house with a bunch of kids. Maybe three or four."

"Hmm," she sighed. "That sounds nice. Especially the ravishing part," she grinned, pushing herself up on her long limbs and laying her head on his heart.

These were his favorite times. Their love chased away the stubborn skeletons that could never be eradicated from their closets. His dad's death, her father's drunkenness and abuse, her mother's abandonment. But a new era, the era of Addison-and-Derek, had begun.

Later he would think himself foolish for assuming that he could so easily leave pain and unhappiness and imperfection behind them. But then, on that beach in Fiji, Derek believed what he told Addison about their future.

"I love you," he whispered in her ear, rolling them over gently and pressing her into the sand. It coated their bare bodies, like cool satin in the night, and as he bent to kiss Addison he was sure he had somehow conjured perfection.

"Love you too," she responded, arms reaching up to encircle his neck and pull him closer. He allowed his hands to explore her silky skin, which had been tanned by the tropical sun. When she moaned loudly, he whispered, "Good thing this beach is deserted."

"Shut up," she breathed, wrapping her legs around him, and he gave in, losing himself in a storm consisting of a delicate balance of passion and love.

* * *

Seattle Grace ~ present

They didn't know, then, of the baby that would come and go in just a few short months. They hadn't known what would happen, how their lives would play out, all the pain that was on its way, Derek thought.

It had been shocking to find out, by way of Burke telling Mark, that he was not dying after all, although he had certainly felt like he had been. Instead, just a short while after they gave him hormone supplements, he had been able to go and see Addison. Mark mentioned her zombie-like state in his absence, and how she thought that he had left.

They had been built up, worn out, shattered, reconciled over the years, and the life he had described on that night on their honeymoon was nothing like what had actually happened. Still, he thought, his mind on Addison's 100-watt smile as she spotted him in the doorway, maybe this was better. They knew what they had and they knew what they could lose. Perhaps their happy ending, though still a ways in the distance, was attainable after all.

* * *

**So, what do you guys think? Do you like the flashbacks? Or no? Thank you for all the amazing reviews, your comments and support have been phenomenal!**

* * *


	26. Chapter 26

**My Never**  
**Chapter 26**

* * *

Derek ~ Seattle Grace ~ present

"That one! And that one, and that one, and that one!" Devony's excitement was hard to suppress, and as he carried her, giggling wildly, on his shoulders, he wondered how Addison had ever been able to take her shopping.

While Addison had her weekly scans and x-rays, which she insisted he did not need to be present for, although he'd offered, she'd persuaded him to take Devony to the mall. Addison thought their three year old daughter had had enough of the hospital and deserved to get out. When Derek asked where she wanted to go, she had a melodramatic fit about Tuck's new Build-A-Bear and decided she wanted one too. She now clutched the fuzzy pink teddy along with Pluffie, the giraffe, making them dance on the top of his head.

"Daddy! That one! Mommy will like that one!" Devony practically shouted, drawing the stares of curious strangers as they walked through the mall.

"Dev, I don't think Mommy needs a giant talking panda," Derek chuckled. He had wanted to get something nice for Addison since her ordeal but found, between taking care of her, Devony, and doing his normal amount of surgeries, that he hadn't had time.

"Yes she does, Daddy," Devony said, hitting Pluffie's fuzzy head in his face.

"How about a pretty necklace instead," he countered cautiously. Devony was nearly as stubborn as Addison could be, or, actually, had been. Addison's personality was being regained in leaps and bounds, her natural sparkle shining through a bit more everyday as she struggled with her demons. But there were some aspects that it would take longer than a month and a half to get back.

Devony considered this, and shrugged. "We could get her a butterfly necklace."

"Maybe," he said cautiously. "Or maybe we could get her one like that." He pointed to a graceful silver necklace in a display, with tiny diamonds inset in small flowers along the chain. It was very pretty … and very expensive.

"I guess so," Devony agreed with a sigh, as though his fashion sense was sadly lacking. But he supposed to her, in her white halter dress with its stylish floral pattern, it was. He caught the little girl studying the necklace as it was packaged, however, and decided to make a return trip for her fourth birthday, which was coming up.

Within half an hour they arrived back at the hospital, Derek having been forced to overpay the taxi driver whose ear Devony had talked off. He dropped Devony off at the hospital daycare, she hadn't been there in days and was anxious to see Tuck and show off her new toy. "Bye, Daddy," she waved as he left. "Tuck, look what Daddy got me! He used his magical card that you can buy anything with!"

Derek smiled, shaking his head, marveling at how fast she was growing up. It didn't help that she was prodigious and so old for three years old, but he supposed all fathers felt their daughters were slipping through their fingers. She was just as impossible to hold as the ocean waves or silvery moonlight.

He headed for Addison's room, feeling that old familiar smile come to his face, but he was intercepted by Richard. "What? What is it?" he asked as soon as he saw the expression on Richard's face.

"They caught them. Addison's kidnappers," Richard said when Derek looked confused. "Well, most of them, at least. They were in Venezuela, hiding out on some drug farm."

"Does … does that mean there's going to be a trial?" Derek choked, thrown by this latest development. He clenched his fists, nails digging into his palms almost enough to draw blood. Finally, finally the bastards that had tortured Addison would have comeuppance … but not even a lifetime in jail could take away what they had done.

Richard laid a hand on Derek's shoulder. "Eventually, there will be," he said. "But they're trying to find the rest of the victims, or their bodies first. Addie and Casey are the only survivors so far, but there could be others out there. I'd guess it will be at least a few months before court proceedings can actually start. There's something else as well," Richard said hesitantly, avoiding Derek's gaze. "I planned a hospital charity event a few months ago, and, well, it's too late to cancel now …"

"And I suppose my attendance is required?" Derek asked sourly.

"Well … I did hint that the country's top neurosurgeon would be there. But that's not really why I'm telling you. I thought you should give Addison a heads up," Richard said. Derek was aware that a line had formed behind him, Richard was a busy man, but he felt overloaded with information and no reply came to his lips … He finally just nodded, and Richard turned away to address the next problem …

Derek ran a hand through his hair, gathering himself before he visited Addison, wondering how she would take the news. She would be relieved, surely, that her kidnappers had been caught but also wary of the trial that certainly loomed in the coming future. As for the hospital function, well, she would probably just want to escape notice in any way possible.

Bailey was in her room when he entered, talking to her in a gentle voice he rarely heard from the lips of the woman christened 'the Nazi.' He hurried to her side, wondering what was up, when Addison said, "Derek."

"Right here," he said cheerfully, before realizing that she had not been calling him but rather responding to a question of Bailey's. Her answer made the other woman's brows fly up into her hair.

"What's going on?" he sought to clarify, confused by their dialogue.

Bailey turned to him hesitantly. "We were thinking that Addison might want to take a shower, now that she's healed enough from her surgeries. The thing is, if she falls on that pelvis again and tears her iliac artery, she could die. I asked her who she wanted to help her, I could certainly do it if she wanted, but she … she wants you."

Derek's eyes snapped to Addison. He was shocked. Yes, she trusted him, he had been her white knight since her helicopter landed over a month ago, but for her to want _him _to help her shower, to be the only one to see her completely exposed since this whole thing started …

She blushed and looked down when he tried to catch her eye, twisting her blankets through tortured hands. Even from across the room, he could detect her anxiety, the slight shaking of her body, the way her shoulders slouched, hiding as much of her body from the outside world as possible.

"Addie, are you sure that's what you want?" he asked. "I'm sure Callie or Izzie would help if you wanted, not to mention Bailey …" he trailed off when she shook her head vehemently, eyes wide in terror.

"No, Derek. You're the only one who's seen me at my very worst, you've helped me shower when I was sick, you saw Evelyn being born, you know about the bruises from … from what happened when I was younger. So can't you … please, Derek?" she didn't lift her head to look at him but instead focused on her bruised arms, which she wrapped around her body tightly, like she was trying to hold herself together.

"Sure, Adds, of course I will, as long as you're sure …" Derek tried not to pause, not to think of the implications of this nor how this would play out. Bailey was eyeing him doubtfully, surely remembering all the times he had abandoned Addison in the past, but she left to get a wheelchair.

When she returned, he pushed the wheelchair to Addison's bedside. She stared at it for a few seconds before turning her beseeching eyes on him. She hated being helpless and needing assistance; it was difficult for her to ask, so she was doing it the only way she could. Rarely had she left the room since arriving here and regaining consciousness, and despite the fact that she was perfectly secure, he was sure it couldn't be a pleasant experience.

He had built back up to his former strength after finding out about his condition, but he suspected he could have lifted Addison at his weakest. He swallowed when he realized those pokey things he could feel through her hospital gown were her _bones_. She reached frail arms out toward him, like a baby bird, and he hefted her weight easily, setting her in the wheelchair. Several cords trailed along with her, the machines she was connected to faded into the background when he saw them everyday.

Derek noticed beads of blood on her lip as they exited; she was biting it so hard it had to be painful. Her eyes, always changing between sea green and brilliant blue, did not look straight ahead but instead swept the halls. But there were so many patients, so much blood, so much trauma, that Addison's injuries did not really stand out and few gazes lingered longer than a second.

He took her to the attending's locker room, which was too nice to really be called a locker room, and wheeled her toward the back where the showers were. To his relief, they encountered no one; everyone was busy saving lives and raking in cash by the hour.

He locked the door just in case, and then stood in front of Addison, anxiety curdling in his stomach. She made no movement, just looked at him expectantly, like he was supposed to know what to do. Finally he stalked over to the nearest cubicle and turned the water on. While it warmed, he located a stool for Addison to sit on and placed it under the rapidly heating water. Before long, steam poured out and sweat coated his entire body.

She looked so helpless, just sitting there in the wheelchair, and he sighed. "Come on," he said gently. She didn't seem capable of undressing herself nor wrapping her casted leg in the plastic supplied by Bailey, so he pushed her wheelchair as near to the shower as he could get it and set to work undoing the ties of her hospital gown himself. Addison didn't protest, but when he had the last one undone, her arms flew up to hold the gown to her gaunt form. He knelt to wrap her blue cast in the plastic, and when he stood, Addison was in the same position as ever.

"Addie?" he asked. He could hear her teeth chattering, in fear rather than cold, he hoped, because the bathroom felt like a sauna. "I understand that this is scary, but I think you'll feel better after you do it."

Addison bent her head, ashamed, but slowly lowered her arms to let the hospital gown flutter down. She looked like pictures he had seen of starving children in undeveloped countries, every bone visible through their tight wraps of skin. She kept her arms crossed over her chest, but he could still see white bandages along her body. Her painful embarrassment was palpable, wringing his heart and making his body sting with sympathy.

A single tear fell down to dot her lip.

"Addison, you're beautiful," he said, taking her face in his hands. "Never doubt that."

"I'm not, Derek," she whimpered. "I'm not and I wish I was and it's so unfair. How can they take so much and not even care?"

"You're always beautiful to me," he said. "And I don't know why or how this happened to us. But it brought you back to me. It seems impossible that anything good could come of it, but we don't know what the future holds. You just have to take baby steps."

"Baby steps," she repeated doubtfully, staring down at her mangled body.

"Baby steps," he agreed, pulling the hospital gown down over her legs and lifting her. Water splattered his scrubs as he set her gently in the under the spray. She tensed at first and then relaxed, her shoulders slumping.

Derek stood outside indecisively. It was clear that Addison could not shower by herself, but how would she feel with his obviously masculine presence around her battered, naked body? Surely she wasn't comfortable with that? But what alternative was there?

After a brief internal debate, Derek stripped to his boxers and t-shirt and kicked off his sneakers. Then he pulled the curtain aside and stepped cautiously in. Addison looked up, a wild, panicked look in her eyes, but it disappeared as soon as his face registered.

There were no words needed, only thoughts and gestures conveyed through the silky steam separating them. First Derek squirted body wash onto a washrag, filling the shower with a vibrant coconut smell, and touched her back softly so as not to alarm her. Then he proceeded to scrub her back and shoulders gently but firmly, sensing that she wanted to be rid of the filth of what had been done to her. She washed the front of her body, still self-conscious, while he combed her tangled hair and massaged her scalp with shampoo. He debated about following up with conditioner, but when she sighed and leaned against him, he sensed that she'd had enough.

"It still feels like they're on me," she whispered in a sorrowful voice as he turned the water off. "Do you think they'll ever be gone?"

"Yes," he said, and although it was simply a replacement for the truth; that he had no idea, she accepted his hope-saturated declaration.

* * *

~ Addison ~

Red. The poppies Derek planted were blood red, cherry red, the red of color drenched sunsets. The color of her hair. Addison doubted he'd ever planted a thing before in his life, but there he stood, the day after her shower, pouring dirt in a small, rectangular pot in her new hospital room.

The glass walls, the dying people, the desperate families were gone, and it was a relief to be out of the ICU. Machines still beeped around her, monitoring every aspect of her progress, but she was no longer under direct scrutiny, the hardest part, physically, of her recovery was behind her.

They were just green shoots in the deep brown soil, just tiny, fragile beings struggling to exist in a harsh world, sort of like her. But Derek watered them, just like he bestowed his love on her, and she felt sure they would grow, sprout, take hold, just like she could grow out of the horror that didn't want to let her go.

Derek sat beside her when he was done, smelling like moist earth, and together they admired his handiwork. "I've been thinking," he said after a while.

"Hmm?" she asked, resting her head on his shoulder.

"I was thinking that maybe it's time for you to – talk to someone," he said, clearly dreading a volatile reaction. "You've made amazing progress, but I'm afraid there's only so much I can do to help you."

"I don't know if I can," she admitted. "What if I can't talk about it to anyone but you?"

"Just think about it," he said, kissing her forehead gently. Suddenly he shifted, digging a hand into the pocket of his scrubs. "I have something for you," he said, holding out a small grey box, and opening it to reveal a diamond necklace.

_This, _this was the Derek she loved. Not because he bought her things, but because he did it with the loving, crooked smile that she loved, and because he'd taken the care to pick out something he knew she'd like.

After four years, she thought she had forgotten how to be with Derek, but she hadn't. They were built around each other, like they'd been designed to be together, and that was a difficult thing to deny or forget. They left themselves in ruins, strung the pain of Addison and Derek across the country, but in the end, she would always love Derek and he would always love her.

The necklace hung beside the chain with her wedding rings, and Derek left and returned with two salads, and they ate and discussed his latest surgery. It was the way she could read him, the tiny gestures, the way she handed him the remainder of her dressing that proved it: They were simply meant to be.

* * *

**Sooo ... I just wanted to check in and make sure that everyone is still interested in this story. I know the plot has been a bit slow lately but this is the slowest part of Addison's recovery. So stick with me ... Addie and Derek will pull through :D**

* * *


	27. Chapter 27

**My Never  
Chapter 27**

**You guys have been excellent with the reviews! If I had a gold star, I would give it to you. This chapter has some angst and some fluff. And also some swearing and mature topics, like usual, just warning you. Anyway ... I present chapter 27 :)**

* * *

~ Derek ~ Seattle Grace ~ present

They say time flies when you're having fun. _Fun _was not the word Derek would have chosen for caring for his abused ex-wife, but they achieved, together, a kind of peace that had not been present in his life for the last four years. It was not fun, but comfortable to sit at her side day by day and tell her about his most interesting cases. It was rewarding to watch her improve, and heart-warming to be together with her and Devony.

But the past still clung to him, appearing when they seemed most likely to forget it. The tiniest things triggered Addison's worst fears – stuff she saw on TV, nurses or doctors who had features similar to her kidnappers, even phrases he used unthinkingly.

Still, time passed in this delicate balance between happiness and pain. It seemed to be tilting more and more to the happiness side, but there were still days where it reverted, regressed, flipped upside down. There was just no way for Derek to know.

However, neither agony nor contentment could halt time in any way, only their perception of it, and before he knew it, the six week mark was approaching. He wasn't sure whether he should mention it to Addison; do you celebrate the day you were rescued from certain doom? He wasn't sure.

But it turned out that such an opportunity was stolen from him before he could decide, because when he walked past Addison's room after his nine o'clock craniotomy; the first thing he registered was her openmouthed horror as she stared at the TV.

"Dammit," he muttered to himself, heading toward her door. He had forbidden her to watch shows like Law and Order, because although she'd suddenly become fascinated with them, she got upset when people died or rapes were featured in the storylines. It just wasn't healthy, he told her. Usually Devony watched TV with her, suggesting something like Dragon Tales which Addison survived with martyred endurance. He had to remind himself that Addison had cared for Devony for over three years by herself, he knew his daughter nearly as well as she did now.

But Devony had slept over with Tuck the night before, and Bailey hadn't arrived at the hospital yet. Derek entered Addison's room, wondering what had prompted one of her stunned silences this time, and was completely puzzled for a moment. It was only the morning news.

Then he tuned into what they were actually saying, and Addison's appalled expression made sense.

"Several of the kidnappers were apprehended just a few days ago. Police believe that the kidnappers were planning to sell the victims throughout Central and South America as sex slaves," a female voice was saying, safe in the studio where they were filming, well-dressed and perfectly calm, while Addison's fists were clenched and her face was bone white, contrasting strongly with her fiery hair. "Of the twenty-eight kidnapped women, twenty-one have been found, nineteen of them dead," the voice continued. "One of the two survivors, Addison Montgomery, a thirty-nine year old surgeon, is currently at Seattle Grace Hospital. She suffered grievous injuries and nearly died herself."

Addison cried out at the picture on the screen, and Derek couldn't help it, he did too. Previously, he had been standing in the doorway, trying to figure out what had her terrified down to the roots of her soul, but he moved quickly into the room to stand by her side, like that could make it better. They didn't show pictures of her kidnappers, but what they did show was somehow worse.

Because bad as the pictures were of the poor dead, broken souls, those shown of Addison made him feel like somebody was viciously squeezing his heart. Derek had seen her a day _after _they found her, after she'd been cleaned up and had several surgeries. Not washed up by the river, nearly dead from drug overdose and in her ragged, holey clothes. He'd certainly never wanted to see that.

In Addison and Derek's stunned, aching silence, the report persisted. "Chief of Surgery Richard Webber, however, says she is on the mend. Addison was found by some young rafters in Mexico about six weeks ago. Her friends and family, including her ex-husband Derek and daughter Devony, are very grateful that she was found alive. Also found was twenty year old Casey Fitzgerald, a student at the University of Phoenix. Casey's injuries were slightly less severe but no less regretted. Her sister, Tasha Fitzgerald, has spoken publically several times about the need for action. The other seven victims have yet to be found, but are not expected to be in any better condition."

Derek lunged for the remote and turned the TV off as more pictures came onto the screen. "Addie," he said.

"I was just watching the news. Just the new, Der. Can I even watch the freaking news anymore? Can't I be normal, like I used to be? Can't those disasters I hear about be impersonal again, unable to touch us?" Her voice broke by the end, and she slumped, apparently exhausted by her outburst. Vivid red locks framed her face in a sort of halo as she sank back onto her mound of pillows.

"I know it's hard to watch Addie. But nobody thinks worse of you because of it. They probably admire you. Maybe you can even turn this into something good, and inspire people, like Casey's sister is doing." He was grasping at anything in his reach now, but he saw, once the words sunk in, that he'd struck gold. Helping people was Addison's weakness. There was never any need for her to work; she had a trust fund worth millions of dollars. But she did because she wanted to make a difference.

"Help people," she parroted slowly, as if it had never occurred to her. "You're right, I could … But you knew, didn't you?" she asked softly. "You knew they caught them." Addison's voice was not accusatory, but he would have preferred anything but the silent betrayal present in it. She toyed with the necklace he had given her as she spoke, as if it had taken on new meaning.

Derek sighed. "Yeah, Addison, I knew. And I was going to tell you, but the TV beat me to the punch." He tried out a weak smile, and she responded in turn. And as his heart gave a particularly loud thump, she leaned slightly closer, her ocean tinted eyes, bursting with emotion, slid down to his lips, and he ran a hand slowly, achingly over her cheek …

"Am I interrupting something?" called an amused voice from the doorway.

"Archer!" Addison breathed, blushing and pulling away from him hurriedly.

Archer Montgomery swaggered into the room, carrying himself with an air of someone who thought himself quite good-looking. He plopped himself right down on Addison's other side and took her hand with little regard to her feelings. "What are you doing touching my sister like that again?" he asked, his voice like splintering ice, while directing a glare at Derek.

"It's really none of your business," Derek snapped back, needled. Where had Archer been, during the last month and a half? Where had he been during the five months she'd been missing? He couldn't drop in like this, on a whim, it wasn't fair to Addison.

"Now, Archie," Addison scolded. "I know you've never liked Derek," Derek rolled his eyes and snorted at her cursory description, "but could you _try _and get along with him, please?"

Of course Addison forgave Archer. She always did. Even when he didn't visit. Even when he had ignored her and Derek's calls and she was unsure if he was even safe, not to mention what country he was in. Even though he had run off with his friends when they were little, leaving her in the large house alone to raise herself.

"I can't believe you're going to let this asshole mess you up again," Archer said to her, completely ignoring Derek. "Hasn't he done enough?"

"I haven't seen _you _here," Derek replied. "You haven't been here, helping her, supporting her. You're off on one of your tours, because Addison is never and was never first on your priority list!"

"Both of you shut up!" Addison said as loudly as she could, and they were both so startled that they were quiet immediately. "Derek, Archer is my brother, and you _know _why I love him, you know what he did for me in the past. And Archer … I was married to Derek for eleven years and he's the father of my only child. I love him."

"Great," Archer interjected sarcastically.

"Don't bring our problems into this, Archer. Addison needs us. That's all that should matter," Derek retorted.

"Since when do you care?" Archer asked angrily. "Since when do _you _give a shit, huh? I still haven't forgiven you for all the nights she'd call me crying when you were married. She sat waiting for you in that house all alone, dinner waiting on the table, for hours, and you hardly ever came. And then the second time around all you did was look at that pretty blonde intern. You broke her. It took her a long time to heal, Derek, but she finally did, after not seeing you for four years. Even then she wasn't completely herself. She was strong for Dove, but she never went on dates, never looked at another man, nothing. She never truly moved on, and that's your fault. So what are you doing?"

"I know I was an asshole," Derek admitted. "I know that. But I'm trying my best to make up for it now." Sincerity rang from Derek's voice so powerfully that it stopped even Archer in his tracks. His love for Addison was his one constant, the one thing that no matter what, he knew he'd always have. Through death and darkness, through any torment, any tribulation, it would always sing out in the deepest recesses of his heart.

"I'm watching you," Archer said to Derek. "I see her crying one time, you step one toe out of line, and I sweat to God Derek, you'll be dead and I'll be the one holding the gun."

"You said asshole, Daddy. That's a naughty word," Devony giggled from the doorway, and Derek resisted swearing again, apparently his daughter had heard at least the end of their less-than-pleasant exchange. She was holding Bailey's hand and Pluffie and a plate of cookies in the other. Tuck stood beside her, smiling his lopsided grin.

"Bye," Tuck said to her, and Devony haughtily permitted him to kiss her cheek. He leaned in, ever so slowly, and for a second mocha and cream skin were joined. Derek's heart spasmed with a different kind of pain than he'd felt that morning – shouldn't he have years before he had to worry about Devony with a boyfriend? Sure, she was the most beautiful three year old on the planet, you'd have to be blind not to see it, but this was too much.

Before Derek could to anything, however, Tuck pulled away and took his mother's hand, and Devony ran for the bed, plunking the cookies and her toy down on his lap.

"Unca Archie!" she said in surprise after launching herself into her mother's arms. "What are you doing here?"

"Silly Dove," Archer laughed. "I came to visit; I wanted to see how beautiful you'd gotten. Apparently the boys are starting to notice," he said with a wink. "Was that handsome little boy there your boyfriend?"

"Yep," Devony said, raven-colored curls bouncing as she nodded, her pink cheeks flushed. But her smile faded quickly as she traced her finger down the tube that ran into Addison's IV. "You were on the TV this morning, Mommy. Tuck's mommy was watching it, and I saw you."

Derek abruptly forgot his half-formed schemes to keep Devony from ever seeing Tuck again. _Why? _He wanted to scream at the heavens. _She isn't even four! Why our family? _In his inability to field that particular minefield, Addison took over. It was good for her to have something other than the poppies he'd planted to take care of; she regained part of her old self when she spoke to Devony.

"Mommy was on the news because she was gone for so long. Remember that?" Addison asked, and Devony nodded. "They don't want other people's mommies to go missing to, so that's why they're showing people what happened."

"You were very sick, Mommy," Devony asserted gravely.

"Yes, but I'm better now, huh?" Addison asked, obviously trying to retain some optimism in her tone.

"She's better, but we all have to take care of her, Dove," Archer said, rousing memories and stories of when Archer had been the only one to take care of Addison …

* * *

~ Addison ~ Montgomery house ~ 31 years ago

Loud, thundering footsteps sounded above the two young children, but neither stopped running, both having learned what that meant. Archer, the elder, short but muscular for his twelve years, pushed the eight year old Addison behind him. She was still fairy-light, having not gained the height and grace that came later in life, her most remarkable feature was her strawberry colored hair.

"Get in the closet," Archer hissed to his sister, eye on the staircase.

"No, Archie, there's spiders in there!" Addison squeaked. "Please, let's hide somewhere else!"

"There's no time, Addie. He's really drunk this time," Archer whispered back, trying to control the tremor in his voice.

The thuds moved to the polished wooden staircase, and Archer forced Addison into the closet. She tried to protest but he was too strong, and eventually she gave up and sat amongst the expensive, fur lined coats. Addison watched though the crack in the closet door as Archer gave his terrified sister one last look.

Though it had been a year since his father inflicted bruises on Addison's milky skin, the memory still caused Archer pain. She was supposed to grow up, get her happily ever after, had kids. Their father couldn't be allowed to hurt her again.

"What the hell are you doing?" Mr. Montgomery yelled as he saw Archer.

"Nothing, sir," Archer replied quickly. "I was just …"

"Where's your sister?" Their father was disturbingly lucid when drunk, but his demeanor was shaded by a demonic craze. He was volatile and unpredictable, so different from the polished CEO …

"I don't know. I think at a friend's house," Archer lied smoothly. It might have worked, probably would have, in fact, if Mr. Montgomery hadn't tripped over one of Addison's dolls, left on the plush carpet …

"What the fuck do you little shits do all day? Make a mess? Where the hell are the fucking maids, huh? Answer me!" he screamed.

"Sorry, but I don't -" Archer began, but he didn't finished. Never finished, in fact. Because the next second, a fist smashed into his small head, and the assault didn't stop until Addison couldn't see Archer's chest moving anymore. She stole out of the closet, screaming when her father looked up and saw her, and didn't stop running until she reached her mother's room. Even Bizzy couldn't ignore the sight of her dying son.

Archer was taken by ambulance to the hospital, Bizzy instructed Addison on what to say, and Archer was never hurt again. Her father didn't hurt her for six more years, and a few years later she escaped to college, out of his reach forever. But Addison never forgot what her brother had done for her.

* * *

~ Addison ~ Seattle Grace ~ present

The woman in the mirror was almost unrecognizable. Not quite a stranger, because she'd _been _her, about seven months ago. Beautiful, poised, flawless, her smile bright and slightly mysterious. But Addison had though that facet of herself was dead.

Somehow, however, during the last hour Izzie and Devony had resurrected her. Devony insisted on 'makeovers' and Addison hadn't the heart to resist her; it had been so long since she'd been able to do anything with her child. Maybe she shouldn't have submitted once she heard Izzie was in on the plan, but she had to hand it to the two, she did look good. At least on the outside.

Her hair, red as blood against her pale skin, was swept into a beautiful updo, which Izzie was putting the finishing touches on. Addison's nails, completely ruined after what had happened to her, were polished and shining. She had a light layer of make-up, which skillfully covered stubborn cuts and bruises and accented her features.

"You could be a professional," she told Izzie.

"Not really," said Izzie with a shrug. "You look good because you're gorgeous to begin with, Addison." She had no answer for that, because nowadays it was a blatant lie.

"Butterfly clips now?" Devony asked Izzie, giving her mother a happy smile.

"Hmm," said Izzie. "How about we put those in your hair, Dev? They'll go nicely with your silver eyeshadow."

"I think Tuck will like them. He likes bugs, so he probably will," Devony said in a pleased voice. She wore a pale blue dress adorned with sparkles, Archer was taking her to a play to give Addison and Derek some alone time. Although why that warranted a make-over Addison was afraid to think. Just because she looked like her old, confident self mean she _was_ her again.

"Absolutely stunning," commented a voice from the doorway when Izzie stepped back, and Addison whirled around to see Derek. He stole her breath just standing there in his onyx tuxedo, leaning against the doorframe, his blue eyes glowing. His smile was brightest of all; it lit up the entire room.

"I – what's going on?" asked Addison, trepidation making her sweat.

"I have something to show you," Derek told her with an irresistible wink. She couldn't contest the nickname McDreamy tonight. But he was _her _prince. Her McDreamy.

Although it felt sort of silly thinking it. Maybe, however, she could imagine that just tonight was a fairytale.

Izzie, who had disappeared into the bathroom, stepped out in a golden yellow gown, her long flaxen hair loose around her shoulders. Addison felt like crying when she saw how Izzie's flawless, scar-free skin caught the light. That had been her, once upon a time.

"Ready?" a gruff voice asked, and Addison turned to see Alex beside Derek, looking at Izzie like she was his sun, outshining all else in his life. The young doctor blushed and nodded, whispered, "Good luck," to Addison, and exited smoothly, her hand tucked in Alex's arm.

"Der … what is this?" Addison asked. It brought back terrifying, ugly memories of Prom, when the coffin that was her and Derek's marriage had been nailed shut and she had been unknowingly pregnant with Devony. She couldn't _do _that again, especially since Meredith still worked at Seattle Grace and she wasn't the person she had been. It was the worst kind of déjà vu, the kind that made her sick with dread.

Derek was about to answer when he was interrupted by Archer. He held his arm out to Devony like Alex had for Izzie, and she took it eagerly, face alight with excitement. Addison remembered guiltily that she was supposed to take Devony to see Cinderella in New York.

"Bye Daddy! Bye Momma, you look exqwuisite!" Devony struggled to pronounce (she had been reading the dictionary that day), waving at them as her uncle swung her up on his shoulders.

"Bye Dev," Addison whispered.

"Love you!" Derek called after their daughter. "Everything is beautiful tonight, huh?" he asked, gazing out at the starlit Seattle. "But not near as beautiful as you. The very moon and stars are jealous."

"Don't be ridiculous," she snapped, fear making her irritable. "I'm in a hospital gown, Derek. I look like Raggedy Ann. I'm the farthest thing from beautiful. And I'm not leaving this hospital room."

Everyone would see her, if she did.

"Please, Addie? Humor me for ten minutes. It's kinda silly, but it might be fun. Then we can come back, if you want," Derek promised. His eyes smoldered, melting her icy resolve, and she sighed. Sensing victory, Derek retrieved the wheelchair from a corner and lifted into it. Her hospital gown rode up far enough to reveal her bony legs, and she looked away, ashamed of her undernourished body.

Derek pushed the wheelchair out of her room, down the hall, and into the elevator. When they arrived at the bottom floor, she noticed decorations lining the wall, getting more and more extravagant until they reached the lobby, and Addison gasped.

Golden lanterns every few feet provided the only light, making the ceiling look like the night sky. Beautiful figures rotated in gowns of every imaginable color, accompanied by handsome counterparts in smart suits. It was like fairyland, or a princess castle, and try as she might, she couldn't make herself fit.

"Dance with me?" Derek asked, but she shook her head and wrapped her arms tightly around her torso, as if that could hide her skeletal body. She felt tears in her eyes.

"Why not?" he asked softly.

"It's beautiful, Derek," she said thickly. "But I don't belong out there, not anymore. Everyone will stare."

"You belong with me," Derek whispered, untangling her arms and slipping his hands under her shoulders. "Everyone will stare because they can see that more clearly than anything else. And this time, I'm not letting you go," Derek said, obviously thinking along the same lines as she was, about the last hospital event they attended together.

All her breath left her as he lifted her, and she automatically wrapped her legs around his waist, her blue cast and thin hospital garb like rags compared to everyone else's finery. But Derek refused to let go, instead holding her like a child and grabbing one of her hands. He began to spin them, to the music slowly, taking care to cradle her body so she wasn't hurt.

Sometimes the music was fast, sometimes slow, but Derek rotated, carrying her, at the same pace the entire time. She spotted Callie in Mark's arms, Richard and Adele, and Meredith with someone who might have been Finn, she wasn't sure.

But mostly it was just Derek. His eyes didn't move from her the entire night.

And they danced until the stars fell asleep and faded into the blinding dawn.

* * *

**So, I've been planning that for a while. Kind of a redo of prom, since that's when things went so wrong for Addison and Derek.  
Anyway ... I love to hear from you!**

* * *


	28. Chapter 28

**My Never  
Chapter 28**

**So we have some happiness and sadness and healing … all needed. Sorry about the late update, I've been a little busy :)**

* * *

Addison ~ Seattle Grace ~ present

Her alarm clock, in the shape of her spirited, sable haired daughter, woke her the second the sun stretched its long, arching rays over the horizon. Devony launched herself at Addison, small limbs flying, waking her with butterfly kisses and taps on her uninjured patches of skin.

"Hey, baby," Addison laughed, smelling the woodsy scent of the trailer in Devony's long hair as she gathered her daughter in her arms. Derek was, as always, right behind her, already dressed in his indigo scrubs after an early morning surgery.

It had been two weeks since their perfect, enchanting, moonlit night at Richard's hospital function, which meant Addison had been back at Seattle Grace for two months. Some things had changed, others had stayed the same and Addison found that even in the midst of disaster, things could and did get a little bit better everyday.

She and Derek had achieved a new level of intimacy since the dance. It was not in any way physical, but it was ultimately more powerful, and she was as attuned to his emotions as he was to hers. Addison's pain was Derek's pain, her happiness his, and as she was healed from her harrowing nightmare, he was too.

It was the little things too, that as they learned to be together again, they discovered that they hadn't forgotten. Derek took the orange slices out of her sesame chicken salad when he brought it from the cafeteria, she was mildly allergic. He brought her magazine featuring the latest fashions from the stand at the corner of the street and watched her run her fingers over them, longing for the day when couture could replace hospital attire.

Addison, in turn, ate Derek's discarded pizza crusts that he'd never liked, endured the Clash on the metallic purple boom box he'd bought Devony, and ran her fingers through his dark curls when he fell asleep in the chair beside her bed after a long surgery. She knew when he was tired and didn't want to talk; he knew when to distract her from her terrifying thoughts and when to let her deal with them. He knew exactly where to place his hands when he touched her and how to help her when she needed to go to the bathroom without embarrassing her and every quirk and wish and fear.

They were morphing from two people back into one and it scared her as much as it warmed her.

"Will you tell me now, Daddy?" Devony asked Derek, and Addison gave him an inquiring look.

Derek rolled his eyes. "You know how she's been obsessed with the fairytale thing lately?" he asked Addison, and she nodded. Ever since returning from the play with Archer, Devony had transformed every aspect and related every facet of their lives to princesses and magic. Poor Tuck, her 'boyfriend', became a martyr to her schemes as she placed make-up and crowns on his head, and Mark inadvertently revealed how Devony had made him and Derek into princesses, to Addison's extreme amusement.

"She wants to know how we met, namely _our _fairytale," Derek told Addison.

"Tell me, Daddy, tell me!" Devony begged, and Addison smiled as Derek's ultimate weapon, his beautiful blue eyes, were used against him by his daughter.

"All right!" he said, lifting her and swinging her around to sit beside them. "Where should I start? Hmm … how about: Once upon a time there was a princess."

"Mommy!" Devony interrupted excitedly.

"Yes, you're right. She was the most beautiful princess in the whole world, in the whole universe, even. She had gorgeous long red hair, eyes the color of the ocean on the clearest day, and the most amazing bod-"

"Oooo-kay," Addison said. "Moving right along."

"Right. Anyway," Derek said, smirking at Addison. "The princess was sad, though, because her mommy didn't take very good care of her. She didn't even let her call her mommy," Derek told Devony, his face very serious, and Devony gasped. She felt for Addison's hand and squeezed it, and Addison felt her heart swell with love and affection from the simple gesture. There was no doubt that Devony would be amazing. She genuinely cared about people in ways Addison didn't know a three year old was capable.

"Also," Derek continued, and Addison refocused, "her daddy wasn't very nice either. Luckily there was a prince."

"You, Daddy!" Devony interrupted again.

"Yes, it was Daddy," Addison said, inserting herself into the telling. "He was the most handsome prince in all the land."

"Just in all the land? I said the whole universe," Derek pouted.

"_Fine, _the whole _universe_ then," she said, pretending to be exasperated. "He had a white horse and sparkling blue eyes and fabulous hair …"

"As did the princess," Derek added.

"Is that how they met? Because they had fabuwous hair?" Devony asked.

Derek and Addison exchanged a glance. "Sure," they said at the same time. It was more exciting than just saying they met at college. Devony couldn't have understood the magic of that night; of secret glances across snow capped hills, and the thrill of knowing you'd met somebody you never wanted to let go of. Nobody could fathom what had happened between Addison and Derek unless they had been there.

"And the prince loved the princess very much," Derek said.

"And the princess loved the prince too," she added.

"And so after Med School where they learned how to save people and be doctors, the prince and the princess got married," Derek said, and paused. The parts that followed were not always happy or always easy, but she felt, and she thought Derek did as well, that Devony should know love was not all sunshine and rainbows.

"And then I was born?" Devony guessed, a smile on her face.

"No, not exactly," Derek hedged.

"The prince and princess had a beautiful baby girl, but she was very sick, so she had to go up to heaven to live with the angels. And the prince and princess missed her, but they were happy for many, many years," Addison said.

"And then they lived happily ever after," Devony cheered.

"No," Addison contradicted reluctantly, wondering if she was corrupting her daughter with a little too much reality. "One night, the prince and the princess had a terrible fight. Over M – a lark," she caught herself quickly.

"What's a lark?" Devony asked, wrinkling her nose.

"Nothing. Never mind. They got in a fight and the prince made a big mistake. He left and went to Seattle," Derek said, trying to salvage the story.

"Sewattle. Hmm," Devony said, the wheels in her brain obviously turning.

"Yes. He met a different woman there. And he liked her, maybe loved her for a while," Derek told her, and his voice was pained, clearly regretting the past. Addison squeezed his hand, trying to keep him from beating himself up too much. They'd both made terrible mistakes, and they'd both atoned for them.

"But what about Mommy?" Devony asked, very upset.

"The princess followed the prince. And he remembered that he loved her, and how they used to be, and they were happy for a little while," said Addison.

"But … the prince wasn't thinking very clearly. He wasn't very nice to the princess because he was still upset about the lark. So there was a ball, and at the ball he did something very, very naughty," Derek said.

"Like draw on Mewydith's wall?" Devony asked with an innocent smile, clearly lost in the memories.

"Uh … no. Not exactly," Derek struggled while Addison tried not to laugh.

"The princess thought the prince didn't love her anymore, so she left," Addison sighed.

"I don't like this story, Mommy," Devony whined, and Addison was alarmed to see tears in her eyes.

"No, no, sweetie, it has a happy ending," she promised. "The princess went back to New York. And while she was in New York, she had a baby. The best, smartest, most beautiful baby in the world," she said, tickling Devony's tummy.

"But Momma … I don't get it. How did she have a baby without the daddy?" Devony asked.

"We'll get to that later," Addison said quickly, and she and Derek tried to keep from laughing. "The prince still loved the princess, and the princess still loved the prince, but neither of them knew it. The princess was a mommy, and she had to take care of the little baby princess, and the prince was still with the other woman."

"I don't like her. She's like the wicked witch. Does she die?" Devony asked innocently.

"No, no," Derek said quickly. "She's not the wicked witch, and she doesn't die." Addison paused to contemplate the irony. When she'd arrived in Seattle, _she _had been the bad guy, Satan, the wicked witch come to ruin Derek and Meredith's fairytale. And now, four years later … she was the star of Derek's love story again, and her daughter called the _other _woman the witch.

Derek hesitated, the words no longer spilling from his lips, and Addison knew the hard part was coming. She sucked her breath in sharply, and Derek took her hand. "Then the princess was kidnapped by some bad, bad men." Derek's voice was barely more than a whisper, and Devony leaned in closer. "They were the bad guys. So the little princess had to go live with her daddy, the prince. And they searched for the princess, but she was nowhere to be found."

"What happened next?" Devony asked, enraptured even though she already knew what happened.

"Well, after a very long search the prince found the princess. And she was very hurt, but he healed her. And the prince, the princess, and the little princess were finally all together."

"And they became king and queen of Sewattle. And lived happily ever after!" Devony squeaked excitedly.

"The end," Addison finished.

"No, Momma, not the end!" Devony said, very upset. "What about a castle?"

Addison rolled her eyes. "Try trailer, sweetie," she said with a laugh. Derek got a funny look on his face when she said that, and she gave him a questioning look. They would have to talk about the trailer later.

"They need a castle! Plus the little princess is lonely! So the king and queen need to have some little brothers and sisters for her!" Devony said in an agitated voice.

"Okay. They found a beautiful castle to live in, and …" Derek hesitated, clearly unsure.

"And they had a baby for the little princess to play with," Addison added in a firm voice, and there was nothing in the world that meant more to her than Derek's huge smile in that moment.

"Okay, Dev," Derek said, lifting her off Addison's lap. "Would you like to go to the daycare to see Tuck now? Daddy needs to talk to Mommy about some stuff."

"You mean," Devony corrected with utter seriousness, "the prince needs to talk to the princess."

"Okay, sure," said Derek as he carried her out. He tickled her tummy, setting off gales of laughter. As Derek and her daughter were framed in the doorway for a second, Derek looked back and winked, as if to say he was more enthusiastic about the idea of their fairytale than he was letting on.

* * *

~ Derek ~

"So, I had an idea," Derek said as he pushed a wheelchair into Addison's room. She set the book she was reading, _A Thousand Splendid Suns, _on the table beside her and turned to look at him, curling her knees to her chest, and looking, in that instance, years younger. "Since Callie gave your pelvis the okay, and our last wheelchair excursion went well … you want to try again? You don't have to be cooped up in this room anymore, Adds."

"It's kind of self-inflicted, Derek," Addison said with a sigh. "I can either be in here, alone, or be out there and have people staring at me the whole time. Which would you choose?"

"Since when do you care what people think?" Derek asked.

"I don't, really," she said with a shrug. "But I was never one for pity, nor speculation, and when I'm around other people there's plenty of both."

"I know how hard this is, Addie, but you're going to have to start coming out of here sometime, and now is as a good time as any to start."

He hated to beg, but she gave in when he gave his best puppy dog look. "Okay," she said reluctantly and he suspected that she was humoring him.

"Are you sure you should be reading this?" Derek asked after flipping through a few pages of the book. It was about strength and sacrifice but Derek was afraid the topic of abused women would cut a little too deeply into unhealed wounds.

"It has a good ending," Addison protested, and he relented, because a happy ending was what she needed more than anything.

Derek managed to procure clothes from Izzie, who dug through her locker to find a pink velour sweat suit and a pair of Hello Kitty underwear. Addison eyed them apprehensively but allowed him to help her into them, her arms tight around his neck as she hopped first into the ridiculous underwear and then into the pants. She refused the jacket, so when they set off into the hospital it was in her hospital gown and pink pants.

Addison's grip on the armrests of the wheelchair was alarmingly tight, and she shrank back slightly every time they passed another person. Richard waved when they passed him talking to another doctor, and Mark winked from a patient's side, but Derek feared that he may have been wrong, maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.

They stopped in the lobby and Derek bought her a vanilla latte, which she simply held in her skeletal hands and inhaled while gazing out at the rain falling gently onto the pavement. Her gaze lingered on the vibrant green of the trees and shrubs, bursting with life, and the people passing by on the sidewalk, their lives as blissful and distant as the clouds above them.

"Thanks," she whispered softly after they had stood there together for a while. "It's easy to forget, in there, that regular life still exists."

"We're heading closer toward it every day," he assured her. "There's something I have to tell you, Addison. Please … please just hear me out, okay?" He thought he heard her mumble her assent, although it could have been an expression of trepidation. "Well, the hospital has this renowned trauma counselor, Addie. She's a psychiatrist, actually, and I made you an appointment."

"What?" Addison asked in a trembling voice.

"Just see her once, Addie, and if you don't like it, well … I won't make you do it again. But I really thing this could help us," he said, kneeling in front of her wheelchair and taking her hands. "I love you. No matter what, I love you."

"You don't understand, Derek!" Addison said, her voice rising about the dull roar of the cafeteria. "I'm so damaged, not on the outside but on the inside, and if anyone but you sees it …"

"You need help. Anyone in your position would need help. You pretend to be okay for Devony, but Addison … what if you really could be okay? I know you can do this. I love you, Addie, but I need you to do this for me, please?"

He'd used every weapon he possessed, if she didn't agree now he didn't think she ever would. But Addison nodded slowly, her head seeming too big on her rail thin form, the motion making her collarbones show sharply through her skin. "If that's what you want," she said.

"I want you better. Anything for that," he vowed.

* * *

~ Addison ~

"_I love you,"_ Derek had said. _"No matter what, I love you." _Addison repeated the words over and over in her head, going over every detail of his face, the way the skin around his eyes crinkled adorably, the fathomless dedication in his eyes, the feel of his lips on her forehead, disarmingly soft. _"I love you Addie, but I need you to do this for me, please?" _

True to the stereotype, she had never put much stock in psychology as a surgeon, preferring to fix things with well-placed cuts and flawless sutures. Addison believed in the ability to heal what she could see, what was tangible and right in front of her. But, apparently, that wasn't enough because although her body inched toward healed every day, her mind was still scarred almost beyond repair, ruts of the horrible things she could and couldn't remember carved deeply within her skull.

She jumped at the soft knock on the door and ran her hand over the perfectly smooth sheet. The woman that entered looked only a year or two her senior, with eyes that silently bespoke of sympathy and understanding, and cinnamon hair perfectly curled. Addison relaxed slightly, sinking back onto the pillows.

"Hello, Addison," the woman called in a comforting voice. "I'm Dr. Birch, a trauma counselor here at Seattle Grace." She moved towards Addison's bed slowly and she found her head spinning out of control by the rustle of silk, the sound of heels, the woman's dark eyes … meeting people after what happened to her would never be the same. She couldn't help searching for glimmer of evil that would indicate danger.

"All right if I sit here?" Dr. Birch asked, one manicured hand extended towards Derek's usual chair. Addison shrugged, and the woman sat. "Now, Addison, I understand that you are probably skeptical about what I do. It's okay, many people are. But your … Derek and Dr. Webber think this is a good idea, as do I."

Addison was silent, although a slight film of sweat covered her face. Mulling over the things that had happened to her, the scraps she could remember, or telling Derek was one thing. Revealing her own vulnerability and fallibility to a complete stranger was another.

"I know this will be tough, Addison, but I was thinking we could start today by talking about a few of the things you remember. Maybe just what you were doing that day or anything else that you want to share, or any concerns you may have," Dr. Birch said gently.

"I can't," Addison stated.

"Why not?"

"Because," she said, "there's so much I don't remember, so many missing pieces, and I want to remember. No, that's not right. I need to remember. I can't get over it until I know exactly what darkness still eats at the back of my mind."

"I can help you remember," Dr. Birch told her. "Not fake memories, like repressed memory therapy can sometimes generate, but actual events. And not everything, because the drugs will have altered your memory as well, but we can get some of it back."

"Okay," said Addison, taking a deep breath. A cold chill stole over her body, because some things were better left unsaid, some monsters better off undiscovered. But if she wanted to run with her daughter again without being afraid and make love to Derek again with a wild, reckless abandon … she needed to know.

"Lay back," Dr. Birch instructed her. "And close your eyes. Now, I want you to picture the first night. You were apprehended at LAX, no? Okay, picture that. You can tell me what you're seeing if you'd like, but you don't have to."

In her mind's eye, Addison saw the shadow-saturated parking lot, flooded with light by the occasional streetlight, the dim, hulking shapes of cars. She heard the determined click of her heels, a faint sound that might have been a whistle, an engine starting in the distance. Then she saw the men, the van, concrete … waking up in the van, cold hands up her shirt, her last, desperate hope found in a desert gas station, her broken leg, bent strangely …

Then she gasped as another memory intruded.

* * *

Addison ~ unknown location ~ 6 months ago

She had been starved of light for so long that colors spun beneath her eyelids as untamed brilliance swamped her. Murmurs surrounded her, but they flowed by her without providing a modicum of understanding. Her back was cradled by an unforgiving concrete floor and her leg throbbed relentlessly.

For a second when she opened her eyes she thought she was blind, but then she focused and was able to see two men standing above her. One had features shrouded in darkness and had black, nondescript clothes, but the other was the picture of opulence. Rolls of caramel colored skin advertised his corpulence as he bent to examine her, his eyes roaming over her body from small, deep-set eye sockets.

"Very nice," the man chuckled appreciatively, his breath made rough from countless cigarettes. "She's a stunner, that's for sure." The man put his pudgy hand under Addison's chin and rotated it, fingers gripping her jaw so hard she was sure they would leave little coin sized bruises.

His hand continued down her neck, stroking the soft white skin there, to her collarbone, and finally to the dip in her ragged but still mostly intact shirt. His smile became wicked as he peeled back the frayed edge, and bile rose in her throat as he plunged his hand deeper …

Before that moment, she felt as if she hadn't known the meaning of abhorrence or what if felt like to truly hate. But her body burnt with detestation and humiliation and she summoned up her strength and spit in his face.

"Stupid bitch!" the man yelled angrily, wiping his deep-set eyes and, in a motion faster than a striking viper, hit her across the face. His many rings left many bloody gouges in her skin and her head rang.

"Too feisty," she heard the man's thick accent say as they moved slightly away. "I wanted a young one, a virgin anyway."

Seattle Grace ~ present

Air was robbed from her lungs and no matter how hard her chest heaved, she couldn't get it back. A ripping noise filled the air, a painful, agonizing noise and it took a several seconds for Addison to realize that was _her_, the sound of her sobs.

There was a crash as her door hit the opposite wall and Derek and Archer rushed in, both wearing expression appropriate to being faced with a bomb or a large fire.

"What the hell is going on in here?" Archer snapped, rounding on Dr. Birch. "Why was my sister screaming?"

"Dr. Montgomery," Dr. Birch said in a placating voice. "I was simply helping Addison remember a few things. I assure you it is imperative to her healing."

"Are you okay?" Derek asked Addison, placing fingers under her chin gently, but that resembled her recently discovered memory too closely and she pulled away. Fear raged through her, an unforgiving fiend that turned everything grey and bleak and all good into bad. She managed to cease her sobbing but could not help the tears that escaped, and leaned forward to press her face into Derek's shoulder.

"Look at her," Derek said in a concerned voice. "Maybe this isn't a good idea, maybe she isn't ready for this after all."

"It's catharsis, Derek, it's good for her," Dr. Birch said.

"Good for her?" Archer echoed incredulously.

"Archie, stop," Addison called in a tear filled voice before he could launch one of his famous tirades. "I need to do this."

"Not today you don't," Derek said, tucking the blanket tighter around her, brushing the spot where her ribs showed through her hospital gown. "I understand that you need to know, but let's take it one step at a time. I'll schedule another appointment," he said to Dr. Birch and she nodded tactfully and headed for the door.

"You're safe now," Derek whispered in her ear, holding her close. "I promise you're safe now."

* * *

**I recently reread A Thousand Splendid Suns, which is why I put it in there ... very good book, btw.  
That little button down there is calling you ...**

* * *


	29. Chapter 29

**My Never  
Chapter 29**

**Yes, I am aware that it has been forever. And I apologize for the quality of this, because I've spent the last two nights watching Harry Potter run around like a headless chicken at midnight and attempting to help my drunk brother shop for a present for his girlfriend. He knocked over an entire display of sunglasses, which I had to pick up because he kept missing the rack.**

* * *

Derek ~ Seattle Grace ~ present

On the eve of Addison's celebration of three months of safety, Derek walked in her hospital room to find it covered in sheets. Addison sat on the floor, casted leg extended, tying a white piece of fabric from her hospital bed to the door handle of the bathroom. His daughter, her small brow furrowed in concentration, was standing on her tiptoes in order to tie another sheet adjacent to it, making a tent-like figure.

"Huh," Derek said, lounging in the doorway. "What are you ladies doing today?"

"We're having a camping sleepover inside, Daddy!" Devony told him excitedly, taking his hand to lead him further into the decorated room. "Mommy said that's the best kind."

"That's because your mother thinks camping means staying in a five-star hotel near the edge of the woods," Derek said, and Addison frowned at him.

"I don't like waking up with a sore back, bug bites all over, and trout for breakfast. Sue me," she said haughtily.

"Yeah, Daddy. Sue her," Devony repeated, obviously having no clue what the phrase meant.

"If you're going to be mean I won't give you your present," Derek teased.

That shut Addison right up, but Devony continued skipping around her paradise of bedsheets singing, "Sue me, sue me, sue me."

"Okay, I'll be good," Addison said reluctantly, fingering her new diamond necklace and the chain with her wedding rings. Derek grinned and swept a red silk Chinese robe from behind his back. It had intricate designs woven in gold, green, and navy blue thread and long drooping sleeves.

"I know how you hate to go out in your hospital gown," Derek said. "So I thought you could wear this instead."

"It's beautiful, Derek," Addison said sincerely as he draped it over her shoulders and helped her fit her arms into it.

"Not as beautiful as you," he whispered in her ear, kissing her cheek softly before pulling back. "So, do I get to be a part of the camping inside sleepover?" Derek asked.

"I guess so," Devony said after a minute of consideration. "If you go get my sleeping bag from the twailer."

"Yes, your majesty," Derek teased, ruffling her midnight curls before departing.

When he returned, however, the pink sleeping bag in hand, he found the tents finished, Addison lounging on her bed in a way he couldn't help but find seductive, and Devony and Tuck doing handstands in their pajamas.

"Hello, Tuck. Goodbye, Tuck. It's bedtime," he said, grabbing Devony by her skinny legs and turning her right-side up again.

"Hi, Mr. Derek. I'm sleepin' over too!" Tuck crowed excitedly, arranging his sleeping bag carefully so as not to disturb Devony's stuffed animals.

Derek opened his mouth to tell the boy that he certainly would _not _be sleeping over, but Addison beat him to saying anything. "Miranda and Tucker wanted to go out for dinner, so I told them Tuck could stay here with us," she explained cheerfully. Derek was momentarily distracted, because _cheerful _Addison didn't show her delightful presence often, although she had been present a little more often during the last month. The sessions with Dr. Birch were going fairly well and Addison was dealing with all aspects of her experience.

"What? Addison, she thinks he's her _boyfriend_!" Derek hissed angrily once he stopped himself from being distracted by the way Addison's hair curled softly around her bruise-less face and how the twinkle that had formally inhabited her ocean-blue eyes was coming back.

"So?" she shrugged, slipping her legs under the covers and watching Tuck and Devony settle down in their tent. "It's kind of cute. Besides, she's three and he's four. It's not like they're going to do anything."

Derek's excuses were running high and dry, but he'd only known Devony for seven months and he was reluctant to give up any part of her. "He's almost five!"

"Well, she's almost four."

"I don't care. Tuck, I'm sorry, but -"

"Why can't he stay, Daddy?" Devony pleaded, poking her tousled head out of a gap between the sheets and pouting pitifully. "It's just like when I slept over at his house when Mommy was gone."

"Oooh," Addison said, wrinkling her nose. "Which one is the three year old and which one is the world class neurosurgeon again?"

"Scoot over, woman," Derek said grumpily, finally defeated. Addison obliged, and as slivers of her creamy skin touched his he tried to keep his mind from spinning off into fantasies. His fingers curled automatically around the skin just under her shoulder, but other than that, he kept his distance. Three months was to him an eternity, but to Addison, it was only a blip in time and space away from her attack and he didn't want to disturb the fragile progress she'd made.

Still, these nights sang of passion-filled times at the brownstone when neither of them could get close enough to the other, when skin upon skin was just not close enough, when Addison's lips affected their erotic torture until he was incoherent. They were different people than they had been then, life had knocked them around and they bore the cuts and scrapes and bruises of living.

Of course, that meant that fervent fights and maddening habits made their presence known as well. "Ouch, Addison, your cast is digging into my leg! Can you just scoot over a little -"

"No, because then I'll fall off the bed," Addison pouted quietly, trying to keep the finally-sleeping children from waking.

"What are you talking about, you have plenty of room over there!" Derek said, half teasing. "My ass is about to freeze off because it's hanging off the bed."

Derek had expected a witty jab back, not an explosion of tears, but that's what he received. Bewildered, he rushed to comfort her, pulling her body to his. "No, no – I'm sorry, Addie. My ass is actually pretty cozy. I was just – what did I say?"

"This just can't happen, Derek," she said between sobs.

A creeping dread stole through him, because no matter how much Addison depended on him, lavished her now-rare smiles on him like precious jewels, and confided in him every fear that touched her mind, he still worried, in the dead of night, that they wouldn't be able to fix what was broken. Gathering his composure, Derek asked, "What can't happen?"

"I can't fall in love with you again, Derek."

Those fateful words carried both joy and agony, because although it was clear they loved each other in a platonic way, Derek had been secretly craving insurance that she felt for him the abundance of tender yet confusing feelings he experienced around her. Love that had been buried deep was being brought to a boil again, and they both stumbled through this awakening, wanting and needing but desiring caution as well.

"I can't," she whispered when his tempest of thoughts delayed his answer.

"Well, it's too late for that, isn't it? You've loved me from the start," he whispered, bending to kiss her crystal tears away, his lips brushing her cheekbones, her eyelids, her nose, and the barest corner of her mouth as he did. "Come with me."

* * *

~ Devony ~

Devony awoke to an endless expanse of white stretched over her head and took her a panicked second to remember about the camping sleepover inside. The little girl rolled onto her stomach and pushed herself to her knees, frowning at the slightly snoring Tuck beside her. She stole out of the tent's entrance, stepping carefully around Pluffie and her other animals, but when she got to the bed where her parents had lain, they were gone.

"Tuck!" Devony whispered loudly, returning inside to wake the boy. Tuck mumbled in his sleep, black curls spilling all over his forehead, and Devony extended a thin white arm to touch the sleeve of his orange basketball-patterned pajamas. "Tuck! Mommy and Daddy are gone!"

Tuck blinked sleepily and sat, fists rubbing sleep from his freckled cheeks. "That means we can sneak out!" Devony told him happily, grasping his mocha colored hand in her cream white. In a few years, hand-holding would cause self-consciousness and mean more to the two children that it did at that time, but neither Devony nor Tuck found anything odd about the gesture.

The two tiptoed carefully from the room, equally cautious of waking shadowy monsters and angry nurses. The ER and surgical floor buzzed with activity, but the more permanent rooms, designed for patients with extended stays, were silent, the occupants sleeping as well as their various infirmities allowed. The soft cotton of Devony's nightgown brushed over her knees and she giggled, reveling in the success of their secret operation.

Their softly stepping feet had barely reached the overpass leading to the rest of the hospital when they encountered others awake in the dead of night besides them. Devony let out a soft gasp and stopped, while Tuck ran into her back, nearly sending the two children tumbling.

Devony's alarm lasted less than a second before she grinned wickedly. "I have an idea, Tuck! We should spy on them!" she whispered, eyeing the two figures, bent together and cloaked in darkness, very closely.

Tuck gave her a silent thumbs up and the two children padded forward carefully, making sure to hide behind any objects on the way, just like real spies. Devony squinted as the two strangers loomed closer, their bodies bent in strange positions. The dim moonlight barely afforded her any clues to what they might be doing …

Devony jumped when she felt Tuck's lips at her ear, but he quickly folded a hand over her mouth and whispered, "They're kissing!" Then he collapsed in a fit of silent giggles, trying fiercely to keep from being heard.

Devony bit her lip, laughter bubbling inside her as well, but as she turned back to the midnight wanderers, they shifted and moonlight reflected off a sheet of brilliant red hair. Devony stumbled forward, her mouth opened in shock, until her suspicion was confirmed. "Tuck! Tucker Bailey Jones! That's my Mommy and Daddy! They never do that!"

"My parents do it all the time," Tuck as they backed away, Devony's stomach still reeling with embarrassment. He sounded amused but unsurprised, like parents kissing was an everyday spectacle he unfortunately had to endure.

"Mwine don't. They _never _do."

"Derek and Addie sittin' in a tree. K-i-s-s-i-" Tuck trilled gleefully.

"Stop it, Tuck! Don't talk about my pawents like that!"

"Why? It's what they're _doing_."

Devony frowned. He had a point. Although Tuck annoyed her sometimes and teased her about princesses, it was what boyfriends were supposed to do and she teased him about Power Rangers, so it was all okay. "Well, why are they doing it?" she asked, hoping his extra year of experience might enlighten her.

Tuck shrugged. "Maybe your dad thinks your mom is texy."

"What's texy?" she asked, wrinkling her nose at the unfamiliar word.

"I don't know, but grown-ups say it all the time. My Dad says it about people on TV when Mom isn't home," he explained nonchalantly. "We could try what your parents are doing, if you want to."

Devony considered, her head tilted to the side, studying her parent's locked lips. It didn't look like much fun. "No," she said finally.

"That's okay. We can do it when we're married," Tuck said unconcernedly.

"Fine. But you have to wash your mouth first so you don't give me cooties. Mommy says bleach works wreal good at cleaning stuff."

"Deal," Tuck said, and they shook hands. "Now let's go find some other people to spy on. Your parents are boring love birds. Derek and Addie sit-"

* * *

~ Addison ~

The moon exploded over the horizon, painting the night sky in the most brilliant silver and white. Derek's hand rested on her shoulder, and they were connected as the only living beings awake in sight. Together they watched the moon make her nightly climb, trailing dark and slumber behind her, chasing the sun from his daily throne with her army of stars.

"I missed the moon," she said, not really speaking to him but talking in general.

"Sometimes when I think about what happened to you, I can't stand it, Addie. I don't know how I can live by your side every day knowing that they still exist out there." There was something about so awesome a sight that freed them of normal societal constraints, leaving them free to express what normally might not be said. Derek knelt beside her wheelchair and took her hand, and he was not watching the moonrise but instead the way the soft illumination played across her face, casting blue-tinted shadows.

Something changed, so quickly and fluidly that Addison had no time to cry for cease, to stop time and breathe and get used to the idea. Derek's hand cupped her chin, his thumb skating over her lips softly. His eyes were so blue and she was getting lost, just like she had the time they first met, lost in blue that had no end. She could see the individual hairs that covered his chin, he clearly hadn't shaved the night before, and the way a few curls trickled onto his forehead, breaking free of their hair product restraints.

Addison had always known she'd always love Derek, whether she hid it or buried it or ignored it. What she wasn't prepared for was falling for him all over again. His hand moved to the back of her head, cradling it and supporting it, and then he bent forward.

_Thump, _went her heart. _Thump, thump, thump. _

The world blurred as he did so, and she wasn't thinking about cruelly crushing lips or arms pinned to damp concrete, she was thinking about Derek and his soft lips and trying to remember what they felt like … and then as they touched hers she knew. There was only the barest pressure at first, and the kiss was slow and lingering as he tilted his head to the side, disconnected their mouths, and then kissed her softly again.

Somewhere in the midst of this her heart was awakening, blinking sleepy eyes and then reaching out with an unstoppable passion towards Derek, and before she knew it she was kissing him back. Their mouths moved in a pattern left unused for many years but unforgotten, ready to be brushed off and used again.

Kissing Derek wasn't like kissing anyone else, and her heart rejoiced.

All too soon, however, he pulled back breathless, his eyes brimming in wonder. She wanted to know if his heart was beating as fast as hers was, so she extended her arm to press her palm up against the spot in his scrubs where she knew it lay. He copied the motion, covering her heart, only his hand was next to a scar.

"How did I ever give this up?" he asked. "I must have been crazy."

"Freaking insane," she agreed, rolling her eyes. Derek bent forward again, but Addison was unable to stifle a yawn before his lips got there, so he kissed her forehead instead and began pushing her back toward their room, both of them enjoying the night bathed in wonder.

Derek loved her. She could be scared, she could be utterly terrified, but if Derek loved her and always would, everything else faded into insignificance.

At least until morning, when Addison remembered just what had transpired between them in the past and _why _she had avoided him since the divorce. The first time, love hadn't been enough, and an unfortunate Archer and Bailey had to witness her freak-out when she awoke to swollen lips and two missing children. "I just – I can't – I thought that it would never happen again, and then here we are, thirty-nine years old, playing tonsil hockey," she said, attempting to convey her frustration to an unconcerned Bailey and a bored Archer.

"I didn't know you were one for contact sports analogies," Bailey snorted.

Archer made a disgusted face, his sheer dislike for Derek written all over his expression. "Well, if you're so worried, I'll go beat him up," he offered, suddenly cheerful. "I've always wanted to take out Derek's tonsils. Not to mention his -"

"Not helpful, Archie."

"You're hopeless at resisting him, Addison." Miranda pointed out briskly while she checked the few bandages Addison had left. "So I'm not really sure why we're having this conversation."

"What? _What?_ It's not my fault that's he's being all _husband-y _again. Clearly they did something to my brain while I was kidnapped, because –"

"I'm not exactly feeling sympathetic here. You did lose my son."

"Nice excuse, sis. They fixed your brain, remember? Mark told me you bitched about having to wear bandages around your head."

"Archer, I seem to remember telling you to shut your mouth."

"Addison, put the goddamn plastic knife back on your breakfast tray and take a chill pill. You kissed your ex-husband. Get over yourself." Archer wrapped her knife-wielding hand and steered it back toward her breakfast but she yanked it away, this time aiming for his head.

"You know what, Archer, you are such an ass-

She was interrupted by the arrival of a very pissed off and bossy fourth person. "Do you mind telling me while my top neurosurgeon is running around looking for children instead of prepping for his ten o'clock craniotomy?" Richard snapped. "How did you and Derek not notice them sneaking out of your room? Oh, I know, maybe because you two were doing it yourselves."

"We were sleeping," Addison asserted innocently, giving her brother one last glare before adopting an appropriately perplexed smile.

"Right. And why were you so _tired_?" Richard wanted to know.

"Well, we hadn't _slept _in a long time," Addison pointed out.

"You would think you two snuck off enough as interns to make up for it now," Richard said, tiring of their game and rolling his eyes.

"You know what, Richard? I don't have time for this right now. I'm trying to freak out about kissing my ex-husband, so you need to leave." She pointed out the door for him, just in case, but it sprung open a second time to reveal Derek and two squirming, giggling children. Strangely, her panic dissipated slightly upon seeing him. Yes, they were lost in a jungle of uncertainty, but right now they had bigger problems. Like what to do with their mischievous, sprite-like three year old.

"Tuck Jones, where the heck have you been?" Bailey screeched.

"They were 'spying', apparently. On the candy machine," Derek said, waving his hand at Devony and Tuck's clothes and pajamas, which were stained red. "Richard, you might have to buy some more Hot Tamales."

* * *

**Soooo … I don't know. Was three months too long a time for Derek to wait to kiss Addison? Or was it too short? I can't decide, but it didn't really fit into any chapters before this. Oh, and Devony and Tuck's misadventures are partially based on mine with my first 'boyfriend.' Anyway, I promise to get the next chapter up faster ... but inspiration helps :)**

* * *


	30. Chapter 30

**My Never  
Chapter 30**

**Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that my brother's girlfriend liked her present. The bad news is that he barfed all over her front porch and she threw him out.**

* * *

Addison ~ Seattle Grace ~ present

Entwined hands. Cotton sheets.

"Derek!"

Heaving chests. Curls tangled in her fingers.

"_Derek_!"

Devouring lips. Fruit-hued tongues.

"Derek," Addison breathed as he pulled his lips from hers softly, the swollen skin reluctant to part. Her fingers stroked the small tuft of hair revealed by the v in his scrub top as she drunk in his dawn-tinted blue eyes in the dim room. They both thirstily swallowed up the appearance of the other, as eager as new lovers, until Derek expressed his impatience by pulling their clothed forms closer again and nipping her bottom lip softly.

In the two weeks since their kiss, Derek had tiptoed around physical affection, pecking her lips softly but refusing to go any further. As a thirty-nine year old woman who hadn't had sex in nearly five years, Addison's sexual frustration and fear of intimacy, as caused by her rape, kept up a constant battle, making her desires so capricious that even Derek couldn't always guess them.

Now they took advantage of Devony visiting Adele and Richard the night before and the general vacancy of the residential wing of the hospital by kissing each other as they hadn't kissed in years. The fluttery feeling of teenagers sneaking around and making out in dark corners was present, but the uncertainty was not, because their lips traced patterns that, while unused, were not forgotten.

Their bodies collided again as Derek's warm arms gathered her close and pulled her to him, so not even the most infinitesimal amount of space was allocated between their two hearts. Air was an unnecessary commodity, at least for the moment, because Addison couldn't imagine needing something more that the feel of Derek's flexing muscles against her suddenly sensitive chest or the sensation of his fingers coaxing downy red curls from her neck.

They were so caught up in their secret, morning love nest that neither of them paused to consider the magnitude of what they were doing. And even though they were only making out there were some wounds that only time could stitch up, that not even the most complete and pure love could cover wholly.

In retrospect, she knew that it wasn't really Derek's fault, he couldn't help it. He couldn't help the hardness that rose against her leg as a result of their dueling tongues and invigorating proximity, just as she couldn't help the memories it invoked and resuscitated, breathing fresh fear into the sensation of a man's body against hers.

She forgot he was Derek. She forgot he wouldn't hurt her. She forgot that she was tucked away in the safety of a warm bed with the man she'd always loved.

The only stirring in her awareness was the feeling of being stretched too wide and too far and the things nameless men had done to her, and that's what she reacted to, her once-gentle hands digging into Derek's skin as she pushed him away, making him cry out in pain. With a motion almost spastic in nature she threw herself from the bed, falling onto the cold linoleum in a tangle of cords and limbs and knocking over some equipment with a crash.

There she sat panting, curled in a fetal position and trying to gather herself enough to apologize to Derek who was still sprawled horrified on the bed. She knew he was punishing himself and it truly wasn't his fault but the terror running through her veins froze her.

Addison had thought that being with Derek would erase the horror of being raped, but she realized that only the ever-moving instants of life would carry it away bit by bit.

* * *

~ Derek ~

The loud crashing caused by Addison's fall roused the worries of several nurses and doctors, including Callie, Bailey, and the Chief himself, who, of course, had Devony with him. Derek could hear the harsh sound of Addison's breathing on the floor beside her bed but didn't want to alarm her any further than he had.

Derek rolled onto his belly to hide his erection, cursing his idiocy. He thought he was in tune with Addison's feelings, more so than anyone else, but his actions had provoked fears that had lain buried for weeks. He had been so caught up in kissing her, so caught up in the past and the future that he had forgotten to account for the present, which was that Addison had been rescued from kidnapping a mere 3½ months ago.

"What the hell is going on in here?" Bailey asked, storming in accompanied by a tornado of anger.

_Cold showers_, Derek thought quickly. _Fat aunts, warts, pimples, bad breath. _He struggled to overcome nature as he faced Bailey, who was helping Addison back into the bed. "Move your ass, Shepherd."

He did as he was told, standing quickly and attempting to cover his crotch. Although the need was passed, Bailey caught his movements and inferred what had happened. Her look spelled death. Addison grimaced as she was placed back on the bed but gave him an apologetic look.

"What happened here?" Bailey demanded even though she obviously had already figured it out.

"Well," Derek began. "Addison and I were -"

"Are you so damn stupid? Sometimes I find it hard to believe that out of 10,000 sperm, you were the quickest," Bailey snapped at him.

"What's sperm?" Devony inquired as she took a running leap at Addison's bed and plunked down a large utility flashlight wearing what appeared to be one of Derek's rather expensive ties.

"Sperm is something that Daddies have. To make babies," Addison clarified as she examined the dressed up flashlight.

"Hmm," Devony said curiously, tapping her chin. "Like potion?"

"Uh – not exactly," Addison said, endeavoring but failing to pull an appropriate, succinct explanation from the air. "What's this?" she asked, holding up the embellished flashlight as a distraction, which at second glance Derek noticed rhinestones and a pair of pink doll bloomers along with the tie.

"That's Ben. He's my new Daddy," Devony said elatedly.

One of Addison's eyebrows took its customary trip up toward her hairline. "New Daddy?" she questioned. "What about your old Daddy?"

"He wouldn't let me wear my texy outfit on my date with Tuck," Devony elucidated haughtily, turning her upturned nose away from him.

"She had on her sparkly high heels, Strawberry Shortcake underwear, and a dress-up vampire cape," Derek defended. "Of course I wasn't going to let her out of the house – trailer – like that."

"What date are you talking about, Dev?" Addison asked her.

"Me and Tuck are going on a date to daycare," Devony stated. "It starts in," she squinted at the clock, "Forty-three and a half minutes."

"Okay, people, let's get a move on," Richard said. "Dr. Bailey, some crutches would be lovely, Dr. Torres, cut the damn cast off already, and Shepherd, I want to talk to you outside."

Derek gleaned one last look at Addison as he followed Richard resignedly out of the room and to his profound relief, she was smirking at him, gleefully contemplating the lecture he was sure to receive. Juggling her emotions each day was an arduous undertaking, yet he was glad that they could take their everyday challenges in stride and keep moving forward.

Richard released a sigh when they reached the relative privacy of the hallway, and Derek prepared himself for a scolding. When his old mentor wasn't forthcoming, Derek took the offensive and said, "Look, Richard, I know what that looked like, but -"

"I didn't bring you out here to reprimand you, Shepherd," Richard said in a weary voice.

Surprised, Derek ran a hand through his hair and assumed a more relaxed position against the door. "What is this about, then?"

Richard leaned beside him, exhibiting irresolution, and began hesitantly, "Well, Derek, Addison's been in this hospital for three and a half months. Technically, she doesn't need to stay here anymore."

"Dammit," Derek swore. "I was hoping to have the house finished to take her home to, but it's going to take another month at the very least."

"The thing is, although Dr. Birch has given Addison the all-clear, she would still need someone to be there with her 24/7, for physical and psychological reasons. Crutches in that trailer of yours would be a nightmare."

"Can't she just stay here? No, listen," he said firmly when Richard showed signs of interrupting. "If she's here, I can see her in-between surgeries and she'll have the best care possible. And it's not like we can't afford it. Just until the house is finished?" Derek negotiated.

Richard exhaled slowly. "Fine. But I'm doing this for her, not for you."

Derek met the hooded insult with a grin. "I know. She always was your favorite."

"Exactly. And I know what happened in there was an accident, but you better be careful, Shep, because you know I'll take her side."

* * *

~ Addison ~

In a sparkle of brilliant blue dust, her cast was cut away, leaving behind an abnormally skinny limb. Addison winced as she regarded the abundance of dried skin and wondered mournfully if her legs would ever look the same.

"Don't worry," the ortho resident, Callie, laughed. "They all look like that at first. You just need a shower. And a shave."

"Why, Dr. Torres. Did you just insinuate that I'm hairy and smelly?" Addison asked coyly.

"Whoops. Did I say that out loud?" Callie teased as her skilled fingers set to work on Addison's foot, stretching muscles and testing tendons. "Look at the bright side. At least you can do the dirty with your ex-husband now."

"Great. By lunch everyone is going to know about that," Addison groaned. "It sounds real admirable when you say it like that," she added sarcastically.

"We got a problem in here?" Bailey asked as she reentered, crutches in hand, and slammed them down by Addison's bedside.

"Yep. Her ex-husband wants to put his dirty stick in her whoo-ha," Callie sang nonchalantly.

Addison stared incredulously at her and gestured at Devony, but the little girl didn't appear to be paying the least bit of attention to their conversation. Instead, her back was to them, ebony curls spilling onto the back of her lilac Minnie Mouse dress as she played with Ben the flashlight, humming a tune that sounded suspiciously like 'The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow.'

"Do you need me to whoop his ass back into shape?" Bailey muttered. "Because believe me, I've been waiting half my life to whoop Shepherd's ass back into shape."

"No, no, it's not that I don't want to get back on the horse," Addison explicated. "My body wants to get back on the horse. But my mind can't."

"No fair, Momma, I want to ride a horsey," Devony pouted from the corner.

"You hate horses," Addison reminded her. "You begged me to take you to that farm in Pennsylvania after your third birthday and then when we got there you wouldn't go in because you said it spelled like poopie."

Devony shrugged, "Oh yeah. Ben will never take me to the horsies, will you Ben?"

Addison rolled her eyes and turned back to the other two women. "Like I was saying, it's not that I don't _want _to do the dirty with him -"

"I make a point of not getting involved in my colleagues' sex lives," Bailey complained.

"Oh, shut up," Callie said dismissively. "You'll know when you're ready, Addison. Then, as Nike says, just do it."

"Somehow affiliating my sex life with some sports tagline is not turning me on," Addison commented dryly.

"Sex and sports? Sounds good to me," Derek joked as he reentered.

"I've said from the beginning that you are nasty," Bailey informed him. "Now, you can start by helping her walk. Not sticking your tongue down her throat."

Derek chuckled good-naturedly and moved to her side, wrapping an arm securely around her waist as her feet descended hesitantly toward the cold floor. He supported her gently as she took the first steps forward to the future they'd managed to spin out of anguish and agony.

The wing in which she had been placed was designed for longer stays, so it was nicer and also mostly deserted as she practiced placing one foot in front of the other, already going over designer ensembles in her head to go with her many shoes that she would finally be able to wear again.

"Addie?" Derek asked from beside her after a few minutes of comfortable silence.

"Hmm?"

"I just wanted to say," he spun her to a stop, cupping her face gently in wide, warm palms, "that I'm sorry."

"You're sorry about what?" she teased. "Being a man? Believe me, I'm glad you are, because I've seen one too many yeast infections to ever be a lesbian."

"Good to know," he replied before bestowing a light, soft kiss on her lips.

"It just might be a little while before you can put your dirty stick in my whoo-ha, though, as Callie so eloquently put it."

"I can wait," he assured her, "as long as you need, as long as it's not forever."

* * *

**So ... I tried to show how far Addie's come in her healing process, but that she and Derek still have a little ways to go. Don't know how well it went, but I tried. Also, since in this story Addison never really knew Callie that well because she left at the end of season 2, that was an alternate beginning to their friendship. Involving dirty talk. What fun.  
Reviews? Please? :D**

* * *


	31. Chapter 31

**My Never  
Chapter 31**

**This chapter is rated M … for obvious reasons. In fact, I'm debating about just rating the entire story M. I had a dirty mind while writing this. My five-year-old sister asked me the title of a book and instead of _A_ _Photographic Journey _I accidently read it as _A_ _Pornographic Journey_. Anyway. Read. You know you want to.**

* * *

Derek ~ Seattle Grace ~ present

Liquid moonlight spilled over their motionless forms as they waited for the night queen to ascend to her place in the sky. Addison was propped up by the pale curve of a single arm as she listened for the nurses, hearing their quiet goodnights to the various patients. Derek's nose collided with her side as she scooted closer, until it was buried in the slightly perfumed fabric of her hospital gown.

They had both memorized this routine by now, the silent anticipation of waiting for this wing of the hospital to plummet slowly into slumber, the feel of their lips pressed together, the kisses going further and further every night. He had been careful not to push the boundaries so as not to repeat Addison's scare of two weeks ago, but holding back was becoming damn near impossible.

"I think it's okay now," Addison whispered, rolling over to bestow a greedy kiss on his waiting lips. That was all the encouragement he needed. Grasping the sides of her torso with eager hands, Derek kissed Addison like a man dying. He was hyperaware of the ridges of her ribs under his palms, her tongue begging for entrance at his teeth, and feeling of his leg pressed between her creamy thighs.

As Derek felt himself grow hard, he prepared to pull back and give Addison some room, but to his absolute surprise he felt Addison's fingers skate over the taunt denim of his jeans. Shocked, he disjoined their lips and stared at her, but she only smiled innocently, just a hint of desire coloring her expression.

"Addison," he said calmly but firmly, remembering how she had reacted a mere fortnight ago, "what are you doing?"

"What do you think I'm doing?" she whispered seductively as her hands bunched his sweater up, pulling it up over his stomach so his skin was exposed to the soft blue midnight scattered over the floor. Shock fought a violent battle against passion, warring for dominance in his mind. And although his fervor for Addie put up a valiant fight, he couldn't dismiss the images of her bruised, broken body from his mind.

"Okay, wait, Addie," he begged. "Slow down. Don't you want to talk about this?"

"Well, if you'd rather be talking …" Addison pouted as she pulled back and let his sweater rest at armpit level. Her devastated expression pulled at his heart.

"Look, Addison, I love you. And when I said I was prepared to wait forever … I meant it," he said earnestly as he traced patterns on the delicate skin of her neck with the pads of his fingers.

"I know you would. But Der, what I'm trying to tell you is that you don't _need _to wait forever," she explained. Her words wove a tantalizing spiderweb of lust in his mind, urging him to abandon his newly learned caution and just kiss Addison like he wanted to, but he felt that would be blasphemy after what she had been through.

"Addie, we can't," he said softly. "Not here, not now. You're still sick and in the hospital. Someday … maybe someday soon, we can, but we can't.

"Yes," she yanked the sweater over his head roughly, catching it on his head on accident. "We," she continued, placing feather light kisses down his chest. "Can," she finished as her hands arrived at his belt buckle and made quick work of the clasp.

He grabbed her hands and held the exquisite, impatient skin prisoner against his chest. "We're in a hospital."

"Never stopped us before."

"Addie," Derek croaked, because his excuses were running dry, "You're only been back for four months and I don't think -"

"Derek -"

"No, just listen," he wait a minute he said when she attempted to interrupt. "Are you sure about this? After what they did to you, and all that's happened, are you sure?"

She touched the rough skin of his chin, sending shivers throughout his entire body, and then looked down at him, her blue eyes filled with an enticing combination of lust and love. "Derek, I'm sure. I've been thinking about this, and the things that happened to me … well, I remember them, and I always will, but they're not affecting me as much as everyone thinks they are. We've been building up to this for two weeks. And I trust you, Derek. I never thought I'd ever be saying this again, but I completely trust you. I love you. And I want – I'm ready to try."

Want and need rose inside him, awakening a ravenousness for Addison's body that he'd forgotten that he possessed. His hands shaking slightly, Derek rolled over her so that he was on top. "I love you too," he whispered as he pressed gossamer-light kisses to the smiling corners of her mouth. Addison's hands once again found his belt buckle but he stopped her, saying "Tonight is about you, Adds. I can wait. Let me pleasure you."

He let out a ragged gasp as she squirmed in anticipation, making their connected bodies collide in tormenting ways. The snaps of her hospital gown came undone between his talented fingers only too easily and Addison flushed a delightful pink as he pulled it slowly down her shoulders, letting the night air kiss her skin. She helped him tumble her out of it, and then she sat, bare except for a pair of the Hello Kitty panties Izzie had lent her, her white skin just begging to be ravished.

A slight moan escaped Addison's thrown back head as he captured her breast gently in his hand, caressing the skin below it and flicking the nipple gently. He peeked apprehensively up at Addison, but all she emanated was passion, so he lowered his head to her breast slowly.

"Derek!" she cried when his lips met the sensitive skin and he grinned wickedly and sucked harder. She gasped throughout his ministrations and shuddered delightedly when he moved his attention to the other breast, her nails digging into his bare shoulders. The sight of her, rosy and vulnerable before him, made the bulge in his jeans almost painful, but he knew Addison needed to be fully prepared before they moved further.

Derek let his hand fall down the luscious skin of her stomach to her already saturated panties. He pressed gently against the wet fabric and grinned. "Addie, you're really wet."

"We…el," she moaned as he located her clit through the soaking cotton and began to rub softly. "N-not having sex for five years kind of … does that to you," she breathed. "De…rek!" she gasped when he finally pushed the material aside and slid a finger into her entrance. He delved a second finger in, wishing to hear more of her breathy moans, and she obliged, groaning at every thrust as her wetness leaked onto the bed between them.

"Oh – Oh God, Derek!" she shrieked, so loudly that a vague concern for their neighboring patients entered the very small bit of his mind that was not occupied with the woman rocking onto his fingers before him.

"Come for me," he whispered to her, the words snaking into her ear along with his hot breath. Her entire body shuddered as he pumped in and out of her, her words becoming unintelligible as the pleasure mounted and he guided his ex-wife to her first orgasm in five years.

* * *

~ Addison ~

Addison attempted lazily to quiet the gasps still exuding from her as she collapsed under Derek, coming down slowly from her high as her muscles contracted slowly a few more times and the pleasure abated. Derek smiled gently as he coaxed sweaty hair from her neck and she buried her head in his bare, muscled chest, concealing her enraptured smile.

"Did you like that?" he inquired, naughtiness dousing his voice.

"Mmm," she hummed. "I can't believe the last time we had sex was conceiving Devony, and she's going to be four tomorrow."

Guilt effused Derek's face as he admitted, "God, I don't even remember that. I mean, I remember us doing it, but I don't know which time it was …"

"Well, we'll have to fix that, won't we?" she responded before seeking out his mouth covetously again, interlinking tongues famished of pleasure and bodies seeking ecstasy in the other. She wasn't quite sure what had come over her but she sensed, more strongly than ever before, that this was _right. _She wanted to be with Derek forever, and she saw no problem in starting forever right now. Derek shed his jeans of his own volition and followed them quickly by his boxers and more slowly by the panties he pulling teasingly down her legs. Addison let her knees fall naturally apart in order to encompass Derek's body as he moved in between her legs.

"Are you sure you want to -"

"_Yes._"

"You know what? You're beautiful," Derek told her, and the sheer honestly of the statement allowed her to see past the white scars illuminated by the moonlight and the way her bones still poked unnaturally out of her body and just appreciate the fact that in Derek's eyes, she _was _beautiful.

Derek paused above her, resting his weight on his knees and elbows. She moaned, urging him wordlessly to hurry up, because he was driving her out of her mind with need. "Addie, I need to know, are you absolutely s-"

"God dammit, Derek, yes, I'm sure," she growled, earning a chuckle from him. He descended down toward her, and as he slid inside her he could tell he was seeking reassurance from her movements, but that was something, that, in this moment, she couldn't grant. Derek waited while she adjusted to his length inside her, the feeling of being so intimately close to another human being. She knew she couldn't have done it with anyone else, but when Derek began to rock his hips slowly, pushing further inside her, her intense need for him peaked again and she mirrored his movements as he went deeper and faster.

Their hearts beat as one, a steady rhythm thumped out to the metrical thrusts and sweat beaded bodies. It wasn't just about the building pleasure, however, because Addison reveled in the intimacy with a man that at one time she thought could never love her again. Derek healed her as their bodies moved together, and as they both came, gasping for the suddenly necessary oxygen, she couldn't discern between their two souls.

And as she slept warm and safe in her lover's arms, she didn't know how full circle they had come.

When she woke, perfectly content in content in the soothing cocoon of Derek's body, she felt, for the first time since leaving him in the first place that shadows had taken permanent leave from her life, and the few left were ones that she and Derek could overcome. Derek was still sleeping away a day of long surgeries, his face boyish in slumber. She explored the coarseness of his stubble with a single finger, tracing the lines of the face that she loved, and she was rewarded with the fluttering of azure eyes.

"Hello," Derek breathed, adding a mile-wide smile to the greeting.

"Hello," she whispered back as she rested her chin on his bare chest and he encircled her unclothed with his warm, muscled forearms.

"Have I mentioned I love you lately?"

"Hmm, I don't know, but you certainly showed me last night," she replied with a wicked grin.

"My memory's a little fuzzy. Maybe I should show you again," he said, letting his hands drift lower down her back. "But only if you're okay with -"

"I'm fine," she assured him firmly. "Better than fine, in fact."

"How much better than fine?" Derek asked before rolling her under him again and running his hands over the legs that rose around his back before proceeding to kiss her senseless. She was so caught up in the flutterings of their connected skin that she didn't pick up on the pattering of footsteps in the hall, because as Derek's hands brushed the tender skin of her belly she wasn't aware of any worldly details.

"Rise and shine, Sleeping Beauties," Mark sang out as the door banged open and he swept into the room with an armful of balloons. "Sorry, some of the balloons … popped." His expression flitted from shocked to amused within a fraction of a second, but the others who followed behind him were less impressed. Richard covered his eyes and turned around as Addison gave an involuntary squeak and Derek pulled the sheet around her. Cristina looked revolted, Izzie delighted, Meredith nervous, George awkward and Alex utterly bored. Callie awarded her a lewd wink and Addison felt a blush creep up her cheeks and was glad Archer had finally left a week ago.

"Sorry to interrupt," Callie said wickedly.

"Nice, Shep. That hospital bed ain't even that big," Mark boomed.

"Oh god," Cristina moaned. "Can we please leave before I am forced to see any more of McDreamy and Satan?"

"Aw, come on, Cristina. It's _so _cute," Izzie giggled. Addison made sure the bedsheets were pulled to her chin and then gave them all her best burning Satan stare. It was somewhat less than effective.

"Karev!" Derek snapped warningly, and Addison noticed that the resident's eyes had slid down to her silhouette under the diaphanous sheet. It didn't bother her like it once might have, instead amusement filled her half-lidded eyes and Alex gulped.

"Well," Richard called after several discomfited seconds, still looking pointedly away. "We'll just wait out here." He held the door for the doctors, their arms full of presents and decorations, and then shut the door firmly.

"Oh God," Addison moaned as she hunted around for her hospital gown. "That was humiliating."

"I actually thought it was kind of hot," Derek grinned. "But I'm going to kick Karev's ass for trying to get an eyeful."

Half an hour later, Addison let out a string of expletives as she contemplated her handiwork. "Shit. Shit, shit, _shit_. I suck at art. It looks like a blue slug slithered all over the cake."

Addison stepped back from the monolith of a white pastry before her, careful not to trail the drooping red sleeves of her robe in the frosting. Izzie had insisted on baking the cake for Devony's fourth birthday, and it looked positively delicious. Or at least it had until Addison got to it.

"It looks great Addie. Delicious. I'm just not sure – what is that part supposed to be?" Derek asked, barely masking the amusement in his voice.

"A flower! That's a flower, Derek. I tried to write 'Happy Birthday Devony' with this stupid frosting stuff but it turned out all wrong so then I tried to turn it into a flower garden. Crap. It looks terrible." Addison sank down onto the bed dejectedly, tuning out Derek's eager but undeserved compliments. To make up for all the terror and horror they'd endured that year, Addison had wanted Devony's fourth birthday party to be perfect.

"Never mind the cake. Bailey is going to bring Tuck and Devony back from the water park any minute," Derek said, glancing at his watch. They exchanged a glance, glad that Bailey had not witnessed their morning escapade.

"The decorations are ready," Izzie said happily as she stepped back to admire the room. "We've got balloons, cake, presents … I think we're good."

"Did you get her a present? Because if not, you can share mine," Derek offered.

"Of course I got her a present," Addison said, pretending to be offended. "I ordered it online."

"Okay, okay, woman, jeez," Derek mumbled.

"So," Mark said, settling himself on Addison's bed.

"Don't go there, Mark," Derek warned.

"I just wanted to say that I'm proud of you, buddy."

"Shut up."

"Shut up is a mean word, Daddy. Don't be mean to Unca Mark." All the occupants of the room turned to see the dripping wet birthday girl, moisture clinging to her rosy skin. Devony's mouth dropped open when she saw the cake and decorations, and her gasp of delight evoked warm, fluttery feelings of motherhood.

"Happy Birthday, baby," Addison said as Devony threw herself into her arms. Derek joined their hug, enfolding them both until they couldn't breathe and collapsed into laughter.

Devony's fourth birthday was a strange sort of validation for Addison. As her daughter blew out the four pink candles and all the doctors cheered, she remembered that whether she had been kidnapped or not, she still would have been here with Derek, like she'd promised Devony. They'd all ended up where they were supposed to end up and whatever had happened in-between was just part of life.

"Did you have a good birthday?" Addison crooned several hours later to a sleepy Devony as the little girl ran her fingers over the silver locket Derek had given her. Also cradled in her arms was the iPod from Mark and Callie (Derek'd had a fit over that one), a metallic purple boom box from Izzie and Alex, a Littlest Pet Shop playset, complete with mini seahorses, from Miranda and Tuck, a princess sing-a-long DVD from George, and a Barbie Pegasus from Meredith and Finn. On the nightstand was a Swarovski crystal lily from Richard and Adele, and next to it was the light up Sleeping Beauty vanity she herself had given, along with a Nutcracker dress-up outfit. Burke had gotten her a Dora trike which he claimed was from Cristina also. In the end, Devony had been too tired to open presents from her grandmothers (Addison was frightened to see what Bizzy had gotten), aunts, and uncle.

"The best birthday ever!" Devony sighed sleepily. "But Mommy? Why was there a bunch of snakes on my cake?"

* * *

**So, I should probably mention that this story is coming to a close. Addie and Derek are almost where I want them. But don't worry. There's a multi-part epilogue. I haven't decided what parts I will put in it yet, though.**

* * *


	32. Chapter 32

**My Never**  
**Chapter 32**

Derek ~ Seattle Grace ~ present

"Dr. _Shepherd_!"

"Please tell me that's not Bailey," Derek whispered into Addison's hair, letting the delicate strands tickle his nose as he grudgingly unwound his limbs from hers while still keeping her as close to him as possible. In the two weeks since their lovemaking, they had reached an unprecedented state of closeness, but they had yet to embark on such a journey the second time.

"Sorry, honey. It's Bailey," Addison smirked, giving him a playful push out of her bed. He tried to ignore the sparks created where their skin brushed, but the more he got of Addison, the more addicted she left him in return.

"Don't look at me like I'm the only one who's been naughty," Derek chided her as she rolled over and tangled her long legs in the sheets, the picture of irresistible.

"Well, you're the only one Bailey will punish," she pointed out, pouting her full lips at him. She knew exactly what she was doing, about the feelings she was unleashing to run rampant inside him, about how hard it was for him to walk out of the room to face Bailey's wrath for an unknown wrong.

Bailey stood just outside the door, arms crossed, a predator waiting for her prey. Derek assumed a casual stance a comfortable distance away and waited for his sentencing. When she only continued to burn him with her stare nervousness blossomed inside of him. Could something be wrong with Addison? "What's going on?" he asked urgently. "Is she okay?"

"You . . . are nasty."

"Excuse me?" Derek said, taken aback and completely confused.

"I often marvel at the fact that you graduated med school," Bailey snapped. "One of God's miracles, I suppose."

"I went to Columbia," Derek reminded her, affronted.

"Standards there must be lax. I know what you did, Shepherd," she threatened.

"Did? What did I do?" Nonplussed was an understatement.

"Have you, um, _done anything_ with Addison in this hospital, you disgrace of a human being?"

"I don't see how that's any of your business," Derek said shortly, not enthusiastic about divulging details of his sex life to Dr. Bailey.

"Of course it is, you moron. Do you know what you've done?"

"Caused the Apocalypse, apparently," Derek muttered.

"No!" Bailey roared, forcing Addison's labs, which were being run every week until she was discharged, into his hands. Derek scanned them quickly, alarmed, searching for an obvious abnormality, but everything seemed to be in order. In fact, by his judgment, she could be released that week. Thinking about their house, which was in essence finished, led to his pondering to their future, and that was when he spotted it.

"Oh my God."

"Now he sees it," Bailey spat. "You, Derek Shepherd, are an idiot. She's still in the hospital, damn it! What the hell were you thinking?"

"Um, well, I wasn't," Derek admitted sheepishly.

"Well, you certainly weren't thinking with your head, you were thinking with your somewhere else!" Bailey asserted. "This is certainly not an ideal situation, _Dr. _Shepherd!"

"What's not an ideal situation?" Derek's situation was drastically deteriorated by the arrival of a concerned Richard. Squirming uncomfortably, Derek shot alternately threatening and pleading vibes at Bailey, but she completely ignored him.

"Nothing, Chief," Derek said brightly, earning a suspicious glance from his old mentor. "Nothing is going on."

"I highly doubt that," Richard said distrustfully.

"It certainly isn't nothing, Chief," Bailey said briskly. "I ran Addison's labs last week, like we always do, and everything was fine. And then I run them this week, and what do I find?"

"What?" Richard asked, now sounding quite apprehensive.

"This idiot got her pregnant!" Bailey exploded.

"Derek, you didn't!"

"What? I'm a grown man, and I can do what I want. Stop chastising me like a child."

"Did you have to get her _pregnant _though, Derek?" Richard asked.

"It's not like I meant to," Derek protested, rolling his eyes.

"Ever heard of a little thing called protection?" Bailey asked.

"Alright, alright," Richard said. "Derek, I am happy for you, even if this isn't really the best time. We'll leave you to go tell Addie, okay?"

Derek nodded. He wasn't sure what exactly to say to her. He knew blood tests could detect pregnancies as little as 7-12 days after conception. But what was he supposed to say? Congratulations, honey, you're two weeks pregnant. Thanks in advance for carrying my baby for the next nine months? He didn't think so.

* * *

~ Meredith ~

"Izzie, what is your _problem?_" Cristina snapped at the fidgety blonde resident as she approached them, slumped exhaustedly on a gurney. "We're trying to be exhausted residents here and you're messing up our groove."

"Nothing," Izzie sang with a grin. "Nothing, nothing, nothing."

"Oh come on, spill," Cristina demanded, instantly interested in whatever gossip Izzie had unearthed.

"Please, Iz?" Meredith added. It had been a long day and although she'd rather be home in front of the fire curled up with Finn, she had to take what she could get, which right now was gossip.

Izzie hesitated, biting her lip. "I'm not really supposed to know," she admitted.

"Come on!" Cristina and Meredith protested at the same time, having clamped on to Izzie's barely contained secret and unwilling to let go.

Izzie sighed and caved. "Okay, so I was going to pick up lab results for Dr. Bailey . . ."

"Mmhmm . . ." Meredith prompted.

"And I glanced at the name, and it said Addison Montgomery. So I opened it up, since, you know, we've all been monitoring her for a while and I wanted to make sure she was okay."

"And . . ." Cristina said impatiently.

Izzie did a little nervous dance. "You guys can't tell anyone. I'm pretty sure it's a secret. I didn't even tell Dr. Bailey I'd looked at the labs."

"Izzie! Will you freaking tell us already?" Meredith finally said.

"Okay, fine. Addison is . . . pregnant!" Izzie burst forth excitedly, looking as if all her dreams had come true.

"_What?"_ Cristina and Meredith both exclaimed at the same time. "Guess we saw the tail end of _that _conception," said Cristina in a disgusted tone.

"Yeah. I was so surprised and then I realized that they didn't even know yet. Dr. Bailey was just going to tell them. Isn't that the cutest thing?" Izzie squealed. But when she saw Cristina cast a worried glance at Meredith, she suddenly stopped. "Mer? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," she said quickly. "Seriously. I mean, it is a little weird . . . but I'm with Finn now. Besides, I don't know if I really want kids or not."

This problem solved, Izzie went on in rapture, "Imagine another Devony!"

"Great. Vampire child #1 and vampire child #2," Cristina said sarcastically.

"Or a little boy -"

"Look, Iz, it's lovely and all, but I think Cristina and I would like to go back to being dark and twisty for now," Meredith said firmly, leaving a very disappointed Izzie in her wake.

* * *

~ Addison ~

"What was that about?" Addison inquired the second her harried looking ex-husband reentered the room. He looked quite shaken, but amidst the confusion she sensed an overwhelming joy that she could not account for.

"Scoot over," he said finally, and climbed carefully into the bed with her. She rested her head on his shoulder, and he played with her copper hair for a while. He knew she was curious, but for the moment they were both simply content with being held in each other's arms. The hand that was not massaging Addison's scalp gently slid carefully over her hip bone, settling on her stomach.

Confused, Addison twisted around, wondering what accounted for his strange behavior. He looked almost frighteningly happy, like he'd sailed away on some sea of bliss, but she doubted that anything from a lecture from Richard could have such an effect. His talks usually left them disgruntled, especially when he'd find them making out in closets in New York.

"What are you smiling about?" Addison whispered, tracing the planes of his face with a delicate finger.

He turned to face her. "Addie, I have to tell you something." She frowned, cocking her head to the side with a slight smile. A kind of fluttering invaded her belly, because Derek was as easily readable as a book to her and she could tell the news was nothing life threatening, but that only served to make her more impatient.

"What is it, Derek?" she demanded.

Derek turned jubilant indigo orbs on her, and the feelings coursing through her intensified. "Well, Addie, I'm not sure exactly how you're going to react to this . . . Really, it should be you telling me this. I also apologize for the timing, it's not that I'm not happy about this, but you're still sick and in the hospital."

She rolled her eyes edgily. "Please, Derek, just tell me already!"

He sighed. "Well, you know what we did not too long ago here . . ." She raised an eyebrow, wondering if they were thinking of the same thing, and he nodded. "Yes, that. Adds, we're having . . . we didn't exactly use any protection . . . I know this will come as a shock . . . the only reason we know this early is because of the blood test . . . but that night, one of those nights . . ." She narrowed her eyes, and then they widened in shock as she realized what he was saying. "Addie, you're pregnant."

Her hand jerked to join his on her stomach as if pulled by an invisible string to the developing mass of cells that grew underneath the membranes of her skin, morphing into a child awash with the qualities she loved best about Derek.

"Devony was right," she chuckled. "She always drew another baby in with our family, and I was eventually going to ask if you wanted to have more kids, but I didn't think it would happen now. Another baby," she crooned to her stomach as she was suddenly drenched in the maternal feelings that had also occupied her pregnancies with Evelyn and Devony.

"Yeah, we're having a baby," he whispered, his voice imbued with sheer amazement and the early flutterings of fatherly love.

"Maybe it'll be a boy this time," Addison said, kissing him gently on the lips. "I love our girls, both our girls, but it would be fun to have a boy too."

"I'm betting that Dev is going to want a sister," Derek laughed.

"Maybe, but she does get along rather well with Tuck. I think she'd like a brother too. Think of all the trouble they'll get into."

"We can always have more kids later," Derek pointed out impishly, and Addison pictured them with a parade of precocious, beautiful babies. "Whichever she doesn't get from this pregnancy, she'll get from the next. How does that sound?"

"How many times are you planning on knocking me up, Derek?" she smirked.

"At least once more, Ms. Montgomery. Although preferably lots more."

"Well, we'll see if you'll be singing the same tune when it's your hand I'm almost breaking in labor," she warned. "Or you I'm yelling at when I get fat. Or you cooking the weird food I'm going to crave. You should have seen some of the things I ate when I was pregnant with Dev."

"I should have been there," he said, and she knew guilt was suffusing him because she felt the sudden clench of his fists under her shoulders. It still made him hate himself when he spoke of how he'd treated her, and she knew that remorse was a difficult emotion to dislodge, but she also wanted more than anything to move on. Her fingers found the back of his hand and he unclenched his fist as she assured him wordlessly that all was forgiven.

"You should have been there. But we both should or shouldn't have done a lot of things, Derek. We need to let it go now. We've talked about it, we've forgiven each other, and we've learned from our mistakes. Now it's time to let go," she told him.

He sighed, as if banishing the persistent regrets of their past before rolling over to brush his lips over her neck amorously. "Der," she said, remembering a certain promise before they passed the point of no return.

"Mmm," he groaned, moving to the hollow at the base of her throat.

"Derek!" Addison said, a little louder. "You promised Dev you'd pick her up from the daycare at one thirty. Guess what time it is?"

Derek left and returned with a wiggling Devony poking over one shoulder. Her daughter waved happily before running to the electronic keyboard Carolyn had sent for her birthday. The device played various Disney tunes, but Devony opted for a song of her own creation and pounded the notes loudly. This gave Addison a jarring headache and filched any opportunities of rest in order to grow the child inside of her. "Der?" she asked weakly. "I'm really tired."

Derek nodded and loped over to their daughter, resting a palm on the top of her shiny ebony curls. "Dev, honey? I love your music, but Mommy needs some rest now. Can you play with some other toys?"

Devony glanced around with a smile but pretended not to have heard him as she pounded the keyboard even more furiously. Addison was worried that she would break it, but then again, if she did, she might actually get a few minutes of sleep.

"Devony," Derek said more sternly.

"Devie, are you being naughty?" Addison asked, and she thought she heard a soft, mischievous giggle.

"Mommy needs some rest now," Derek said.

"No, Daddy," Devony cried over the noise she was making. "I don't want to stop!"

"Mommy needs to sleep now, Dev, and Daddy needs you to listen to me."

"Why?" the little girl whined, scrambling over to them. "Mommy has been sweeping forever!"

Derek raised an eyebrow at Addison, who nodded. Devony had endured a move across the country in the presence of strangers, numerous hospital trips and basically having her short life turned completely upside down. And while explaining why that was to her daughter would fall to her someday, Addison hoped to delay it for as long as possible. Still, she wanted to relate to Devony what she could.

Derek swung the squealing child up by her armpits and planted her on the bed between them, restraining her squirming body gently. Devony harrumphed and rolled onto her back, utterly bored, while Addison lifted the hospital gown over her hips to expose her stomach.

"Devony," Addison said, marveling at how minute her daughter's hand looked against the home of her tiny sibling, "Mommy and Daddy have something to tell you."

"I know, I know, be quiet 'cause Mommy needs to sleepie," Devony mumbled.

"Yes, we need to be quiet, because you know what? Mommy is growing a teeny baby inside her stomach," Derek informed his daughter, letting her share their wonder.

"A baby?" Devony asked, as if she'd never heard of such a thing before. "How did it get there, Daddy? Did she swallow it?"

"No, baby, she didn't swallow it," Derek chuckled. "It's in her uterus."

"Did you put it there?" Devony asked suspiciously.

Derek paused, clearly unsure how to field that tricky little question, so Addison stepped in. "It's hard to explain, Dev, but in just a few months you'll be able to hold the baby."

"I thought the baby was in your tummy."

"It is right now. Mommy's tummy is going to get very big soon, so the baby has enough room."

"You're going to get fat, Mommy?" Devony asked.

"No, not fat," Derek corrected. "That's going to be the baby inside of her."

"Oh!" Devony gasped, as if her father had just explained the inner workings of the world. She leaned over Addison's stomach curiously, and then, with extreme tenderness, laid her head on it, as if her tiny sibling could talk to her. Unfortunately, at that moment, Addison felt her stomach give off a hungry growl, and Devony leaped back, alarmed.

"The baby growled at me!" she shrieked.

"No, I'm just hungry," Addison corrected, but Devony still narrowed her eyes at her stomach suspiciously.

At that moment there was a knock on the door, which opened to reveal Richard and Burke. Devony skipped over to them happily and lost no time in informing them that, "Mommy has a baby in her utopia!"

"Uterus," Addison corrected from the bed.

"That's what I said," Devony argued.

"That's what we came in here to talk to you about," Richard admitted hesitantly. "I know you want to leave, Addie, but I think it's best if you stay a few more days, just so we can monitor you and make sure your body can support this baby."

Her stomach plummeted as she wondered if their celebration was premature. After being dragged by her nails through hell, she was actually surprised they'd been able to conceive, and now if something happened to their unborn child because of _her _lack of foresight …

"It's nothing to stress yourself out over," Burke said in his deep, calm voice. "It's just imperative that we get your body as healthy as possible before releasing you."

Before anyone had the chance to say any more, the door burst open again, this time revealing Mark and Callie, their faces full of congratulations. "Unca Mark, Mommy's having a baby and it's in her utility!" Devony screamed, running to hug her faux-uncle.

"Uterus," Derek, Addison, Burke, and the Chief corrected at the same time. Callie squealed something about not caring where the baby was, which inspired some dirty remarks from Mark, but she only slapped him and proceeded to pat Addison's stomach vigorously.

At that moment, there was a scuffle at the door and Meredith, Izzie, Cristina, and George fell through, their flushed faces stating clearly that they'd been eavesdropping.

"There's a baby in Mommy's ultrasound," Devony stated without preamble.

Addison put her head in her hands. "No, Dev, that's what you _look _at a baby with."

"Well, it's clear she's not gonna be an OB," Mark said with a wicked smirk. "How do you feel about plastics, Dev?"

"My Barbies have plastic boobies," the little girl affirmed nonchalantly.

"They're not the only ones," Mark told her seriously.

"Ooo-kay," Derek said. "Addie, we'll let you get some rest. Uterus girl, I'll get you a cookie. Various other people in this room, disperse."

* * *

~ Derek ~

Derek spoke quickly into his cell phone, trying to verbally solve a problem with the plumbing of their new house. Sighing, he cast a look over at Devony, who was actively seeking out trouble, and then groaned in frustration. "No, no, I can't wait that long. My wife … isn't there anyone else who could …? Okay. Alright. I don't care how expensive it is!" he stated for what felt like the millionth time.

He realized a minute later that Devony had left his sight, but as he turned, anticipating disaster, the world moved in slowly, like in a horror movie. His daughter was approaching a man possessing the configuration of a sumo wrestler, smiling benignly. "Congwatulaswons, mister," she said loudly.

"What?" the man turned, towering over Devony, his voice bewildered. Derek swore, understanding what was about to happen three seconds before it did, but he didn't get to his daughter in time to prevent her next words.

"Your baby is bigger than Mommy's," Devony continued to Derek's absolute mortification. "And squishier too," she giggled, poking his rotund belly.

Derek grabbed Devony's hand quickly, towing her away from the furious and humiliated man. "Devony, that man is not having a baby," he explained quickly. "Men can't have babies."

Devony was completely nonplussed. "But Daddy, you said a big tummy meant there was a baby inside."

"Not all the time, sweetie. And never for boys."

"I don't understand Daddy," she sniffed. "How do babies get here? Nobody told me, except Unca Mark said something 'bout naughty storks."

* * *

**Um, there are two chapters left, and one is epilogue. Well, I might do two epilogues if you are good and review ...**


	33. Chapter 33

**My Never**  
**Chapter 33**

**Wow. This is it – the very last official chapter, besides the two epilogue chapters. I have to admit, writing this made me smile :D. I can't believe Derek and Addie are finally at the end of their journey.**

* * *

Mark ~ Derek's property ~ present

Mark looked through the misting rain up at the cottage towering above him, pushing through the dreariness of Seattle like a misplaced fairytale. It was all russet wood and stone archways and pergolas adorned with rose bushes, not exactly Mark's style but beautiful all the same. He could see Addison and Derek in it, raising a brood of Shepherd children as the dream couple they were becoming again after healing all past wrongs.

"I say we steal it for ourselves," Callie whispered in his ear seductively, her arms curling tantalizingly around his shoulders. Sure, they had secured a different sort of happiness for themselves, neither of them exactly being conventional, and Mark enjoyed discovering all the things he'd been missing throughout the years. "Derek and Addison won't be here for a while …"

Mark was seriously considering taking her up on that offer as he pulled the raven haired woman into his arms to kiss her intensely, but his phone vibrated in the back pocket of his jeans and he sighed at Derek's capacity for neediness.

"Sloan," he answered sharply. "What is it this time, Derek?"

"Unca Mark?" came the giggly whisper from the phone, and Mark recognized Devony's voice instantly and let a smile dominate his face for his surrogate niece. He supposed that having a child like her wouldn't be so bad someday.

"Dev, did you steal another cell phone? I remember you stealing that social worker's the day we met you …"

"Daddy is being boring," Devony complained wretchedly, and Mark could picture the four-year-old curled up in the corner of the jewelry store and frowning at her father. "He's taking forevwer to – wait, no, Daddy, no, I has to talk to Unca -"

Devony's voice was replaced by Derek's. "Mark, I am seriously freaking out here, so please, please tell me that the house is done."

"The house is done," Mark confirmed, skating his foot over the gravel driveway. "Landscapers finished a few hours ago, Adele, Izzie, and Miranda just left, and the furniture looks great, even Addie won't have anything to complain about. The fridge is stocked; you need to pay me back for that champagne …"

"Okay," Derek said, his voice exuding stress and happiness in equal quantities. "I have to go, Mark, but thanks, and I'll talk to you later …"

Mark sighed, shook his head, and turned back to Callie. "Whadya say we head back to our own love shack? I think our work here is done …"

* * *

Devony ~ Tiffany & Co.

Devony contemplated her panicking father with confusion, unable to comprehend why he was so worried about a _ring_. She had lots of rings, pink rings, purple rings, rings with googly eyes, that she could lend him and spare him the hassle, but he had said he needed a different sort of ring.

"Daddy," Devony said as Derek paced between the glass cases yet again, running a hand through his perfectly styled curls, "Why do you need to get Mommy a ring? She already has a ring. She wears it around her neck."

Derek bestowed a smile on her and swept her onto his shoulders, ignoring the disapproving looks of the employees, and tickled the undersides of her knees gently, making her giggle and squirm and nearly topple into the expensive jewelry. "Well, Dev, those rings represent my old life with your mother, but we're going to start a new life, together, with you and the baby, so we're getting new rings."

Devony tapped her chin, considering this. The only change to her life would be living in a house instead of a hospital, but this seemed important to her father, so she peered over his shoulder and looked at all the sparkly rings being displayed. "Daddy," she said after a minute, "how about that one?"

Derek bent with her still riding his back, and had a salesman pull out the ring for him. Devony listened carefully as the man explained that the circular diamond was 1.5 carats, flanked by two pear shaped diamonds in the platinum setting. She memorized the details so she could have Tuck buy a similar one for when she got married. He was disappointed that she said they had to date for three years first, but compromised when she promised to let him kiss her on the lips at their wedding.

"This is perfect," Derek breathed. "Excellent work, Dev. You've got your mother's taste, that's for sure."

"I'd still rather have a rainbow ring," Devony responded. "But I like that sparkly one too, Daddy."

"You think Mommy will like it?"

"Yeah. Auntie Savvy said they're her bestest friend."

"Diamonds?"

"Yeah. She also said Hannah Montana is an obnoxious slut and that there's no such thing as too much chocolate. Auntie Savvy's wreally smart."

"I'm sure she is," Derek said, adding an eye roll to the establishment. He loved Savvy, of course, but she tended to be a bit … _frank _for conversations with a small child. Banishing these distracting thoughts from his mind, Derek knelt beside his daughter and placed his hands gently on his shoulders, making sure their mirrors of eyes were connected. "Listen, baby. I know you want to go see the new house but I'm going to need you to stay with Uncle Mark and Callie for a bit, all right? This is important to Daddy."

Devony shrugged, recognizing her advantage, and pushed for a more slanted compromise. "Okay," she said finally. "But only if I get to play my pwrincess keyboard with M&M's. I saw it on Princess Diaries."

"Sure," Derek said. "We'll let Uncle Mark deal with that one. He needs to practice cleaning chocolate off kids in case he and Callie ever have any."

* * *

~ Addison ~

"Now, remember, Addie, if you feel even the least bit not fine, you call us, okay? Or have Derek take you in. Because as of right now this is a high risk pregnancy and I don't want anything to happen to you or my future grandbaby. Got it?"

"Okay, Richard, I got it," Addison laughed, exasperation coloring her voice as she complied with hospital policy and accepted a wheelchair escort out to the parking lot, where Derek was bringing the car around.

"You better be damn sure," Bailey muttered from beside them. She glared at the various doctors who were staring unabashedly at the newly healed and 2½ week pregnant Addison Montgomery, casting out warnings and discomfort with just her volatile brown eyes.

"I am an OB," Addison reminded them, but she might have well been speaking into thin air for all the response that garnered. "And one of the foremost neonatal …"

"Foremost neonatal blah, blah, blah," Alex, who had just approached them, cut in. "Here, Dr. Montgomery. Izzie made these for you and the baby." He placed a basket of warm cookies on her lap and Addison inhaled the scent longingly but decided to wait until the car until totally pigging out.

"Tell her thanks for me!" Addison called to the young resident as he hurried away to answer a page. "And I promise you a spot on my service when I return!"

"Will do, Dr. M!" he replied.

They had nearly reached the door before Preston hurried up to them, carrying a wrapped gift in his large, steady hands. "Congratulations, Addison. You know we all love having you in this hospital, but we prefer you as a doctor instead of a patient."

Addison peeled off the paper to find a jazz CD of a group she'd never heard of, but, as Preston commended them, was sure she'd enjoy. "It's for the baby," he explained. "I don't know what you did to make Dev such a genius but I thought we could instill a love of music early with this one …"

"Devony had to listen to medical jargon all the time, so that explains her," Addison chuckled. "Thanks, Preston, this is great. I'll try to grow a musical prodigy for you, okay?"

"That's all I ask. See you soon," he promised before patting her shoulder and seeking out an impatient Cristina.

Richard had barely pushed open the double doors to wheel her out into the parking lot in the hospital version of a throne when a brand spankin' new twilight grey '09 Lexus LX rolled up, with Derek behind the wheel. Addison's jaw dropped as she took in the perfection of a car, complete with DVD player, GPS, and an intuitive parking system.

"Like it?" he inquired as he stepped out with a bright grin and assisted her in climbing into the front seat without displaying too much of her underwear for the parking lot to see. "I thought with another kid on the way and all the vacations I have planned an SUV would be a must …"

"It's amazing, Derek. I get out of the hospital and you buy me a new $80,000 car? I guess I should be a patient more often."

"Not if I have anything to say about it, because next time I'm afraid a heart attack is eminent."

"I guess if you're afraid to see me in the hospital again you'll have to deliver the baby on the floor of the trailer …" Derek winced and she smirked in triumph. "Anyway, Der, where's Dev? I'm surprised you managed to suck her away from this DVD player."

"She's with Mark and Callie," he explained lightly, and the twinkle in his eye hinted at dastardly plans for the two of them she could only guess at.

"All right, you two," Richard eyed them speculatively, "Be safe. Derek, I expect you back next week. Addie, you can start working whenever you feel comfortable."

"Thanks, Richard," Derek said while Addison nodded her head fervently, "For everything."

"I know all about second chances – well, technically for you two, this is the third. I'm just glad you got another one. Don't mess it up," their old mentor warned. "Oh, and by the way, Adele is planning a dinner party next week." He shut the car door, slamming closed one of the most painful but enlightening periods of her life.

Addison played with the hem of her hospital gown against the leather seat with one hand, her other resting on their baby as she occasionally peered over at Derek from under her lashes. He hummed meaninglessly, but, whenever he caught her looking, granted her a huge grin. It was so flawless, so dreamlike that her most hidden wishes had come true that she was having difficulty believing it was real.

"I still can't believe it sometimes. After everything that happened, we're lucky enough to be _here_," she said, emphasizing the last word.

"I think we were always headed here," he argued lightly, joining their hands between the wide seats. "All that other stuff was just meant to push us here because we're so damn stubborn."

Addison gazed out over the towering evergreens, which, instead of a nuisance that represented a life in a city they hated, as they had five years ago, they now inspired peace and tranquility inside her. "It probably sounds crazy, maybe a little masochistic, but I'd do it again, just to end up right here, with you," she admitted softly.

"I'd give anything to have switched places with you," Derek stated, his knuckles turning white on the steering wheel. "But since I can't, I just thank God everyday that you're here beside me."

"We're Addison-and-Derek," she grinned.

"And we don't quit," he finished, squeezing her fingers. This probably didn't have quite the effect he was hoping, because through the sprinkling rain she recognized the turn off to Derek's trailer.

"The trailer?" she harrumphed, crossing her arms over her chest, her heart plummeting low into her stomach. She would almost rather be stuck in the hospital.

Derek gave her a placating smile that had zero potency. "Just for a few weeks, and then we'll start looking at houses, I promise."

"Maybe I'll just sleep in the car. It's the nicer of your large pieces of metal," she grumbled, trying not to imagine wood-chopping, flannel-wearing Derek, an energetic four-year-old and a pregnant, cranky version of herself sharing the trailer. It did not paint a particularly happy picture, and Addison found herself frowning at the mossy emerald undergrowth, as if it was the plants' fault she had only a tin can to go home to.

She frowned in confusion when their tires screeched against the sudden change to gravel and craned her neck, wondering if Derek had taken a wrong turn. The interest changed to awe when they rounded the last grouping of foliage and she saw what loomed before them: a beautiful cottage, shrouded in mist and surrounded by a sloping green lawn and beautiful forest. Addison could've sworn Derek had reached in and plucked it straight out of a fairytale, something she was sure he wouldn't hesitate to do if it was possible.

Rendered speechless, she could only gape at the gorgeous family-sized cottage, noting that ivy had been planted near the stone portions and that vines with white flowers were entwined around the pergola in front. It was even more beautiful than the brownstone and had a park all to its own, and through her tears she could barely make out Derek's proud, pleased smile.

She also glimpsed the trailer hiding behind a few trees and smiled evilly to herself, picturing all the things she could do to it. Like burning it. Spray painting it. Egging it. Maybe she could even get some dynamite …

Derek popped open his car door, interrupting her malevolent trailer fantasies, and hurried around to her side, opening hers as well so she could take in air that smelled of rose petals and sawdust and the mist that hovered on top of the wildly growing grass. "Do you like it?" he asked, leaning on the car next to her, clearly already anticipating the answer.

She shook her head, bringing forth a confused frown from him. "I love it, Derek," she choked out through her tears. "After all you've done for me I don't know how I'll ever do anything that compares."

Derek was on his knee in a second on the ground beside the elevated seat of the car, one hand tugging on hers and the other presenting a platinum ring with three glimmering diamonds. "Marry me."

"W-what?" she stuttered, taken completely off guard.

"I know we made a mess of it last time, Addie," he said calmly, his twinkling azure eyes beseeching, "but for the first nine years of our marriage we distilled true happiness each and every day. With all we know now, and with all we've discovered and all we've got to lose, I think – I _believe_ we can do it again. We can get back what we once were. Because when I look at you, Addie, all I see is forever."

"Forever is feeling our babies move through your skin. Forever is the way you laugh, unrestrained and utterly filled with joy. Forever is the way you make me feel, the man I've become because you let me take you out for coffee on that snow covered night, the fact that I can't truly live without you by my side. I love you, Addison Forbes Montgomery. And I can't promise to never hurt you again, I can't promise that there won't be yelling and fights, all I can promise is that I will love you with all of my heart until the end of forever. So, will you marry me … again?"

* * *

~ Derek ~

The gravel pushed into Derek's knees, grating against his bones and staining his pants with large, wet blossoms as the rain frosted his body in tiny droplets. He could hardly feel it. Addison was sitting completely frozen in the seat of the car, shock waves emanating from her still form. He was beginning to feel apprehensive – was it too soon? – when suddenly she launched herself into his arms, wrapping her lengthy legs around his waist and kissing him with a passion that permeated his very soul.

"You were actually worried for a second there, weren't you?" she whispered into the moist black hair that curled around his ear when they paused for a much needed dose of oxygen.

"Nuh-uh," he protested quickly.

She rolled her eyes. "Of _course_ I'll marry you again, Derek. Nothing would make me happier. Except perhaps your secret for being able to afford a luxury SUV, a Tiffany's ring, and a large and very expensive looking house in just a few months."

Derek wiggled his fingers in front of her face as an answer, and, when she expressed nothing but confusion, cupped her face, fingers caressing her delicate skin, and whispered, "Two million dollar a year hands, remember?"

She laughed and kissed him again as rain fell softly on their joined faces, soaking through her hospital gown and leaving it see-through, but he couldn't complain because she was huddled as closely as possible to his body for warmth. When shivers began to wrack her body he stood, still cradling her, and started to walk toward the front door of their house and the rest of their lives.

* * *

**Yes, very fluffy, I know, but they needed a happy ending. Epilogues coming soon!**

* * *


	34. Epilogue

**My Never  
Epilogue**

**I've rewritten this epilogue several times (I've had it planned since the beginning) and this is the final version ... enjoy :)**

* * *

Derek ~ The Cottage ~ 3 years, 7 months later (Christmas Eve)

He was enjoying the early morning dew of slumber in the heaping of down pillows and flannel sheets his wife had installed at the fall of the very first snowflake of an unusually cold winter. His nose was pressed against a patch of his wife's arm, flooding his nostrils with faint perfume, and he thought, bogged down in comfort as he was, that he never wanted to rise from the bed again.

"Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Guess what?"

"Dada! Dada! It snowed!"

Two solid thumps hit the bed at lightning speed and Derek let out a groan as they collided with his buried legs and rolled over, seeking a few more instances of sleep. Devony, of course, an early riser since he'd met her, would never allow such a thing; she yanked the comforter back to reveal his tousled head of curls.

"Merry Christmas Eve, Daddy!" the seven-year-old trilled in delight. Soft obsidian waves curled around her face, which grew more flawless with each passing second. Derek was already contemplating purchasing a gun in preparation for her teenage years and hiding it in the basement.

Caden, who had just turned three, bounced up beside his sister, tangled in the fleecy plaid pajama pants Addison had purchased a little big. The boy had a head of red curls several shades darker than Addison's but much lighter than his, the perfect mix of their hair, and his eyes were a soft, stormy grey like Derek's father's had been. "Happy Cwistmash, Daddy!"

"Merry Christmas Eve, Munchkins," Derek greeted, pretending to be grumpy as he emerged from the sheets and pressed kisses to each of their foreheads. He had barely brushed Caden's abundant hair out of the way when a trail of babbles sounded from the crib near the window and a tiny red head appeared. "All your screaming woke the baby," Derek told his two other children before crossing the room to pluck his thirteen-month-old from the crib.

Caden and Devony trailed after him, their ice cold toes under long the fleece pajamas that trailed on the floor silent enough to not wake their mother.

"Does snow taste like ice cwream, Daddy?" Caden asked as he peered out the windowsill to see their large backyard blanketed in white fluff.

"Unfortunately not, Cay."

"I still want to taste it. Can Mommy wake up so we can go outside?"

Vienna babbled happily when she spotted her brother and sister, getting bubbly drool on her pink striped sleeper, and rubbing her fists in her dazzling blue eyes to banish the sleep. Derek tenderly fixed the bow in the small patch of bright crimson hair before plunking her down on the bed, deciding she could have the job of waking Addison.

"Whah time izzit? Do I have to get up?" Addison murmured as Vienna turned her back into a jungle gym, grabbing fistfuls of pink silk in her chubby little hands as she crawled and cooed in delight when she unearthed her mother's matching hair.

"Yes, you have to get up," Derek told her, amused, as he pressed kisses on the bare ridges of her spine. "We've got a busy day ahead of us."

"I think I'll sleep a little longer."

"Oh, no you don't," Derek admonished, half panicking. "Because I haven't got a clue how to do a ballet bun and you know it."

"I've showed you before a half a million rehearsals," Addison complained as she hauled herself from the bed and wobbled as Caden and Devony launched themselves at her. "Besides, you grew up with five sisters; you're practically a girl yourself."

"What does that make you, then?" Derek asked wickedly.

"Someone who was foolishly taken in by your 'McDreamy' charms."

"Hey, if I remember correctly, you married me twice," Derek pointed out as vivid images of the small ceremony of their second wedding paraded through his mind. Addison, of course, would have never gone near the small park in anything other than Vera Wang, and they were remarried just two months after she returned home so she wouldn't have to buy a maternity gown. The nuptials had been short and sweet and orchestrated by the both of them in order to reflect the promises both of them wanted to hear. Afterward, friends and family gathered for an evening reception in the park, abundant in music and strawberry champagne and paper lanterns. It had been an absolutely perfect start to the life they'd both secretly coveted.

Addison murmured something about them not having fixed her brain properly as she stumbled sleepily toward the door, one hand on Caden's bronze head and the other on Devony's. Derek ran his fingers over Vienna's tummy, releasing a trail of happy giggles as the baby flailed her fists, seeking out his perfectly styled waves. "Dada," she cooed when she caught them, and Derek felt a tug on his heart as he did every time he met her big blue eyes.

"You hungry, baby girl? Maybe Mommy will let you try some pancakes. God knows they're the only thing she can bake."

"I heard that!"

Derek smirked and followed his family downstairs, where Devony and Caden branched off toward the back door and contemplated the wet, white fluff with awed faces. Addison waddled into the kitchen and began throwing pancake ingredients on the table, he set Vienna in her favorite swing (Callie had given them several of her daughter's old things) and sifted through the mail for something to do.

Several of the letters were from the foundation Addison had begun, via her trust fund, to raise awareness about and stop sex trafficking. She and Casey, one of the other six survivors that she had met in the hospital three years ago, had started the Red Light foundation after the trial, in which some but not all of the perpetrators were convicted and jailed. Derek knew Addison was immensely proud of the project, close to as proud as he was of her. She redefined strength in ways he couldn't have fathomed before meeting her.

Derek's knuckles were bleach-white as the muscles in his hands contracted, forming fists as they always did whenever he though of the trial. It took place four months after bringing Addison home, and he would never forget watching his pregnant wife at the stand under the sadistic glances of the bastards who tortured her, trying to put into words what they'd done. But Addison kept her eyes on him the entire time, forming a channel between their separated bodies, and when he neared tears she told him, through that look alone, that he needed to take Devony and leave.

He had heeded her wishes, because, much as he wished to continue lending silent support, he knew Devony could not know the extent of what had happened to her mother, at least not at that time, and that it was his responsibility to pace the halls with her in his arms, sobbing as softly as possible into the baby blue velvet of her hoodie.

Derek was roused from his musings by Vienna's singsong calls of, "Da! Da! Pahn!" No sooner had he lifted the baby into his arms than there was a shriek from near the back door and he turned to see Caden shoulder-deep in snow. Vienna was placed on the floor, where she immediately headed for the field of white freedom outside, while Derek fished his crying son out of the clumped snowflakes and tried to keep the other two out of the snow.

Caden 'Squirt' Shepherd was born on the cool March night that he, Addie, and Devony were returning via ferry from the quaint, cute town of Bainbridge Island. The labor happened so fast, with Addison's water breaking all over her Diana Von Furstenburg wrap dress and her cursing the ruined material and the soft wind and ferries in general. She dilated so quickly he feared his son was about to be born on a boat.

"Mommy?" Devony had asked midway through a contraction while Derek persuaded a passenger to go inform the captain that they needed to dock in Seattle _immediately._ "Does it hurt?"

"Yes, it hurts!" Addison had growled.

"Squirt is naughty already," she observed delightedly before resuming her play with her toys. "When he's born we can put him in time-out."

In the end they had raced through the ER doors just in time and by that time Addison was writhing in pain, her torso curling as she struggled to expel their son from her body. He was terrified even though it was theoretically his third child and he remembered Evelyn's pale, cold body and Addison telling him about Devony getting meningitis when she was only a few months old …

It took six hours and squeezed tears and flailing limbs and the terrible, terrible pushing that tore her skin and left her raw before his son left her body. He cut the cord, he held the baby, covered in blood and amniotic fluid and who knew what else, and placed him on Addison's chest.

Their son had a full head of hair and slate grey eyes and he was perfect even after the rough birthing process. He couldn't help sliding his fingers over the auburn curls and the little button nose and the eyelids that were shut tight in protest to the sudden brightness.

"You want to name him?" Addison breathed, so softly he wasn't sure she'd actually said it.

"What?"

"I came up with Evelyn and although I chose Devony to sound like Derek I still picked it by myself … so I want you to name him."

He hadn't told her he'd been studying baby name books with more attention than he'd given the Bible in years and maybe the names he liked tended toward traditional or overused but he still had one he thought would fit. "Caden," he replied, basking in the perfection of the scene.

"Caden?" Devony asked later. "It sounds like an egg."

"It dwoesn't tasted like ice cwream, Daddy!" Caden yelled as Derek stripped him down and swaddled him in a blanket. "It dwoesn't, it dwoesn't," the little boy continued to chant even as Addison placed warm, perfectly formed chocolate chip pancakes on his plate. Devony had managed to stay dry but was eying the snow longingly, while Vienna was much more fascinated by the dark chocolate staining her fingers.

The shrill ringing of the phone redirected Derek's intended trajectory, which was to kiss his wife senseless while she flipped the pancakes, an act that he found surprisingly sensual. Then again, Addison could probably do most anything and make it sensual. But that was beside the point.

"Hello?" Derek said lazily into the phone as he rested his chin on Addison's silk-clothed shoulder.

"Hey, Derek."

"Hey, Meredith," he whispered softly. "You did it?"

"Yup, I think we got one."

"Really?"

"Yeah, she's the runt of the litter, so she's a little small, but I think Dev will love her." Meredith was officially back with Finn, and though they hadn't had the most amicable ending possible, Derek was glad she had finally procured happiness. The plan was for Meredith's vet to find Devony a pure white husky for Christmas, an endeavor they hadn't had much luck at until today.

"Thanks, Meredith. We were getting a little worried, it being Christmas Eve and all. I'll come pick her up after the play, okay?"

"All right, Derek, see you there. Bye."

"We got one?" Addison asked while glancing at Devony to make sure the seven-year-old was occupied with wolfing down her pancakes.

"Mmm," Derek confirmed as he pulled the silk robe off her shoulder and began to kiss the faint scar still painted there. Shivers of delight assailed Addison as he rested a hand on her stomach and used the other to gently turn her chin so their lips could meet. Their mouths molded together and the kiss deepened with intensity that resulted in the collision of teeth …

"Ew! Mommy and Daddy, get a trailer!"

"Excuse me?" Derek chuckled, looking inquiringly at Devony. Although Addison had hated _living _in the trailer, he had discovered that doing other things was perfectly acceptable there.

"Well, Unca Mark said to say to get a room when you started doin' that, but personally I think you need a whole trailer. So go to the trailer," Devony sniffed haughtily. "I actually want to eat, you know."

"Yeah, I actuwally wants to _eated_," Caden echoed, though it was clear he hadn't picked up on the key points of the conversation.

"Then eat, you two," Derek instructed them. "Look at Vienna. I don't see her complaining."

"That's because she's a _baby_. Her brain is too small."

"Actually, Dev, our brains shrink as we get older," Derek informed his daughter before placing his lips back on Addison's. She tasted of chocolate and comfort and love so powerful it was difficult not to do more than kiss her in front of their children. But he needn't have worried because before thirty seconds had transpired, Addison caught sight of the clock over his shoulder and shrieked into his mouth.

"Shit! Shoot, I mean shoot. We're going to be late!"

* * *

~ Addison ~

"Come on, Cay, just hang it up!" Addison begged her son as Caden hovered in front of the fireplace, stocking in hand. "We've gotta go get ready, buddy."

Caden finally hung his stocking irresolutely and then flung himself into her arms. She hung him upside down; ruffled his still-soaking copper locks, and then tucked him against her hip as she hunted down his clothes.

Although the three-year-old couldn't read books as Devony could at his age, he could read music, Preston had gotten his wish about a musical genius, and although Uncle Mark was indisputably Devony's favorite, Caden had a closer relationship with 'Unca Press.'

Once small arms had been wormed into a dress shirt and legs kicked into little khakis, Addison released Caden, knowing that although he didn't spell angelic proportion (he had learned too much from Devony) his clothes would inevitably be messed up anyway by mischievous play. Caden ran straight to the piano and ran his teenie fingers over the keys, absorbing the cadence of the notes before beginning to play out of his Christmas songbook. He'd loved music from the moment she'd first felt him move and the only way to get him to sleep as a baby was when Derek played the cadaver song he'd made up so many years ago.

Derek had already gotten Vienna outfitted in a bubble-hemmed Burberry baby dress and was trying to keep the baby girl from blowing bubbles all over the red, white and beige flower pattern of the fabric. Vienna kicked and cooed whenever he wiped her chubby little chin, her sausage fingers entwined in her mop of crimson hair which was on the edge of clashing with the dress.

Addison focused in on Devony, sweeping her long ebony locks up and twisting them into a graceful ballet bun. The seven-year-old waited with uncharacteristic patience, Addison had noticed a jump in maturity ever since she had started fourth grade. Initially she'd been worried about Devony – or any child, really – skipping two grades of school, but at Seattle Preparatory they'd worked it out so Devony had some advanced academic courses but got to interact with children her own age too.

"Is everyone coming?" Devony sang as she adjusted her sparkle-doused snowflake leotard and Addison placed a tiara in front of the midnight curls. "Everyone is coming to see me be a snowflake in the Nutcracker, right?"

"They're all coming," Addison promised. Devony had gleaned a part in a prestigious performance of the Nutcracker through her ballet class (she was perfectly well-behaved when it wasn't Hannah Montana) and had been practicing the dance for months.

"Unca Mark is coming? And Aunt Callie? And Acacia?"

"Yes," Addison said patiently. Devony had refused to drop her nickname for Mark and instead adopted an appropriate one for Callie when they gpt married. Acacia Sloan arrived a mere three months after Caden and inherited her mother's inky hair and Mark's ice blue eyes.

"Grandpa and Grandma Webber? Izzie and Alex?"

"Yes, yes, and yes."

"What about Tuck? We're getting married tonight," Devony stated nonchalantly.

"_What?_" Derek shouted from his position by the sink, turning around so fast that he spilled water down the front of his suit. "What did you say, young lady?"

"Tuck has to come because we're getting married," Devony repeated.

"Wreally?" Caden asked, abandoning the piano. "Can I be the mwaid of honor?"

Devony shrugged, eyeing her brother speculatively. "Sure. Vienna can be the flower girl."

"Ah, gah!" Vienna screamed happily from her position on the floor.

"The maid of honor is a girl, honey," Addison told Caden.

"But it doesn't matter," Derek growled, "because there is no way you are getting married!"

"Yes I am, Daddy!"

"No, you're not!"

"Der!" Addison called warningly. "Derek!"

"What, Addison? She's not getting married!"

"No, I need you to help me with this skirt," Addison complained, hopping in front of the mirror as she tugged on the stubborn zipper.

"Adds, that's not happening," Derek chuckled, looking between the garment and Addison's expanded stomach. Behind him, Devony rehearsed her dance in the middle of her and Derek's room, slippered feet bouncing on the plush carpet as her lacy tutu swirled around her, and Caden practiced his wedding march with Vienna toddling behind him.

"Devie, maybe Santa can be in the wedding!"

"Well, you're the one who knocked me up again, so you at least have to _try _to get me in this skirt!" she complained. As if in agreement, the five-month-old baby inside of her squirmed and Addison winced at the sensation of an octopus writhing her stomach.

"Addie, just pick out a maternity skirt," Derek told her softly, running his lips over her neck as if to negotiate agreement. She shivered as her volatile hormones salivated at the feeling of Derek's muscled chest against the bump of the baby. He stepped back with a smirk just as she leaned forward.

"Hey! Get back here mister!"

"Not until you're dressed. We need to keep it G, remember?" he asked wickedly.

"PG might be allowable," Addison muttered as she pulled on the zipper more insistently, wanting to taste Derek's lips; it finally settled in place.

"It's time to go, Addison, the play starts at two," Derek warned her, glancing over at their silver alarm clock. "And if everyone comes over for Christmas Eve dinner tonight …"

"I want a minute," Addison pouted, making sure the children weren't getting into their Christmas presents before pressing her lips to Derek's and catching her breath as he ran his tongue lightly over her lower lip.

"You have forever, babe," Derek reminded her as he pulled back, cradling her face gently in his hands. Memories crashed down upon her, of her and Derek exploring Seattle as he said he should have done when she first arrived, of him standing beside her during her first surgery after the kidnapping, a supportive but not interfering presence, of Derek informing her he gave up Chief of Surgery to Burke although it'd been offered to him first. Derek coiled his hands over her bump and leaned forward again. "But I think we should save the unwrapping for later," he whispered before engaging her in a tantalizing joining of lips that tasted of forever.

* * *

**Yes, I gave them four FHBs (well, three and one pending) and a very fluffy ending. After the hell they went through, I think they deserve it. The last part should be up in a few days.**

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	35. Epilogue 2

**My Never**  
**Epilogue 2**

**This is it, people. Just a few more tidbits about the future I wanted to write. Hope you enjoy them :)**

* * *

Devony ~ the Cottage ~ 11 years later

Eleven years to the day Derek presented Addison with their majestic cottage, Devony Shepherd lounged in her white sleigh bed, curling her toes into the soft fleece. A smile split her face as her phone lit up and she lifted it to see her boyfriend Tuck's name.

_Hey babe. G2g, bball practice. Love u!_

Devony snapped her phone shut and shut her eyes tight, thinking of Tuck and the way her head felt so safe when cradled against his muscled chest and held there by his lanky mocha arms. Devony was tall, already approaching 5'8" at fifteen years old, but Tuck was something else, already a half a head taller than her, she had to stand on tiptoe to kiss his lips.

Her fantasy musings about Tuck led to her thinking about his upcoming sixteenth birthday party and a request his mother Miranda had made of her. Sighing, she rolled off her bed and padded through the luxuriant comfort of her Seattle home, taking in the glimmering view of the city at night and her own looks in the reflective window simultaneously. She frowned, running fingers over her sharp cheekbones, large blue eyes and full lips. Her mother had promised that she would grow into her face and Tuck told her everyday that she was beautiful, but she couldn't help feeling that her looks were that of separate features without a common thread.

Addison Shepherd had an entire closet set out for the photographs and artwork they saved, organized by year, or else Devony's task might have been impossible. Tuck's mother wanted to blow up a picture of him as a child and hang it to embarrass him in front of all his macho basketball friends, and Devony, mischievous even eleven years later, was in on the plot. This particular picture was taken when he was four and she was three, after they had apparently painted each other at daycare.

Twirling through the softly lit marble foyer (she was now on her high school dance team), Devony passed ten-year-old Caden, who was playing his latest composition on the piano for his young paramour, Mark and Callie's daughter Acacia. He grinned at her as he played, and she winked back, noticing how Acacia blushed as she watched him.

Eight-year-old Vienna passed her in the hallway, her pixie-like face carrying a pout identical to their mother's. "What's up, Enna?" Devony asked.

"I found a pet spider, Devie, in the yard, but Mommy screamed and said I couldn't keep it!"

"Spiders like it outside better," Devony told her fireheaded sister, trying to be comforting as she repressed a shudder.

"No, Harold doesn't. Harold _loves _it in here!" Vienna countered before stomping off to her room.

Devony sighed and shook her head, continuing to the closet stuffed full of memories. She bypassed recent years to dust off memoirs of times she barely remembered. She thought she'd just spotted pictures from when she was three when little hands captured the hem of her snow-white cashmere sweater.

"Devie?"

"Yeah, Hunter?" Devony asked her seven-year-old brother, trying to keep the annoyance off her face.

"Whatcha doin'?" He cocked his head to the side, the spitting image of her father.

"I'm looking for something, buddy."

"Will you play with me after? Cay and Enna are being boring," the little boy pouted dejectedly.

"Sure," Devony agreed resignedly, knowing that if she entertained her brother for a while her parents might let her go out with Tuck after basketball practice. "I'll come find you when I'm done, okay?"

After Hunter had scampered off Devony dug her hands back into the closet. She had nearly reached the appropriate basket when her elbow knocked into a stack of old newspapers and sent them flying.

"Damn it!" Devony swore, chasing the fluttering papers back and forth over the lacquered wood of the floor. She gathered them up, holding them to her chest, and prepared to stuff them back into the closet before a bold headline made her freeze.

**Disappearance of World Class Neonatal Surgeon Linked to Kidnappings Across the Country**

The bottom fell out of her stomach. Why did her parents have these papers hidden away? Hands shaking, she rifled through the stack, though in her heart she dreaded what she would find.

**Victims of Kidnapping Found Raped, Murdered, Trial Pending**

**Sex Trafficking Offender Suspected to be Behind Recent Kidnappings**

**Latest: Kidnapped Victim Addison Montgomery Found by Rafters in Mexico**

Devony's lithe form puddled to the ground, each breathe sharp and ragged as it burned her throat, her stomach rebelling in comparison to the rest of her numb body. Her stance against the closet was the only thing keeping her in a sitting position.

It simply couldn't be right. She would know. Someone would have told her. She would remember …

Except …

Except, according to the dates on the newspapers, she had been three years old. Heart racing, Devony combed back through her earliest memories … there was one of her on her father's shoulders, waving Pluffie in the air as they walked through the hospital … her mother, hooked up to a frightening array of tubes and wires and machines … her father's words, _"Then the princess was kidnapped by some bad, bad men …"_

Devony knew her parents had been divorced briefly, she knew that she'd stayed with her dad while her mother was sick and that was what had gotten them back together … sick … why had she never questioned that simple explanation before? Sick with what? She had _been _there after all, been in the midst of this hidden tragedy. She should have known.

As this conviction descended, movement was reborn into her limbs and Devony, tears still staining her cheeks, hurried through the house until she located her mother. Addison Shepherd was in the kitchen, one ear pressed up against the phone; Devony deduced that she was ordering take-out because her father wouldn't make it home for dinner, which was a rare happening in the Shepherd house. Her parents were almost always home for dinner.

Addison turned, alarmed, when she spotted Devony's tears, and wrapped up her order quickly. Her mother had aged well over the years and although her crimson hair sported a few strands of grey and laugh lines decorated her face, she still achieved an elegant beauty that Devony couldn't help but envy.

"Devony, what's wrong?" her mother asked, gripping Devony's shoulders softly and meeting her eyes. They fought like any other mother/teenage daughter combo but remained close also by doing things like conspiring to steal Derek's credit cards and throwing out any fish that made their way near the house. And although they had the usual disagreements, Addison could tell, as she always could, when something was seriously wrong.

Silently, Devony handed her the newspapers as a few more crystal tears coursed down her cheeks.

"Oh," Addison sighed softly. "Oh, Dev. This wasn't exactly how I wanted you to find out …"

Devony's sobs refused to be restrained any longer when she registered her mother's sorrow, and Addison swept her up in a hug. She wanted to protest, wanted to say that _she _should be the one comforting her mother, but she was reduced to crying into the peacock silk of her mother's shirt instead.

"Shh," Addison murmured, just like she had whenever Devony had obtained a cut or bruise as a child. "Shh, it's okay. I'm okay."

"How can you be okay, Mom?" Devony sniffed.

"It was over eleven years ago, Dev. And I won't lie to you and say I never think about it or have the occasional nightmare about it, but it was a long time ago. I'm healed."

"How could I not have known? I was there, I was …"

"You were three, Devony Sadiyah," Addison said firmly.

"Still, all that really happened? And I didn't know? You were really … really …" The word refused to leave her lips.

Addison's face darkened. "Yes, it all really happened. And it was awful, so awful that even if I could explain to you how bad it was, I wouldn't. But I was lucky to survive and lucky to have your father, so that's what I try to focus on."

Devony digested the new information, trying to make sense of it; trying to picture her strong, proud, beautiful, unbreakable mother at the mercy of kidnappers … she couldn't do it. "So that's what Red Light is about," she said finally, simply for something to say, because the foundation her mother had started made sense now.

"Yes."

"And that's why Dad freaks out when he sees r-rape stories on the news?" She remembered seeing her father's jaw tighten, his fists clench, the tendons straining, but she thought it was a normal reaction to such an appalling crime.

"Yes."

Devony leaned against the counter, one slender arm supporting a head suddenly spinning with conflict and angst. Shock still suffused her, it was one of those things you saw on the news and hoped never happened to you … and yet, it had happened to them.

"Devony, this doesn't change anything," Addison reminded her softly. "Yes, you know a little more than you did, because you're old enough to handle it, but nothing has really changed."

"I just … can't believe it," Devony admitted slowly.

"Sometimes I can't either. But it happened and it's over and done with and honestly? It was terrible, for all of us, but me, your father, our whole family, we're stronger because of it. It's a difficult burden to put on you and a difficult thing to discover on some random afternoon, I know," her mother smiled sadly. "And we can talk about it more later, whenever you need to," Addison promised, kissing her forehead. But for now, come on."

"Come on what?"

Rich laughter filled the kitchen as Addison eyed her daughter suspiciously. "I'm not stupid. Tuck's birthday party may be this weekend, but I delivered the kid. I know what day he was born. I also happen to remember a certain four wheeled present his mother mentioned …"

Devony gasped, excitement exploding like fireworks inside her, remembering how Tuck had wanted to take her out when he turned sixteen. She imagined Tuck in the only nice slacks he owned, a crisp white shirt contrasting with his chocolate skin as he flashed his bright smile at her. Then something in her mother's statement registered. "Wait – you've seen my boyfriend naked?"

"Well, Dev, most babies come out that way …" her mother snorted.

"So my mother pulled my boyfriend out of his mother's vagina? That is so wrong," Devony moaned, covering her eyes.

"Go get dressed," Addison ordered, rolling her eyes. "Or you won't be seeing any of him at all."

She took a few steps toward the hallway before glancing back at her mother. Addison looked contemplative with fiery curls streaming around her face and her ocean colored eyes - the exact same color as Hunter's - staring off into space. "Mom? Will you be, you know, okay? Because I can stay ..."

"Thanks, sweetie, but I'll be fine," Addison assured her. "Go out with your boyfriend. I know the two of you have been waiting forever for one of you to get a car so you don't have to have me or Miranda drive you everywhere. Just remember -"

"Keep it G-rated, yeah, yeah, I know," Devony muttered, rolling her eyes.

"Well, PG might be allowable," her mother grinned. "But you better hurry up."

Devony ran off to the laundry room to find the designer skirt she'd purchased the previous weekend and pulled it nervously over her thin, milky legs, scrutinizing herself anxiously in the mirror. She had a few modest curves but often felt self-conscious about her stick-like figure; although Addison told her constantly that she'd been exactly her as a teenager except for the hair. She could only hope that she would continue to take after her mother.

"Do I look all right?" Devony asked as she pranced back out into the kitchen, biting her lip uncertainly. She wore a pair of Harajuku Lovers Mary Jane pumps (her mother had passed on her taste in shoes), a black silk wrap skirt, her cashmere sweater, and an ice blue camisole.

"You look beautiful," Addison assured her, gnawing on her own lip for an entirely different reason. "Just don't let your father see it," she warned as they turned to see Derek's lights in the driveway.

"Mom, I have a window," Devony laughed mischievously before racing upstairs, ebony curls bouncing behind her, oblivious to the fact that Addison watched her daughter slip away, a small, sad smile on her lips. Vienna curled her arm inside her mother's and buried her nose in her mother's side and Addison held one daughter close as the other grew further and further away.

"I guess maybe Harold could stay inside for one night," Addison told Vienna as they headed toward the door to greet Derek.

* * *

Derek ~ the Cottage ~ 23 years later

Derek settled himself carefully into his favorite deck chair, trying not to aggravate any symptoms of arthritis as he watched slightly blurry lights begin to shine in the darkened city below them. He had been observing the view for twenty-three years now - from this house, at least - and yet the way the dusky mist settled over the valley never ceased to amaze him …

"Grandpa, hurry up!"

"Yeah, Grandpa," Addison teased from beside him as she pinned back her snow white hair. They possessed age spots and wrinkles and were sure dentures and cataracts were to come, but Derek thought Addison just as beautiful as the day he'd first seen her at Columbia all those years ago.

"Right, where was I?" he inquired of his two grandchildren. Zalmai was four and had flawless, latte colored skin, the famous Shepherd blue eyes, and dark curly hair that could have come from Devony or Tuck. Scarlett had just turned two and Derek could trace her wicked grin back through her mother Acacia to his best friend and the boy he'd spent his childhood with. But although she looked like her mother and grandfather, Mark, she'd inherited Caden and Addison's rose colored locks that hung in delicate spirals around her shoulders.

"The story, Grandpa!" Zalmai practically shouted. "You said you'd tell us the story!"

"So I did," Derek sighed, giving the smile he was famous for.

"Oh, God, I've got to hear this," Devony called as she and Tuck came out of the house, arm and arm and still clad in scrubs. Both had decided to follow in the footsteps of their famous surgeon parents and were working on very successful careers. Zalmai had been a surprise but a welcome one, and the two were planning on having more children once they developed their careers in emergency and neurosurgery.

"You were very entertained by this story during your time, Missy," Derek reminded her. He looked around at all his family as Acacia and Caden joined them. His oldest son had opted for a career in architecture while his wife worked for a fashion magazine. They lived in New York, as Derek and Addison had so long ago, and they all had made Christmas in Central Park a tradition. And although Vienna and Hunter were away attending college, and Evelyn, of course, would never be with them in more than spirit, Derek couldn't imagine a better existence.

Zalmai and Scarlett scooted forward eagerly in anticipation for the story, and Addison joined their wrinkly hands and ran a finger over his knuckles. It felt just as good as it had the first time. "Once upon a time there was a princess, the most beautiful princess in the whole universe. She had gorgeous long red hair, eyes the color of the ocean on the clearest day, and the most amazing body-"

"Derek!"

"Sorry, babe, but you did. Still do, in fact. Anyway …"

**~ The End ~**

* * *

**Wow. I literally can't believe this is over. I've been working on it since December and now it's August and it's over 100,000 words long. I want to thank each and every one of my reviewers for their support - your comments made me smile and I'm so glad you loved the story. Really, you were great at reviewing.  
Anyway, endings. It's a love/hate relationship, people. But reviews will ease my relative suffering. One last one? ;)  
I did mention a sequel, but at this point, I have a lot of other stuff I want to write. There are things to be explored in Devony and Caden's pasts and certainly Addison and Derek's, but for now, this is the end.  
Oh, and btw, look for my new Addek story! Coming this week or next to a Grey's Anatomy fanfiction site near you. And that's enough shameless story pimping for me.**

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